Homeless 46 year old daughter and a son in jail

[Weary Mother]

Hello everyone,

I am posting a new thread and since I am new to this am not sure if this is how or not, I am following the help of others on this site to do so.

My 46 year old daughter who recently became homeless (she actually has technically been homeless for a while but living with this one and that one) has turned a corner. She has a job, small though it may be and after several weeks of her snotty attitude and feeling sorry for herself, has turned a corner. I have sent below the text she sent me last night. This is the first sign that she may at least temporarily have begun to heal. I am trying not to be pessimistic and think that the other shoe may drop and am taking this as a blessing, for now.

she says:
I am really liking life at the moment. Feeling Better, working, no drama. Figuring things out. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have done and I am very sorry that I was so into my own mess that I have disrespected you. I love you Mom

So, thanks everyone here for helping keep ME on track, which is all I can do. Letting her figure things out and make the effort to improve her own life is hard, because I think I have all the answers and in order to ease my aching heart and lesson my own pain, I fix her instead of letting her suffer enough to find her own fix.

Jodiehooks

 

[Childofmine]

Wow, JH, now isn't that exactly what we on this forum are hoping and praying for? To get a message like that from our adult children.

That is great! I hope you will celebrate this. Just stop right now, and feel really good about this. This moment, this now.

Yes, who knows what the future holds? None of us knows, and usually things don't go in a straight line so there will be ups and downs. That is normal. We get so used to a straight downdrop that we forget what is normal anymore, sometimes.

The more you can stand back...say little...be supportive with your words (no money)...keep it short and simple...don't overtalk it...just say that's great honey. I knew you could do it....the more you can do that...let some time pass...the more she can stand on her own two feet, which is what being adult is all about, as we know here.

Hang in there! We're here for you.

 

[Weary Mother]

Childofmine:
Thanks for your words or encouragement. I am soooo guilty of trying to over do it. But you are right, standing back and letting her walk on her own is the answer. I am glad she is 2 states away, and has to rely on her own motivation.

 

[Albatross]

Wow, Jodie, I sure am glad you found out how to post your own thread! What a heartwarming text from your daughter! Something I believe we all hope to hear some day. Good for her and good for you!

 

[karisma]

Sounds like she got clean. Yea!!

 

[Weary Mother]

I believe so. It is funny how you can tell even from 2 states away!!

 

[New Leaf]

Hello there JH. Glad you posted, and my oh my it is good news.

This is the first sign that she may at least temporarily have begun to heal. I am trying not to be pessimistic and think that the other shoe may drop and am taking this as a blessing, for now.

I can only imagine what you have been through, she is 46!!!!!!! Most likely a very long story of ups and downs and sideways. I can appreciate your hesitation at celebrating, after so many trials. My eldest is almost 37, and still trying to find her way. Long story there, too, and I think I would be where you are at, a bit hesitant, catching my breath lest I swim too deep in those waters again, counting it as a blessing, nevertheless...... cautiously optimistic......
All we really have is the present. This text is a start to new beginnings. I think if I received a text like this after all these years I would be praying that whatever epiphany, incident, rather lightening bolt that struck my two would continue to resonate within them and drive them towards the great potential they truly have.

Letting her figure things out and make the effort to improve her own life is hard, because I think I have all the answers and in order to ease my aching heart and lesson my own pain, I fix her instead of letting her suffer enough to find her own fix.

I understand this. It is hard. The answers seem so clear to us don't they? Alas, that is why our "helping" doesn't really help, because they know deep down inside that they do have the power to be self sufficient.

I knew you could do it....the more you can do that...let some time pass...the more she can stand on her own two feet, which is what being adult is all about, as we know here.

Totally agree.
What awesome news Jodiehooks, I am so very glad for both you and your daughter. It is a hope we all hold out for, that our d c's will begin the climb to their purpose.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I am wanting to add that I feel for you with two troubled adult children, me too (don't I know the hardship of it.......).
I hope your son is getting the help he needs to find his purpose.
Hang in there warrior mom, you are not alone.
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

Jodi, that is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing with us.

 

[Kalahou]

My 46 year old daughter ... has turned a corner. She has a job, ... the text she sent me last night. This is the first sign that she may at least temporarily have begun to heal. I am... taking this as a blessing, for now.

Jodie ~ I do hope this is a turning point, as you are hopeful it is. I have over the years received similar texts from my son, when he temporarily (for perhaps a few weeks) did seem to be getting his act together (getting a job, expressing love and appreciation to us), only to fall back into his previous irresponsible and untrustworthy ways. It’s a roller coaster.

she says:
I am really liking life at the moment. Feeling Better, working, no drama. Figuring things out. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have done and I am very sorry that I was so into my own mess that I have disrespected you.

A few times over past years I got similar texts. Once I got a text on Thanksgiving Day expressing a similar gesture as this heartwarming greeting you received, and my older son (Difficult Child’s brother) who was with me at the time, received the same text message and made a comment “ Whoa! What the heck is he on …?”) I know when Difficult Child son sent the message he meant it, but .... then easily swayed to other behaviors ....

At the present, my son (mid 30s - no young kid) is recently released from jail on a court probation program and living in a sober house. The sober house is a real bit of a dump, but the program and folks there seem on a path to progress, and son also has the daily court program to attend. When I have seen him over the past weeks, he is now speaking some good, encouraging comments to me that “the program is the priority … must stick with the program…" I understand he has some limited work schedule, curfews, classes, etc. He says he wants to do good. …. (I truly think the fear of having to go straight back to jail and possible conviction (if he messes up) is the prime motivating factor. But I'll take that as a motivator right now !! )

I lift the best for my son, but I am cautious now. (My heart has become calloused as protection.) I love him, but I hesitate to build enlarged hope and gladness in my heart. I stay thankful for one day at a time. I don't grab hold of his "good words" or "his job" at the present. I will wait and see what his actions over the long-haul show and see the evidence of his true commitment and results of his efforts.

I am with you, Jodie, in giving thanks for your girl. Holding you and you daughter in best thoughts.
Be glad for the new day ~ Ka la hou ...

 

[Weary Mother]

Kalahou:

Thank you for your response. I feel cautious as well, because I know the pitfalls of believing that all will be fine. There are ups and downs with drug addiction and mental issues. How quickly things can change and for sure it is good to have a little wait and see attitude. My oldest son was killed at age 25, so to make matter worse I grieve and worry that I will lose both of my others. But I am for now hopefull.

 

[Weary Mother]

Well, so the other shoe has dropped. My daughter is still working, however the woman who was kind enough at the time to give her a couch to sleep on has said she must leave by 8/1, only a few days from now. Her vehicle needs repair or she could sleep in it, but as it is she has no transportation and walked 5 miles yesterday after work, to get back to the couch, only to find that she must leave this coming Monday. In trying to be compassionate, I assess that she needs to keep her job. And get her vehicle running. I called a pastor in the area who as very nice and told me that the job she has (grocery store) is a good job and she can probably make a long time thing of it as they are good to work for. So, after calling a mechanic that he referred me to (the town has 15K people only, no shelters, no hud apartments), it appears that in order to get into an apartment (waiting lists) she may need a co signer due to her bad credit report (utility bills, medical bills etc). There is actually an efficiency apartment open that is in her price range, waiting to see if she can be accepted. I have cried and felt such anxiety and panic over the weekend. Had she not lived it up over the years, spent every dime she got on good times and ran around chasing mr. goodbar, she would not be in this spot. And these problems are not things that you can throw money at (unless you have a truckload of it) and make go away. Please keep me in mind here and shout out any help any of you may have. She is an hour outside of St. Louis in a rural area.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...ama-on-homeless-daughter.62574/#ixzz4FRvdQEpf

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Jodie, and I'm so sorry. I know you are so tired.

I also know it's really hard when there is a crossroads, like when they lose their place to stay. This happened to my son time and again. I found myself in a state of urgent reaction to hearing this type of news. Like you, I would get on the phone and start trying to find out what was possible. Then I was involved and it was hard to get un-involved.

I found that when these types of things happened---and they did---over and over and over again, I would need to find a way to wait. To stop. Not to dive in. Not to start making phone calls and "getting information." That was really hard for me to do, that first time, and many other times, because I am a problem-solver. That's what I am really good at. And it makes me feel better to take action instead of sitting and waiting.

But if we don't stand back...stand down..wait...let time go by...then nothing. ever. changes.

They have no skin in the game---how could they? We handle it all. They never even have a chance to step up or to bumble through a situation or even to be homeless to see the true and real consequences of their own decisions.

I know, I know...she has a good job and you don't want her to lose it. I really really understand that, as I was right there many times with my son.

Finally, jodie, he got a job at a McDonald's and he slept on a bench outside and he walked to work---for months---until a homeless advocate started helping him find an apartment. And then---after standing back for months---his dad and I helped. That was two years ago and he is still making progress. He now pays his own bills--except health insurance---we are still helping with that. He is making $23 an hour as an electrician-in-training plus overtime every week. He is about to move to a better place to life. He has rejoined the human race as we all dream our DCs will.

I firmly believe that my ability (I was his biggest enabler) to finally stop has been a key contributing factor in his turnaround. Of course not the only factor, or maybe even the biggest factor, but it has been a very big factor. And he even told me that himself a few months ago.

If you can, please stand down on this. Let her find some solutions. Don't rush to co-sign anything. People can be amazingly resilient if we will give them a chance to be. It won't be pretty, and in a straight line and she may not like it at all. We have taught them well. But this, right now, this is a chance, a crossroads, for change.

 

[Weary Mother]

Thanks for all the reply's. I want to update the situation here and try not to make it a long drawn out post, but these things seem to always be drawn out and full of drama which again upsets me to have to live through. The reason my daughter was asked to move so soon, after just starting her new job and not getting a full paycheck yet, is it is perceived that she is not trying to move forward, and the people giving her shelter are in a one bedroom, so she is couch surfing, truly not a good situation but many here have had adult children couch surf for years. But in her case, she has no phone, no vehicle (needs a part repaired) and no credit to get a regular apartment. So, I was told that she seemed to be allowing others to make all the efforts, to find an apartment, to make calls, etc. They found a small apartment for her, rented it, and she is to move in next week I am told. she is unhappy and feels forced into this, but is resigned to do it because she has no choice. I truly feel bad for her and worry about her being there alone with nothing in the apartment, tough situation but I know it is not as bad as she is portraying. I see that she is in a major depression, which as we all know can be deadly. So I am watchful, but from this distance can only try to give moral support, which she turns on me when I try to encourage her because she is basically angry and does not want help, she just wants what ever she feels at the moment will make her feel better and does not want people telling her what she has to do. She says she is taking anxiety medications to sleep and that she feels no body really cares. I remind her of all the help given to her and then she gets angry saying that she is grateful but why does she have to say it every time she opens her mouth. I am my wits end. I do agree she is guilty of this type of poor me behavior. When I spoke to her at length last night, she cried and complained that others are unfair, asking her to do things before she is ready or able. She says she is depressed due to losing contact with her older daughter and the grandchildren, I understand that after having many other similar types of things happen but still.....she needs to move on. She cried saying that she was forced into moving into an apartment with no furniture, no tv and no body to visit her, alone all the time. We ended up having harsh words when in fact my intent was to be compassionate, I found myself being angry and telling her she needed to change her attitude, because I was being affected, which she said that she was aware since I tell her this a lot. I am not co signing for an apartment and since they found one for her and helped her pay the first months rent I dont have to, but sent the $150.00 for vehicle repair, no expectations on repayment, just the last bit of help I can give to get her able to fully take responsibility for herself. So, if she gets a phone she could be back to some normal, even though depressed and alone. Since she refuses any type of emotional help or contact with therapy, church or talking out things I told her that I could no longer help her because she is unwilling to help herself unless it agrees with her idea of help. I really do feel so bad that she is in this deep depression that as I told her, I am not a trained therapist and so will not cause more pain by attempting to reason with her. I am on my way now to a neurosurgeon and she is aware that I have been diagnosed with a large tarlov cyst on my sacrum, but at no time does she ever ask me how I am or any updates on my life. So, I will go to the appointment and see what is happening there and thanks again for all the support here, I am really a mess, and cried last night out of just pure being sick of all this.