He was fired today

SuZir

Well-Known Member
The house that he is in SuZir has this requirement to get a job or volunteer within a certain amount of time but this is not enforced. The program sounds more structured than it actually is. There are all kinds of rules on the website about daily meetings and being out of bed by 9 AM yet my son says he sleeps in and has blown off the meetings on some days with no consequence until I told the house manager about it. We chose this program because of the convienent location to transportation and jobs and proximity to his uncle and sister, and more lenient in terms of curfew and visitation than the last one he was in. It's a nice place and the rent is decent, but I am frustrated at the lack of structure. So I'm sure it won't be a problem if he's out of work.

Ach, rules that are not enforced (and may then fall onto you unexpectedly) tend to be bad for difficult children. And then comes the whole "it is unfair that others got away with it and I didn't" song and dance.

But anyway, maybe it would be better for him in long term to try to find some low pressure volunteer position for now when he waits access to job services he likely needs? Structure and having to actually do something every day is very good and helps people with issues a lot, but if the job attempts always seem to fail, it does do damage. Even worse if they did try their best.

What kind of volunteer options with little hurry, maybe limited social contacts and maybe something physically active there could be? Walking shelter dogs? Picking rubbish from parks or other outdoor place? Maybe something like that?


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Albatross

Well-Known Member
I was thinking that too, that volunteering would be good to get him back out there, give his day some structure, maybe even give his confidence a little shot in the arm, if the job is something he does well. It might help him learn what would be a "good" fit job-wise too. I think we all surprise ourselves with liking a job we thought we were going to hate, and vice versa.

The manager still hasn't said "No" yet, so maybe that will come through for him. Still have my fingers crossed and hoping your son follows through!
 

in a daze

Well-Known Member
Well, miracles happen.

He got his job back!

Called the manager again today and pleaded his case. He starts at 0800 tomorrow in the spice and herb department. Thankfully it's not the deli.

He's got his alarm clock that he had all along tested and ready. I'm giving him a wakeup call. He's setting an alarm on his ipod. He's showered and has all his stuff laid out.

He is worried about having a nicotine fit. They can't smoke on the street. He might get some nicotine gum. I told him not to lose his job again for a cigarette...

I really didn't think he was going to call the manager back. He's kind of introverted. But he called him, three times. This persistence and initiative is rarely seen in him. I'm just amazed.

You're both right, volunteering is a good idea. He mentioned maybe an animal shelter. But I could really see him showing up late to that as he wouldn't consider it a real job.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Wow, what happy news, Daze! Good for him for being so persistent and being ready to go tomorrow! I hope he has a great first day!
 

SuZir

Well-Known Member
That's great! It is wonderful he was so persistent and it even work. Good luck for him and hopefully it works. That kind of things can work wonders for one's self esteem.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I'm glad to hear this news IAD. He really stepped up to the plate.

I don't want to be a downer here, but don't fly through the air on his highs and wins and then crash to the ground if he loses or makes a bad choice. Don't allow your inner peace to be dictated by the actions of him or really, anyone else.

That has been such a hard lesson for me, to stay in my neutral zone, to stay balanced in my own okayness as my difficult child dances on that razors edge and slips off on either side. I don't want to be on that ride, my intention is to be present, loving, connected but not pulled in all directions by the choices or behaviors of others. And, believe me, it is a PRACTICE too. I am not sure mastery can happen in this lifetime, but the intention, for me, goes a long way.

Sending you hugs IAD.
 

in a daze

Well-Known Member
Well, thanks, everyone. Happy that he's gotten a second chance, hope he doesn't blow it.

I don't want to be a downer here, but don't fly through the air on his highs and wins and then crash to the ground if he loses or makes a bad choice. Don't allow your inner peace to be dictated by the actions of him or really, anyone else.

That has been such a hard lesson for me, to stay in my neutral zone, to stay balanced in my own okayness as my difficult child dances on that razors edge and slips off on either side. I don't want to be on that ride, my intention is to be present, loving, connected but not pulled in all directions by the choices or behaviors of others. And, believe me, it is a PRACTICE too. I am not sure mastery can happen in this lifetime, but the intention, for me, goes a long way.

I really struggle with this, Recovering. I try to take it a day at a time. I try to keep in mind that he may fail. It sounds like kind of a Zen philosophy you have going. Any other books you can reccomend that would help me stay on an even keel? His extreme depression just really got to me this time. It's so hard to take when they call you up and say they've been in bed all day, etc.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I don't know your son, but I care so much about all of our kids. I just want to give your child a big hug and tell him to take notes (nobody cares if you do that) and not rush while he is at work. I so hope this goes well for precious adult child. How some of them struggle and yet, this time, how well your son fought. Big kudos to him. I am proud of him.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
This is wonderful news. That the job was offered is such a nice thing ~ but that your son chose to focus and persist, that he has learned that we can make mistakes and come back from them if we are determined to do so ~ these things he's learned and acted on are priceless, painful lessons.

He's done so well, by his own initiative.

I would like to hug and hug him, too!

I suppose it is better not to behave as though you expected anything less. My intention at this point (in addition to Recovering's staying present for myself, allowing and celebrating the people and things I love, and staying vitally, deep-down connected ~ no more numbing) is to believe.

No more fear.

All the worrying hasn't changed anything. All the regret and resentment haven't helped me or anyone else. So, I am trying this new thing, both in relation to my kids, and in my personal life, too.

So far Daze? So very, very good.

You asked about books.

There is something called "riding the edge of discomfort", Daze. Brene Brown has a TED talk on it. I will find and post for you, here. Her work has to do with seeing and coping with shame and other negative emotions through vulnerability ~ through staying present to them.

Once I became aware that I was covering negatives with defenses developed over the course of a lifetime, I could see it well enough that I could choose to sit with and survive the negative emotions, instead of covering them over, instead of not looking. The result is what I call "being present."

There is a sense of timelessness to it.

Brene Brown's books have been helpful to me. Her TED talks have been helpful. Both Pema Chodron and Brene Brown are on YouTube, Daze. Little discussions on so many aspects of our lives.

So helpful, so relevant.

I am taking a free, 21 day meditation series sponsored by Ariana Huffington: On Becoming Fearless.

These things have all been so helpful to me.

Going to find the sites for you.

Cedar

I'm so happy about your boy, Daze.

:O)
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Daze, in thinking about RE's post to you, which I believe is wise, sage advice, I think it's somehow about not only acceptance of what is, but truly, somehow, letting go of whatever happens.

Is that even possible?

If we are happy for the good things with people we love, how can we not be sad for the bad things?

I have realized this past week, as I have picked myself up from the floor, that although I have been accepting (I think) of difficult child's current situation (homeless, no job, sleeping in abandoned houses) I am still waiting with bated breath for him to wake up and get it and stop this nonsense and start doing the right things. The days ticked by and I numbered them.

I have been keeping my distance and have detached a lot, but there is still all of that in the mix, in my head, and also in the unspoken silence between us.

So maybe I haven't accepted. Maybe I have just been tolerating that which I can't change.

I honestly can't get my mind around somebody living like he has been and just going on day after day after day doing whatever he does, with little sense of urgency to change it. I know it's the addiction. I know that.

I'm not going to ever understand addiction. I can read all about it but I am still not prepared for the relentless, ongoing, neverending dysfunction of it. I first typed insanity, then chaos, and then dysfunction. Because I am realizing that he likely doesn't see it at all that way. That's how I see it.

I see all of these attitudes I have as my obstacles. My motivation is to have a wonderful life, so I have to keep on letting go and trying to learn how to let go even more.

Somehow.

How do you do this when you love somebody and you are so scared for them and you see their life as a complete train wreck? I know that is judging him. I don't want to do that, but I am.

And we are all hoping that your son makes it in this job. And (not to be a downer, but along these same lines) what if he doesn't, this time? What if he takes some major steps forward---like he has done already---but the sustainability isn't there. It's not the same measure as we give ourselves. Okay, so he starts again. Or he doesn't. Why can't I accept that as completely okay and let go of expectations for anything?

We are told in Al-Anon that expectations is what kills us. I believe that. I just don't know how to let them completely go.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
IAD, it's a struggle for me too. Cedar gave you the resources that helped me too. That talk by Brene Brown is wonderful. The books which helped me a lot are Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and really any of Pema Chodrons books, but I really liked Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and change.

For me, it is a spiritual opportunity for living within all of the strange paradoxes of life, all of the remarkable joy and the undeniable pain, and trying to maintain some kind of equilibrium. It ain't easy. We're dealing here with the people we likely love the most in our lives and when their lives explode, the almost natural tendency is for our lives to shatter along with them. However common and real that is, I personally don't think it's inevitable...............BUT and it's a big but, it's a lot of work to be able to pull that off.

For me, it has had a lot to do with facing what scares me, my fears. When it comes to our kids, there is a lot of fear. Perhaps the biggest one is that they will die, but there are so many others........that they are in jail, that they make a choice which ruins their lives, that it is something we did or didn't do that prompts their demise, that they don't find any joy in life, that someone harms them..................perhaps all the usual fears of parenting but brought to huge proportions because of their mental issues, substance abuse, poor choices, whatever. Living within that constant fear about our kids can ruin our lives.

I think the Pema Chodron books give a very good explanation of how to live within all of the uncertainty and chaos, putting it into a spiritual context of having each episode of facing our fears being used as an opportunity for awakening. For me that makes sense along with the Buddhist philosophy of recognizing that attachments are what cause our suffering and that if one looks deeply, one can find some meaning in that suffering. And, to find and let go of our attachments, whatever they are.

For me, in addressing it as a spiritual journey goes hand in hand with making sure that I bring the same compassion and care to my self. Often I think, as women, our care of our kids supersedes our self care. Over time that can do serious harm to us in depletion of our own resources. We may not even identify it because we're so used to doing it. So self care becomes extremely important. And, I believe it goes way beyond getting our nails done and having dinner with our girlfriends, although I believe that is important, what to me is monumentally important is that we have compassion for ourselves and that we love, accept and honor ourselves in the middle of this painful landscape. I had to look deep in to my own issues with self love to recognize the places where self cruelty, judgments, self blame, unreachable expectations, control, shame, fear and denial were hidden.

What I used to think was self care in reality was a drop in the bucket in what my practice in that area looks like now. It had to do with taking away the enabling stance of external focus and making it an internal focus. For me, that external focus on my daughter was detrimental for both of us. At some point when our kids grow up, I think it is a natural occurrence for that focus to shift back to us, but with difficult child's that doesn't usually occur, so we end up in an unnatural connection which, in my opinion, is unhealthy and harmful. When our kids are mentally challenged or suffering in substance abuse, those lines of demarcation become very difficult to determine.

I often think that the stages of grief are what we go through here on this site. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We slide around all of those feelings for a long time. At one point in my life I worked with people who were dying and their families and it was an extremely sobering and enlightening experience for me. Some people get to that acceptance before they pass and it is a remarkable and awe inspiring event. It taught me a lot about how I wanted to live my life. I thought, why wait until I am about to expire before I learn about that kind of acceptance. Well, then life threw me a curveball with my daughter and I was thrown into those 5 stages of grief on a daily basis. I thought I might have been more careful about what I asked for!

Your son and my daughter may be living this life for the rest of our lives, (I know, a sobering thought) or not, we don't know which way it will go. I can't jump into the future and force any outcome, so I am right here in the present moment and that's where I have to put all my energy now. It's all okay right now. Meditation helps a lot. Things like yoga, or Tai Chi, anything that keeps your mind occupied or disengaged so that for just a little bit of time, those fearful thoughts, or what if thoughts, are not holding us hostage. When this first began with my daughter about 2 1/2 years ago, my intention was to find a way to have inner peace in the midst of all of it. That's my daily practice. I get there and I fall off, repeatedly, but the moments I can sustain that peace, even for a tiny amount of time, make a huge difference in my experience of not only this stuff with our kids, but the rest of my life as well.

I look at life as lessons to learn. This is my lesson to learn acceptance. It's a big one. When I read all our stories here, I think that lesson is prominent here, so, for me, in that regard, many of us are on the same journey. I have great compassion for all of us. So much of this, for me, has been learning to turn that compassion onto myself. Out of that, I believe, acceptance of what is, becomes a little easier to find.
 
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tryagain

Active Member
IAD, I was so excited to read this good news! I am very proud of your son for taking this huge step for himself. And good news from me in a similar vein, my daughter (the difficult child who overdosed in late February) is holding down her new job also, and things are going well for her right now. One day at a time...
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
That's great, Try Again! Yes, one day at a time, for them and for us, learning to let go and let them live their lives, celebrating their successes without any expectations of what tomorrow may bring.
 
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