He's been kicked out of the shelter

[Lil]

A couple times I emailed "Please go to emergency room". And....then....it hit me. difficult child knew about emergency rooms!

I know, right? I was worried about the scarf. Like he's not perfectly capable of figuring out how to stay warm! A five year old knows to put on more clothes if it's cold out.

I cut up my 21-year-old's spaghetti.

ROFL! You're not Italian, clearly.

Here is my other thought on this piece: Every mom tends to view her children like...like a mom views her children.

I have been wondering since my little epiphany last night, if part of the reason I do this isn't being "mom", but in part because I've been on my own...really, truly on my own, since I was 23. I know some of you had dysfunctional families yourselves...but I totally didn't. My family was close and warm and loving. I was incredibly close to my mom. I loved my dad, but I just adored my mother. When she suddenly died while I was in law school, everything about my life changed. My dad was in his 70's and had been ill for years, so he lived with family and was being taken care of himself. I had always had my parents to fall back on. Oh, I was living on student loans and had an apartment and a small job, but if I needed anything, they were there. Holidays, vacations, I went home...and it was Home; the place I always expected to be able to go. I found out after she died that they had gone into debt loaning my small amounts and helping out...I never knew...they were just there. Suddenly, they weren't.

To this day, 28 years later, I would give almost anything to have one day with my mom. I'm getting teary just writing this.

I think that's how I expected my son to love me. I think that is what I wanted so badly...to be there like my mother was and then to keep being there...like she couldn't be. Does that make sense?

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Lil --- I love your heart! You're such a beautiful soul! Never forget that.... I loved reading your story about your mom and dad. What a wonderful relationship you had together. Thank you for sharing that with me/us.

There were a lot of posts on this thread, so I may (or may not) have the story completely straight here (but I think I do?). Dang.....just when we think it's safe to waltz into difficult child-dom. They really are "all over the place". Can't be easy to be them. However, the point so many miss (except those of us who live it), is that it ain't easy being anyone close to them, either!

Yes, breathe. I have to remind myself of that constantly during "events". You're not alone in this. We all need to remember it at times. Hoping all the best for you, your difficult child, and your situation.

 

[2much2recover]

I think that's how I expected my son to love me. I think that is what I wanted so badly...to be there like my mother was and then to keep being there...like she couldn't be. Does that make sense?

Lil, what a wonderful, loving, sacrificing family you were lucky enough to have been there for you as you aged into adulthood.
Maybe you are trying to re-create that with your son and it is only natural that you would want to share this love and kindness with someone so special to your heart. What you are trying to do is in being a great parent, like you had, it would be great if you were dealing with a child more like yourself. The only thing is add in the DNA of his birth father and who really knows how much of "your experiences" vs "father's experiences" he is behaving on. (DNA MIX)
I know how your heart must ache to not be able to trust enough to be able to "share" these gifts of love with your son because, at least for now, he is unable to accept that from you. It doesn't mean never will, just not right now. Only time will tell how this works out. As far as your difficult child stands, unlike other stories, I think there is a great possibility that he may be suffering from the new term "delayed adolescence." But make no doubt this is not an excuse. In a situation such as this the MOST LOVING thing to do is to allow him to finish the growing up part his own so HE get's to feel the normal feeling of becoming independent. Even that striving for independence is what younger children do to us even as it is known in pop psychology. The last thing you want to do is interfere with this last push towards independence because his own self-esteem and sense of self-reliance are very important factors for him to learn to become a fully functional adult.

I thought long and hard about your situation and something that came into my mind about looking for resources: is there any program where you live that helps to teach life skills for adults? Also remind yourself when he is struggling (and yes when he is mis-behaving) that if he doesn't have any real life skills, the world has to be a scary place for a young person. I feel he pulls his crap so that you will take him back because being out in the world is just to damn scary. That and add in the DNA factor of "I'll do what I want to do" and of course the situation gets difficult for YOU to bare. You have said though, you do believe in him enough to that he can do things like opening a bank account and other easier life skills.

Allow yourself time, again and again to stop, then forgive yourself for wanting to control how the situation turns out, and as you difficult child proceeds on his path to full adulthood on his own terms he just may surprise you.

Without any skills, I hate to say it, but if something happened to you and Jabber, how would your son survive on his own without life skills?

Mantra when you are in full panic and want to control the outcome, either: Breathe, Lil, Breathe, OR Let go and Let God. Love him enough to earn the skills to tackle life. Give him that gift. Let that be the way you love him strongly and with all your heart.

 

[Lil]

Without any skills, I hate to say it, but if something happened to you and Jabber, how would your son survive on his own without life skills?

You know, I think he has those skills. I mean, he's a VERY bright young man. Too bright for his own good in a lot of ways...and the fact is, no one told me how to do things like open bank accounts, etc. I just walked in to a bank, up to a teller, and said, "I need to open a checking account." and it was taken care of. No one told me how to pay a bill, I just wrote a check, stuck it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and put it in the mail. No one told me how to do my taxes. I picked up a EZ form and did it. He's a little younger. He's a little less self-confident. But he's not a child...he can too.

I think I have to come to terms with the fact that my life is never going to be what I expected. Many parts of my life are very close to perfect (Jabber ) and I have to cling to those parts and let the rest go.

I think my thread here on his screw-up and crisis has become a bit of a journey of self-discovery, huh?

Don't expect this to last. LOL

 

[recoveringenabler]

I think I have to come to terms with the fact that my life is never going to be what I expected. Many parts of my life are very close to perfect (Jabber ) and I have to cling to those parts and let the rest go.

Perfectly said Lil. And, yeah, we do forget it all too...............but we have each other to remind us how to continue to let go..........

 

[Jabberwockey]

One thing that probably isn't helping is the relationship I have with my family. Very similar to what Lil had with her parents. Last summer when he had us at our wits end, I called mom and dad and they came running. That's what (and I hate to use this phrase) normal parents do. When their child needs help they give it. At first he thought I had called them to gang up on him but I needed their support. We've told him that if he needs us to call, so he tends to call with every minor little glitch.

I've tried to get him to understand that the reason my parents will come running when I call is that they know I'm at my wits end. They know I've tried everything I can think of to fix the problem.....because they trust me. Our difficult child will call with every minor little problem, I need a ride, I'm hungry, people at the shelter are being mean to me, yada, yada, yada. He hasn't figured out that I won't come running because, at this point, I don't trust him to have tried everything he can think of to fix the problem. Funny thing about this is that he really did have people at the shelter picking on him. Kept calling him a mama's boy because he calls her every time he has a problem. So what does he do after being teased about this??? He calls mom to complain about it!

He's a little younger. He's a little less self-confident. But he's not a child...he can too

Yes he can. We just need to let him! He has to figure out the difference between needs and wants because right now he sees EVERYTHING he wants as a need. Then he needs to figure out how to get them without constantly asking for mom and dad's help.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That's what (and I hate to use this phrase) normal parents do.

No, Jabber...

That is what "normal" parents of "normal" kids do.
Your parents can do that with you, because both sides are relatively typical. (I like that word better than "normal")
And that's exactly the problem we have with our difficult children. They are... typical difficult children.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Your parents can do that with you, because both sides are relatively typical. (I like that word better than "normal")

I like that! I'm gonna have to try to remember to use typical instead of normal. Doesn't sound as condescending or judgmental. And I understand that's what "typical" parents do. Part of what makes it so hard to deal with a difficult child. We all want to be typical parents but doing so will only bring us heartbreak and pain.

 

[Lil]

So, tonight was another night of near chaos. He wanted a blanket and to "talk". Turns out he had left all his clothes etc., at the shelter when he went to the place he's staying, said there hadn't been room. I guess he meant in the car. So I go get him, take him to the shelter to get his stuff, bring him to our house (I'm trying to stop referring to it as "home" when I talk to him, using "our house" instead.) He had the big suitcase and a big bag so I suggested he consolidate and just take his warm clothes and leave the other things here for now and he can get them later when he's more settled. He asked if he could do some laundry this weekend and just kind of hang out one day. I figure that would be acceptable...on a limited basis. Mostly though, he sat and sadly looked at his suitcase and made a few noises about how he has nothing. I simply said, "Well, when you get paid, you can find a place to rent and then you can have stuff."

I must admit to again being worried about that. I doubt his check will be big enough for first and last months rent and utility deposits.

With really no time to lose, he finally is ready to go and can't find his badge for work. He left it at the house he's staying at. I rush (breaking several speed limits) and get him there and to work maybe 1-2 minutes late. He says he was 1/2 hour late last night and the woman wants to fire him. I finally told him, "For heaven's sake you wouldn't be the only person to be fired." Of course, everything is worst case scenario with him...we have that in common. If he gets fired his life is over...he can't stay where he's staying without a job. He'll be on the streets. Blah, blah, blah.

Breathe... In and out.
Why did I quit smoking?
I'm glad I haven't stopped drinking.

 

[dstc_99]

Lil. I love you but seriously. That sounds exhausting for you. He ran you ragged all because he got kicked out of the shelter and didn't plan well.

I worry about you lil. You and Jabber deserve some peace.

 

[BusynMember]

No, Jabber...

That is what "normal" parents of "normal" kids do.
Your parents can do that with you, because both sides are relatively typical. (I like that word better than "normal")
And that's exactly the problem we have with our difficult children. They are... typical difficult children.

This is such a good post, IC.

If my easy child calls me in tears, like she did this year, it is so unusual and rare and she is so self-sufficient that I KNEW SHE WAS REALLY IN TROUBLE!!! Yes, we came running because it is so unusual for her not to be able to handle things herself and she is only eighteen. I would do the same for my thirty year old in Illinois, but she has never asked me to run out. She calls me on the phone and cries to me maybe once a year or even less, but she always resolves it herself. My son is in Missouri.

Sonic, with his autistic spectrum, is a mile from us in his own apartment and he calls a lot but has NEVER asked us to rush over to help him. He always puts it like this: "I kind of need to shop, but it's ok if you can't. I guess I can wait" in a very cheery voice. If I can drive him, I do, or else he takes a cab. I am his payee so I make sure he gets his money. But even though he has a disablity he is quite independent from us and has learned how to use his supports. Would we go if he needed us? In a heartbeat.

37 calls me for every little thing. I enjoy talking to him when he is not in panic mode and being mean. So we talk. And he thinks I give him good advice. But I don't run over there, no matter what. He chose to move far away and I can't always hop a plane and be there for him. It would happen all the time. The more I did it, the more he'd have an emergency and need me just to fly out. He does use his dad, my ex, that way sometimes, but that is not my business. I just know I won't do it and that I don't feel it would be good for him for me to do it even if I could afford it. I am always there for emotional support, unless he is abusive. But money? He has a job. He spends too much. Not my fault. Running to him? By God, he is almost forty. It stopped long ago. And, again, he chose to move far away and now is stuck there because of his son who he has 50% of the time.

I am all about having wonderful golden years with as little chaos and drama as possible. I find that when I pull back from the drama, they find others to dump it on. If ex will do it, more power to him. He is fully retired with a lot of time and money and if he wants to be 37s ATM and savior, I don't care. The funny thng is, 37 is much closer to me and respects me more (shrug). He makes fun of my ex for doing his bidding. I asked ex if he ever talks about ME and he says, "Not really." But he talks to me about his dad all the time. "I'm grateful for all the money he gives me so I have to be nice to him, but he's sure a jerk. He is very hard to deal with and he doesn't GET anything I tell him. When he comes to visist me he doesn't even pay attention to Grandson. He just waches CNN. And Grandson loves him and wants to play with him, but he locks himself in his room. I don't get it. But I have to be nice to him in case I need to get money to go back to court." This is all true. And sad.

Anyhow, I'm signing off.

Very good insight once again to the wise Insane Canadian. At the very least, it sure resonated with ME

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I know I've asked before (or think I have), but has your son ever been evaluated for possible Aspergers? He seems to really lack basic skills that most adults his age just instinctively have and it may not be his fault. However, he can learn them. My autistic son can take care of business, consolidate, get up on time for work, etc. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but it could be an explanation.

Of course, the drugs don't help.

I was a very disorganized young adult and I learned from it. I had to be more diligent about packing, getting my stuff, etc. I lost a lot of valuables in the meatime and my parents did not care or pay for anything I lost nor did my first husband. He derided me. I learned how to be fairly good at remembering my thngs because I had no choice but to learn and I'm glad I did.

Keep your chin up. You and Jabby are doing the best you can in the way you were raised. Your son will learn from his mishaps if you let him. I would not replace the things he loses. I had little common sense at your son's age, but I had to learn to have some...lol. So does he. And he will. But you have to let him learn there are consequences to forgetting his stuff and that he is capable of brainstorming on his own and handling things himself.

Hugs and find peace and harmony today. You both can do this!

 

[2much2recover]

I rush (breaking several speed limits) and get him there and to work maybe 1-2 minutes late. He says he was 1/2 hour late last night and the woman wants to fire him.

This still seems to me as an attitude of "the rules don't apply to me". Sounds like a repeat of excuses of getting enough points to get himself kicked out of the shelter.
Lil, YOU have to be the first one to accept that these things he is doing are NOT excusable. When one starts a new job, promptness is expected so already being late once is certainly alarming to his boss that difficult child is not going to be reliable, which he is already proving by being late a second time (look at it from the boss's eyes 1-2 minutes is still a second "late", especially after he was warned the fist time,) Being a new hire, everything difficult child does or doesn't do on the job, right now, as a new hire, is being evaluated. There are lots of other unemployed people who would like to have his job, even if you don't think so.

I finally told him, "For heaven's sake you wouldn't be the only person to be fired." Of course, everything is worst case scenario with him...we have that in common. If he gets fired his life is over...he can't stay where he's staying without a job. He'll be on the streets. Blah, blah, blah.

For this, unless you and Jabber are ready to take him back, (which is probably his thought process anyway) if he has no job, can't go back to the shelter, the two of you will have no other options but to let him come home. He is still not getting it. What he is doing is different from what you are doing. This is not catastrophizing, for him this is: oh well if I fail, I guess I will get to go home. (whether he is really recognizing this or not)
The things you are hearing from him and rationalizing are the most flimsy excuses. I think both you and Jabber need to become more "drill Sargent" to him and less "rescue". He certainly still has you (not so much Jabber) wrapped around his little pinky. Don't you see it?
Still say he needs a "life Skills" class or mentoring from outside the family. How is his therapy going? Can you find another one that specializes in Behavioral Therapy?

 

[Tanya M]

It's so easy to say "you need to just let him go, it's his life, he needs to figure it our for himself" Yes, these are easy words to say but not always easy to act on. My heart goes out to you. We all know how physically and emotionally draining our difficult child's can be and the stress from it is not good for our health.

I think that's how I expected my son to love me. I think that is what I wanted so badly...to be there like my mother was and then to keep being there...like she couldn't be. Does that make sense?

This makes perfect sense to me. My mother and my adoptive father were the most loving and giving people. When I was going through cancer treatments they moved in with us. My mother took care of all household duties so I could continue to work as that was all I had the energy to do. I also had hoped that my son and I could have had this kind of relationship. I, like my mother am a very loving and giving person but I have learned over the years to temper those qualities so that I am not putting myself in a position of being taken advantage of. The fact is, my son doesn't love me the way I loved my mother. I've had to accept that and I'm ok with it. Took me a while to get there. A quote that was shared with me really helped to clarify.
Expectation minus reality equals disappointment.
I had certain expectations for how I thought my life should be and when things didn't turn out the way I thought they should the disappointment would set in.

There is such a fine line between helping and enabling:
Enabling and helping are two very different things, and should not be confused. If you are "helping" a loved one out of their predicaments, or doing things that they can and should be doing for themselves, you are probably enabling them. As enablers usually act with a warm heart, you should remember that enabling is realistically hurting your loved one and also you.
The key is, things that they can or should be doing for themselves, we as parents should not be doing for our adult difficult child's.

Again, easy to say but not always easy to.

Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[2much2recover]

The fact is, my son doesn't love me the way I loved my mother. I've had to accept that and I'm ok with it. Took me a while to get there. A quote that was shared with me really helped to clarify.
Expectation minus reality equals disappointment.

Sweet, sweet as in really cool!

 

[Jabberwockey]

For this, unless you and Jabber are ready to take him back, (which is probably his thought process anyway) if he has no job, can't go back to the shelter, the two of you will have no other options but to let him come home.

Letting him come home simply isn't an option right now. We've discussed it and just can't see that any good will come from it.

I think both you and Jabber need to become more "drill Sargent" to him and less "rescue".

Hehehe! I will let Lil field this one!

Still say he needs a "life Skills" class or mentoring from outside the family. How is his therapy going?

No idea if there is a life skills class available. His therapist could tell him if there was or not if he was actually still seeing her. He quit seeing her about a month after going to the shelter. Honestly, I think the only reason he even went to see her was to get back on our good side and back in the house. When he realized that wasn't doing it he quit going.

 

[2much2recover]

His therapist could tell him if there was or not if he was actually still seeing her. He quit seeing her about a month after going to the shelter. Honestly, I think the only reason he even went to see her was to get back on our good side and back in the house. When he realized that wasn't doing it he quit going.

An excellent example of manipulation. I hope you both see that. Also, it is telling that he only does what little he can to get what he wants. Hmmm....maybe some manipulation on your part, to require him to attend therapy for anything he does get from the two of you. If he really doesn't care for the therapists personality, keep trying until he finds one he likes to listen to.

 

[Lil]

He ran you ragged all because he got kicked out of the shelter and didn't plan well.

Well, I don't think that was his plan, fwiw. I think he intended to make us feel sorry for him, no doubt. I really didn't mind having him grab some things and giving him a lift. He's still only a little more than 1/2 mile from work at the new house (which is very short term...they've told him they're being evicted) but the opposite direction from the shelter, so it's well over a mile each way and it's cold and he had lots of stuff, so I didn't mind giving a lift. He definitely needed somewhere safe to keep his stuff (clothes) while he's so transient. Heck, he said he had some of the thermal socks I bought stolen at the shelter. I certainly didn't mind giving him a blanket. In fact, I gave him a wool one that had been my moms. I used to carry it in my car in winter when I lived out of town. He seemed genuinely surprised that the id badge was not in his jacket pocket.

The failure, however, comes from simply waiting for the last minute...there was no reason we couldn't have left sooner and then would not have had to rush!

I know I've asked before (or think I have), but has your son ever been evaluated for possible Aspergers?

No. I had my suspicions when he was little and did some research...but he's never been severe enough to warrant any further evaluation. He saw a child psychiatrist for a short time when he was 3-4, but there was no diagnosis of anything that they pointed out to me.

YOU have to be the first one to accept that these things he is doing are NOT excusable. When one starts a new job, promptness is expected so already being late once is certainly alarming to his boss that difficult child is not going to be reliable, which he is already proving by being late a second time (look at it from the boss's eyes 1-2 minutes is still a second "late", especially after he was warned the fist time,) Being a new hire, everything difficult child does or doesn't do on the job, right now, as a new hire, is being evaluated. There are lots of other unemployed people who would like to have his job, even if you don't think so.

Did I make an excuse? Nope. He's to blame. There is simply no reason to EVER be late to a job that starts at 9 p.m.! Set an alarm if you are planning on napping...or do your sleeping earlier! I'm sure there are people who'd like his job. It's a great second job for someone who works days and a good shift for anyone who wants to have a part-time also during days. It's not hard...he's emptying trash cans! Pay isn't much...but he's emptying trash cans! So yeah...if he gets fired, he won't be the first and he'll have to then try to find something else. Maybe he'll finally quit being so darn picky and go to one of the many, many fast food places in town.

For this, unless you and Jabber are ready to take him back, (which is probably his thought process anyway) if he has no job, can't go back to the shelter, the two of you will have no other options but to let him come home.

Why would we have no choice? I don't LIKE the choice, but we have one. He can't try again to be a resident at the shelter for a year, but he can be homeless...truly homeless...and sleep on the street or cold-cot.

Actually, we have a couple other choices...they keep running thru my head but I'm sure Jabber won't like them and really, it's not like I do. But, 1) we could let him come home on an extremely limited basis, say to March, and tell him by March 1 he either has an apt. or he's on the street. We're too far for him to walk to work (especially in this weather) but he could use the car and then we take the keys when we leave for work, thereby only allowing him to have access to the car on the nights he works. That gives him a chance to get some money together and an apartment found. Which he should have done between October 15 or so and now...which just ticks me off no end. Or, 2) we could simply pay the deposits and such on a cheap apartment - not all of it, he'd have to pay part.

The unfortunate fact is, by my math, with the two holidays and the short hours he works (at the moment, the job isn't full-time but will be later when the government is in session) his paycheck will be $300 or less. This isn't good. The absolute cheapest apartment I have seen is about $260, plus utilities. So with application fees, deposit, first month's rent, he'd need about $600.00. Even a full two-week, 80 hour, paycheck would be too little.

Feel free to chime in on this part. (Like I have to ask. lol)

One thing he says that is true...he has few choices. It's his own fault...I get that...but he's got no friends willing to help him. He's got no money to speak of. That's his fault because the purpose of the shelter was to get a job and save up so he could get a place to live. He didn't do that. I get that it's his fault, but it being his fault doesn't change the facts. We've got no family close. It's the dead of winter and he works a graveyard shift. Cold-cotting is fine...but they'll kick him out at 8, meaning he'll get about 4 hours sleep at night. So...not many choices at all.

He certainly still has you (not so much Jabber) wrapped around his little pinky. Don't you see it?

Uh, yeah. I see it. I think maybe not so much that he HAS me...as he hopes he has me. He definitely tries to manipulate. Always has. Seriously, if he really had me...he'd be home.

If you are "helping" a loved one out of their predicaments, or doing things that they can and should be doing for themselves, you are probably enabling them.

This is where I keep falling down on the housing issue. Yes, he's almost 20 and should be doing things on his own. In fact, he CAN do things on his own...kind of. That is to say, IF he had the money! But if you can't afford the deposits on an apartment and electric, how do you get an apartment? Sure, he can pay the rent on a cheap place, but how do you get one in the first place?

Child of Mine...Your son was truly homeless and working. How did he manage to get a place to live? Although I think he had a car, didn't he? That would at least give you a place to sleep if it's not too cold. How did he bathe and get ready for work? How do you function like that?

Feeling a little lost right now.

 

[InsaneCdn]

There are LOTS more options.

For example, he could go to the next town, find a job there, and use the shelter there.
He could set up a tent in your backyard. (yes, that's different than being in the house). And I'd still make him walk. Unless you're living in Alaska, a couple of miles isn't too far to walk even in the winter.

Just saying...

 

[Lil]

Unless you're living in Alaska, a couple of miles isn't too far to walk even in the winter.

Well at 2 a.m. when you are walking 2 1/2 miles and the wind chill is 0 degrees (that's about -18 to the metric-using world) or colder, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter whether you are in Alaska or Missouri.