How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??

[Gafese]

Hi, l don’t know where else to go since l do not want to mention this to my family or friends. My 21 years old was in trouble as a juvenile for 3 long year, juvenile,rehab, therapy and lots of money to pay. He was doing well, till now . He got arrested for drugs l put $10000 on a credit card and $3000 cash in bond money. He now received 3 years probation. Has a medical marijuana card which the judge did not allow him to use it while on probation. Now, he tells me his going to keep smoking, l told him his on his own but l can’t stop fearing his future . Please any advice would be help full on how l can live my life ( husband of 13 years left me because of my sons behavior) because l was enabling him. I keep telling him that this is it, this it but l can’t follow through. Help!!!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello Gafese and welcome. It’s so difficult to step away from our children who keep taking from us and continuing to do as they please. My situation with my daughter, the back and forth - her living with us - helping her - giving her money ect, has no different result than when we started so many years ago….she is back in jail.

Our children have to WANT to change, as long as we give them everything they need there is no lesson for them on how to thrive on their own. They shame us with guilt, how we owe it to them, they did not decide to be born, in the case of my daughter there is mental, alcohol and drugs involved. She will not get therapy and refuses mental medications. This time of her being in jail I said enough!

Enough because we deserve a life too. We deserve good health and good mental clarity. We are absolutely enablers and have to let go, hard as that might be. Give him a plan of what YOU want and stick to a timeframe of this and that to be completed. If he cannot stick to your plan you should cut all monies that are possibly being used to buy drugs. It’s absolutely gut wrenching to do this and will lead you to incredible amounts of stress. At first I cried non stop everyday after my decision of no contact. I went into a deep depression and talked of my daughter non stop, waking thoughts of nothing but her, imagining worse case scenarios. You see? I had to STOP or else face the possibility of harming myself, heart attack, stroke ect. In Allison Bottke book, Setting Boundaries with our adult children, she herself went through this with her own son and has come through with a better relationship with her son.

For myself? No contact! But! If my daughter tries, if she goes to counseling - takes mental medications - holds a job - pays her bills, I would GLADLY welcome her back into my arms yet again. I don’t hold out too much hope of that happening though because her personality is she won’t listen to anyone or do what they say.

I wish you good luck in this decision, it’s a tough one for sure. At the end of the day though….who is putting more effort into this? You or him?

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Galese. Welcome.

Now, he tells me his going to keep smoking, l told him his on his own but l can’t stop fearing his future .

Your son is an adult now. He makes his own future based on his own choices, good or bad. The only way he can change is based upon his own learning, based on his own experience.

You are not alone. Almost all of us here have tried to influence our children to do better. We can try to get them into drug treatment, bail them out, provide housing, or all of the above. But eventually, they are called upon to decide for themselves, as is your son.

husband of 13 years left me because of my sons behavior) because l was enabling him.

The thing is, if giving up our health, our marriages, our money and our sanity helped, it might be a viable decision. But it does not. Who among us hasn't thought or said, I'd give up anything, even my life, if it could turn my child's life around?

But we end up without partners, without our health, having paid our thousands of dollars. We raise their children. And at the end of the day, what we do does not change things.

It is only what our children decide to do, and follow through.

No one here doesn't understand your pain and your heartache. Nobody here doesn't relate to your choices. We have done the same. It does not save our children. Only they can save themselves.

 

[lovemysons]

Please don’t go out into those waters while all you see is your son drowning. You will drown. And then both of you will have paid the price for your son’s addiction. Addiction will win.

Signed…a mother whose son died from his addiction. Thank God I barely survived so I can now help raise his children.

LMS

 

[Nomad]

Hello. Agreeing with the others.

If your son was younger than 21 MAYBE I would feel slightly different , as many are still very childlike at 18. But at 21 something should start clicking with your son. And enabling only makes things more complicated and drag on. Either he is going to face reality amd his role in it or not. It’s really up to him. And enabling only slows things down.

Additionally, you have every right and even obligation to make the most out of your own personal life. You already paid a dear price with this young man. in my humble opinion, enough. And in a certain way, you set an example for your son when you set boundaries AND push forward within your own life enjoying relationships that are every right of yours to enjoy and to be productive and happy.

The ball needs to be in his court. He needs to make a personal decision for change. You can not do it for him.

There are support groups out there for folks suffering with adult kids not functioning well and pulling us down. Families Anonymous is a good one. But there are others.

Wishing you strength and much happiness!!!!

 

[Copabanana]

One of the things that happens to mothers in our situation is that we begin to live our lives located in our children. We make pleasure, functioning, and ease, contingent on something happening in them. If they exhibit hopefulness, motivation, etc. we feel happy. If they don't we feel negatively. It becomes like an addiction. Our feeling good depends upon something external, not a pill, not liquor, not gambling, but the behaviors of our children.

And it gets worse. We regress. We no longer identify with our capacities, our skills, our achievements. We feel helpless, hopeless, and dependent. It is as if we become traumatized children, dependent upon rescue. And the improvement of our kids we identify as the only thing that will rescue.

I know this sounds dramatic, but I believe it is so.

I don't think it is possible to change this dynamic without psychotherapy, intense involvement with a faith tradition, or joining with a group of parents either here, or a group like Families Anonymous, such as Nomad mentions.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I don't think it is possible to change this dynamic without psychotherapy, intense involvement with a faith tradition, or joining with a group of parents either here, or a group like Families Anonymous, such as Nomad mentions.

I definitely agree, some sort of support is definitely needed to get through this, it’s a never ending battle with ourselves to find any sort of joy just for us solely.

It’s a bit harder for me as we have limited funds, did a telehealth through my husbands work but, it just did not do anything for me. My biggest success has been Allison Bottke book - Setting Boundaries With Our Adult Children - opened my eyes so much more than seeing the telehealth psychiatrist. I had found another book - When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart by Joel Young, these were my Bible during the very first days of deciding to go no contact. I also have health issues and use a walker to get around when I do go out.

For each of us we will choose different paths and hopefully will lead us all to a place of peace. Depending on where you are there is also Nami who has support groups run solely by families going through the same crisis as you are. I signed up to attend but have not gotten to the point of going.

After all my strength in reading those books….guess what??? My son and I also have an off and on relationship. We were in the very beginning’s of getting back together when his cat Thunder was in the process of dying and he wanted to put him down so as not to suffer. Thunder used to be all our families pet before my son moved out on his own, it was a very emotional time and my husband and I were very weak. He asked if we would pay the $550. for euthanize and we reluctantly said yes. Well there went all my strength right out the window! Then because he paid over a thousand at the emergency vet the day before asked us for another loan of $1500. Again we said yes.

This is why in Allison book she tells of setting up every possible scenario and making a plan. I did this with my daughter and not for my son, felt I had no need too.

But it’s what you said, we base their joy and sorrow as our own. My son called me everyday violently crying over putting Thunder to sleep. While a very sad situation, I felt needed and made me happy in such tragedy. But! Now he has passed this emotional hurdle and we are back to not hearing from him so much, promises he made that are not coming true…..again. And yet again, the owing of money back to us. I cannot tell him how deeply this hurts for fear of not paying us back.

I will now set up a plan for my son as well, was totally caught off guard and won’t let that happen again.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Gafese,
Welcome to CD, I’m sorry for your need to be here and for your aching Mommas heart. It is a good place to come and sort through the challenges that we face with wayward adult children. Lord knows we did not expect to be at this place, but here we are.

My 21 years old was in trouble as a juvenile for 3 long year, juvenile,rehab, therapy and lots of money to pay. He was doing well, till now .

You have had skin in the game for a while now, similar to my two who went off the rails starting in middle school. I think we dive deep into the muck of it when they are younger, trying with all our might to stop the impending train wreck, it becomes habitual, routine. We love them and want the best for them, before we know it, they become adults. Legally, that is. As adults, they will continue to do as they choose and we don’t have a say in those choices. So, we are left with that routine of trying to steer them on the right track, but we have no control over their decisions and direction. It’s not easy to break that routine and see clearly what is happening to us, emotionally, physically and financially. We are so focused on them, that we lose ourselves.

He got arrested for drugs l put $10000 on a credit card and $3000 cash in bond money. He now received 3 years probation. Has a medical marijuana card which the judge did not allow him to use it while on probation. Now, he tells me his going to keep smoking, l told him his on his own but l can’t stop fearing his future .

That’s a lot of money. He tells you he’s going to not abide by his probation and you have set a boundary. That’s a start Gafese. Now the trick is to follow through for your sake and his. If he doesn’t face consequences, how will he learn? As for fearing his future, that is part of that old routine that we get stuck in. We become so entangled with our adult kids choices, so focused on the “what ifs” we go down the rabbit hole with them. That’s no good for them, or us. They will do what they want, no matter how it affects us.

Please any advice would be help full on how l can live my life ( husband of 13 years left me because of my sons behavior) because l was enabling him. I keep telling him that this is it, this it but l can’t follow through. Help!!!

That’s another huge loss for you, Gafese, your relationship.
I agree with the others who wrote about getting help for yourself. The first step is to realize that you have a problem with following through with boundaries. That’s a big step. Getting help through therapy, books, writing, is essential to our own recovery. All of us at one point in this journey have abandoned ourselves in desperation to try to save our adult children. As if sacrificing our lives, relationships, finances, emotional and physical health, time, will make a difference.
It won’t.
Our adult kids will still choose as they do. We have absolutely no control over that.
Learning to switch focus back to what we can control, our response, ourselves, is a big ongoing part of living with the reality of wayward adult children.
We have to learn to love ourselves enough to let go. Self love is not selfish, it is paramount to our well being. It is what we wish most for our kids, that they will love themselves enough to make better choices. Our love and self sacrifice won’t save them, but we can show them how to live by our example, rising up from desperation to setting healthy boundaries and keeping them. That first no is not easy. But love says no. No I will not allow you to walk all over me and take advantage of me.
Saying no to yourself is important too. No, I will not go down the rabbit hole worrying about my son.
You have value and a future ahead of you. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to live. Live well. Set boundaries.
You can do it. It takes work, but you are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

e have to learn to love ourselves enough to let go.

We are also loving our children by letting them deal with their lives as they choose.

My son does not see that he chooses to do one thing or another. He does not acknowledge choice. He sees consequences as having nothing to do with what he does or doesn't do. He acknowledges no agency in his life. He sees choices as other people's choices that negatively or positively affect him, ie whether or not I give him money, lodging, or whatever other support he wants, with no strings attached.. This means he manipulates me. It also means he batters me emotionally.

Until my son sees his behavior, attitudes, and actions define his circumstances, character, and consequences, he will forfeit control over his life and he will stay the same. In my own son's case, I do not know whether he is the way due to addiction, early trauma, a traumatic brain injury, chronic mental illness, or all of the above. However, I do know that the only chance he has to learn to love himself is a direct relationship between himself and the consequences of his actions. If I take responsibility, I directly break this necessary learning chain.

What I am saying is that it is loving our adult children to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn. This is respectful and this is loving..

 

[New Leaf]

Acceptance. A buzzword in the recovery industry. It is a hard thing to practice. Some of the terms used have been triggers for me. I felt really angry when the first therapist I went to called me an “enabler”. It seemed harsh, a label, my mind went to defense mode. “She doesn’t understand, she doesn’t know how it feels to watch helplessly as your child plummets into darkness and drags your grandchildren with her.”
I was deep into trying with all my might to stop the train wreck. I couldn’t see what was happening to me, my younger children, my household.
I was in fact, an enabler.
Looking back, I can see it, and say it.
Acceptance is another hard one for me. Accepting that this is the choice my two daughters make, to keep using meth, to abandon themselves and family for the street life.
Accepting that there is nothing I can do or say that will stop them.

We are also loving our children by letting them deal with their lives as they choose.

Thank you Copa for this stark reminder. This is acceptance. It’s not that we are comfortable with their choices. I don’t use the word hate much, but I hate how my two are living. It is what it is.

However, I do know that the only chance he has to learn to love himself is a direct relationship between himself and the consequences of his actions. If I take responsibility, I directly break this necessary learning chain.

Truth.

He sees choices as other people's choices that negatively or positively affect him, ie whether or not I give him money, lodging, or whatever other support he wants, with no strings attached.. This means he manipulates me. It also means he batters me emotionally.

It’s hard to look at. But this is true for my two as well. I don’t think they bat an eye over the emotional damage the family has suffered.

What I am saying is that it is loving our adult children to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn. This is respectful and this is loving..

Amen. Looking back and taking honest inventory of all of the time, money, emotional heartache and energy put into trying to fix my two, did not change the trajectory they chose.
It is a constant learning process for those of us who love and live with the reality of wayward adult children. Learning to focus on what we can change, our response, what we do with the precious time we have on this earth, that is a challenge. I cannot ignore my initial reaction, my feelings, but with prayer and Gods grace, I can overcome, rebuild and redirect my focus.
Gafese, you can too. It takes a lot of work, but you are worth the effort.
I hope each day brings you strength. It is not an easy journey to take an honest inventory of misteps along the way, and do the necessary work to blaze the trail for a new path. At first, it feels like giving up. It is not. We begin by understanding the reality that our adult kids will choose as they do, no matter how it affects us. While we intensely focus on them, we are not even a blip on their radar. With the exception on what they can get out of us. I had to realize years ago that when my two are actively using drugs, I became an “opportunity” for them. They were using me and my love for them. Allowing them to cross boundaries and continue as is was a cruel game that hurt us all.
A large part of switching focus is knowing the truth of what Copa so eloquently points out in her response. “Loving our adult children is to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn.”
May we all find peace.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Acceptance is another hard one for me. Accepting that this is the choice my two daughters make, to keep using meth, to abandon themselves and family for the street life.

This is acceptance. It’s not that we are comfortable with their choices.

Yes. I don't like the word acceptance either. I have a much easier time with reality.

We don't argue (usually) with reality unless it's the reality of our troubled children. Until we get strong(er). But the thing is, their conduct is as real as real can get, and the consequences, too, are real.

Now I don't argue with reality. It makes me sad to see how my son lives. It makes me sadder still how he treats me. And the saddest of all is that we don't have a loving relationship.

But I no longer persist in believing I have a role in how he lives. I accept the reality that he treats me poorly and as a consequence, I need to pull away. As I pull away he gets meaner and more aggressive.

That is reality. I know now that I must limit contact with him. I don't have any other option if this is the reality. I do not accept his mistreatment. I accept the reality that when people treat me badly, I leave their sphere. There are no special rules for my son.

I talk a good game. But I do get reactive. It is very hard for me to keep my composure, and stay loving when I feel he hurts me. I fault myself for that. The other night he called and said he had a "real problem." I said I will listen but please get to the point, (I meant without manipulation and drama.)

He started in with the manipulation and drama and I said, I'm hanging up. If you want to tell me the problem I will listen. So, I hung up.
An hour later I called him back. (My bad.) I said again, J I will listen to you, please be direct. he said this, I'm going to die on the street. I replied I had come to accept that as a potential reality.

I mean, who could take this? I wish I had said, I love you and I would feel very sad if you died on the street.

The thing is, I think he ran out of SSI money, and we're only 8 days into the month. This happens every month and he wants M and I to bail him out. We have over and over again bailed him out. It doesn't work.

Why can't I accept that he does not play fair and will say and do anything to try to weasel out of responsibility and gain what he wants?

I gues I can't deal with the reality that my son thinks of me as a thing not a person, not a soul, somebody who has loved him and fought for him for 34 years. All of it is so sad.

 

[Blighty]

I hear your grief Copa.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

He started in with the manipulation and drama and I said, I'm hanging up. If you want to tell me the problem I will listen. So, I hung up.
An hour later I called him back. (My bad.) I said again, J I will listen to you, please be direct. he said this, I'm going to die on the street. I replied I had come to accept that as a potential reality.

I mean, who could take this? I wish I had said, I love you and I would feel very sad if you died on the street.

The thing is, I think he ran out of SSI money, and we're only 8 days into the month. This happens every month and he wants M and I to bail him out. We have over and over again bailed him out. It doesn't work.

Why can't I accept that he does not play fair and will say and do anything to try to weasel out of responsibility and gain what he wants?

I gues I can't deal with the reality that my son thinks of me as a thing not a person, not a soul, somebody who has loved him and fought for him for 34 years. All of it is so sad.

This was so sad to read as it brought back similar ways of manipulation by my daughter. “I will kill myself if I go back to jail or if I have to live on the streets.” Even though this hurt you to the very core you handled his side very well. In the case of my daughter, it’s all about her - nothing anyone says or does affects her.

Does your son perhaps suffer with anti social personality disorder?

 

[Copabanana]

Does your son perhaps suffer with anti social personality disorder?

My son is mentally ill but I don't believe he is antisocial.

 

[New Leaf]

I’m so sorry Copa. So sorry for the hurt and pain of our reality.

Now I don't argue with reality. It makes me sad to see how my son lives. It makes me sadder still how he treats me. And the saddest of all is that we don't have a loving relationship.

It is sad.

But I no longer persist in believing I have a role in how he lives. I accept the reality that he treats me poorly and as a consequence, I need to pull away. As I pull away he gets meaner and more aggressive.

This is hard Copa. A “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

That is reality. I know now that I must limit contact with him. I don't have any other option if this is the reality. I do not accept his mistreatment. I accept the reality that when people treat me badly, I leave their sphere. There are no special rules for my son.

Toxic relationships are so damaging. I am still trying to figure out my situation with Tornado. It’s hard not to feel duped and manipulated. She came to the house to get her Temu package and off into who knows where she went.

It is very hard for me to keep my composure, and stay loving when I feel he hurts me. I fault myself for that. The other night he called and said he had a "real problem." I said I will listen but please get to the point, (I meant without manipulation and drama.)

This too. Many years of dealing with the reality has left me guarded.

He started in with the manipulation and drama and I said, I'm hanging up. If you want to tell me the problem I will listen. So, I hung up.

I think that’s an appropriate response. It still hurts.

An hour later I called him back. (My bad.) I said again, J I will listen to you, please be direct. he said this, I'm going to die on the street. I replied I had come to accept that as a potential reality.

When Tornado was at the sober house and Rain ended up in the hospital again for her leg infection, Tornado said the same. “Mom, the end result of addiction is either jail or death.”

I mean, who could take this? I wish I had said, I love you and I would feel very sad if you died on the street.

Who could take it? How are we supposed to respond? It is so hurtful to witness, but then again the reality is the truth of it, we may have to endure that eventuality, but how heartless to also use that as a manipulation tactic?

The thing is, I think he ran out of SSI money, and we're only 8 days into the month. This happens every month and he wants M and I to bail him out. We have over and over again bailed him out. It doesn't work.

I’m sorry Copa.

Why can't I accept that he does not play fair and will say and do anything to try to weasel out of responsibility and gain what he wants?

There’s that word again, acceptance, but it is unacceptable that we have become targets.

I guess I can't deal with the reality that my son thinks of me as a thing not a person, not a soul, somebody who has loved him and fought for him for 34 years. All of it is so sad.

It is so sad. I am a thing as well, to my two. The more I realize it, the more I know there is much work for me to do to protect myself, my heart, my health. I wish it were different for us and for them.
It is in Gods hands.
Prayers for you and I going up, for healing and peace.
Hugs and love
New Leaf

 

[Beta]

We are also loving our children by letting them deal with their lives as they choose.

My son does not see that he chooses to do one thing or another. He does not acknowledge choice. He sees consequences as having nothing to do with what he does or doesn't do. He acknowledges no agency in his life. He sees choices as other people's choices that negatively or positively affect him, ie whether or not I give him money, lodging, or whatever other support he wants, with no strings attached.. This means he manipulates me. It also means he batters me emotionally.

Until my son sees his behavior, attitudes, and actions define his circumstances, character, and consequences, he will forfeit control over his life and he will stay the same. In my own son's case, I do not know whether he is the way due to addiction, early trauma, a traumatic brain injury, chronic mental illness, or all of the above. However, I do know that the only chance he has to learn to love himself is a direct relationship between himself and the consequences of his actions. If I take responsibility, I directly break this necessary learning chain.

What I am saying is that it is loving our adult children to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn. This is respectful and this is loving..

"My son does not see that he chooses to do one thing or another. He does not acknowledge choice. He sees consequences as having nothing to do with what he does or doesn't do. He acknowledges no agency in his life. He sees choices as other people's choices that negatively or positively affect him.."
Oh my, this describes our son to a "T". He does make the connection between what he does and the consequences of what he does. It's always somebody else's fault because of what THEY did. You nailed it, Copa.