Hard Update

[Scent of Cedar *]

I woke up this morning and my son was the first thing on my mind. He's the last thing on my mind. I turned on The Simpson's yesterday and they sent Bart to Juvie and Marge was crying "You can't take my baby away!" They don't see...or more likely don't care....how they taint every part of our days; even the good things have a cloud over them and it makes it so hard to not dwell.

This is a good story, Lil. That is just what this feels like.

How do we ever make it through this.

Cedar

 

[RN0441]

Pasa

I too am so sorry you had to go through this. I have also felt the fear you felt that day but in different ways. It's just so mind boggling and confusing when this is happening. It's so unnatural.

Obviously he is not thinking straight to be doing these things. I do not know his history. You did the right thing. You did the only thing you could do. What else could you have done? You can't let anyone disrespect you or your property like that.

It's a hard place to be but in some ways it's a good place to be. When you know you can't take the abuse any longer. When they are so bad that you know you have to do SOMETHING! Then there is no room for guilt or uncertainty!

 

[pasajes4]

I have to echo Cedar - WTF? Seriously, there's a market for this in a physical rehab facility? I'm just ... speechless.

And they just kicked him out? Didn't they call the police? I'd have had him arrested right then and there.

Again, WTF?

Lil, I am not sure who he intended to sell it to. He has had visitors from his friends at the rehab center. There may have been patients that wanted it for pain relief. I don't know. I think that they were trying to spare him from going to jail due to his physical condition. I was told that they were trying to find a different type of facility. He refused. He could have contacted teen challenge. They would have taken him. He refused.

And Rocky takes punch after punch.

Yes. It is exactly that way.

 

[New Leaf]

Pas, I am so very sorry this happened. It is sad that our d cs have this expectation on us that we will forever take care of them without any inclination on their end to do better for themselves. It seems they have no concept of responsible behavior or holding themselves to standards.When their demands or feeling of entitlement is not met, the acts of retaliation are hurtful, spiteful and unfathomable to those of us with conscience. It goes against the very laws of nature, values and fellow feeling.
While grieving and planning for my hubs services, Rain has appeared at the house and "shopped" our shed. Hoku saw her going through her fathers things and remove a double burner camp stove. Hoku told her to leave it alone, but she took it anyway. I am somewhere between calling police or going down to get it from her. It is probably already pawned or sold.
Hoku said she didn't want her sister to go to jail and miss dads service, but, I am inclined to think with no consequences she will continue to come over and take what she pleases.
Sigh.
So the craziness continues. I have no idea why my eldest has absolutely no conscience in regards to her family. I can only imagine she is angry at her situation in life, all brought upon herself due to her own choices. It must seem to her that we are the "haves" and she is a "have not" and sees no reason why she cannot just take what she wants or needs, with no regard for our own circumstances, with loss of my beloved husband as well as limited income.
Hubs used to watch that zombie show "The Walking Dead". I hated it, and I don't use that word lightly. It reminded me of the many "chronics" I see on the streets and ultimately, of my daughter, body snatched by meth. The longer she is hooked on this stuff, the more she loses her ability to think and act with a sense of morality and values.
It is sad that we live in fear of our own d cs, and the cold hard reality that they could do such harm to themselves and potentially, us, property and the sanctity of our homes.
With that written, I am going to encourage Hoku to make a police report. I fear the theft, uncontested will just encourage Rain to think that she can take whatever she wants. She must know that we will not stand for the insult.
I am so sorry Pasa, for your difficulties with your son. It is a hard road we travel together, and my heart goes out to you dear.
(((HUGS)))
Leaf

 

[Jabberwockey]

Pasa, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You were right in not letting him come to your house. What gets me is the convoluted logic of if you don't let me in I'm going to damage either you or your property. Threats? Seriously? I know how tempting it is to want to just run away and forget everything but that's why we're here chatting instead of being the one chatted about. We understand responsibility and don't try to dodge it like our Difficult Children do.

 

[Copabanana]

PASA, wrapped up in myself and my problems I missed your thread update. Nothing more to add that has been said. Except to echo this: You have done everything right and continue to do so.

I did not open the door.... I called the police.

Good.

In he put a huge dent in the hood of my new rav 4. I pressed charges.

What an axxhole. (Sorry.)

He will soon be in jail and I hope it is very, very soon. I hope you are pressing charges about the vehicle. Do you have a restraining order?

There is nothing more in your arsenal to do except to follow through to make sure the consequences are his for what he has done. You had no other option. Every single thing that has happened is a consequence of his actions. It does not make it pretty or nice but it is the real world. There is no other world for him to live in. As I assume, he has tried serious drugs. Did it work?

Eventually he will catch on or he will be caught.

With behavior like that, nobody will want him near them or on the streets. There will be no support and no trust. By you, by friends or professionals or anybody. He is learning that, and he must learn it.

He is acting the thug. He knows better. He knows right from wrong, he just throws a fit if he does not get immediate gratification.

I have been in this place. Walls, doors, refrigerators, bikes. I wish I had pressed charges. I have threatened a restraining order but did not follow through.

This will play itself out and I hope very quickly. I am sorry, PASA. I think this is a situation that requires very rigid barriers. I would find a way to severe all contact with him for now. He is that out of control. His destruction and threats were clear communication: he needs to be believed.

Even if you believe he would not hurt you, he needs to understand that wilful destruction of property and terrorist threats (in my state that carries a prison sentence of 3 to 4 years) are felonies. I am not sure if these actions exactly fit the criteria (sorry Jabber) but you get the point.

He needs to suffer extreme consequences for these bad decisions. I believe that.

If you feel at risk at all I would take action to protect myself, what ever that would be.

I am so sorry PASA. I am so glad you are here with us. My g-d. When will enough be enough?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He could have contacted teen challenge. They would have taken him. He refused.

My son would not do Teen Challenge, either. I have heard wonderful things about that program over the years, and nothing bad.

Your son is still so young, pasa.

Maybe, this will be one of the last times. Certainly, you are seeing his actions differently. That is a beginning. My son did not change. But on Probation with mandatory testing, he did stop using.

Then he changed.

And that is proof positive that it has been drug use that did this to him, and to us, all along.

How awful.

It was that I knew what I would do if the opportunity presented itself, along with everything I'd learned here, that I began to be able to save myself.

We all have suffered so.

It has to do with the look in the eyes.

I was at Book Club last night. The children's eyes were so clear, the mother and her children so openly affectionate.

We have lost so much, you guys.

It isn't just the bad things that did happen. The worst cut is the good, good things that did not happen.

While grieving and planning for my hubs services, Rain has appeared at the house and "shopped" our shed.

I am so sorry Rain came to your home and left again without seeing you, New Leaf. How hurtful a thing that is.

There is her mother.

Rain chooses a night raid; chooses a camping stove, and leaves without seeing her mother. Both things, the mother and the camping stove, sources of heat; sources of energy and comfort. But oh, so different in the nature of comfort represented.

That decision will haunt Rain I think, as the years pass.

That is a heartbreaking story, New Leaf. I feel badly for Rain, too.

A terrible story.

Can you not set some kind of harmless booby traps up in the garage? Like dinner forks on a string that will rattle if she breaks in again? Or maybe, Christmas bells or some other noisy thing.

Or, you could have a flashlight rigged up somehow. With a recording of a dog barking and a police siren.

I just hate it that Rain came and went and you did not get to see her.

Maybe there is something like this for sale on the internet. If not, we could make a fortune devising a bright light/barking dog/siren alarm, you guys.

We could call it "Bug Zapper".

I don't know why. But that is what I would call it.

Hubs used to watch that zombie show "The Walking Dead". I hated it, and I don't use that word lightly. It reminded me of the many "chronics" I see on the streets and ultimately, of my daughter, body snatched by meth.

Body snatched.

Yes.

***
pasa, I was thinking about Teen Challenge, again. When my son was in his twenties, we talked with Teen Challenge, just learning what was there to be learned. It comforted me to think I'd found somewhere I trusted. We were so ready with the things we believed would help. Because we were, the guilt balance or the power balance or the strength balance shifted.

We had words to say pasa. I think that is what it was.

That was the time D H took over. When son refused to consider it. And D H was like, all over me about what son was doing and went all mano a mano. That is why we have all those funny stories about broccoli and chicken today, which were not funny at the time and squeeze my heart even now.

Anyway, by researching Teen Challenge, we could be strong enough to withstand what was happening to our son. We knew what the answer was. Exactly what the answer was, and that helped us.

I was still destroyed by it a little bit.

Cedar

 

[Jabberwockey]

With that written, I am going to encourage Hoku to make a police report. I fear the theft, uncontested will just encourage Rain to think that she can take whatever she wants.

Can you not set some kind of harmless booby traps up in the garage? Like dinner forks on a string that will rattle if she breaks in again? Or maybe, Christmas bells or some other noisy thing.

My two cents on this? First off, definitely contact the police on this. You're right that the more you let this go uncontested the more it will continue to happen. As far as the "harmless booby trap", I would advise against that. There is always the possibility that someone could trip and hurt themselves on it. My suggestion would be camera's, either ones connected to your computer or trail camera's like hunters use although the trail cam's would be harder to hide. This way you have evidence if you do decide to press charges. And make no mistake, what she did is a felony even though it was only a camp stove that was taken.

Even if you believe he would not hurt you, he needs to understand that wilful destruction of property and terrorist threats (in my state that carries a prison sentence of 3 to 4 years) are felonies. I am not sure if these actions exactly fit the criteria (sorry Jabber) but you get the point.

Not sure about Texas, but here in Missouri that wouldn't be considered a terrorist threat. Trying to charge someone with threats is always twitchy at best. Usually the best you can do is get a restraining order. The $1000 worth of property damage though? Definitely a felony. I would personally have to press charges on that one. Not doing anything could make it harder to get a restraining order if that's the route you want to take. Again, not sure of the laws in your area, just know how it goes around here based on what I've seen some friends go through.

 

[pasajes4]

Anyway, by researching Teen Challenge, we could be strong enough to withstand what was happening to our son. We knew what the answer was. Exactly what the answer was, and that helped us.

Cedar, I agree. I have never wished homelessness on anyone. I reached out to Teen Challenge to get a feel for the program and was impressed with what I heard. I spoke to individuals that have been through the program and how they changed their lives when nothing else had worked. Some of them had been resistant to the program in the beginning but changed their tune when the positives started adding up. Since he is an "adult" this is his call.

This is the only help I am willing to offer him.

The $1000 worth of property damage though? Definitely a felony. I would personally have to press charges on that one.

I am pressing charges. I do not tolerate willful destruction of property. He knows this. I have pressed charges in the past.

I have worked with the physically disabled, mentally challenged, and mentally ill young adults for many years. I know for a fact that he is making the choice to behave and engage in certain things and that it is not a result of his issues. I have witnessed him being able to control these behaviors when he choses to do so. He is vindictive and spiteful when he does not get his way. I will not protect him from the consequences of his own behavior. I have made many mistakes as a parent. I feel that my greatest mistake as his parent would be to not allow him to feel those consequences and to enable him to continue down this path by providing him a safe haven from which to operate.
Do I feel good about my decision? No. Allowing him back in would eliminate my discomfort, but in the long run it would be a disaster. I am to old to spend my remaining years trying to change what is not mine to change.

 

[Lil]

Can you not set some kind of harmless booby traps up in the garage? Like dinner forks on a string that will rattle if she breaks in again? Or maybe, Christmas bells or some other noisy thing.

Sorry to hijack your post Pasa, but when I read this I couldn't help but laugh. To deter the pesky deer, I considered buying a motion sensor sprinkler.

Can you imagine the face of the kid who got zapped by this?

Contech Scarecrow Sprinkler - A Demonstration Review

 

[Jabberwockey]

Can you imagine the face of the kid who got zapped by this?

Ok, there is apparently a picture following this that I will see when I get home.

Ah! At least now it shows it as a blocked youtube video!

 

[GoingNorth]

Every German Shepherd I've had over the years would've been thrilled to death by that sprinkler! S/he would've spent hours trying to figure out the different ways to set it off. Not only that, a couple of them would've chowed down in the veggie garden, too.

 

[Childofmine]

I have heard very good things about Teen Challenge too. And the best thing is it's not just for Teens.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

To deter the pesky deer, I considered buying a motion sensor sprinkler.

I love this.

Not to go all gardening on everybody, but should my hostas survive?

The deer will come.

I would think that spray of water would deter a person with criminal intent, too. The video seemed to show the force and direction of water flow changing to follow the animal. It didn't just spray in one place when it triggered.

Choice.

I am going to look into this, you guys.

Cedar

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I have heard very good things about Teen Challenge too. And the best thing is it's not just for Teens.

My girlfriend's son went in the program, did 9 months out of 12. He did well for 9 months. The longer you are there, the more privledges you get, you also move up in rank, etc. Well, one day they were out on the street handing out pamphlets and asking for dontations (funded soley by private donations- no government help). He decided to steal the money. That was that. He was kicked out. Year later, he is doing 7 years in prison for theft of a safe from the place he worked.

Teen Challenge is for adults as well. They came to our church and did a presentation. I ended up giving the one man, my leather bound bible. I told him pay if forward someday.

Great program, lots of discipline. But it does help folks.

Another program is Salvation Army, which is 9-12 month program as well.

Son, would do neither. Sighhh.

 

[New Leaf]

I wonder if it would work on the dang feral chickens?
It's like a water machine gun........
Are we a tad off subject?

 

[GoingNorth]

Does anyone know of any non-religious programs for kids/adults who might be more comfortable with those? Some might also be uncomfortable because of salvation army's brass' anti LGBTQ stand.

 

[Copabanana]

any non-religious programs

There is in Los Angeles, Culver City to be precise, a Jewish version that is low key about religion, will accept anybody, regardless of financial situation. It is run by a social worker and her Rabbi husband. What I love about it is that it is spiritually-based, focused upon moral poverty as one determinant of personal difficulty, and the need to find purpose.

 

[GoingNorth]

Copa, It's against Jewish law to proselytize, so they would be rather low-key if modern jews. Fundamentalist Jews (Hasidim, Haredim, Lebovitchers, etc) would simply not be around anyone else given the choice, and expect the outsiders to cater to their beliefs.

Let's do stick to the board rule about not naming names of facilities in public though, and stick to PMs for that.

 

[Copabanana]

Let's do stick to the board rule about not naming names of facilities

Thank you, Going. I did not know of the rule.