Going to file charges on 16 year old son

[Childofmine]

Upanddown, first I am so sorry for your intense pain. I would also be devastated by his words.

Having said that, you KNOW what you have done for him, and you know there is no merit in his words.

Parents must be parents, not friends. It sounds like you have been a great mom.

Next, once you get past his words and how you feel right now, can you calmly and simply and keeping it very short say something like this:

1. Let's start over.
2. You and I are 100 percent responsible for our own actions, no excuses.
3. You live by the rules of this house (no drugs or alcohol, do your part, try hard in school, be respectful in this house, do your chores, whatever the rules are---again, short and simple).
4. If you break anything or blow up at me or anybody else or use drugs or ________, I will call the police that day and file charges against you. No discussion, no excuses. You are responsible 100 percent for your actions, and there can be no blame of anyone else if you do any of these things. Agreed?
5. I will love you and treat you with dignity and respect and I will expect these things of you.

If he doesn't like that, go ahead and file the charges today. If he agrees, write it all down (one page of paper), you both sign it and date it, and then, if he does one thing out of line in this regard, you follow through, without reservation.

Because he is 16, that is both good and bad. You have two more years until the consequences are very serious. You can give him another chance.

It's not about words or emotions. It's about behavior and action. Watch what he does, not what he says.

If you need to add weekly drug testing to the list above, do so.

He is on shaky ground. He has to regain YOUR trust, not the other way around. Kids will say ANYTHING to get what they want, including everything you stated about how it's all you and not them.

I heard much of what you are hearing from Difficult Child. We ruined his life, his life was awful, it was all our fault, we were the strictest parents in the whole school, yada, yada, yada. It was all BS. Today, he and I have a great relationship.

Hang in there. You are the parent, and he is still very much the child. Don't let him get to you in terms of what you do. I understand what you feel is very different. Separate your feelings from your actions here.

We're here for you.

 

[UpandDown]

Thank you ChildofMine. I know you are right. I had to hear it. It seems I need to hear it over and over and over again. His words have no merit. He is trying to get his way. Unfortunately we have had a contract with those same rules. He has broken every one of them time and time again. I need to take him to the appointment. I know I do. I tried to give him a chance last night to start over. I wanted him to apologize and come up with a plan to pay us back for the broken items. He told me everything was too far gone and that I blew it and just to go ahead and get rid of him.

 

[Childofmine]

I understand. No contract I ever wrote up with my Difficult Child was worth the paper it was written on.

His bad times started when he was 19 and went straight off the cliff. I used to write these long elaborate contracts and it was all for naught---I guess it made me feel like I was trying to get some measure of control over an uncontrollable situation. It's also a process. You want to try EVERYTHING before you start taking actions that seem so big and final.

The last contract I wrote up was one page and I think it had 5 things on it. He tore it up in my face and walked out the door.

That was his first bout of homelessness. If there was anything good about it, I knew I had tried everything under the shining sun to get through to him.

Nothing worked.

Drugs and alcohol had control of him and he had no desire to give all of that up.

I was "whistling in the wind."

My son now is 26 (today is his birthday) and he has two felonies for selling drugs and multiple misdemeanors on his "record." He has been homeless multiple times. He has been to rehab multiple times. I had six years of pure hell.

This last year, he has been rebuilding his life. It's been more than 12 months now since he has been arrested or in jail. He has paid off on probation and is working on another.

Finally, something, a bunch of somethings (I have no idea what they all were) got through to him, and he decided to work for change in himself. It certainly was not on my timeline and I believe me and my "help" were of little to no value in him making a decision to start working for a better life.

There is simply no figuring this out. I have laid awake in the bed for nights on end thinking, thinking, thinking of what in the world I could do to change the course of his life. Nothing, I mean nothing, I tried ever worked, and I kept on and on for years.

Finally, I let go of it all, and after that (not immediately) is when he started to change.

I pray every single day that he keeps walking forward on this better path. You never know.

 

[UpandDown]

We went to our appointment with the juvenile officer. I am not sure if the details really matter but in case someone out there wonders what happens when you report your teen to the police, I will give the details on our experience. Unfortunately, they were disorganized and has us down as a custody case. So that started things off on the wrong foot. Then when we finally met, the officer was confused as to why we filed for a CHINS. (Child in Need of Service) That was what they told us to do when we went in 2 weeks ago. He looked over our report and said we should have filed a criminal complaint 2 weeks ago for damage of property. So, he made us fill out a different form and scheduled us to come back in over a week. He explained that he would set us up for a diversion program which basically is a 120 day contract that our son will have to follow. We don't know exactly what that will entail. But he said it might include mandatory therapy sessions, random drug testing, good behavior at home. Etc. If he successfully completes diversion, then he is "off the hook" and all of this comes off his record at 18. Diversion does not have to be reported to schools or potential employers as it is not a criminal charge. If he does not complete diversion successfully, then his case will move to the courts and he will have to answer to the judge. I pray he takes this seriously and turns himself around. He is furious at us now. I knew he would be. I think the part that really made him mad was knowing that the drug testing was for real and he will have to stop smoking. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to follow through.

 

[Nancy]

I hope the diversion wakes him up. It will help to have someone else out limits on him so it's not all on you.

 

[Childofmine]

This is great upanddown! Having someone else for him to be accountable to is a good step in the right direction. Please keep us posted!

 

[UpandDown]

Update - Finally after 3 weeks, we had our official appointment with the probation officer after we reported the damage to property. Our son was given a 4 month diversion. It consists of 50 hours of community service, substance abuse group once a week for 12 weeks, anger management classes for 8 weeks, weekly mandatory family therapy, and random drug testing. He again tested positive for marijuana hence the substance abuse group. If he does not comply, then it goes straight to court. I am disappointed but not surprised that he tested positive. He knew he would be tested at this visit. The interesting part is that he handled it all very calmly and was in a good mood afterwards. Its been a long couple of years and I am really praying that we are headed in the right direction.

 

[Childofmine]

I am so glad for this update. Thank you. I see every bit of this as positive for you and for him. He basically gets a very structured second chance. Without structure, accountability to others (not their parents) and a "smaller box" to operate in, teens who are acting out often don't get it and ramp up. He may ramp up anyway, you never know, but right now he has a chance to turn and walk in a new direction. You are being a very good parents and holding him accountable for his actions. I applaud you. Am hoping and praying this is a strong wakeup call for him. Please keep us posted. And take care of YOU, you have done all you can for him for now.

 

[AppleCori]

U&D,

Hi

Just saw your post and read your story.

I am glad you got the authorities involved. You have less than two years to help him get his life turned round. Then not so much.

Don't second guess yourself. He has put you (and himself) in this position. He is where he is by his own choices.

I hope he will now make the choice to go down the road that will lead to a good life. It is his choice.

Keep us updated.

 

[lovemyson1]

Hello UpandDown, I just read your story and I'm proud of you and your husband for following through. I totally get it when you second guess your decisions to press charges on your son. I am that way too. We love our children and in the heat of a situation, we are ready to turn them over to the police, but then are mommy/daddy hearts get mushy and tender when things calm down. My husband and I have battled these feelings for a long time with our son. It looks like he's accepting his diversion plan so that's great! Stay strong, I promise you, you won't be sorry. We've all been there and the sooner you learn not to enable the sooner, your son will have a reality check and face natural consequences. It's super hard to do, but the only way they learn. I hope things go well, you give him lotsa love and support and he makes the right decisions.

 

[UpandDown]

Thank you ALL for the encouragement and feedback. I am so thankful for your words and advice. One of the many hard things about struggling so with my teen is how alone and scared I feel most of the time. As if I am living on a different planet than those around me also raising teenagers. To be able to come here and share what is going on has helped me immensely. Calling the police and filing charges has been gut wrenching and filled with self doubt, in many ways feeling like the ultimate failure as a mom. But you have helped me through. When my younger daughter said, well at least he finally has a punishment this time, I knew we made the right choice. The previous path of offering him "help" in the form of therapy and support and special services didn't seem to work. Surely someone who flies into a rage and smashes dishes needs help. The last time he did this, we took him to an outpatient adolescent program. He had to willingly go so we bribed him with money if he completed the program. I know I know , what were we thinking. Upon completion he promptly took the cash and bought weed. So here we are exactly one year later, taking the path of tough love.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you went through and filed charges and did not back down. Your son needs to see the real world is not mommy and daddy who back down. Trust me, I had a child who blamed me for everything that was wrong in his world when he knew I was the one who fought hardest for him. When I backed off and let him go, he saw real quick that no one not even the grandparents who gave in so often, was truly there for him. He has more than once actually THANKED me for all I did, INCLUDING going to court an telling the judge what all he did, and INCLUDING putting him in a mental hospital for an extended stay.

As for all the "I hate you" and "You are the cause of my every problem" garbage, it IS all garbage. He doesn't think you have the guts or ability to truly back off and let him try to find out how hard life is without you. Now he has the courts to look at his progress, and I think you need to be incredibly honest about what he is doing with the courts. Let them know when he mouths off, is abusive, and uses. Do NOT EVER hide his behavior again from anyone. Let HIM bear the shame of his actions, don't you EVER take that shame on your shoulders. Let him see what others think, how many times they will ever give him another chance after he acts the way he does, and how many times they give him $$ or what he wants given his actions.

HE is the one in the wrong, NOT YOU. PLEASE stop wasting $$ on therapy for him and get some for yourself. YOU need the support and you DESERVE it!