Linda,
It's aggrivating when I think I'm doing something to help myself feel better in a situation that I have no control over and everyone else around me is talking hushed with their hands over their mouths, hanging up the phone, abrubtly stop talking when I come in the room or just flat out tell me what THEY think I should be doing.
DANG-it, when I hurt I want to fix me my way, and just leave me alone, I'll figure it out eventually, but in the mean time please don't make me out to be some kind of freakish nut with obsessive concerns. How can ANYONE ANYWHERE crawl inside my head, my heart, my memories and tell me what I should be doing as opposed to what I DO Do to make myself comforted?
I am sure you have read, seen or heard that there are seven stages to grief. And each one of us processes those steps at a different pace. Some of us, however can get stuck on a certain step for a longer period of time than seems "usual". Maybe this is what has your family worried. At this time they are looking for things to be out of sinc with you, signs of depression that may go to another level. So things to them that seem unusual, are only going to be red flags.
I sat here and thought, if that were MY Mom and a tribute tape had been made. How many times a day did I think I would watch it after two weeks. Honestly Linda, I am kinda hoping on one hand that I go before her, because I don't think I will handle her passing at all. On the other hand if I were to go first, that would be so much for her that I couldn't bear it for her. So after 2 weeks do I think watching that video is odd? Not really. But ask yourself this - When, or how long from now will it seem unusal to YOU to be sitting and watching that same video 4 times a day? In a month, two, three? How about in a years time and you're still sneaking around to watch that tape? Will that seem unusal to you?
Whatever time line you come up with in your head, I would say get a piece of paper and write a note to yourself with a tentative goal date that says when you feel you can start to allow yourself one less viewing a day and do your best to stick with it.
IN THE MEAN TIME....perhaps the best medicine of all would be a new project. How about for every time you don't honor your Mother's memory by watching the video you work on a page in a scrap book or a family tree book? Or a garden dedicated to her, or a memorial fund in her name or a park bench in a zoo, or something that you can keep busy with that still makes you feel close to her, and honors her memory, with an end goal in mind.
When my Pop passed away, oh...wow. WHat a hard time I had/have with it still. SEven years in Feb. Makes me cry almost now to type about it. And sure, I went through such depression with it. My sister - 3 years!! And she's still not "usual" but we finally said to her...LOOK..you HAVE to pull yourself out of this. And she started grief counseling. She's still going. Me? I got busy on my parent's house and helped my Mom get things that Dad wasn't able to do when he was here, but I KNEW he would have wanted her to have. It's a work in progress, keeps my mind busy, and in a way is an ongoing memorial to him. I also did a panorama type picture box, and everyone that has come to visit was shocked. In it were things that didn't mean anything to anyone but me and him. My Mom saw it and sorta joked in saying "Wonder what she's going to put in mine when I'm gone?"
I'm sorry you're hurting. I think maybe grief counseling (check the hospitals locally) would be a good place to go, and heck you may just be someone ELSES source of strength.
Hugs and Love
STar