Hello

[200Meters]

The Prisoner Rehabilitation Authority (PRA) called me back. I spoke to the Jerusalem District director for young offenders. He said that they knew Youngest, had visited him in the pokey (as they do every short-time young prisoner) and were rebuffed . Youngest said he was uninterested in their help. Youngest phoned this morning. I told him I had spoken with the PRA and his reply (roughly translated) was: "They're the government. They're sons-of-b!tches." Youngest has a very deep-seated (I would say "pathological" but I am not a mental health professional) distrust and suspicion of established, institutional authority of any kind. Youngest is convinced that only he can help himself and that if the subject is himself, he knows better than anyone. So, the nice PRA gentleman said that they have all sorts of programs (vocational, educational, employment, etc., etc.) that Youngest could benefit from if he is interested but added that if Youngest wants in, he has to be all in, meaning urine tests, joining a group, etc. This is exactly the sort of thing that Youngest turned his back on at that Jerusalem day center last year. I told the nice PRA gentleman that hopefully, we would be speaking again soon but Mrs. 200Meters & I are not holding our breath.

Copabanana, while the fact that both Youngest and Oldest are adopted is (always) part of their general mix, I don't know that it is directly at fault, or to blame, here. Youngest once told us that he has no desire to meet his biological father (an Israeli citizen; his biological mother was a foreign national in Israel illegally, she left the country after agreeing to place Youngest for adoption; all domestic adoptions in Israel are public and closed). Youngest said: "He can go jump off a roof. You're my parents." But he is sensitive about it. Part of why he went so livid the night he cut off his ankle thinggie and ran away, breaking house arrest, was that a friend of his ex-girlfriend called him "adopted" in a very pejorative way. For Oldest, being adopted was more of an issue growing up. But his and Youngest's current problems are much bigger and deeper than their being adopted.

Our challenge is to NOT fall into a spiritual abyss.

I don't feel myself falling into a spiritual abyss. For me it's more of a personal malaise. G-d lets me breathe, and I have been married for 31+ years to the most amazing woman on the planet, I cannot complain. G-d doesn't owe me anything.

We have all done our best.

What sucks is that our best apparently hasn't been good enough vis-a-vis our children.

At some point they have to figure it out for themselves

Yup.

In the meantime we as much as possible have to live our own lives.

And hopefully not watch our children go splat.[/quote]

 

[BusynMember1]

Ugh. My daughter is adopted and brought it up until she broke contact. She truthfully was born with a big, loud personality and learning struggles. The rest of us are quiet spoken, academic and athletic and Kay alternately mocked our strengths and differences and shouted that we didn't love her because she was not "up to snuff" compared to the rest of us. I have come to greatly respect nature over nurture. I believe it makes adopting a child a difficult task. Many of them are just not compatible with their often higher achieving families. So how do we change DNA differences? We tried. And tried. And tried again.

I think adoption triggers many kids but then, yes, other stuff crowds in there with it and it all blows up.

I am sorry, 200 meters. These kids are hard.

 

[Beta]

What sucks is that our best apparently hasn't been good enough vis-a-vis our children.

.
Yes, 200Meters, that fact is galling and very painful to know. I'm sorry.

 

[200Meters]

Just to keep y'all updated...

We actually don't know if Youngest is going to be released tomorrow or not. The Jerusalem District Court knocked his sentence down to eight months but didn't set a specific release date in its decision. Eight months from when he was sentenced minus some of the time he was in remand (not house arrest) is actually some time this June. In order to reduce [over]crowding in the prisons, the Israel Prison Service will, from time to time, release non-violent, non-sexual, non-security/political short timers early, in batches. That would have been tomorrow but our friend Corona has thrown a monkey wrench into the works, meaning we have no idea when Youngest will actually be released.

Given Youngest's conduct, that might just not be until June. He apparently cursed the commander of his wing, again, and also caused a disturbance (I'm trying my best to translate a pair of Hebrew words I was told by an officer at the prison) which led to his being bound to his bed for about 3 hours and then placed in solitary for a spell. One might think that since he is on short time, he would grit his teeth and bear any perceived injustice or slight on the part of the guards and wait patiently until he is released. But that would require foresight, some critical thinking, etc. which have never been Youngest's strong points, to put it mildly. If there is something he wants to, or feels he must, get off his chest, he will get it off his chest in as direct a manner as possible even if it is to his short- or even long-term detriment.

I will keep everyone posted.

Isn't this fun? (Not)

 

[Triedntrue]

I hate to say this but for your sake if he is acting out like that maybe he needs to stay till june.

 

[Kalahou]

Hello 200Meters,
I have been following along the past months. I must say I appreciate and am inspired by the way you have been reporting your situation is a very realistic, rational yet seemingly unemotional manner, even showing how you can see some things in a humorous light. (I am not dismissing, however, that surely like all of us, you have the deep pain, despair, sense of loss overtakes you at times.) I also enjoy the quotes you shared on your profile page.

You have not said much about how Ms. 200Meters is taking it all. I am certain that your strength and support and understanding about the situation is a comfort and relief to her. It appears you are taking the lead in keeping the home front stable, secure for Ms200 and strong. (I presume in Israeli culture, is this the traditional way, for the husband to take this lead role (?) It is comforting to see this, as for myself, I sorely lack in this type of support from my spouse, my difficult son’s father ~~ As such, feeling very alone, overwhelmed, as so many others here. I am encouraged for Ms. 200M that you have a side of you that projects as a stalwart tower. We all are learning a lot from your input to this safe site.

While I have not posted of my own son’s situation for a long time, I am here at the forum day by day, trying to get built up, encouraged, strong enough to take each day at a time. I have not posted of my own situation for a long time, as there has not been much very good to report on my son’s situation. Although for myself … I am letting go, continue detachment, grow in understanding and acceptance of loss. I am trying to grow in a type of love for who my son is, for who he has chosen to be and for what he sees as his purpose ~~ regardless of my own confusion, chagrin at his criminal behavior, my need to detach, to distance myself in order to survive in health and peace.

I’m about 2 decades ahead of you in age and age of difficult son. I have already learned I can not change another person, and have accepted loss forever many times in many situations over the last half century plus. I have realized things do not get better, that they just change as we change … as is evident in one of your quotes "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Thanks for your sharings, 200M. Shalom. I have been to Israel, Palestine, Jordan a couple times. It is a pleasure to be reminded of the locales you briefly mention periodically in your posts.

I wish all on the forum best Aloha, as we can feel safe here, and share lives and hearts together.
Know through all these troubled days and times that you are going to be alright. Kalahou ...

 

[200Meters]

I hate to say this but for your sake if he is acting out like that maybe he needs to stay till june.

Yup. But it is not up to us. We will just have to wait & be patient.

(I am not dismissing, however, that surely like all of us, you have the deep pain, despair, sense of loss overtakes you at times.)

That is why Mrs. 200Meters & I walk the dawgs. Exercise (for them and us) and pet therapy. I like to walk them on the mostly unpaved security road that goes around our neighborhood, lower down the slope; we're on a long hill. I can let them off the leash there. We will rarely see anyone else there. It's just me, the dawgs (we have 2) and G-d.

I have already learned I can not change another person, and have accepted loss forever many times in many situations over the last half century plus. I have realized things do not get better, that they just change as we change … as is evident in one of your quotes "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Having to accept loss in our situation sucks. It feels like surrendering, like knuckling under. But I suppose that one sign of maturity, or rationality, or both, is knowing when you're whipped. Only fools and fanatics pick fights they know they can't win.

Know through all these troubled days and times that you are going to be alright.

Thank you.

 

[Beta]

If there is something he wants to, or feels he must, get off his chest, he will get it off his chest in as direct a manner as possible even if it is to his short- or even long-term detriment.

Oh boy, do I get that. Ours is just like that. He was on the phone yesterday, trying to get some income tax info he needs, and I heard him getting angrier and angrier, even to the point of swearing at the person he was talking to. And there's no reasoning with him about how that type of behavior affects his likelihood of being helped by someone. So glad you and Mrs.200Meters have your dogs to love on. Once things in our lives settle down, I'm determined to get a dog again.

 

[RN0441]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My son is 17 teen & I had lots of similar problems with him & like your son has not finished school & knows how to work the system, but his luck has run out, he is right now in juvenile detention( not his first time) & his next court dates is March 27th will determine his faith & how much time he will serve. He has many aggravated battery charges, robbery , also got a Felony pushing a officer while resisting arrest etc . We will be asking judge if he can go to a residential program called Teen Challenge, not sure if he will agree . I read here before it’s like grieving a child , cuz we feel like we lost them. I hope your situation gets better & I will be praying for you. I know how you feel, you are not alone.please keep us updated. I wish I could give you some advice, but like you I am here looking for answers & hope. I always wonder where things went wrong , what I could of done differently which makes me more depressed. Just know you are not alone, we are all fighting these battles together

My son completed 13 months of Teen Challenge in Memphis and it saved his life....and ours.

 

[RN0441]

200 Meters

My friend at work had 2 difficult children at the same time and said she and her husband would look at one another and say, did we drop them on their heads or something and not remember??

In all seriousness, I feel the pain of your words. One is truly hard but to see two not living up to their potential is double trouble.

They are both young and there is hope. After our friend Corona goes back into his hole, you really need to cut off your older son financially so they can do it on their own. It is hard to do but maybe you can do it a little at a time.....

I love the picture in my mind of your dogs running without a leash. Ours do that and makes them so happy. They are little so bark at everything so nice when we are able to let them run unleashed.

We are all here with you and one another as we muddle through this thing called life.

 

[200Meters]

Well...

Youngest is still in the clink. He will be spending his second Passover there.

On May 22, I posted:

In order to reduce [over]crowding in the prisons, the Israel Prison Service will, from time to time, release non-violent, non-sexual, non-security/political short timers early, in batches.

Youngest has now warmed to this idea, even though in the time between his projected early release and when he would have been released had he served his (now shortened) 8-month term he would be under a 22:00-06:00 curfew, have to sign in at the local police station from time to time & go to some group. The powers-that-be at the Israel Prison Service will consider his request on April 19. His full term will be some time in June. We will see what happens.

We can't get on Oldest's case about looking for work given that the economy is reeling from our friend Corona. Everything is closed, including all the kinds of places here he might look for work. Israel currently has over 25% unemployment.

 

[Triedntrue]

Coronavirus is doing a number on jobs and economy everywhere making it difficult for our dcs as well as many others. I hope they figure it out soon although i have my doubts that will happen. I am fortunate that mine is still working and so far ok. Our jail released a couple hundred prisoners as well. I hope things work out for you and your sons.

 

[200Meters]

I hope things work out for you and your sons.

Thanks.

There is no news of any note. Youngest is still in the clink. He says that having to be there for the first night of Passover was kind of depressing. He sounded depressed when we spoke to him the following day. I suppose that's good. If he is miserable enough about his predicament maybe that will motivate him in some way to see to it that said predicament does not recur after his impending release, whenever it is. But logic does not apply in Youngestworld.

There is no news about Oldest either. Thanks to Corona, everything here is on hold.

Mrs. 200Meters & I had a very nice seder on the first night of Passover last week. Four cups of wine definitely helped.

 

[200Meters]

Hi all!

Not much news. Youngest will be serving his full, shortened, sentence. He'll be out in about 6 weeks. He is upset at the guards about something and claims he is on a hunger strike. As a great man once said, yeah, right. He asked us to call the prison and communicate some message. Yeah, right. We think, and told him, that he should just suck it up and wait until he is sprung and forget whatever petty effing grievance he has. But he won't and can't. When he cursed at us over the phone this morning, we hung up on him. Short-sighted jerk.

Even if we wanted to roadtrip to see Oldest & his Ladyfriend we couldn't thanks to corona. He claims he has had two job interviews this week. Really? I We don't know. I mean, it's not as if he has lied to us before.

If we can go back to work next week (rumors to that effect are flying thick), then maybe we'll drive up to see them.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi 200Meters:

It sounds like everything in your life with your kids is: Hurry up and wait. Which seems to be typifying how most of us are living now. I am happy for you and Mrs. that you continue to find joy where you can.

Your sons are stewing in their own juices, as is true for all of us, until we decide we want to cook life by another method.

I am sad for my own son too, who texted me he is thrilled because he learned that his Social Security Disability payments would be increased for life by virtue of the Coronavirus subsidy. (I'm shaking my head here, because he said such was confirmed by the Government. I don't know what is worse: That he would have such distorted thinking or that his goals in life are so distorted and small. I guess the reality of my pain is that I have lived in no way like he does and I can't reconcile my life to what has become it's reality, at least as it is with my son. Which I guess is the suffering of most of us here.)

I am always happy to hear your updates. Somehow I don't receive alerts when you post, so I'm glad I stumbled upon these recent posts.

I am sending greetings across the globe. by the way, I have been meditating most mornings (your time, evening) on Zoom with a Rabbi who is in Jerusalem.

 

[200Meters]

I can't reconcile my life to what has become it's reality, at least as it is with my son. Which I guess is the suffering of most of us here.

1) Ouch

2) Yup.

When Mrs. 200Meters and I (coming up on 31.5 amazing years together...Mmmm) first started out with the parenting thing, in no way did we, or could we, envision what has, in fact, happened. My brother's daughters are turning out to be the kind of fine young women that he and our Dad are so rightly proud of. And I look at Oldest's and Youngest's peers, at how they're turning out, and I want to either slink back inside and close the windows or take the dawgs on a long walk in some deserted place.

I just turned 57 last Saturday (on both the civil & Hebrew calendars; the dates coincide every 19 years). I (tenured civil servant) will have to retire in 10 years. How exciting. Apart from my (altogether blessed) marriage (the center of my universe, the one piece of terra firma in my existence), what have I got to show for my life? When I come up with an answer I will let you know.

 

[Copabanana]

Happy Birthday 200Meters! No sarcasm intended.

 

[Beta]

We think, and told him, that he should just suck it up and wait until he is sprung and forget whatever petty effing grievance he has. But he won't and can't. When he cursed at us over the phone this morning, we hung up on him. Short-sighted jerk.

I'm sorry for the frustration this caused. These Difficult Child's of ours often bite their noses to spite their face and there's no telling them differently.

I am sad for my own son too, who texted me he is thrilled because he learned that his Social Security Disability payments would be increased for life by virtue of the Coronavirus subsidy. (I'm shaking my head here, because he said such was confirmed by the Government. I don't know what is worse: That he would have such distorted thinking or that his goals in life are so distorted and small. I guess the reality of my pain is that I have lived in no way like he does and I can't reconcile my life to what has become it's reality, at least as it is with my son. Which I guess is the suffering of most of us here.)

Copa, I get your puzzlement and disgust here--our son, Josh, would rather collect unemployment right now than work. Of course, I have to admit that if he had taken the one job he was offered, instead of turning it down, he would have most likely been furloughed soon after, but still...the whole work ethic thing of "dignity in work" is seemingly lost on him. I said something the other day about our plan to move to my husband's home state to be near his parents, so we can help care for them, and he commented that we should just let the other kids take care of them and not worry about it. I guess when we need help, we probably shouldn't expect any from him.

When Mrs. 200Meters and I (coming up on 31.5 amazing years together...Mmmm) first started out with the parenting thing, in no way did we, or could we, envision what has, in fact, happened. My brother's daughters are turning out to be the kind of fine young women that he and our Dad are so rightly proud of. And I look at Oldest's and Youngest's peers, at how they're turning out, and I want to either slink back inside and close the windows or take the dawgs on a long walk in some deserted place.

Oh my goodness, when I read this, I thought about how many times I have felt that way. I look at people who have excellent adult children, and I think, "What did they do that we didn't? 'Cause it sure seemed like we were doing all the right things." It's such a disappointment. All I ever wanted in life, after a good marriage, was to have children who grew up to be responsible, caring, human beings who love, respect, and honor their parents. Our youngest is pretty good, although he could do better in some things, but Josh is a disappointment, and I too think at times, "What do I have to show for all the love I put into parenting?" I do think, though, that maybe God brought Josh into our lives more for our sake, to change us, than for his sake. We have definitely had to grow in the areas of trust, patience, perseverance, and unconditional love.
So glad you and your wife have one another and are close--that makes a huge difference!

Feeling kind of bummed today, as today was our planned flight to Israel which, thanks to Covid19, has gone by the wayside.

Blessings to all today.

 

[200Meters]

In my last post, almost 3.5 years ago, I posted:

"I just turned 57 last Saturday (on both the civil & Hebrew calendars; the dates coincide every 19 years). I (tenured civil servant) will have to retire in 10 years. How exciting. Apart from my (altogether blessed) marriage (the center of my universe, the one piece of terra firma in my existence), what have I got to show for my life? When I come up with an answer I will let you know."

I'm now 60 and will have to retire in 7 years.

My altogether blessed marriage is still the center of my universe and the one piece of true terra firma in my existence.

Do I have anything to show for my life at this point?

Well, I am writing a novel (a historical mystery spanning seven centuries). I have 38,000 words so far and would like to finish it by the time I retire (see above).

We are a one-dawg family. We had to put down Eldest Hound in the spring of 2021; she was then 16. We buried her in our 'burb's unofficial pet cemetery (in a wooded area) and visit her not nearly as often as we should.

My wife and I saw "Oppenheimer" last week. It was excellent.

So…

Da Boyz.

Youngest son did his time & earlier this year completed a court-imposed stint of community service (in a Jerusalem soup kitchen) and is now working at an area restaurant together with friends of his & together with his ladyfriend. He and ladyfriend are living with us. I was initially suspicious but it is actually working out rather well. His ladyfriend is a good, stabilizing influence on him. Youngest is showing signs of becoming housetrained, which is a good and necessary thing for any man in a relationship with a woman. My wife & I like Younger son's ladyfriend. We seem to be clicking. They talk about getting engaged and eventually getting married, but all in good time. Younger still has accumulated fines, that are accumulating interest and late penalties, that he is dealing with by not dealing with, but that is his problem. Also his problem are the one or two odd court cases he still has outstanding but the state doesn't seem to be treating them with any real urgency (deferments and continuances) so we are certainly not losing sleep over them. Younger Son is a big boy now. While he does have his issues (see above), he seems to be in a positive place.

About Older Son, I am less positive. Despite being several years older, he is not as mature as his younger brother. He is listless and does not have much drive to improve his lot in life. He is still living with the same Ladyfriend (who has lost a fortune of weight) and their relationship is still running in place, as it seems to have been doing almost since it started.

We pay their rent and utilities and, like her family, help them out with groceries. He worked for 1.5 years at a local supermarket but when the owners hired a new manager, he and the new manager did not get along (we heard from neutral sources that she didn't seem to get along with anybody; the owners have since sold the supermarket) and he has not had steady work for a while now. (This is where the listlessness & lack of drive come in.)

He has talked about starting a small business, a kiosk of some kind where they could sell cigarettes, soft drinks, some hard drinks, snacks, candy, etc. We paid for him & his ladyfriend to do a[n Israeli] Small Business Administration course on the basics of running a small business. It was 14 meetings. You could miss two. They missed four. (We found about this when they asked me to inquire about getting their certificates, which make them eligible for one-on-one counselling and to apply for a state-guaranteed startup loan). Apparently, Older Son's girlfriend wheedled the SBA into allowing them to sit in on a Zoom course (they went to – or not – an in-person course) and complete their requirements. I want to see this actually happen first.

We spent the Sabbath (Friday evening & yesterday; my wife and I are orthodox Jews, remember?) with Older Son and Ladyfriend. We have spoken with him but not got very far. We actually had a very pleasant time with them; we played a lot of Rummikub.

Based on his experiences, he equates working for someone else with being disparaged & humiliated but doesn't want to realize that assuming everything goes peachy that it will be a while before he & Ladyfriend could have a kiosk up and running and that it will be very hard work.

Their current lease is up in 3 weeks and they have as yet no replacement.

We can't see them out on the street but neither can we afford to subsidize them ad infinitum, nor is it the right thing to do, I don't think.

As far as Older Son is concerned, I still feel like I am treading water at the 200 meter mark (see my first post). For Younger Son, I think e have risen to 150 feet.

(One more thing, please. Anyone who wants to ask me anything about geopolitics and anything related to Israel and how Netanyahu and his gang of incompetent fanatics and assorted rear-end kissers are ruining the country, should please ask me privately.)

Any and all advice and comment will be welcomed.

Please forgive me for falling off the grid for so long.

 

[200Meters]

Postscript...

Our holydays are coming up. I came across this take, by two local artists, of a classic Leonard Cohen song (which is based on this Jewish prayer). The line "Who by very slow decay" is haunting me.

200Meters