Or go to a petting zoo animals always make one feel better.
Hi Li.
My house is a petting zoo.
These things are true about my family, too:
My mum ...played divide and rule with us.
She always favoured my sister yet pitted us against each other.
Except, it was even more twisted. I was the one in the family that was credited with being prettier, smarter, and stronger. My sister was protected, believed and understood by my mother. I was at a disadvantage because I am sensitive and do not play dirty, as does my sister.
Their own Dad also cuts people off very easily.
I do this. When somebody is mean to me or degrades me, as did my Dad, I pick up my tent and leave.
Whenever I see my sister I feel so awful after about myself as she looks down on me too much.
Exactly.
I have decided this year that I love her but don't miss the way she makes me feel.
Too true.
go to a new hairdresser and get them to colour and cut your hair.
I met a young woman who is a hairdresser and very sweet. We hit it off. She does hair at her house or yours.
I will ask her to cut off a foot of my hair to give me a bob that I can put in a pony tail. With that one step, I will gain ground. I am still too fat to get color. And I am not sure whether or not I want to stay gray. I will wait on this.
I think she is a manicurist too. I can visit her every couple of weeks and get one thing or another done. That will get me back in the habit of my grooming.
Li, I went back and read some of your early posts and plan to respond to them as I have time.
I think you have changed considerably. Already.
There is one point I want to make now.
It is not uncommon that a daughter ally with her father in a divorce and turn against the mother.
I have an acquaintance who told me a bit of her story: Her husband left her for her best friend; the best friend's daughter was also her daughter's best friend.
The daughter allied with the father and turned against the mother. In one fell swoop this woman lost her husband, her best friend and her daughter.
It never got better during the daughter's childhood, and eventually the daughter went to live with the father in his new household. The daughter blamed her mother. There are so many cases like this.
I for one also aligned with my Dad to some extent after my parents' divorce, and have to be careful that my sympathies do not immediately go to the man, first, especially when the woman is aggressive or demanding. As my mother could be.
There is something about a weak father and a little girl who feels she needs to protect him. There is the assumption, fair or not, that the mother can take care of herself. And should.
My Mother was very, very powerful. She could be mean. She took care of herself. She did not need me to protect her.
As I write this, I wonder, if the little girl believes that her own needs are secondary and should be suppressed.
I also wonder if a little girl worries that it was her power that damaged the already weak father.
Your daughter was put in a horrible and impossible position by her Dad, who seems to have cared little for others, and willingly sacrificed his own daughter, to further himself.
In some way, your daughter seems to be protecting herself. To the extreme. She must feel responsibility for how things turned out between her parents. That it was her fault on some level. It clearly was not.
Your daughter will respond well I think to clear, direct and simple interaction and communication. As devoid of emotion as you can make it. No drama. No crying. No self-pity. You do not want to trigger her guilt, so that she lashes out. Just the facts.
I need to do this with my son, too. I go on and on and make speeches. I am sure you can tell by my posts. I give away the store, and provide too much information that can be used against me, to manipulate me. These kids lose respect.
She may fear that your pain is her fault, too.
When she sees you upset or fears you may think she did something wrong, she gets unwound. She feels accused. She shuts down.
I felt this way and may still. Except I am replaying this with my own son.
Thank you for the support, Li.
This phase of my life must come to an end. I am ready to leave it. Thank you very much Li for responding to my post. I am glad you are here on the FOO Files.