Help or Hindrance?

[lovemysons]

Hi all

Well, I think my depression is lifting a bit.
Dear husband and I have come up with a plan.

We are going to offer young difficult child a place to stay. I texted him this morning with the following questions...

Are you willing to stop drinking and drugging?
Are you willing to hand over your whole paycheck?
Are you willing to get on mood stabilizing drugs?
Are you willing to have your life managed for you while you continue to work?

See...I just can't continue to allow young difficult child to be homeless with no end in sight.
Some may view this as "caving" but I see it as giving him one more chance to thrive and survive.

I went a week without talking to son after he threatend suicide again. When I finally spoke with him he told me he was living with 3 guys who he met at a bar not far from work.
I picked him up a week ago from his work, took him to cash his check and to see where he was living. I have to say the whole seen was ugly. Homeless people all over the place in the streets and I just can't handle seeing my son in those situations anymore.

He called yesterday while working and told me that this past weekend one of the guys he was staying with propositioned him! He said he didn't want to go back to their house and that he may get a motel room or stay on the street with another homeless man/friend.
I told him, "Okay. I love you"

At 2am this morning I got a call from my son. I don't know what it was about. Dear husband also got a text from our son saying..."I just wanted to tell you I love you dad."
At 5am I texted him with the questions.

I just can't go on seeing my son living at the bottom.
I hope we will be doing him a huge favor by helping him get started on a better path.
Dear husband will be managing/saving his money. I will help get him on an insurance plan, take him to my psychiatrist, get him on medicine, etc. He will have a soft comfy bed, food and shelter. I will not be scared out of my mind for his safety. We will also be driving him early in the mornings to the train station as he will have quite the commute to work. Of course all of this depends on him accepting our offer. We will give him 8 weeks.

We think we have a good plan in place now...but we shall see.
I just hope my son will accept it. It means living without many freedoms...drinking or drugging. And dear husband is agreeing to all of this so that we can sleep better at night knowing we have done everything in our power to help him...one last time.

I just have to hope and pray my son is "willing". And that we are truly helping him...not hindering.
LMS

 

[BusynMember]

This doesn't normally work, but good luck. If you need one more shot to be sure, be good to yourselves as long as you can afford it. But giving them places to stay does not usually change them one bit. Keep your expectations low. Many have tried this.

They love us A LOT when we offer them things. Not so much when we don't. You may want him to have to prove to you he is going to AA...don't know how you'd do that, but he isn't going to just stop drinking because you gave him a place. He needs help and motivation that comes from within. Of course, he will promise you ANYTHING, but "actions speak louder than words." I would not sign more than month-to-month so you can see how it goes.

Hugs and do what your heart tells you!!!! If t his is something YOU need to do FOR YOU, then do it.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I just can't go on seeing my son living at the bottom.
I hope we will be doing him a huge favor by helping him get started on a better path.

We did something similar for our homeless son at the beginning of this year but we co-signed for an apartment for him. He repaid us by getting arrested for shoplifting and losing his job. We certainly did him a HUGE favor but we didn't help him and I seriously doubt that he appreciates it. We let him come over Sunday night to watch the season premier of Game of Thrones. We bought pizza for dinner, enough for him to take a full pizza home with him. Did he appreciate the food? No, he complained that we got the wrong kind.

I'm not saying that this wont work. This could very well be the time that he turns his life around. At the risk of sounding sarcastic, that Powerball ticket I'm thinking about buying could also be the big winner. Somewhere is right, keep expectations low. Hope for the best but plan for and expect the worst.

Sorry if this is sounding a bit harsh but the reality is that this probably wont work. Then again, its the main thing that keeps us going so here's to hoping! Good luck!

 

[InsaneCdn]

IF it's going to work, it is going to have to be a longer-term initiative. Including the "managing his life and his money" part. Not a couple of months. Maybe a couple of years. If both he and the two of you can live with that and make it work, it could make a difference. But if he isn't prepared to make a long-term commitment, he probably isn't ready for any kind of real help.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I agree with everyone else. Please understand that you are doing this for YOU, not him. What he needs is rehab and that is all I would be offering but that is my opinion due to my experiences. You cannot be that rehab for him no matter how badly you want to be. A lot of us have tried. And now that I know what a real rehab is, I laugh at myself thinking I could do even a quarter of they do. Also, any good rehab is going to have them go medication free for a period of time. You cannot understand any underlying mental health issues with substance abuse in the way. I used to think my daughter needed medications, but she doesn't. She needed help with her addiction and the underlying reasons on WHY she became an addict in the first place - without that, you are what is considered a "dry drunk". Sure, he may not be using, but that won't last forever unless you address why he used in the first place.

I am not saying any of this to be pessimistic or mean, just being honest by my own past experience...(((HUGS)))

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all for your input...

Well, It's full swing ahead in the LMS household!
Young difficult child is now living with us. First night good.
I picked him up at the train station after he replied "Yes" to all of my questions.
He was SO hungry. I had made steak and broccoli...then later rice Pilaf. He ate almost ALL of it. I know this is going to sound silly...but I simply directed him to where the plates and silverware were...I did not "Do for him".
He also showed me where he had fallen on the concrete and skinned up his knee pretty badly. I just pointed out where the medicine cabinet and neosporin was.
See...In the past...I would do EVERYTHING FOR him! I want to allow difficult child to do as much as possible FOR HIMSELF now.

He told me last night that while on the street 2 nights ago he had made a decision to stop drinking...to save his money...to get off the streets.
And then the next morning came my questions through text. I told him God works in mysterious ways.

Even stranger...Young difficult child's work place is literally 4 doors down from Oldest
difficult child's office. The brother's are talking again...nearly everyday young difficult child says. I can't tell you how much this pleases me as they were SO close when they were little guys. Only 2 yrs apart between them. They shared a room and had bunk beds when they were little...they were often in sports together, camps together, etc. Sigh...and then drugs/alcohol together.

Dear husband goes to work out at around 5am most mornings and so husband took son to the train station early this morning. Son's work is clear across the City. It takes at least an hour for him to commute. I will be picking our son up this evening and bringing him back "home".

I can't even begin to tell you the relief I had sleeping last night knowing my son was not out there on the streets. Maybe I am doing this "for me" too. I so hope though that our son will look at this opportunity as a chance to finally improve his situation. I know it does not rest in my hands...it is not up to me...it is up to him.

If you have a good thought to spare or even a prayer for my son...please send up!
Thanks Y'all.
Love,
LMS

 

[Childofmine]

LMS, I so understand giving your son another chance. I did that too, over and over again. Just one more chance.

In my case, it didn't work. That doesn't mean it won't work in your case. God does work in mysterious ways, and we can't know God's own timing.

I hope this is the first step on the way back for him.

Please take the best care of yourself during this time. Get out your toolbox and use those tools, every single day. Are you going to Al-Anon? Now is the best time to start if you aren't. Are you reading recovery books like Boundaries, CoDependent No More, Al-Anon literature? Are you spending time in rest, prayer, meditation, relaxation? Are you making sure that you aren't Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (the infamous HALT)? Are you buying flowers for your kitchen table? Start doing these things and others, that are in your toolbox. Make them a daily practice.

Put yourself at the top of the list, especially while he is there in your home. If you can do that, you are adding the gravy to the potatoes---because your laser-like focus (like all of us) will not be pointed at him.
It will be right where it should be---on you. Doing this creates some space, time, distance for him to step up. If you are "absent" from focusing so much on him, he will have to focus on himself. That is the pathway to responsible adulthood.

Think about that. Stepping back---especially while he is under your own roof---is good for you and it's good for him.

And then, relax into the knowledge that right now, he is under roof. For us and our kids, that is a blessing.

Hoping it goes well. Warm Hugs.

 

[pasajes4]

I will chime in with my prayers that this works for all involved.

 

[lovemyson1]

If HE wants to change and truly quit his addictions then this will be very beneficial. If not, it will just be heart breaking for you and your husband. Also, he may steal from you. It's totally up to your son and his frame of mind. I'm praying that he has a real change of heart! And I totally get it, knowing our child is in a warm cozy bed, healthy environment and managed life by you is a sense of peace. We all want that for our children. So I hope & pray he accepts your offer and won't let you down but you should be prepared for the worst unfortunately. Let us know!! I'm hoping and praying for the best!

 

[pasajes4]

I think that it is not a good sign that he is so willing to go back into the role of a helpless child. Just my opinion and experience.

 

[comatheart]

I completely understand why you did this. It broke my heart to see my beautiful young son standing among the homeless. Picking him up for appointments and dropping him off was the HARDEST thing to do. I could physically feel my heart breaking each time.

I considered foing the same, but i knew my son would go along with it and return empty promises. But the real reason i didnt, was because my counselor helped me to see that i now had a legal responsibility to protect my younger children. If i allowed him back into the home i would be putting them at great risk.

I agree with COM. PLEASE take care of yourself during this time. I will be THRILLED if this works for your son. The odds are certainly not in your favor. I so badly want all of us to eat our words 2 months from now.

HUGE HUGS AND PRAYERS!