He is Ramping up Please give me Strenght.

[Sam3]

Stressful and sad moments. Son has been pounding on the door and throwing rocks at our windows. This has been going on for 2 hours now. He managed to link his I pod up to the blue tooth speaker and was also blaring music. Husband went down and disconnected the speaker. If I had gone I would have caved and let him in the house. This is not the behavior of a well person.

My heart is shattered into bits, my chest is pounding. I am here writing and reaching to prevent me from caving in.

I know I should call the police, we do not have the heart to. Now that he is 18 this would be an adult charge. We do what our hearts can bear.

Strength to endure. Hope that he is suffering enough that he gets it.

By the way, I think you were perfect.

You didn't go down because you know yourself. You posted instead and put on the noise cancellation head phones. You recognized your weakness -- that your mom's heart can be exploited -- and you exercised self control. That's all we've ever wanted our children to be able to do. Not to be perfect.

You were an excellent example.

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL.

Same same same. I was just going to copy and paste your post and redline the few changes.

Woe and lament. "You couldn't possibly understand how hard this is."

Changed demeanor when you let him in for a shower. Carrying on with his connected life.

Stolen iPhone cables. This had been going on for a couple years. I thought I was losing my mind. How much street value can they have?

He blamed us for falling behind in school because how could he keep up without a secure place to stay?
He wasn't keeping up before he left.

Refused to be tested even just for hard drugs. (We were prepared to give him a short pass with pot and alcohol.) Speaks for itself

It's darkly comical how the mask of addiction looks the same on so many.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am seriously emotionally hung over today barely draging myself through a small list of things I need to do I’m grateful it’s a slow day

 

[pasajes4]

All too familiar. Mine is lurking around the house. I get alerts from the security cameras. Then come the calls from random #s asking for money and clothes so that he can get a job. Nope. I call the police and hopefully o e day they eill catch up with him.

 

[RN0441]

LBL

You are doing extremely well. I'm so impressed by your strength and resilience. You haven't been doing this very long and when he ramps it up you have ramped it up to meet his challenge.

It's almost like a game of sort. But the truth is we are doing it to help them hit their rock bottom sooner. We don't know what that rock bottom will be because it is different for each and every situation.

I have often commented to myself about how the behaviors or our addicted young adults is so similar to one another. It's really baffling.

We know that letting them be comfortable and using isn't helping them or us and will only prolong the suffering of us all.

 

[pigless in VA]

Hang in there, LBL. There is nothing so horrible as to watch someone we love self-destruct.

 

[New Leaf]

It's darkly comical how the mask of addiction looks the same on so many.

You are so right Sam. Darkly comical.
Then there is our initial reaction to this.
As our d cs swirl into their addiction and disregard for themselves, us, our homes, lives, we struggle with it too. Who ever thought that we would be faced with such a thing? Sucked in to a world and routine that knocks us off our feet, until we are mired in the swamp of it.
Desperate for answers and solutions, thinking that somehow we are responsible to provide them.
We are blinded by our love and the instinctive drive to do something, anything in our power to stop the descent.
Do we even realize how enmeshed we become?
I didn't.
Thought I was being a dutiful, loving, caring mother.
Thought I was losing my mind, misplacing things.
Stuff went missing.
It went from small stuff to bigger stuff, to hubs and I locking our wallets in the car and sleeping with the keys.
Then stuff went missing from my younger children's rooms.
Hubs changed their bedroom doorknobs to key locking ones.
GULP!
How we rearranged our lives to accommodate the madness!
DARKLY COMICAL!
Youngest son at 14 wisely said "Mom, why do we have people living with us that we can't trust?"
Thus began my journey towards escaping the grasp my two's addiction had on ME.
I began to see that their descent was my descent as well.
I was caught up in the swirly whirly of it all, my desperation was as insidious as theirs.
I took the blinders off.
My two began to show me over and again, what I needed to know.
They are drug addicts.
Drug addicts lie, steal and manipulate.
UGH.
Someone has to pull up and out of the descent.
Someone has to stand strong and look at what is happening for what it is.
As long as our d c's are in the grasp of addiction, they will not do it.
They will try everything in their power to try to pull the wool over our eyes, to keep us blinded and desperate right along with them. Copa is right, they know what to say to keep us spinning-abracadabra.

Desperate is a horrible place to be

de·spair
dəˈsper/
noun

1. 1.
   the complete loss or absence of hope.
   "driven to despair, he throws himself under a train"
   synonyms: hopelessness, disheartenment, discouragement, desperation, distress, anguish, unhappiness;
   despondency, depression, disconsolateness, melancholy, misery, wretchedness;
   defeatism, pessimism

The opposite of despair is hope.
Hope for change, not only for our d c's, but for ourselves. Changing our outlook, our reaction and our response.
It does not happen quickly, but if we try one step at a time we can do it.
Each time our d cs show us where they are in their addiction, we can change our reaction.
Chink in the armor.
Toughen ourselves up.
Work towards building our toolbox.
Stop bargaining for measurable outcomes.
This is too predictably unpredictable for that.

We have no control over what our d c's do.

We can however, have control over our reactions.

We do not have to sink ever so low to allow our hearts and minds to be twisted alongside with them.

It is not easy to do, but tantamount to our surviving this.

LBL, I am sorry your son is engaging you in this manner. It is a horrid thing to go through.
Each time you face this, remind yourself that you have value and worth and it is absurd that your son would disrespect you in such ways.
Life is too short to be enshrouded in the misery of this.
You sound strong in your post and determined to pull up and out. We are all here with you on the journey, understanding how difficult it is.

I am seriously emotionally hung over today barely draging myself through a small list of things I need to do I’m grateful it’s a slow day

That is completely understandable LBL. You have been through the wringer and then some. I hope that you are able to rest and find some peace of mind.

Mine is lurking around the house. I get alerts from the security cameras. Then come the calls from random #s asking for money and clothes so that he can get a job. Nope.

Pasa, that’s just awful. I am so sorry.
It really is flabbergasting that these d cs have absolutely no boundaries or empathy for the hell we go through.
Drugs just seem to strip them of fellow feeling and natural affection.
LBL, one day at a time.
Be very kind and gentle with yourself.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

They are drug addicts.
Drug addicts lie, steal and manipulate.
UGH.

We try to defend ourselves and harden our hearts to this reality. And not only to our DCs but to our community supports that shame us from protecting ourselves from a never changing situation. Naranon has given me tremendous strength to pull myself out of dispare and be a victim no more. No More!

It does not happen quickly, but if we try one step at a time we can do it.

.

I am learning to forgive myself for small set backs and continue forward with strength and love. What I do I do with love, strength and compassion; with hope for change. This includes change for my AS. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I feel like I have a special weapon and a new secret language from the support of this forums memebers and Naranon. When I am being thrown under the bus of FOG be it by AS or community supports intent on shaming me into not making my addict their problem; I tap my mental secret decoder ring. Instant access to knowledge, power and strength.

The kind of strength that can only come from knowing first had such dispare.

Locking away ourselves, our personal belongings, and our other children! Indeed Leafy it is a swirly Whirley ride of dispare.

And yes Leafy if we let it it will consume us whole. Nothing left standing but the addict with his hungry ghost with an uniffilabe hunger, looking to consume everything and anything.

We do not own this. We did not Cause this, we can not Cure this, and we can not Control this.

Hope and unity changes this, and we must hold strong together in our secrete little community.

I was truly wallowing in the lap of self pitty yesterday when I got news from a dear friend. I thought her life was so simple so perfect, she had married well was so “Lucky”. Her children where great! She called to inform me that she has a rare form of sinus cancer and the highly malignant kind. She will be losing over half of her facial structure on Thursday. The odds of one year of survival are less than 50/50 and the odds for 2 and 5 year decline from there and are listed as dismal at best.

What flooded back to me is the loss of her toddler to a freak drowning accident. The loss of her twin brother to a terrible lingering disease. So many challenges and trials in her life. She was not lucky, nor was her life perfect. She had the love power and strength to endure, survive and live life in the face of adversity. Live a life people envied so much they saw past her adversity and saw Joy. This is now my mission. My lesson and my hope! Her focus is to survive, as long as possible.

I chose not to tell her about my son and asked our common friends to do the same.

A dear amazing support began to FOG over her Difficult Child yesterday, funny thing was she pulled me right out of my darkness, I could not seem to rally for myself, but by helping someone else I pulled myself up too. Thank you for rescuing me MOF. We will be here to support and rescue each other as long as it takes.

And yes in the face of our dismal odds of seeing our AC get the help they need and stay clean and sober, we will survive. We will push on. We will endeavour to live in the face of our adversity, that other people no longer see this when they see us. They will see an enviable happy life.

The cost of this life of joy and self care, cost far less than being pulled into the Swurley Whurley of dispare.

I stayed up too late. I am tired but energized. I engaged and surrounded myself with people who could pull me through.

I chatted with my friend and I was glad I was on line late. Her husband was away and she was full of doubt and fear. We reminisced and chatted and talked about treatment options and realities. I found self worth in someone who needed me. I had strength to help, for the third time.

My AS turned up. He had missed the curfew at the Shelter. It was cold and raining. I told him he could sleep here. He could eat and go to his old room. He could sleep until we asked him to leave in the morning and NO shenanigans! And before I let him in I said give me back the 2 charging cables and cube you stole and lied about yesterday!

He produced them and said “OH these I took them last week.” I am sure his lie comforts him it doesn’t comfort me. I also asked him to drug test. That was for me. So I didn’t start to FOG over in his presence.

He is showering and will leave momentarily. Tough stuff but not impossible. Better than a month ago when it was tough and impossible. When letting him stick his nose in our tent would have had him in for keeps. I think this quote may have been from Piggless, or Teriobe...RN....Pasa...Copa...Sam...suz...KT...BBU...SWOT.....or one of so many many wise supports here.

You are ALL with me this morning as I will stand point and say I love you but you have to go.

 

[wisernow]

i pray that you remain strong and hold your boundaries despite how painful and devastating it is. Know that you are doing the right thing to save him....if he doesn't learn consequences his behavior will continue to spiral until such time as he does something that will be illegal and the law will then force consequences. His behavior in your house shows no humility...only manipulation. This is all up to him now. You must remove yourself from the dance heartbreaking as it is. He will find his way on his timeline, not yours. Hugs to you.

 

[pasajes4]

The weather here is supposed to turn cold (for these parts) over the weekend. I wish I could let mine in and know that he would leave the next morning without the screaming and destruction of property. I have to continually remind myself that he chose to camp out in a ditch rather than follow the rules at the shelter.
I know that his behavior is designed to make me stay in FOG. I can't play his game. The cost is my sanity.
I am glad that you are able to do this for your son.

 

[Littleboylost]

The weather here is supposed to turn cold (for these parts) over the weekend. I wish I could let mine in and know that he would leave the next morning without the screaming and destruction of property. I have to continually remind myself that he chose to camp out in a ditch rather than follow the rules at the shelter.
I know that his behavior is designed to make me stay in FOG. I can't play his game. The cost is my sanity.
I am glad that you are able to do this for your son.

Pasa
It’s hard and I am a train wreck. They are all like a box of chocolates....or pretty coulourful hand grenades. We don’t sleep well we watch him like a Hawk. He attempts to ramp up and he does back down...for now ....this time.
This is all powerful for me, the drug test positive for Cocaine, amphetamines, THC and opiods. I told him I have a narcan kit and I wanted him to have it. He said ok and took it. Asked me how to use it. I showed him. He said now you think I am a Junky. I said i think you do drugs and take risks and can save someone else who ODs. I hope they can save you if it happens to you.

Now today is about me!

 

[so ready to live]

Wow, LBL, that took strength without FOG. I'm impressed. You were open and honest with him and saved you in the process.

He said now you think I am a Junky

I can so hear my son saying this...
It never ceases to amaze me that they can't/won't see where their life's gone.
Today, you gave him a great gift...the truth. Prayers.

 

[pasajes4]

Giving him the narcon was such a powerful and loving gift. I pray he never has to use it.

 

[Littleboylost]

This boy is on a bad path. Poly use and probably alcohol in the mix. Tested positive for Cocaine, Benzos, THC, Opioids, and amphetamines. Narcan may not help.

He may be able to help someone else. He said a buddy died last week of OD and younger than him.

There is no talking to him he is so drug brained at the moment. Feeling invincible. He will either get arrested or die. That is his journey and I must accept that.

 

[Sam3]

I agree. It was an incredible act of love.

To tell him "I know where you might be, I accept that, I want you to live"

When I was contemplating bringing our son back home (and his drug of choice isn't opiods, to my knowledge) I read this article. The mom had come to reject the tough love approach, which wasn't what stuck with me, it was the power of the act of giving her son Narcan. That toward the end of the article.

I Had to Abandon the Tough Love Approach to Save My Son From Heroin

 

[Littleboylost]

I too found and read this article when I was trying to understand the different options of managing our son.
We have opted to love and not enable and now detach with that love.

Traditional tough love shunning, shaming and turning our backs does not work for us. However having him live with us any longer is only helping him kill Himself.
I feel like I am in a bad Saturday TV drama. I want out.

 

[BusynMember]

Shunning, shaming and turning our backs isnt tough lo e. Its mean. Tough love is not enabling and allowing them to face consenquences.

 

[Sam3]

Shunning, shaming and turning our backs isnt tough lo e. Its mean. Tough love is not enabling and allowing them to face consenquences.

Agree to both this and LBLs comments. ( I don't know how to multi-quote)

And Narcan enables life so they can live to get tired of the life and to fight the addiction.

 

[New Leaf]

Traditional tough love shunning, shaming and turning our backs does not work for us.

Me too, LBL. I think small acts of kindness are good. On our terms. Being able to do this without sinking into the abyss is key.
The article on detachment here speaks of detaching with love. It is not a cold hearted complete cutting off. It is a recognition that there are situations that are completely out of our control. That we do have the right (duty?) to establish boundaries of what is unacceptable in the sanctity of our homes.That we are not the cause of our beloveds issues, their choices are. We cannot shield them from the consequences of their choices, they won't learn. We shouldn't have to continually suffer with their choices, either.

However having him live with us any longer is only helping him kill Himself.

It is the same for me, and my two. Over and again, they have shown me that living with me is not an option. I read the article and thought how confusing this all is. I guess it is a testimony that there is no ONE way. What is not mentioned is what this mother had to put up with through her sons recovery in her home. Was it her reaching out to him that worked? (Tried that) Did she have to put up with lying and stealing?

I feel like I am in a bad Saturday TV drama. I want out.

Me too.
Stay strong LBL.

She called to inform me that she has a rare form of sinus cancer and the highly malignant kind.

Oh no, I am so sorry, LBL. "There by the grace of God, go I."
There are so many examples around us of people facing adversity with strength and grace. I think it is about how we all view life, living with an attitude of gratitude and positivity.

The weather here is supposed to turn cold (for these parts) over the weekend. I wish I could let mine in and know that he would leave the next morning without the screaming and destruction of property.

I don't know what is harder Pasa, to have this shoved in our face (my Rain, for a time, lived in a tent up the road from us) or to just not know how our d cs are faring.
The screaming and destruction, that I do know.
That old song "You are Always on my Mind" plays in my head.
So, I have to turn that into the only thing I can do in the moment, pray.

I know that his behavior is designed to make me stay in FOG. I can't play his game. The cost is my sanity.

Agree completely. Keep your proverbial headlights on. I sunk a bit around the time of my Tornados birthday, but then reminded myself that her choices have led her to some very dark places. You guys helped me through, too.
Keeping my headlights on and daily prayer that she see the light helps.I pray all of our d cs see the light.
Like your son, mine have shown me the results of having them in my home.
Simply does not work, for them, or for me.
Truth.
It does not mean that I am always a pillar of strength, quite the opposite!
What a journey we are all on.

Another day, it is early morning here and I am off to work.
Take care friends, may we all find peace and joy.

My theme today instead of "moth to the flame" is Phoenix rising out of the ashes.

Aloha and
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

aloha aku oe, a hiki i kou la mau alohi