He didn't show

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Feb 2, 2019.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Thinking of you. How are you doing?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you for thinking about me, RN.

    I'm glad things are settling down again in your house. I think that that is a huge part of our recovery the locating ourselves in the trust and faith and confidence that is ours to have. As opposed to looking for that in them. In what they do or don't do. Which has been my weak link. Big time.

    I have begun to go to AA to change, which I have been wanting to do for the past year or so. I am not a drinker but I want find a way to not be so "out there" about my son, both in terms of reactivity, which would be NOT having my functioning and contentment and stability and strength dependent upon some result over which I have no control.

    I am grateful I am doing this. In just a few days I feel differently. Thank you RN.
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    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    That is great Copa. So good when we find something/anything that makes us feel better.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I hope you are all well.

    I have been living my life trying to focus upon the recovery that I need and letting my son live his life. Occasionally, I will text him but in the last two weeks there have been no attempts at meeting or thoughts of same.

    My dilemma is this: The other house is nearly finished, the one I bought because it has an apartment over the garage where my son can stay. M thinks I should go ahead and rent out the whole apartment as well as the separate house and forget about leaving a space for my son. He says the writing on the wall is that if my son does not even want me to see him, that the idea that he return is farfetched; that I would be forfeiting the rent for nothing, just waiting for a J who is out there and not headed back.

    It is true that my son has made no effort to speak to me about returning. While I would not be forfeiting the whole rent, by keeping a room open, as I would be renting a room to M's brother in law, the question arises whether or not this is an unwise proposition. Am I living in fantasy land? Keeping alive a reality that no longer exists? At the time I bought the property my son was trying to make things work with us, and there seemed to be the possibility of a middle ground that may no longer exist.

    And the other thing that has changed, is me. I am trying hard to confront my own feelings in me, rather than as located in him, about him. While I am suffering, I am no longer suffering as much about HIM.

    So the question is, do I move and leave my son to his own efforts, without a place to come back to? And do I walk the plank to a place that feels uncomfortable and scary?

    The idea of doing this is both scary and exciting. It is exciting because it would be putting down this great burden that I have been carrying. It would be scary because I would have to move on. At the same time, I recognize that moving on is a good thing.

    I can also see it might be a good thing for him to let him face his life himself. Without the possibility of coming back.

    But is this really me? Can I do this? Should I? I don't know.

    Thank you very much.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2019
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I think you have time to think all of this through, to take into consideration M’s perspective, but do what feels right for you.
    I feel our lives have been so turned upside down and inside out that we get used to living like we need to do something, anything to “put out the fire.” Rescue mode, evolving to panic mode, anxiety, depression, all over something we have no control over. The damn rabbit hole.
    My quote thingee isn’t working.
    I am so glad you are going to meetings and finding yourself through them. Life is too short to be spending it holding our breath waiting for our adult kids to wake up. Making decisions based on whether they do, or don’t.
    I was super anxious and depressed over the holidays, talking with Tornado while she was locked up, I didn’t even realize the downward spiral until I shook myself out of it. Moth to the flame again, listening to her talk about change and being with family, quoting Bible verses. It was all just talk. She’s back on the streets, missed her court dates, bench warrant, ugh. Of course, it’s “my fault” because I wouldn’t let her come home. No, I don’t believe that, but yes, I confess, I agonized over it.
    Then I got sick. A weird virus that made me feel ancient in my bones, no energy, dizzy, exhausted. It lasted for three weeks, and I thought that I was done for.
    Coming out of that, I thought long and hard about what the rest of my life might look like. How I am thankful to be back in good health. How really, really awful and debilitating the stress of worrying over my two, is. I don’t know if they will ever understand the pain of it. As much as I work at praying and giving it to God, it’s there. And that’s okay. It’s what I have to bear. But, I am determined to not let that pain direct my life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my years with sadness leading me.
    Keep up the good work, Copa. You matter. We all matter. I am so happy that you find respite with the AA meetings. I’m getting back to my art, that is helping me stand up again in my spirit.
    We all need something to strengthen us on this journey of ours.
    Big hugs,
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you New Leaf.
    That's the thing. I don't know how I feel. Except the truth be told, I felt liberated at the thought. I want to put this burden down. I want to be free. Yes. I said it. That feels lighter to say it. I don't want to do all the work.

    Maybe my son feels the same way, his version of it. Maybe he wants it just to be easier. He does not want the hassle, either. To have to be anything more than he wants to be, that he feels able to be.
    I am too. There has been a woman off and on who has tried to help me in the house off and on. And she sees me making very slow progress, and then undoing it. She is active in AA and she just leveled with me: this is your life that's ebbing away. If you think you're going to finish the house like this, you're wrong. So I went to the meeting. And she suggested 90 meetings in 90 days, and I obeyed. I am glad I did. I barely drink alcohol at all, but I need what they offer.

    The virus you describe sounds like you completely ran yourself down to the ground. I am glad you are paying attention. That can get serious. This is what I wrote my dissertation about. Exactly that. And the women who got better were the ones who listened to what their bodies were telling them. Which is: you can't keep going like this. We can't run on empty. We can't give what we don't have to give.
    I doubt they will, even if they change, g-d willing, but does it really matter? The important person to get it, is you. That you understand the pain of it, the cost of it, and that it's too much. That you build up again your reserves, through your art, what you love (your canoes, gardening, etc.), sustaining relationships and 20 other things that fill you up, not tear you down.

    Tornado's craziness is just that. It makes me mad that she lays this on you. But the thing is, it's on us to bulk up so much that it doesn't hurt so much, and when it does we have reserves to bounce back quickly.
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Copa. I think we need recovery as much as they do. I feel I owe it to Tornado, as much as do I owe it to myself, to not let her manipulation, gas lighting and blame throwing infect me. That’s what it does, when I let it. It is a sad fact that I need to build up my toolbox and armor to withstand the machinations of my own adult child. But, it is truth. Until she faces her own addiction and wants change, I will be a target. Only if I allow myself to be one.
    That is unacceptable, to be slain at the hands of my own flesh and blood.
    It is true what you write about what difference would it make, if they knew this pain we carry. It is up to us to gird our loins for the battle, that battle is to come into our own, no matter come what may with them. That is not indifference or lack of love for our wayward adult children.
    It is survival.
    I still believe that strengthening ourselves, is the greatest way to show our love for them.
    Keep on keeping on warrior sister.
    Thank you so much for all of your heartfelt truths shared throughout your posts. You have helped me tremendously, I am deeply indebted to you for your honesty, wisdom and kindness.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is the key. Just this. I buy in. I mean, not just the down payment. I take over the whole mortgage.

    This was never fair to my son. To his credit, he has stopped asking. That one time when he boarded the train to come back, and I flipped, was the only time, and he turned around. He knows now that we can't go back to the way it was. I know it. And I think he knows too. I am so grateful for that. I can't take more either. Even if I wanted to, I can't take it. You can't either, New Leaf.

    What I think is this: Tornado is being so mean to you, I would understand if you backed off even more. I can't recall one loving or caring thing she has said or done, since I've known you. It's not that she's incapable, but her lifestyle, the drugs, rob her of her heart. It's there but it's hiding too, so as to not be destroyed by her lifestyle.

    New Leaf. There are no "shoulds" anymore. Not for us, anymore.