Found out daughter is a sexual predator--help!

[Steely]

Just wanted to send HUGS....When I first read your post I knew she was only reenacting what was done to her - because that is just how sexual abuse works. Sad but true. Kids are not "born" with a desire to do this - it is a reenactment of a trauma done to them in hopes of reconciling the abuse. Of course it can never be reconciled like this, and it then becomes a pattern, an addiction. I can see why she does want to go back to an institution, because that is where it is safe for her. No outside distractions, many rules, always 4 square walls. I hope she is able to process her abuse there with a counselor, as well as her abusing, because that is the only way the abuse will stop.

 

[kwioake]

Thanks again and again for everyone's support, understanding and WISDOM....My husband called the attorney yesterday....We had made an initial call when this first happened to see what the attorney thought would happen and she had said probably probation and having my daughter register as a sexual offender. Then, when nothing happened with the law, we didn't call back.

Based on everyone's advice here, my husband made an appointment. for an initial consultation next Thursday. We are going to ask about liability issues if we were to bring her back home (which is not our first choice but it could happen if we aren't able to set up anything else right away), advice on navigating through mental health/juvenile justice, what to tell the school, etc.etc.

We are hoping that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (therapist and psychiatrist) will give us more insight into what they think our daughter is even capable of grasping...I don't think she has any ability to make choices based on any kind of abstract idea of possible consequences; she has to KNOW that there are immediate/definite consequences... (I've totally given up on the idea of her doing the right thing because it is the right thing, any kind of higher morality)...

It's still is hard because she has lived in our home for 7 and a half years. Truthfully, the social worker that did our adoption was excellent in helping us have a sober view of what we were getting ourselves into but it still is hard to accept the fact that many of you have shared that sometimes love is not enough. Another thought I had was that my daughter has always found choices very difficult---what we call freedom to her often times produces intense anxiety...Choices even as simple as what flavor ice cream she wants can produce anxiety. She does tend to do much better when choices are made for her. It is just so hard to wrap my brain around because as parents, the goal usually is to groom our children for independent living....I just don't see that as a possibility in any way, shape or form with her.

Many of you have given me so much positive feedback about being strong. It feels almost unreal. I actually haven't even cried. I think that I fear if I allow myself even one tear, I may never stop. I know at some point, the emotions will hit me...have any of you experienced this? just being on auto-pilot, almost visualizing putting this stuff in a box so that I can work, parent my other two children...My 17 year old son is graduating this year and wants to be an actor. He is applying to colleges around the country and him and I are going to New York in a couple of weeks for auditions...perhaps it is a blessing to have this kind of distraction....but I feel like I must be some kind of heartless monster because I am not crying...

My husband and I do each have our own therapist who we are in regular contact with. Our boys and I are super close and they aren't seeing anyone but are very good at expressing their thoughts/feelings.

 

[SRL]

Many of you have given me so much positive feedback about being strong. It feels almost unreal. I actually haven't even cried. I think that I fear if I allow myself even one tear, I may never stop. I know at some point, the emotions will hit me...have any of you experienced this? just being on auto-pilot, almost visualizing putting this stuff in a box so that I can work, parent my other two children...My 17 year old son is graduating this year and wants to be an actor. He is applying to colleges around the country and him and I are going to New York in a couple of weeks for auditions...perhaps it is a blessing to have this kind of distraction....but I feel like I must be some kind of heartless monster because I am not crying...
.

We don't call moms like you heartless monsters around here. We use terms like "Warrior Mom" and "Survivor".

It sounds like a good plan to meet with the attorney to look at the options and legal ramifications. Be sure and draw up a list of questions beforehand.

 

[buddy]

Many of you have given me so much positive feedback about being strong. It feels almost unreal. I actually haven't even cried. I think that I fear if I allow myself even one tear, I may never stop. I know at some point, the emotions will hit me...have any of you experienced this? just being on auto-pilot, almost visualizing putting this stuff in a box so that I can work, parent my other two children...My 17 year old son is graduating this year and wants to be an actor. He is applying to colleges around the country and him and I are going to New York in a couple of weeks for auditions...perhaps it is a blessing to have this kind of distraction....but I feel like I must be some kind of heartless monster because I am not crying...

My husband and I do each have our own therapist who we are in regular contact with. Our boys and I are super close and they aren't seeing anyone but are very good at expressing their thoughts/feelings.

ditto what SLR said. And as to the not crying, THAT is survival if you ask me. It happens when people die too... I am one who may cry a little bit but then finally will break down and it can be two years later if it is something intense (my grandma dying when I was a young woman was one time it went that long). This is traumatic and you need to be aware that you will NOT respond like a regular everyday illness (and even that results in all people responding differently).

Most recently my son had to have a few weeks stay in a psychiatric hospital and at first I felt like I was walking through the motions. Just do what you have to do, buddy..... In a couple of days I started crying and I posted HERE.

The tears can feel overwhelming, but they are not. They heal....... so do not be afraid of when they come .... IF they do. This is going to be a long process and you may not be able to let yourself be vulnerable to that until you know things are safe and settled. You ARE a warrior. No one who is heartless works this hard on behalf of any child. It is ok to not feel the same kind of bond as with other kids, birth or adopted... she is not wired to be able to bond. It does not mean you dont love her on some level, but it is just different.

I remember reading at some point in my journey about how they have done pet scans and MRI's on kids who come from orphanages and severely abusive situations when they were birth through early childhood. Their brain structures and activity are actually permanently changed. Some look like brains of kids with autism which explains a lot about why some of the most severely affected kids rock, look anxious, make poor eye contact, have language issues, etc. Through a different cause, they may have a similar brain injury.

Dont judge yourself, your family or even your daughter. That is a waste of energy in my humble opinion. What happened to her was no one's fault in your world. She is disabled and needs help and protection and you are doing what you need to do. Yes indeed, you ARE strong.

 

[busywend]

It is clear to me that this child should not live in a traditional family setting - ever. You said yourself she is happier in an institution. So, in my humble opinion - you should fight for this FOR HER sake. That is your best parenting move at this time. It may not seem natural, but it is the best thing you could do for her.

She will still be part of your family. As one member says, it will be a family of multiple addresses.

 

[klmno]

Ditto what Busywend said.

I actually haven't even cried. I think that I fear if I allow myself even one tear, I may never stop. I know at some point, the emotions will hit me...have any of you experienced this? just being on auto-pilot,

Yes- it took a little time with the chaos out of the home and then once I felt I wasn't living in immediate crisis/survival mode and I was alone, it hit. I cried for a week probably. I posted here a lot, didn't work, barely did anything except cry and try to accept reality. I don't think there's a way around it- it was grief. But it does help to go thru it somehow. I still have my moments but it's not nearly as bad. Remember, we didn't deal ourselves this hand of cards; we can only accept it for what it is and make the best choices we can on what to do about it.

 

[BusynMember]

R. was only with us for t hree years, but I thought he was a great kid because he knew how to act like one for adults. Maybe because he hurt my other two younger kids and a helpless foster child, I cried only for the victims, not for him. To this day I tear up when I talk or type about him (I am now), but it is never because of him or his fate. In fact, I am terrified he is still perping. My daughter found him on FB (he is now 21) and he is married with two daughters...I don't even want to think of what he is doing to those poor girls. Together we looked up his criminal record since leaving foster care and he was arrested once for not signing up as a sexual predator, which is a felony in Wisconsin. However, checking the list of childhood perps, two years later, he is STILL not in the registry, which is chilling to us. Nothing seems to scare him...no threat, nothing. And we don't want to turn him in or have anything to do with him. Even if he didn't know it was us turning him in, we (right or wrong) just don't want to mess with him. He is two hours away from us and doesn't know our new address, but we are still afraid of him.

The tears will come to you, for many reasons, but often it takes a while for them to come. Therapy started me crying and I cried for weeks, blaming myself. I still do in a way. You are doing what is best for your daughter, your family, and your community. Social Workers NEVER tell us how bad it could be, and I get really upset when I think about that. Their goal is to place every child. I don't recall ever being told that, because our boy was older and had been in foster care for years, that he may not ever love us or that he may even harm us. They keep that information to themselves. I went to six weeks of pre-adoption classes and nobody ever brought up just how awful/traumatic it can be to raise a "hurt" child. I wasn't told that the child have not have a conscience or was probably sexually abused (although the social worker told us later that 99% of the kids in US foster care have been sexually abused). They did not tell us that we could love this boy to death (which we did) and he still may hate us (which he did). He MUST have. If the people who place children with us don't give us the worst possible scenario, how can we make informed decisions?

The part that breaks my heart the most is little Ray, our foster child. He was seven years old and had so much great potential EVEN though he had also been badly sexually abused in his past. We wanted to adopt him, but after R. sexually abused him (at knifepoint sometimes...that was how this boy operated), he didn't want to stay with us. Can you blame him? We still think of little Ray and know he has done very well in all areas in his adoptive family...he is one of those children who is so resilient that he actually has morphed into a normal teen now that he is in a safe place. We miss him very much. I am crying now, as I type. Please get her out of the house so that she does not have the opportunity to do worse to your family. You don't want to be us. I'm sorry that you too were not told the truth about older adopted kids from foster care and orphanages, but the extent of what can happen is never really given to us. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how it feels like a nightmare. It did for us too.

Empathy and hugs...

 

[buddy]

MWM, what did you know about your son before you adopted? It is interesting when I went thru adoption prep classes I was told that my child might not be able to love me. I actually had to search my soul and think, do I want to be a parent for me or to help a child, and that is NOT a judgement if the answer is either way..... My answer was honestly both. I know some people....two exactly who really do not need any love or affection from their Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids. One lady prefers Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids, severe ones... she just knows how to get them to do what they need to do and her feelings are never in it. Probably runs her house more like a group home. One time she adopted a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) girl and got a bonus sister and the sister is not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) so she ended up with a reward for all her hard work! I did decide (though you never know how much this will hurt till you feel it) I was ok with a child who maybe could not love me typically. I got what I said I could handle. A kid who is not bonded as most people bond, but he does love and care and he luckily has responded to attachment therapy. But I got him at nearly three and he is delayed so I honestly (maybe foolishly) think his delays helped us because I could baby him longer, does that make sense?

Anyway, I am only asking because I know many people read these forums and I do think you need to adopt older kids from ANY country with eyes wide open. But many many older kid adoptions work out beautifully. I know so many kids who are doing amazingly as you mentioned about the 7 yr old who was with you, despite terrible things happening. It is the prep and support that are really lacking. And how do we really know if the reports are true or not. It is a scary thing.

And we all know that there are many infant adoptions that also end in a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) diagnosis. And some bio kids who thru issues in teh family or medical issues end up with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is a really under explained disorder and the range of attachment issues is not taught to parents, social workers, psychologists, teachers, special educators, etc. Understanding for this is back in the "autism is from refrigerator moms" stages if you ask me. We have come a long way with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) as a spectrum, we need the same progress for Attachment.

See kwioake, your post and bravery will probably touch so many. I hope you are having a nice weekend with your boys and that your difficult child is settling in more and more in her therapy setting so they can get to know her real issues. You and MWM are inspirational for sure as are the many who have lived thru this. I wish it would in the end help prevent these issues. That is the biggest tragedy of all. So many of these kids could have been absolutely "normal" members of society if not for the messed up situations they were in as infants-early childhood kids. So very sad.

 

[kwioake]

Thank you for asking...trying to balance tasks with some rest. Before we adopted my daughter, the only thing we really knew about her was that she was "shy and quiet," slightly delayed in terms of language and overall physically healthy. When we got to India, it happened to be during Monsoon season. Normally, the orphanages in India do not give the adopted family any history at all about their child. They think that they are doing the kids a favor by giving them a clean slate (since if my daughter was in India, she would never be able to marry anyone other than someone in her situation due to the old caste system). But the worker who was there gave us her "records." The first seven and a half years of her life were recorded in four sheets back and front in Marathi. That was it. So what we know is that our daughter's birth mother tried to kill her, there was no other family, and the mother was brought to a hospital. That is it. We've told my daughter that her mother was too sick to take care of her. Truthfully, my daughter has never really initiated asking us anything about India, her mother, anything...to this day, she has never asked about her father (which we know nothing about)...The only reason she's ever asked us is because people ask her and she wanted something to say. Usually she tells people that she doesn't want to talk about it.

We have four very good friends that also adopted from India (one two different children)...all older. While they've had their challenges, they don't come close to ours. The difference (I think) is that their children had some time with their birth parents...all my daughter ever knew from day one of her life was an institution. In India, in order to be eligible for international adoption, you have to be considered and rejected by three families nationally (which her paperwork documents). She is exceptionally beautiful, healthy physically and yet she was rejected three times...the thing I don't understand is why it took over six years before she was even eligible for international adoption (it took us about a year from the time we first said we'd adopt her until we could go over and get her)...There are so many questions that we'll never get answered. I don't think there are records beyond what we have....it is all very, very sad...

 

[kwioake]

Meant to say, the shy and quiet thing was a total lie which we know from our friend's daughter who was with her in the orphanage. Our daughter was loud and wild from the time we got her.

We had to read the book, Primal Wound, before we adopted her. It basically says that anyone who is adopted will have issues (on a spectrum) just based on separation from their birth mother. The goal of the book is to challenge the idea that I want a daughter, she needs a mother, everything will be great. I was prepared for her to have issues but probably not the total rejection.

 

[buddy]

I think a panel of us needs to really go around to different adoption agencies and share. It does no one, not even the system any good to deny these things an dto not prepare more. I read Daniel Hughes (sp?) and other adopting the older child books, joined groups for attachment online, etc. But I was with a small agency and the parents who owned it had several kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I think it made a difference in my prep but I still would not have really known. and I first was referred twin girls who were starting fires and police were called to their house often. The foster mom over and over said, yes I will adopt then told the girls they were too bad to be adopted etc. I asked if in our post adoption agreement therapy would be covered and they said in my home, because I worked with special needs kids, they would be fine. HUH?? I had to decline the placement and it KILLED me. I cried for a week. Just awful, they were only 5. I guess though, Q was meant to be with me. He is harder in many ways healthy wise but probably I can do it because there are not two of them! I dont regret my decision.

 

[BusynMember]

We had gone t hrough six weeks of adoption class before so we didn't have to go again and we weren't told much about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). We were told pretty much that they may not like you at first, but that they will eventually love you. It was very silly. We had adopted before and did not worry that we could not love a child not born to us and felt he would eventually love us. We asked for a child, however, who was never sexually abused (haha! Later, we found out that this request is not possible because most of them are...almost all). We were very excited to adopt an older boy who would probably never have a home if we didn't give him one. His history pretty much said he was a good kid with cognitive delays (I don't think he has any cognitive delays). Nothing was ever reported by his foster mothers, including the one he was with before us for five years. She had no clue that he was molesting her other foster children plus her daycare kids (he admitted that in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)). He was a real fooler, able to make adults adore him while terrorizing kids with knives and forcing them to perp on each other at knifepoint while he watched. My daughter still has a tiny knife scar on her neck. A gyn examination done by a very tender, loving pediatrician who deals only with children who had been sexually abused was able to confirm that penetration had taken place (this makes me sick...ugh). Double ugh. It is amazing Jumper is such a normal kid, but she remembers everything, she had tons of help and support, and she saw him get convicted of hurting her. We still take her to her therapist from time to time. Sonic was a victim too...we don't know how much and he doesn't act out or seem to be upset...he is also being watched.

I would never ever ever ever ever ever etc. adopt a child older than an infant again. I probably wouldn't even adopt a two year old, like Sonic was when we got him. Fortunately, sonic was in a GREAT foster home and could attach to us easily.

I continue to urge adoptions, even of older kids, but know what you may get (I know other people who have had similar experiences as us) and NEVER adopt a child who is older or bigger than your youngest child. You are taking a terrible risk. 80% of all incarcerations are people who spent time in foster care. That alone says TONS.

buddy, you do not have a younger child to worry about with Q. in my opinion you are the type of person who is able to take a chance adopting an older, hurt child. But not somebody with younger kids...it is a mistake. it is not worth the risk. You don't get accurate information on these kids. There is much nobody knows about them before hand. And sometimes I think they don't tell us the truth on purpose. The states don't have to. They are not liable. When we called the social worker from NJ to tell her what happened, her only response was, "Oh." Just oh. And she said there was nothing NJ could do...he was in Wisconsin now. She did not sound surprised or compassionate in any way.

buddy, also my own opinion is that psychologists call all adopted kids "Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)" and that most infant adoptions that are disrupted are not really due to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). maybe they are more difficult because the child was exposed to drugs or alcohol??? All I know is, I had no problems even close to this child's issues, EXCEPT for t he child that we adopted from Hong Kong at age six who was well behaved, but never attached to us and has said good-bye. You have to really be special to adopt older kids, but I do believe infants attach if you treat them like your own (which we should!) All of my adopted kids think about it sometimes and have minor issues, but there is a secure bond that can never be broken between hub and I, PastryChef, Jumper and Sonic. They would tell you the same.

Again JMO.

 

[buddy]

buddy, you do not have a younger child to worry about with Q. in my opinion you are the type of person who is able to take a chance adopting an older, hurt child. But not somebody with younger kids...it is a mistake. it is not worth the risk. You don't get accurate information on these kids. There is much nobody knows about them before hand. And sometimes I think they don't tell us the truth on purpose.

100% agree! And I agree they should be the youngest if at all. And I do think when people say they get pushed on singles because we take the least likely to be adopted, it is not all bad... because these guys can tear apart a relationship. I was offered another child to adopt after Q. Not even younger... about the same age. I said NO due to those very reasons. He needed 1:1 and that is the hard truth.

 

[BusynMember]

buddy, well, you just brought up another issue for us...lol!

When we adopted our first child from Hong Kong, he was four when we heard about him and my biological son was also four. When we heard they wanted to "twin" our child, we asked social worker about it in detail and tried to read all the limited stuff that was out about "twinning" kids. but there was little at the time (this child is now 34, so you can see how long ago it was. There was no internet). My bio. son SportsFan was always bad at amusing himself and always liked to have friends over, and we had one day to say yes or no or they were going to offer this little cutie to somebody else, so we said "yes."

What a catastrophe. I think the twinning idea was one of many reasons Scott left our family. Sportsfan never accepted him and was jealous of him from Day One. Scott was actually the one with all the charisma, handsome, brilliant, a natural salesman and he started taking all of Sportsfans friend's away. The competition got so bad we put them in different schools. They never bonded. Scott always had a slew of friends. Sportsfan did too, but he was quieter. They used to steal toys from each other, try to get one another in trouble, etc. etc. etc. On top of that, Sportsfan was a gifted student, but Scott was even smarter. He was building computers at age twelve and tested in the genius level for IQ (he is a very successful business owner/millionaire today). Sportsfan developed mental health issues and could not finish college.

The twinning was another adoption disaster and Scott met and married a Chinese woman who really didn't like us and our Americanism and he never sees any of us anymore. It hurt so bad I went to a specialist who only sees people regarding adoption (he's a PhD) and he just said that Scott had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and could overattach or underattch, but not attach normally.

Interestingly, because Scott is brilliant, he used to articulate his lack of attachment. "I don't get it, Mom. I try to love you and Dad, but I don't think I can." When we told hilm about attachment disorder, he "got" it. Instead of going to regular therapy though, he became very religious and used the church. Until he met his wife, things seemed to be getting better...he was trying hard, even hugging us. But after he met her, we almost never saw him again. Now we never do. Attachment disorder is very odd. He is OVERattached to his wife. He is either/or. He can not have normal attachments. But he never ever broke the law or acted antisocial.

Adoption is very tricky. We didn't expect the disinterested, remote child we got in Scott or our birthson's violently angry/jealous reaction to him that never really went away. We had not expected the adopted child to be so exceptional on every level, making Sportsfan feel inferior. When you adopt from overseas, back then you never met the child until he steps off the airplane. We did not travel to Hong Kong to meet him. It would have been pretty obvious right away that Sportsfan was not going to adjust well to this Chinese twin. Do I think it would have been different if Scott had been older or younger? YES!!!!! They were in the same grade and both in accelerated classes and they competed like crazy.

I wonder than why the social workers didn't assign us a child who was not Sportsfan's age? He had been an "only" for six years by the time Scott arrived. I really feel badly for those trying to adopt, unless it is better now. We have to fend for ourselves, again unless it has changed.

Every day I get down on my knees, Tim Tebow style, and thank the Lord for my great husband, Sportsfan and grandson, PastryChef, Sonic and Jumper because we all love one another and always will. But, man, we had our share of bad experiences. Our best experience was when we adopted Jumper. It was a private adoption. Birthmother picked us and there were no intermediaries. We were also lucky that Pastrychef, who is from Korea, was with a very doting foster mother (not in an orphanage) and spent the first five months of her life being carried on birthmother's back. She bonded right away. Also we bless the wonderful foster mother to Sonic who held him and loved him up, even though he wasn't easy, because she KNEW about attachment disorder and wanted to make sure he didn't have it. He doesn't.

Adoption is very complicated and it is for special, strong folks, not everybody.

 

[buddy]

Wow MWM, more in awe every week.

You have been through so much. I was thinking as you said all those things, in the end... I am proud of my choice. I am proud for your choice and for kwioake and all the others... in the end we gave them a chance. We didn't adopt for that purpose, to be proud of ourselves, but since we did it and it has been a challenge, I am glad I for one did it. If you had not gone on to try again and again, there are several kids who would not have the good lives they do have. Even those who have left your life, they got a chance and still do (one scary I understand). Kwioake, sorry we stole your thread but it lead to an important discussion. I think you can rest assured you are with people here who really understand this is nothing if not complex. Whatever you feel, let it be. There is no manual for this kind of parenting.

 

[kwioake]

Can't remember (and too tired to scroll now...developed an ear infection over the last 24 hours and have been good for nothing today) who told me this here but the honeymoon period at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) seems to be over. My daughter called today saying she wants to come home. Apparently, she has had some girl drama there (her words) which resulted in her not moving up levels (her explanation)...Very glad to have had your warnings not to be manipulated. I calmly told her that she was there to work on how to negotiate relationships and I thought it was good that these issues were coming up. I also reminded her that if she was home, she wouldn't be having any friend interaction so she has a lot more of a social life there than she would at home. I was also glad that some of the real her is coming out there...She told me she was sent to her room crying/screaming...and a couple of other issues...up until today, it was all about how she was getting all her points and rewards...My biggest fear was that the real her wouldn't come out but apparently it has one week in.

 

[susiestar]

I know you are attached to her. I also know how limited my experiences with adoption are. I have one friend from high school who adopted twin boys from another country, but they not only had each other, they had amazing foster parents and from the time they were born they were with the foster parents until my friend and her husband went to get them. They are fairly normal little boys now that the language barrier has been demolished.

I think you need to refuse to bring this girl home. You KNOW she has done severe damage to several children. You do NOT know what she has done to your other kids. I don't CARE how big the other kdis are. It is super easy to go into a room when someone is asleep and hurt them. It is also not that hard to mkae a threat that is believable to force them to hide the behavior. Until your kids are totally positive that she won't EVER come back AND they are workign wtih a therapist, they are not going to tell you if she hurt them.

I KNOW I sound cold and uncaring toward her. I fully sympathize with how awful she must feel inside. How she must hate herself and feel unloved, how she probably has no clue what love even is. I WANT her to get help, real help and learn to love and accept love. I just don't think it wll actually happen. Not in the time you have before she is 18.

Given how damaged she is, it seems very unsafe to bring her back to your home - ever. I don't know how you would terminate the adoption, but it may be the safest thing to do. You may have to pay child support and I doubt she would be sent back to India, but there is NO WAY she should EVER live in a home with children of any age in it.

Safety MUST be the priority. No exceptions. You cannot supervise her at home 24/7. It just isn't possible. Your other kids deserve a safe home. They should NOT live with her. When my oldest was violent and we discovered his abuse of our daughter, we had to go to the doctor to get referrals to get the help she needed (he was already seeing about everyone possible while still outpatient) and we asked her to help us report the abuse. The investigation wasn't fast or fun, but it was needed. We were told that if we did not keep the other kids safe then they could be removed from our home. Having a written safety plan posted in every room was a big help in assuring CPS that our kids were kept safe.

In your case? I don't think you can protect them from her. I think you need to ask the atty to help disrupt the adoption and turn her over to social services. Chances are it will take that to get the help she needs, and I think she will be a danger to your children for a very long time. Your other kids deserve to be safe in their own home, period. That MUST be the main goal right now. I know they are safe now, because she is in a hospital. But it has to become permanent or they won't be safe when she comes home. The help she needs will take YEARS and if they can send her to your home then they will. If she is placed in cps custody, they may try a home setting, but before long they will see that she is not safe and they will place ehr somewhere that she can get some help.

 

[kwioake]

Susiestar,

I totally appreciate your clarity/directness. I know that I am not objective in any way and my husband and I are definitely doing whatever we know to do to not have our daughter return home. Thank you for the feedback. It helps.

 

[buddy]

Hope you are feeling better! I am glad she is already showing her issues to them. I dont know that you will need to disrupt the adoption to do permanent foster placement or out of home placement. You will have to check on all of that and decide. There are many who legally have their children under their guardianship but have them placed permanently out of home. It depends I suppose on if they will require you to fully fund a placement if she is your legal child. This is where your lawyer can help you.

I agree the risk of her being home is just too much. Unless you have sort of what I have... I could choose to use my son's waiver to hire someone 24/7 to watch him in our home and to/from school and to the bus and bathroom and while sleeping etc. I do not need that level right now but I have thought of it. You don't know the liability issues for school yet either. If she has to come home and you accept you have a huge issue when it comes to her being around other kids if you do not tell them. I hope you can avoid that by finding the placement you are searching for.

Feel better soon! Ear stuff stinks.

 

[timer lady]

You have my most sincere sympathy .... my son, wm, is a predator mostly toward his twin sister, kt. wm was officially removed from the home 5 almost 6 years ago to keep kt & others safe.

Like others, I would encourage the parents whose children were molested to report & press charges. I would also consider a disruption of the adoption if you cannot obtain the needed services for your difficult child.

This is a awful, disturbing situation & must be dealt with in an intense, secure setting.