Help...family dispute re MI child

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Nomad,

What did your son say when you told him?

I wouldn’t go any farther with this, myself. The instrument is valuable, but not as valuable as your relationships with your son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids.

I would let your son decide whether to tell his wife or approach the boy’s family.

I would either put away valuables and lock rooms up in the future (knowing that this could happen again no matter how careful you are) or have less gatherings at your home that this family will be attending.

Maybe assign your son as informal caretaker/second set of eyes on this child if he is agreeable.

It’s a tough spot to be in.

I was at a gathering last month with a serveral relatives, and I resolved to keep my eyes on the kids at all times, as I didn’t feel the parents (one particular set) were supervising their young children (they have five) around the nearby lake.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I agree with Apple and SWOT. With all of this:
I would let your son decide whether to tell his wife or approach the boy’s family.
I wouldn’t go any farther with this, myself.
I would either put away valuables and lock rooms up in the future
or have less gatherings at your home that this family will be attending.
Sometimes the quickest, most direct and best way to handle a problem is to go directly through it. You have committed yourself to one more event with this family and to preserve family harmony it seems like the best way to deal with it, is to fulfil the commitment, at the same time, preserving your home and your family.

By doing this, you define as your aim, as your most important result, the preserving of tranquility and confidence within the family. Which is more important than things. It takes a big person to do this.

We have explored all the possible alternatives on this thread and not one other option seems as mature, risk-free, and responsible as this one. If you can choose to do this, without resentment, and taking responsibility for the choice, I believe too this might be the best course. But you would have to assume full responsibility for whatever happens. I do not know if I could or would do this, to my discredit.

These people are not your friends but they are centrally important to your daughter in law and son. I don't think their peculiarities bear on the commitment, unless they are unsafe people. And if so, that is another story. I do not think you have any obligation beyond this further event that is scheduled.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
Interesting update

I spoke with my son today and apologized for being abrupt with him. He said he understood.

To my shock...he says he thought about it and totally understands. In fact, he is furious. He is extraordinarily concerned about this child hurting his child and/or being a bad influence on him. He is also concerned about him breaking something. But, the emphasis was on his own son (my grandson). This child has been violent with our grandson.

The tentative thought was my daughter in law will call this relative and tell her. To take the emphasis off her particular son they might say “all the little children have to be supervised much more closely.” Then, my son will pay extra attention to the boy and my husband will as well.
hopefully they (the child’s Own parents) will ...but we can’t count on this (which is infuriating).

Meanwhile, I will lock several rooms up and remove valuables/ breakables as much as possible.

Kinda stinks...but some improvement.

Thoughts?

I’m sickened.

* for privacy reasons, I had a few little things removed from this thread that I wrote.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
Haha. Good! Matter of time before the daughter in law gets tired of this kid beating up her own child and the friendship goes south

One thing I found out is that when I feel kind if icky about something but dont say so usually I hear from someone else that they dont like it either.

Nice!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
This child has been violent with our grandson.
So. This is unfolding better than my wildest dreams. Not that grandson is being hurt. No. But that your truth-telling is modeling for your son and potentially daughter in law to set appropriate and strong boundaries. Because you gave voice to what happened, how it was wrong, and set limits, now son will too, supported by you.

Nothing was swept under the rug. You were prepared to take one for the team, but you spoke your piece first, to your credit. I am so glad for you Nomad.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
one of whom was the five year old nephew who had recently burned down their house.
Whaaaat!?!?
Tell them the event is cancelled.
Brilliant. Why didn't I think of this? Elegant to the extreme. Except Nomad has solved everything with her son. *I cheated and skipped to the end.
If the parents were there I would call them about the incident.
You know, I like this, but I think this would be daughter in law or son's role, not your own. They are the ones with the primary relationship. Assuming that the parents are responsible people, is showing them respect to be accountable. It is also giving them essential information to which they are entitled as parents of their child. To withhold the information deprives the parents of taking responsibility.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
To me having seen too much happen over too little I would let daughter in law handle it. Its her circus/her monkey. It seems as if this relationship is not going to last long. Let them end it

They will.

Maybe next year your son and daughter and law can do the festivities at their house. If they are still speaking to this family. I see a disagreement in my crystal ball.....

Letting this melt away naturally puts the daughter in law in charge. Nobody appreciates ones own child getting the wrong end of a fight. When I was a young mom that would have been it for me. I did not always hold my tongue well and would have told them that their kid had to keep his hands off my kid or they could not play together. I was very sensitive about my children getting picked on, especially repeatedly.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
To me having seen too much happen over too little I would let daughter in law handle it. Its her monkey/her circus. It seems as if this relationship is not going to last long. Let them end it.

They will.

Maybe next year your son and daughter and law can do the festivities at their house. If they are still speaking to this family. I see a disagreement in my crystal ball.....

Letting this melt away naturally puts the daughter in law in charge. Nobody appreciates ones own child getting the wrong end of a fight. When I was a young mom that would have been it for me. I did not always hold my tongue well and would have told them that their kid had to keep his hands off my kid or they could not play together. I was very sensitive about my children getting picked on, especially repeatedly.
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
Meanwhile, I will lock several rooms up and remove valuables/ breakables as much as possible.
yep that's what I would do at this point. The other family may not even be in the picture by the time of the event.
I have a feeling your daughter in law may just feel guilty about this kid, knowing he has had a bad time of it and thinks she can help make his life better. Plus they know his parents are a little "off". If the child has another mishap with their son or in their home they will step away from them.
I am sure if there is another mishap that family won't be informed of future events.
I am glad your son and daughter in law are being so resolvable about the situation.
 
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