Dearest Heavy hearted, this is tough stuff. I remember all the thoughts racing through my head, mixed up with sadness and anger, frustration and just being plain wiped out. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to destress. Read, meditate, listen to calming music.
I think once the "new" wears off of this situation, I can start putting my life back together again. Piece by piece. It's definitely going to be a long hard road to hold.
There is an eerie quiet space in our homes when our difficult adult children leave. I know it is hard on parents who send their kids off to college and such, you know the “empty nest” syndrome. This is something so entirely different. After years of struggle and worry and trying to stop the train wreck, when it is obvious that is not working and there is no alternative, showing them the door is hard. What else can one do? Their destructive choices spill over into every aspect of our lives. It is almost as if they are goading the inevitable consequence. My two got more and more brazen in the chaos. I was more and more sucked in to what I call the swirly whirly of desperately trying to make some sense out of the senselessness of it all. When I enforced the decision that they had to leave, it felt like I had been spit out by a tornado, dazed and confused, angry, bruised, sad and worried.
It takes time to heal. It takes work to begin to rise out of those ashes.
When I first came here to post, we had cycled through many years of trying to help our two. Each time we took them back in, there were hopes of change. They would make a go of it for a few days, then the behaviors would start up again and more of the same old, same old.
I was miserable, the peace in my home......wasn’t. I didn’t want to be home.
Looking back at all of those years, the futile attempts to try to get my two on a straight path, it wasn’t working.
They just got worse.
We had every good intention to help, but what happened in providing a roof over their heads and food, a place for their belongings, just enabled them to use all of their funds to party and delve deeper into drug use. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now.
Making them leave is hard, but it is
pushing them towards recovery.
In the same light, we need to work at our own recovery. Before that is the recognition that we have been in a battle and need rest and relaxation. Seriously. PTSD. It runs rampant with parents in our situation.
I did look up some support groups yesterday and will be calling Monday. Thank you for your encouraging words.
I am glad you will seek help. I did. Face to face with someone who understands and supports you is good. Releasing all of the pent up emotions is healing.
My husband is ex military and it appears that this is not affecting him like it is me. It's just different between a mother and her children.
Men are different. I think those emotions are there, but they have been taught to “man up”. My hubs was not a talker. He was stoic. In the long run, I had to be the tough one and put my foot down. Say enough. Done. But I wasn’t done
feeling it. It was dizzying and all consuming. That’s when I knew I had to get help.
The bond of love is everlasting no matter what the situation is.
It is everlasting .We will always love our children. We want the best for them.
They have got to want that for themselves.
When they stay in our homes, drug and party, steal from us, damage property, it’s akin to a
giant adult tantrum. They feel entitled to do what they want, when they want without thought or consideration Or appreciation for their family.
We said no to them when they were little and tried to force us to cave to unreasonable wants.
I started to frame my twos actions that way. They wanted to live in my home and do whatever they pleased.
That is unacceptable behavior.
I love them.
But love says no.
Love stands firm, sets boundaries, teaches self discipline and self control. Love is a two way street, reciprocated with respect and appreciation.
None of that was happening with my two at home. They were manipulative, emotionally abusive.
I don’t deserve to have that in my home, none of us do.
What other recourse is there?
When I feel weak, I borrow strength from my Dad, my Mom. There is no way in heck they would put up with the nonsense. “If you don’t like my rules, there is the door.”
Boom.
My heart is in pieces, but with the help of this site, therapy and God.......I will survive
You will survive. Start slowly with little things, one day at a time. When hubs passed, the grief ran over me like a freight train, each car packed with emotion and memories.
Some days, I couldn’t even get out of bed.
This is grief, Heavy hearted, and it is essential to feel what you need to feel to process it all.
Right now, I feel like if I do anything else for him.....the manipulation will start all over again.
It probably will. Addiction is clever. It grabs a hold on our kids and trickles over to us. I am dumbfounded looking back and thinking of all the craziness we went through.
In the thick of it, it is hard to see straight.
We become ill with despair and heartbreak.
That is a difficult place to make sensible decisions.
I have to get my head straight and he definitely needs the chance to realize how good he had it at home.
This is good you recognize this. Our adult kids are resourceful. We pine away, thinking of all the terrible awful things that may happen, consumed with worry. You raised your son to be self sufficient, I am sure of that.
That was our job as parents.
I know this sounds cruel, but I feel it's best for now
It doesn’t sound cruel, it sounds
right. It sounds like a parent come to their senses. Old fashioned values.
“Honor thy father and thy mother.”
How can our adult children learn, if we allow them to disrespect us and behave indecently?
How can they learn to make better choices, if they run amok in our homes?
It is not cruel to take a break from someone who has treated themselves, their parents
unacceptably.
You are not rejecting your son, you are rejecting his choices, and rightly so.
Do take care my dear. You are a warrior sister.
Do what you need to recuperate.
Try not to let your mind go to all of the awful things that
may happen to your son. It is a part of that swirly whirly of feelings that entangle us.
That is addiction trying to keep its grip on us. I am not an addict, my two are, and I am keenly aware of how their addiction can effect and
infect me and my thought process.
I flipped that switch to repeating to myself that my two are out there finding their way. It may sound silly and pollyannish.
If I ask in faith that God look after them, then
I mustn’t be consumed with worry.
May God watch over our beloveds, and direct them to their true potential.
Prayers for peace of heart and mind.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
