I know that during this short time we enabled her by giving her money and allowing her to come and go, please keep in mind that this is all new behaviour over the last two weeks.
Tia, don't be so hard on yourself. How could anyone know how to deal with this?
With my eldest, she started acting out in middle school. Hanging out with the "wrong" crowd, smoking pot. I did not know the extent of it until much later.
Looking back, I would have interceded more, but just did not know at the time what she was getting into. It is hard when our children slide down the slippery slope into addiction. My daughter was able to control herself to some degree and function, like yours, go to school and maintain some essence of normalcy. She really went off the rails at 18. I had to make her leave, as she was affecting our entire household. It was hard, but the right thing to do.
I am not understanding why the hospital will not release information to you. That is frustrating and troubling. Like Copa said, in the States, 18 is legal age.
We know from reading and talking to different groups that we contacted for help that we must not enable her.
This is true. She is in the hospital, so you have a bit of time to try and figure your next steps. A lot will depend on her willingness to get help. Let's hope she will, but also realize there is a great chance she will not.
What I also do not understand is that the hospital has not tested her for substance abuse. At least you would have an idea of what you are dealing with. There is so much out there for kids to get involved with. While pot is bad enough, the rapid changes you write of suggest more. Here, in Hawaii, meth is epidemic, as is crack. The personality changes my two have gone through sound similar to your daughter. My brother lives in a small town in New Hampshire, there is a huge problem with heroin there.
These drugs get a hold of our children and just turn them into different people. It is sad, and a very difficult thing to deal with. I am very sorry for your pain and heartache.
The article on detachment we mentioned is very good.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/
I read it often to help ground myself.
Here is the article Copa mentioned from Cedar
http://drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com/2012/06/helping-adult-children-through-rough.html
It is going to be so hard because we are so scared for her to be out in the freezing cold of winter with nothing.
Yes, there is no doubt, it is hard to have a
nearly adult child out in the cold.
Unfortunately, if she does not want help, this is the alternative that SHE chooses. We cannot live at peace in our own homes, with an addict going off the rails. I am sorry, I know the word "addict" sounds harsh, the picture we get is someone down and out, on the streets. But, the sooner we understand about this, the better to deal with it. It is not that you were bad parents, or even that she is a bad person. It is a disease. The changes the brain goes through with these drugs, make the drugs #1 in our d cs lives. Anything and everything that stands in the way of using, is considered the enemy. This includes US.
She has shown you through her actions, that she will not listen to you, or follow house rules. If she refuses help, what else can you do, but tell her you love her, and that she cannot live in your home with the
lifestyle she is choosing? The longer our d cs stay in our homes, the more they take advantage, the less likely they get help. The longer they stay in the home, the more
we suffer the consequences of their choices.
I am guilty of this but only did it because I was worried, she had been gone for two nights which she had never taken off overnight and I was going out of my mind trying to find her because she was not answering her phone or texts from us. She had taken off at 4 a.m. after I had awaken to find her stoned in the basement rec room with a homemade bong.
No one can blame you for looking at her FB account to find out information. You are a concerned and worried mom.
This is when I found out she was using again after being clean for over 3 months.
How long do you think she was using before this?
We have made the decision not to give her phone back because it enables her to make all her drug contacts but are worried about her safety.
Of course you are worried for her safety. I think it is a good decision not to give her the phone. She is not respecting her parents. Cell phones, paid for by parents are a privilege, not a right.
She has used all her available money in the bank the rest are locked in investments that she has earned by working and joint with me so she cannot cash them in.
Many of us have seen our d cs blow through money. It is good you have a joint account and the rest of her money is tied up in investments.
I am not sure if you can keep her money from her, giving that she is afforded privacy rights with the hospital.
we will install a security system to protect our home.
This is a good idea. My two have broken into our home. They have stolen from us. I am missing some family heirlooms. We do not have much, but what we had that was irreplaceable, is gone. My eldest has brought her street friends over. This is frightening, one does not want these types of people lurking around the home.
This is what happens, when we have d cs, out of control, living with us. I would go off to work, and come home to strangers in my house, my yard. My daughter did not think about our safety. She trusted her druggy friends. I do not.....
Is what we are planning a bad idea. I have not been able to sleep and am so stressed out. I will continue to read any available advice.
No, it is not a bad idea. What most of us have found here, is that when our d cs live in our homes, they do not get better, they get worse. A lot will depend on your daughters choice to get help, or not. You do have a little time to prepare yourselves, if help is not her choice. Here in the States, there are shelters where d cs can go, to get warm, a meal. Many of our d cs end up "couch surfing."
We think of the absolute worse case scenarios, as parents, when we are faced with this decision. What needs to be in the forefront of your minds, is that your home is your sanctuary, there are rules that must be followed. You matter, you have value.
When we show our d cs, that disrespect is not tolerated, we are teaching them a very valuable lesson. This is true love. We love them enough, not to tolerate wrong action, in our homes. We love them enough to say no more. This will happen in my home no more. It is hard to grasp, but this ultimatum, is true love. We are not loving our children, or ourselves, by allowing them to tread all over us with disrespect. It is unacceptable.
This is what I have learned: I cannot allow disrespect to me or in my home. I cannot allow my son to flaunt my rules. If he does not accept them, he leaves ( he is legally an adult.) There is no negotiating. I have no control except over my home (if I take it) and over myself. If I had it to do over again I would have gotten tough sooner. It would have been better for me and for my child. Only your daughter can change herself. She will do so when she is ready. There is hope.
Many will tell you this, I wish I had acted sooner. Gotten tough, sooner. Our d cs have to learn from the choices they make. They have to deal with the consequences of their actions. If the choice is to drug and party, and they live at home, we are basically
supporting that choice.
Understanding this is key.
Instead of looking at this as "How can I kick my daughter out?"
Look at it as "I will not fund her choice to use."
Keep saying that to yourself. Over and over.
This is thinking with your head, and not letting your heart make the decisions. Our kids know just how to tug at our heartstrings.
Your daughter is near adult age. You have parented her, and given her your best. All of your teachings are there. She knows you love her. She knows.
She will blame you, throw down guilt cards, left and right.
All of our d cs went this route. Blame, guilt. Do not fall for it. We are only human, we make mistakes. We have done our best for our kids.
It is hard, when this is the path they choose. It is very painful. Take this one day, one step at a time.
You are here with us now, and we will be here for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
This is all so difficult.. One of the things we have learned is that we focus so much on our d cs, we get so wrapped up in all of this, that we forget to care for ourselves.
Take good care of yourself.
Be very kind and patient to YOU. I am glad that your husband is on board with you now, so that you are not dealing with this by yourself.
Most of us here, have been through very similar situations. You are not alone.
I am sorry for the heartache of it.
(((HUGS)))
leafy