but she would plop herself on his lap in front of all of us and I kind of thought it was a bit inappropriate. She would hug him tightly like she was marking him as hers.
This is a sign of insecurity I think. Very strange for a woman in her mid 30s. I will sometimes cling to M and I am in my 60s. But I can feel insecure, I do not deny it. Sitting on his lap does sound like behavior of a person who is out of touch with what is appropriate.
Let us hope that they both got what they were looking for, and that they have enough strength and flexibility to parent their children. It sounds, though, that they may not. But what can you do? Not one thing.
Maybe it is because they go to the same church and church is extremely important to Goneboy.
That sounds right, SWOT. Goneboy sounds like somebody to whom appearance is everything. He would resist doing something that appeared incorrect to others. Thus he had to at least go through the motions of behaving appropriately with your Ex. To keep up appearances.
Princess says the young boy with the friendly smile who charmed everyone was not who he is/was. But she doesn't know who he is/was.
SWOT, he may not know either, who he is. He may not want to know and be afraid to know. Afraid of what might be there, that would overwhelm his carefully crafted life, with all of the trappings, of what looks right. And that is just fine for him.
he only talked about his interests and showed her things he did or took her to places where he wanted to go. He never asked about her. He never talked about anyone except himself.
That makes sense, SWOT. He is out of touch even with himself. He only knows himself by what he has crafted, external to himself. As if you know your house because there is a big tree outside, and a flower bed next to the driveway. But you do not want to go inside. Or maybe it is vacant, except a bed and a table. He does not want to know more about himself. Or perhaps not much is there. He is afraid to find out.
It sounds as if this external self he has created is everything to him, because it is EVERYTHING.
If someone fears themselves, they fear knowing anybody else. They cannot know anybody else. They do not want to be touched emotionally. They do not want feelings. To care, most of all.
And I can see why he would want to not know anything at all about Princess. Especially if he had feelings of any sort about her. He would not want to let himself feel anything at all, and be careful not to know anything it all. After all I am sure he never forgets she rejected him. He may feel ashamed and exposed about it, still. Or angry, even.
No. It is all better left tapped down. So nothing can threaten to spill over. Because he knows that he could not deal with it. And maybe nobody else can, either.
His is a sad story, too. He had a chance with you guys, but it seems he could not go further with it than he has. There are birth children, too, like this, you know that.
I am remembering about the son of the woman Psychoanalyst who was my friend. Remember, the friend that liked to be the bearer of bad news. Particularly to me. She had two boys. Her eldest, Andy, would be now 50 or so. Time flies. I knew him first when he was 16.
He was the most outgoing and boisterous and warm young man. A little awkward, but likable. Had trouble finding his way as a young adult. Trying one thing, then another, and another. There is family money.
He knew a girl. It was platonic. The parents wanted to get her married off well. She was high strung and difficult and controlling. He fell into it. And never looked back.
He has never worked since. He is a house husband and his wife is an investment banker. He raised the kids, does the cooking. He is completely controlled by the wife. To the point of having limited his relationship with his mother these last 25 years, because his wife wants him to. His mother can be controlling and intense. But he loved his mother.
I cannot imagine having lived a life like this controlled and circumscribed by the demands and limits of a mate. M wants the best for me. In all ways. He wants the best for my son. He subordinates his needs to the extent that he can and is willing, to further ours. So that our relationship works. So that we all work as a family together.
He is limitless in how much hope he has and his willingness to keep trying, to persevere. And he has no reason what so ever to have hope and faith that the right thing will happen. He has lost nearly all that he ever has had. Hope and faith to him are based upon principle. To do the right thing and to hope for the best.
In that way you and he are alike SWOT. You were not given one thing to ease your way in life, to become a good mother or wife. But you did it with grit and commitment. Based upon your character and your values. Which you, like Cedar, chose as a little girl. With nobody's help at all.
Your husband I know is like M. He may balk at one thing or another but he supports you. He wants what is best for everybody. Not just what makes him comfortable.
I know I sound naive here, but I really do not get people who take the easy way out.
That look for personal security and pleasure, only, and give up on the rest of it. The only way to understand it is weakness like the young man I have described, or fear, like Goneboy. Sorry to moralize.
