BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Why wowuld he be allowed to destroy your house? Disabled or not, there is no excuse for bad behavior. He does know right from wrong.
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
- Thread starter BusynMember
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
So I forgot to mention this. The psychiatrist said that even with Medical Conservatorship/Guardianship there is no way to get him to take his medication for his liver. That it is almost unheard of to have the right to control somebody's medical treatment, even if they are at risk of dying.
I must accept then that the only way I can exert any influence upon my son is through direct support and guidance as payee, or by having him live with me or close to me.
I read the thread about the party by the D C at parents' home. I do not think that would be a risk in our case. My son knows nobody here and has as far as I know not brought people here except once about 6 years ago a girlfriend.
I must accept then that the only way I can exert any influence upon my son is through direct support and guidance as payee, or by having him live with me or close to me.
I read the thread about the party by the D C at parents' home. I do not think that would be a risk in our case. My son knows nobody here and has as far as I know not brought people here except once about 6 years ago a girlfriend.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Even if he lives with you you can't force the medications down his throat. But if you see him getting sick, you can call for an ambulance.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
SWOT or anybody, what do you think about my son's staying here in our house watching the animals when we go to the New BIG CITY?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
The thing is here, what if the goal is keeping him alive?
Because it seems as if that is where we are here. His goal would be living in comfort and security to do whatever it is that he wants to do. And mine would be that he survive, at least longer than I do.
Does not sound like much of a level playing field, does it?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
SWOT, his standard of clean and cleanliness is below the consensus of what is acceptable.
He thinks he is doing OK, keeping things orderly and clean. They are not.
That said, he is way better than before, but that is when we are here. When we are not here I do not think the improvement would sustain itself. But then I would have somebody come to the house and check on it, him and the pets, every week or more frequent intervals.
I think he is trying. But for now he is not calling me back. I am beginning to get frantic again.
Thank you, SWOT. I am grateful that you are here. With me.
COPA
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Can you trust him to really do it without getting into trouble? Will he make certain the animals are fed and walked and watched? We tried this just one night with Princess when she did drugs and she let us down by ignoring the dogs and throwing a big drug party.
You know your son best. His past is predictive of his future behavior.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I love this thread. It has helped me immensely. I am happy to be here for you, if it helps (and I hope it does) and am not going anywhere. This stuff is too important.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Thank you, SWOT.
SWOT, I called again the treatment facility and he has been discharged from there. I do not know where he is. Again, I am frantic.
He takes good care of the pets. He loves them. He monitors as well or better than us their food and water. I trust him with the animals. That is absolute.
I do not think he would let people into the house. He has been protective of us (except not from him.) His standards of cleanliness are not anywhere near ours. But if we do it I would close off 2/3 of the house.
The thing is, my son is more important to me than the house. Like five million times. I can forfeit the house.
But there is nothing I can do now. I do not know where he is or where he will go. At all.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Copa, he will resurface soon. Most of the time they disappear after they do something they know we won't approve of, but it doesn't last long.
If he loves the pets perhaps they will be therapeutic for him. Can he work with animals? Vet tech? Something at a zoo?
I love that about him. I tend to be cynical of anyone who doesn't like animals.
Inside your son is a good young man. If you want to give it a try, DO IT. Do what makes YOU feel helpful and good. It may do him a lot of good to have this responsibility.
Copa...stay in the moment. He will contact you. He is very attached to you as you are to him and he is not going anywhere.
Hugs for your hurting mom heart. Text him if you like. Tell him you love him. There are no rules here.
If he loves the pets perhaps they will be therapeutic for him. Can he work with animals? Vet tech? Something at a zoo?
I love that about him. I tend to be cynical of anyone who doesn't like animals.
Inside your son is a good young man. If you want to give it a try, DO IT. Do what makes YOU feel helpful and good. It may do him a lot of good to have this responsibility.
Copa...stay in the moment. He will contact you. He is very attached to you as you are to him and he is not going anywhere.
Hugs for your hurting mom heart. Text him if you like. Tell him you love him. There are no rules here.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
The Department of Rehabilitation which I pushed offered him a volunteer position at the Zoo. He seemed interested momentarily but did not pursue the opportunity. When I do not push him he does not follow through.
I have felt that a good job for him would be to work in the animal shelter. But how does what I want help me? Or him?
As recently as a year and a half ago, he would go to the library and read. I would ask him what he read, and he replied Physics. And I would ask him what he would study if he went back to college, and he said he would study Physics because to him Physics explained everything. Up to a year and a half ago he was living with friends who gave him a stable, secure and safe place to stay. In that environment he was still reading constructive things. I think everything depends upon this for him. Stability and security. And he seems unable to achieve this alone.
When I push him to think about college again (wrong) as alternatives to Physics he comes up with Philosophy, or even Anthropology as a 3rd choice.
The thing is that I think he no longer reads constructive things, and now reads mainly conspiracy theories or the news so that he can fit scary current events into his doomsday scenarios. He is as up to the date on the news as I am, but from this scary point of view he has adopted.
I believe that as long as he feels on the run in the streets or near them and afraid and defensive he will continue with this scary orientation. Because he is scared.
I hope that if he gains security again, he will begin to study and read.
My son is a very good person. Very kind-hearted. Since childhood. That makes all of this so much more difficult and perplexing.
You should see him with our cat. When he talks to her he makes a clicking sound, so as to soothe and intrigue her. I just talk to her in words and sentences and we have conversations, her in her language, me in mine. Each of us feels understood. I do not feel the need to click.
Thank you SWOT for understanding. I do love him and those will be the first words from my mouth when he calls. I do hope he does soon.
Thank you SWOT for being here for me and listening to me about my son. I feel a sense of peace knowing that you are here. I am grateful to you.
COPA
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I will always be here, Copa. You are my friend. I got your PM. When I have the energy (it totally tires me out) I will tell you the story. Right now...I'm pooped!!!
In advance, I'm going to warn you that this may be confusing as I'm tired and brought up two things that really gave me a queasy feeling about my bro. One is how he is with his students, most being minor kids. The other is how he writes about my mother on his FB page. Please bear with me and try to figure it out and do ask questions if you are confused. Ok, here we go with a good ole try...
I kind of have something to get off my chest that is out of the blue, although it has been on my mind. It isn't upsetting to me, yet it is. And I have been thinking about whether to put it here; if it is relevant to FOO issues or not, but since I think about it and wonder if it's as odd as I think it is, I want feedback from my friends. Maybe it's just me. I disliked my mother so much that I can not get it through my skull that my sib 1 (bro) almost wrote love letters to her on FB every occasion one would have to write to a deceased mother...Mothers Day, her death day, her birth day...I thought of posting one here, then thought that was an invasion of privacy. This was way before I did Operation Oblivion and I mentioned it briefly. Along with mentioning that I thought it was odd that my brother had taken a picture with a minor student of his and had it framed and probably has it in his apartment and sent one copy to my dad. He used to talk a bout this boy like he was in love with him. He claims to be straight and I don't really care about sexual orientation. But he did seem to have a big crush on him. My sister thought so too and talking about it even made my mother cry in fear for Golden Child. So he is an odd duck. I'm quite sure nothing inappropriate went on except maybe in my brother's head, but it really disturbed me. That is when I started to pull back from him big time, although I doubt he noticed.
If a teacher had taken a picture of my minor daughter and talked about her the way my brother talked about this boy, I would have been at school and there would have been hello to pay, but the students there do not have educated, aware parents. Some have virtually no parenting at all so one can get away with it more there, I'd think. But onto him and my mother, which I also find extremely odd. Please, please tell me if I am being too hard on my bro. I always t hought he was a nice person. But strange. I don't think about him like I think of Sis. He rarely started trouble for me, although he did listtle to stop Mother from being mean to me. However, a few things about him REALLY bothered me and this kid (and there were other males he had talked to me about that it seemed to me he had crushes on)...I just think being a teacher...you keep your distance. He gets personally involved with them. Remember the apartment incident when I called the police for a well visit for him because when I called his apartment some young boy voices answered and said he didn't live there and I had not known he was in Chicago with my father? And he got so upset. And I was upset too with all the blame I was getting for the party for my dad going bust, but now...I don't care that I got blamed for the party. I just think about...why would he care so much that I did a well check of his apartment? It scared me that they said he didn't live there and that kids were there. But he said he'd given them permission to stay there.
Really????
I am hoping they were at least 18, but that's still plenty odd for a man of 50 to let say 18-20 year olds who sounded high use his place when he's gone. Oh, well. Onto the part about himself and our mother that bothers me and I need your clarity.
I am going to write a fake letter, nothing he really wrote, but something similar and you tell me if you think it is too personal...too intimate for what a son would normally write to his mother on special days. Remember, now, he is in his 50's and she has been gone for ten years and he has never lived with a significant other in his life. I shudder to think that perhaps he loved our mother who loved him so passionately back that nobody else was good enough for him. I find the letters he wrote her on his FB page incestuous in a way, but a bit short of it. This is an example and not his words.
"I need love. And you're not here. So I'm alone. It's been (blah, blah) years and I think about you every day and love you and talk to you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I wish I could spoil you. I feel like you are here, but you're not and that leaves a big empty spot. I love you so much." (This is an example of the short version and I can't remember everything. He did use the word "spoil" in one.)
In which, of course, Sissy pipes in on the page "ME TOO!" but she doesn't write the same excessively sugary stuff he does.
Again, this is not just on her birtday. It is her birthday, Mothers Day, which he calls the saddest day of the year, her death day...I find it creepy, but maybe this is the norm when somebody loves a parent so much because I didn't love her and don't commemorate her special days. So maybe it is me. I would hope my sons would not write this way about me after I'm gone and I'm serious. Once a year a "I love and miss you, Mom" will be sufficient for me, if that. I mean, life goes on.
I am not upset. Remember, Thing 1 will never be in my life again. But as I think about them still, in a faded sort of way, I remember how they called me the crazy one, which doesn't matter. Yay, I'm crazy...lol. No doubt. But I really think they are too, maybe even crazier. And while Mother took her abuse out on me she gave every bit of her heart to Golden Child. I'm sure again nothing sexually inappropriate went on between them. My mother did have her own life. I think. They lived in different states. My brother is just......strange, right? Is it just me? Is that a bit much for a son to write about his mother?
He celebrates my dad too, but not with the same passion. This was all on his FB before I quit checking it.
These things about him always made me queasy. Well, the stuff about the minor boy and other men he seemed to like, although the other ones were not minors. And truly I had no idea he had this worshipful attitude toward my mother.
He writes almost as if she was his wife.
At least I think so. What do YOU think? I did not copy his words, but I did a good job of saying the things he says without exaggerating.
The eerie part is this is the woman who made me the scum of the earth. But she always did worship certain people too. The black/white borderline thing, whether she had borderline or not, that is how she categorized people. All good or all bad. And my brother acts like she is his Goddess.
I will not bring up this issue again because it unsettles me in many ways, but just wanted to check it out with you ladies who post here. I was s hocked when I first read it.
I am do dang glad I basically got left out of this clan when I did. I could have been this sick too. At least, I *think* it's sick.
Feedback anyone?
In advance, I'm going to warn you that this may be confusing as I'm tired and brought up two things that really gave me a queasy feeling about my bro. One is how he is with his students, most being minor kids. The other is how he writes about my mother on his FB page. Please bear with me and try to figure it out and do ask questions if you are confused. Ok, here we go with a good ole try...
I kind of have something to get off my chest that is out of the blue, although it has been on my mind. It isn't upsetting to me, yet it is. And I have been thinking about whether to put it here; if it is relevant to FOO issues or not, but since I think about it and wonder if it's as odd as I think it is, I want feedback from my friends. Maybe it's just me. I disliked my mother so much that I can not get it through my skull that my sib 1 (bro) almost wrote love letters to her on FB every occasion one would have to write to a deceased mother...Mothers Day, her death day, her birth day...I thought of posting one here, then thought that was an invasion of privacy. This was way before I did Operation Oblivion and I mentioned it briefly. Along with mentioning that I thought it was odd that my brother had taken a picture with a minor student of his and had it framed and probably has it in his apartment and sent one copy to my dad. He used to talk a bout this boy like he was in love with him. He claims to be straight and I don't really care about sexual orientation. But he did seem to have a big crush on him. My sister thought so too and talking about it even made my mother cry in fear for Golden Child. So he is an odd duck. I'm quite sure nothing inappropriate went on except maybe in my brother's head, but it really disturbed me. That is when I started to pull back from him big time, although I doubt he noticed.
If a teacher had taken a picture of my minor daughter and talked about her the way my brother talked about this boy, I would have been at school and there would have been hello to pay, but the students there do not have educated, aware parents. Some have virtually no parenting at all so one can get away with it more there, I'd think. But onto him and my mother, which I also find extremely odd. Please, please tell me if I am being too hard on my bro. I always t hought he was a nice person. But strange. I don't think about him like I think of Sis. He rarely started trouble for me, although he did listtle to stop Mother from being mean to me. However, a few things about him REALLY bothered me and this kid (and there were other males he had talked to me about that it seemed to me he had crushes on)...I just think being a teacher...you keep your distance. He gets personally involved with them. Remember the apartment incident when I called the police for a well visit for him because when I called his apartment some young boy voices answered and said he didn't live there and I had not known he was in Chicago with my father? And he got so upset. And I was upset too with all the blame I was getting for the party for my dad going bust, but now...I don't care that I got blamed for the party. I just think about...why would he care so much that I did a well check of his apartment? It scared me that they said he didn't live there and that kids were there. But he said he'd given them permission to stay there.
Really????
I am hoping they were at least 18, but that's still plenty odd for a man of 50 to let say 18-20 year olds who sounded high use his place when he's gone. Oh, well. Onto the part about himself and our mother that bothers me and I need your clarity.
I am going to write a fake letter, nothing he really wrote, but something similar and you tell me if you think it is too personal...too intimate for what a son would normally write to his mother on special days. Remember, now, he is in his 50's and she has been gone for ten years and he has never lived with a significant other in his life. I shudder to think that perhaps he loved our mother who loved him so passionately back that nobody else was good enough for him. I find the letters he wrote her on his FB page incestuous in a way, but a bit short of it. This is an example and not his words.
"I need love. And you're not here. So I'm alone. It's been (blah, blah) years and I think about you every day and love you and talk to you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you. I wish I could spoil you. I feel like you are here, but you're not and that leaves a big empty spot. I love you so much." (This is an example of the short version and I can't remember everything. He did use the word "spoil" in one.)
In which, of course, Sissy pipes in on the page "ME TOO!" but she doesn't write the same excessively sugary stuff he does.
Again, this is not just on her birtday. It is her birthday, Mothers Day, which he calls the saddest day of the year, her death day...I find it creepy, but maybe this is the norm when somebody loves a parent so much because I didn't love her and don't commemorate her special days. So maybe it is me. I would hope my sons would not write this way about me after I'm gone and I'm serious. Once a year a "I love and miss you, Mom" will be sufficient for me, if that. I mean, life goes on.
I am not upset. Remember, Thing 1 will never be in my life again. But as I think about them still, in a faded sort of way, I remember how they called me the crazy one, which doesn't matter. Yay, I'm crazy...lol. No doubt. But I really think they are too, maybe even crazier. And while Mother took her abuse out on me she gave every bit of her heart to Golden Child. I'm sure again nothing sexually inappropriate went on between them. My mother did have her own life. I think. They lived in different states. My brother is just......strange, right? Is it just me? Is that a bit much for a son to write about his mother?
He celebrates my dad too, but not with the same passion. This was all on his FB before I quit checking it.
These things about him always made me queasy. Well, the stuff about the minor boy and other men he seemed to like, although the other ones were not minors. And truly I had no idea he had this worshipful attitude toward my mother.
He writes almost as if she was his wife.
At least I think so. What do YOU think? I did not copy his words, but I did a good job of saying the things he says without exaggerating.
The eerie part is this is the woman who made me the scum of the earth. But she always did worship certain people too. The black/white borderline thing, whether she had borderline or not, that is how she categorized people. All good or all bad. And my brother acts like she is his Goddess.
I will not bring up this issue again because it unsettles me in many ways, but just wanted to check it out with you ladies who post here. I was s hocked when I first read it.
I am do dang glad I basically got left out of this clan when I did. I could have been this sick too. At least, I *think* it's sick.
Feedback anyone?
Last edited:
Hey Copa, sorry I haven't been around to answer your posts. I went to my sons house to drop something off and got delayed... I do hope your son calls very soon. I agree that he will call. My son and I are very close but unfortunately I am not his top priority. Sometimes more like an afterthought but I do get my turn. It does hurt sometimes that he is much more important to me than than I am to him but that is how it should be I guess.
After you do hear from your son, is there any way you can talk with him in person? I would just try telling him what you are thinking about regarding him staying at your house and taking care of the animals and what you would expect/hope that he do. Like take his medications, go back to school or get a job or whatever your expectations would be. It just seems for me, our "talks" go better in person but it might be different for you and your son.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Copa. Please keep us posted.
After you do hear from your son, is there any way you can talk with him in person? I would just try telling him what you are thinking about regarding him staying at your house and taking care of the animals and what you would expect/hope that he do. Like take his medications, go back to school or get a job or whatever your expectations would be. It just seems for me, our "talks" go better in person but it might be different for you and your son.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Copa. Please keep us posted.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
It is not a question of being hard on him, SWOT. It is more like YUCK. I agree with Belle/AUP, that it could be what they call a reaction formation. He could be unconsciously extremely angry and hostile to your dead mother, and hiding it from himself and others through the appearance of excessive, syrupy love.
Very, very foolhardy. Very risky. Very sad. Very odd. It sounds like you are the together and strong one, of the bunch, SWOT. I would try hard to not think of this at all. Because how could it not be troubling? Worst case, there may be children involved. Best case, your brother is a sad person flirting with inappropriate relationships.
The thing is you do not know how important you are to him, really. They hide it. Especially from themselves.
Yes, I will sure try. I have no idea where he is. He has gone between 3 counties over the past 8 months or so. He only comes to my county when there is no alternative in the other two.
The consensus is that I will hear from him soon. I hope so. Thank you for your support, everybody.
COPA
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I am sure my brother loved my mother. I'm not sure in what way.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I want to try something out on you. I have been thinking since an afternoon post by SWOT about my son's kindness to animals, and how she responded favorably to him and felt that kindness to animals was a sign of a decent person.
And then later on I worked hard on a post to Lioness on another thread, that got erased by accident. The gist of the erased post was that when my son became hostile to me in his teens I plummeted into FOO madness, basically a riff on Cedar's posts on the same thread.
And I described to Lioness that my relationship with my son had until that time been highly satisfying to both of us, and the last thing I had anticipated would his rejection; that I became enraged that he was treating as he came to. I described the horrible situation that I had become helpless in my own home, because my conception of motherhood at least how I wanted and needed to do it was one that consisted of kindness and devotion and nurturing and pretty things like that. Certainly not unhinged rage. Coming from the background I did I had nothing in me to fall back on in the sense of legitimate authority. So all there was with outrage and a sense of injustice that I was being treated as I was. And you all know how well that must of worked. And so I descended into FOO-madness.
As I became unhinged and completely impotent in my own home, descending into FOO-dom and despair, my son had become at once my oppressor and as if a motherless adult child. Because his real Mother me was no longer present. She was submerged.
While I may be exaggerating somewhat I am here to tell you there is some truth in this.
Now I am not taking 100 percent of the blame or responsibility, I am only taking my share.
And what I shared in the lost post to Lioness, was that I was finding a voice of authority with my son. That while this stronger and me-centered voice was still fragile and inconsistent I knew it was there. And that while I could become angry at my son, it was a specific and fleeting anger not the enveloping, disabling anger of before, where it felt and seemed as if I had in fact been taken over by what in Yiddish is called a Dybbuk ( the translation would likely be demon I think). Which is to say that I had climbed or was climbing out of FOO to once again become myself vis a vis my own son. And I think I also said in that post that I had found my way back to acting from my love for my son, which might be a little bit of a white lie.
And this most incredible and stunning idea has just flown into my head : My son is an extraordinary person. He is kind. He is sweet. He has stature. He has good character. (We must put aside here the fact that he lies, and seems to not want to or be able to work or study or otherwise grab hold of or sustain a meaningful goal; and of course, there are the conspiracy theories.) But I am not here in the middle of the night to tell you what you already know. Because my complaints of him have already carried the day.)
I will not heap on blame to myself, but I have for a number of years in a sense deserted this person I know to be good, because I felt at the time that he was not as I wanted him or needed him to be. It is not that I needed him to be this or that, or not-this or that. I needed him to act like he loved me. I needed him to reassure me that I had not failed. And nobody needs to tell me that it was not his responsibility to do that or could he.
But because I am who I am, I lacked the capacity to hold onto that conviction myself. I could not bear it when he did not seem to love me enough to show me that I was OK or more importantly treat me as such. And I know that was wrong.
I know that a sudden decision to look from eyes of love will not automatically eliminate that which has troubled me. It still exists and will exist.
Beginning 4 years ago or more, I began to force my son to take greater responsibility for himself. He could not do it. Instead of recognizing this, I continued to insist he do something that he might not have had the where with all to easily do without support. Some of the behaviors he chose were defensive from having to live in hostile circumstances, and because he may have lacked the personal resources to make better choices.
What I am willing to accept is that my behavior (FOO related) did not help. I think I fell into being angry with my son, due to fear, and a sense that I had failed him, when I had not. I blamed myself because that is what I have done and I still do. But less and less.
I think also I did not know what to do. I listened to other people who with their confidence seemed to know. It seems I had lost any semblance of confidence in myself as a mother.
I am not saying that my son did not learn important things these last four years. He needed to develop the incentive to back down some, and to meet me part way. He needed to learn that the world can be cruel. He needed to learn gratitude when it is not. He needed to learn the consequence of not taking responsibility, and the consequences of mistreating others.
But he needs his mother to love him and treat him with love. And for the first time in a long time I am feeling that my son is a wonderful person and that he can be. I am seeing the glass half full and not empty.
And I think this might be an important insight. Actually more than an insight because I think there might be a chance that I may be able to act towards him from this place, instead of the desperate and frightened FOO-self that I have been. And this was what I was trying to tell Lioness in the post of a couple of days ago, that there existed in her this choice. The problem was I had erred because I needed to first tell myself.
I do not know what I should do with this or should do. Nor can I do anything much because he has not called me and I do not know where he is.
And then later on I worked hard on a post to Lioness on another thread, that got erased by accident. The gist of the erased post was that when my son became hostile to me in his teens I plummeted into FOO madness, basically a riff on Cedar's posts on the same thread.
And I described to Lioness that my relationship with my son had until that time been highly satisfying to both of us, and the last thing I had anticipated would his rejection; that I became enraged that he was treating as he came to. I described the horrible situation that I had become helpless in my own home, because my conception of motherhood at least how I wanted and needed to do it was one that consisted of kindness and devotion and nurturing and pretty things like that. Certainly not unhinged rage. Coming from the background I did I had nothing in me to fall back on in the sense of legitimate authority. So all there was with outrage and a sense of injustice that I was being treated as I was. And you all know how well that must of worked. And so I descended into FOO-madness.
As I became unhinged and completely impotent in my own home, descending into FOO-dom and despair, my son had become at once my oppressor and as if a motherless adult child. Because his real Mother me was no longer present. She was submerged.
While I may be exaggerating somewhat I am here to tell you there is some truth in this.
Now I am not taking 100 percent of the blame or responsibility, I am only taking my share.
And what I shared in the lost post to Lioness, was that I was finding a voice of authority with my son. That while this stronger and me-centered voice was still fragile and inconsistent I knew it was there. And that while I could become angry at my son, it was a specific and fleeting anger not the enveloping, disabling anger of before, where it felt and seemed as if I had in fact been taken over by what in Yiddish is called a Dybbuk ( the translation would likely be demon I think). Which is to say that I had climbed or was climbing out of FOO to once again become myself vis a vis my own son. And I think I also said in that post that I had found my way back to acting from my love for my son, which might be a little bit of a white lie.
And this most incredible and stunning idea has just flown into my head : My son is an extraordinary person. He is kind. He is sweet. He has stature. He has good character. (We must put aside here the fact that he lies, and seems to not want to or be able to work or study or otherwise grab hold of or sustain a meaningful goal; and of course, there are the conspiracy theories.) But I am not here in the middle of the night to tell you what you already know. Because my complaints of him have already carried the day.)
I will not heap on blame to myself, but I have for a number of years in a sense deserted this person I know to be good, because I felt at the time that he was not as I wanted him or needed him to be. It is not that I needed him to be this or that, or not-this or that. I needed him to act like he loved me. I needed him to reassure me that I had not failed. And nobody needs to tell me that it was not his responsibility to do that or could he.
But because I am who I am, I lacked the capacity to hold onto that conviction myself. I could not bear it when he did not seem to love me enough to show me that I was OK or more importantly treat me as such. And I know that was wrong.
I know that a sudden decision to look from eyes of love will not automatically eliminate that which has troubled me. It still exists and will exist.
Beginning 4 years ago or more, I began to force my son to take greater responsibility for himself. He could not do it. Instead of recognizing this, I continued to insist he do something that he might not have had the where with all to easily do without support. Some of the behaviors he chose were defensive from having to live in hostile circumstances, and because he may have lacked the personal resources to make better choices.
What I am willing to accept is that my behavior (FOO related) did not help. I think I fell into being angry with my son, due to fear, and a sense that I had failed him, when I had not. I blamed myself because that is what I have done and I still do. But less and less.
I think also I did not know what to do. I listened to other people who with their confidence seemed to know. It seems I had lost any semblance of confidence in myself as a mother.
I am not saying that my son did not learn important things these last four years. He needed to develop the incentive to back down some, and to meet me part way. He needed to learn that the world can be cruel. He needed to learn gratitude when it is not. He needed to learn the consequence of not taking responsibility, and the consequences of mistreating others.
But he needs his mother to love him and treat him with love. And for the first time in a long time I am feeling that my son is a wonderful person and that he can be. I am seeing the glass half full and not empty.
And I think this might be an important insight. Actually more than an insight because I think there might be a chance that I may be able to act towards him from this place, instead of the desperate and frightened FOO-self that I have been. And this was what I was trying to tell Lioness in the post of a couple of days ago, that there existed in her this choice. The problem was I had erred because I needed to first tell myself.
I do not know what I should do with this or should do. Nor can I do anything much because he has not called me and I do not know where he is.
Hey Copa, I am up too...I think this too is something you can talk to him aboutwhen you do catch up with him. I am on more than one occasion, said something like "I am far from a perfect mother. I have made mistakes that I wish I could go back and change. I love you more than life and tried to do the best I could at the time. I hope you understand and forgive me if I have done anything to make you feel like I didn't love you. I want us to be able to talk to one another about what is going on in your life and mine too". I think something along those lines might work. You don't have to give specifics. I gotta go for now, Copa. I am fallible asleep. Get some sleep.God bless.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
He never had any reason to be mad at her as she was at his beck and call and he loved it. I think she may have ruined him for otherSOs. They were too close. When he was akid, and sick with Crohns (and not minimizing Crohns) they would lie on her bed together watching TV in a way t hat made me and sister kind of shake our heads. He'd be in his underwear and she'd be half dressed in bathrobe, but nothing showed, like her boobs...lol. I think he was in love with his mother. His letters to her sound as if he lost a lover.
And with that icky vent over, I will move on to a more pleasant subject. They don't matter anymore. Just needed to do that one vent and I'm sure it was a big ick for everybody. But he didn't hate her in any way. More t he opposite and too much. Maybe romantic. PROBABY romantic and HE doesn't even realize it. Just like the sixteen year old boy student he talked about nonstop and in a way a girlfriend raves about a boyfriend.I have no doubt he loved that kid romantically, although again I doubt he touched him. He has never had normal romantic relationships and Sis and I used to wonder about it, when we were speaking.
Again ick. New topic, please, SWOT.
Ok, folks, I'll move on.
And with that icky vent over, I will move on to a more pleasant subject. They don't matter anymore. Just needed to do that one vent and I'm sure it was a big ick for everybody. But he didn't hate her in any way. More t he opposite and too much. Maybe romantic. PROBABY romantic and HE doesn't even realize it. Just like the sixteen year old boy student he talked about nonstop and in a way a girlfriend raves about a boyfriend.I have no doubt he loved that kid romantically, although again I doubt he touched him. He has never had normal romantic relationships and Sis and I used to wonder about it, when we were speaking.
Again ick. New topic, please, SWOT.
Ok, folks, I'll move on.
Last edited:
