How to play this?

[CAmom]

You know, Karen, I think he MIGHT have!

When I asked him how he managed to earn his status, after five months of basically trying really hard to negotiate with everyone around him to get what he wanted and then going off in a snit when it didn't work, he described what actually sounded like a lightbulb moment.

He said that he said to himself, "WHAT am I doing...I'm being an a--hole," and simply decided to stop. He didn't go so far as to say that God spoke to him (we are not a particularly reglious family although we believe in God and took our son to Church regularly when he was younger...), but he did say that God helped him to stop and listen to himself tell himself some hard truths.

He talked a lot about not being a baby anymore and that a "man" would be coming home (that lasted until he needed me to figure out why he couldn't get online..."MOMMMMMM---HELP!!!") He talked about how he had made a decision to stay on at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) past his anticipated return-home date so that he could complete his required credits to graduate there, although it had been decided that he could return home to his regular high school for the extra month or two necessary to do that. I heard him on his cell phone tell a friend who was, apparently, talking to him about the 4/20 stoner day, and his response was "I can't leave my house, and I'm not going to disobey my parents' or my PO's rules." (Huh??? Who are you and what have you done with my child?")

Now, I am NOT much of a believe in miracles, but I'm going to hold on to my hope that all this really represents the start of some solid changes on his part and is not just him going through a honeymoon phase.

 

[DDD]

Fingers "still" crossed....I hope they don't go numb! LOL DDD

 

[CAmom]

DDD, thanks for those crossed fingers...THAT's what did it!

 

[KFld]

Sounds like you are having a good weekend. I'm glad to hear he has decided to stay past when he has to. That is a big step. He's finally accepting who he is and what kind of help he needs to live a healthy lifestyle. I hope it continues for all of you.

 

[CAmom]

Well, only one little hitch over the weekend so far.

Our son's many friends have been in and out all day Friday and yesterday. I know it was difficult for him to watch them leave, knowing they were off to the movies, parties, etc., and he couldn't go unless he cared to have his dad or me accompany him. Yeah...right!

He's kept up a running dialogue about who is still "ruining his/her life" because of pot and other drugs and who has given drugs up (like him...he says). The only time he baulked was yesterday when a couple of friends, one of whom is in the still-ruining-his-life category and one who is not (the driver) were, we thought, walking down to the intersection at the end of our street where there is a fast-food place, although it turned out that they were driving.

We had been told that he needed to be under our supervision, so we had limited him to dropping by our neighbors' homes, but only if they were within our eyesight and only for a few minutes.

When he asked if he could go with the two friends to buy a hamburger, we okayed it since it was so close but told him that he needed to be back in a few minutes.

After ten minutes went by, we began to get anxious. My husband drove down to the end of the street and called to tell me that the boys weren't there. I immediately called my son on his cell phone, and he told me he'd be home in a few seconds and that they had actually driven to a oriental fast-food place a mile away.

My husband and I were VERY annoyed. When he came in (with bags from the oriental place), he sent his friends to his room and apologized, saying that the driver had changed his mind about what he wanted to eat, and "How can I tell someone who's driving where he can or can't go?" I told him that that was probably the point of his PO telling him that he needed to be accompanied by his PARENTS rather his his friends, as we actually CARE about him keeping to the rules his PO set forth whereas his friends obviously don't!

I'm not certain just what his PO would have done, had she seen him out and about with two friends, even though he was only gone for fifteen minutes and there were no drugs or alcohol around.

Just another reminder that bending the rules, even a bit, doesn't work...

 

[everywoman]

CAMOM--
Please don't let your guard down. My son's friends were very supportive of his sober life for a while---but, when around drugs and alcohol, my son can't control himself----the hanging with friends, but not doing anything stupid lasted only a short while.
When he gets out this time, he will have a very strict parole from what he told husband. I will not bend the rules at all and report any violation. My son, and yours too, need to know that rules don't bend---they break---and then you go to jail.

 

[CAmom]

Katmom, yes, I can see that we can't let our gaurd down.

I'm not sure whether or not my son's friends are supportive of his choice or not, but, I'm worrying because he seems to want to challenge himself. He told me that, the last time he was home, if friends were going to smoke, he told them to go ahead and light up, just so he could prove that it didn't tempt him and that he could simply walk away.

I think this is a dangerous game, particularly because I don't really believe he would stay away from pot if he weren't on probation and subject to drug testing...

 

[SunnyFlorida]

All in all it sounds like your weekend went ok.

It does sound like your difficult child is trying. Ya know...that doesn't sound like too bad an idea to have him finish his schooling there. (rather than finishing at your local HS). That way he can move along to the next level (furthering his education) and leave the old friends along the way.

 

[KFld]

it's easy to stay clean and sober when you are in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and the right environment. The true test is being around your old friends and at that age it is extremeley difficult to stick to what you know you should be doing vs. what everyone else is doing. My son went into a few Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and as soon as he was back around his friends, he went right back to using, no matter how determined he was while in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to no go back to it.

You may want to seriously think about what his options are when he leaves Residential Treatment Center (RTC). You have just seen for yourself what it is going to be like when he comes home for good. Him leaving the house for 10 minutes made you anxious. Would you consider talking to him about soberhousing. My son is in a wonderful soberhouse now. He has lived there for almost 6 months and it is the longest he has remained clean. He only lives 20 minutes away from us, but he is in a house with clean and sober people, and far enough away from his old friends that he doesn't see them every time he walks out the door. Now his friends are his roommates in his house. He works full time, pays his rent and is learning to become a responsible adult. He plans on living there for a long time. I know he finds it so much easier to not have the influence of people who are using in his life. He learned from experience last year when he left a soberhouse after only a month and moved into an apartment with others from his house and they all relapsed one after another because they didn't have the supported they needed for long enough before going out on there own.

You could always talk to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about options when he leaves there. My son's set his soberhouse up for him so the day he left rehab, he went right to the soberhouse.

Just something to think about.

 

[Suz]

I'm glad to hear that overall the weekend went well.

Just as your son isn't allowed to break the rules, be careful of the "exceptions" that you make while he is in your custody because if discovered, they will be considered rule breakers,too. Since all three of you were told that he needed to be supervised 24/7, I expect that if the PO had seen him with his pals both he and YOU would have been in trouble because it didn't sound like any exceptions were allowed.

Rob's PO didn't give us any latitude with the rules for Rob's passes. He was very literal...and we had to be, too.

I would also encourage some kind of "step-down" program for him. When Rob was released, he went to a group home. He had more freedom there, could participate in dances, his prom and had a girl friend, etc. Your difficult child has only had one "earned" visit home---I don't see that he is anywhere near ready (expecially since he still broke a known rule when he was there) so I was surprised to read that he might be released soon.(?)

Rob was able to finish high school while he lived in the group home. It was wonderful to not have that monkey on our backs when he was released for good.

Suz

 

[CAmom]

Karen,

That's a good point. We haven't thought too much about post-Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because his release date is still a few months away. However, they have begun to start planning for his release, i.e., making sure that he will have a smooth transition in terms of any services he is currently receiving that he will need to continue to receive.

I understand that there also has to be a continuing education and/or job plan. This will all be monitored by his probation officer for a period of time which she feels is appropriate. All in all, I think we're going to get lots of support with the transition and afterwards. Or, at least it appears so.

 

[CAmom]

My son is actually in what they refer to a group home which may be different than an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), although I'm not sure what the difference is.

The boys there have comitted some sort of crime, i.e., stealing a car, breaking the terms of their probation, etc. Some have issues with drugs or alcohol, and some don't. The ones that do received drug/alcohol counseling. Some have mental health issues such as my son's possible bipolar, and a psychiatrist visits every couple of weeks to manage any medications. They all attend group and individual meetings with a therapist to discuss whatever issues they may have. They also attend a private school with other members from other houses which are part of this particular youth service.

I'm thinking this sounds more like the type of place Rob went after he was released?

This particular program typically lasts from six-to-nine months after which they are released home on a period of probation which I believe is as long as the PO feels necessary. The fact that my son broke rules has extended his stay from the original six to now nine months. Actually, he won't be coming home for another three to four months, so it isn't that soon.

As far as stretching the rules, you're right. We started by allowing him to go across the street for five minutes to say hello to neighbors. We can see that house from ours. Then, we allowed him to go visit another family three houses down. Both were for very brief, five-minute visits with people we've known his entire life. We felt that, even if his PO came by, she wouldn't object. The trip to the fast-food place was a stretch, as it is not within seeing distance, and we shouldn't have allowed it.

What made the visit difficult is that it was actually his second visit home. The first time, his easy child made the rules which were quite flexible. This time, however, probably partly because of the fact that he has broken rules and party because of "4/21," they were much more rigid.

It HAS been nice, not having to worry about what he's up to. We're certainly going to enjoy these last few months.

It sounds as though they've started the ball rolling as far as transitioning him home. There has to be an educational/work plan in place, therapy/counseling services set up, etc. It sounds as though we're going to have a lot of support once he's home, at least until he turns 18...

 

[KFld]

A few months is going to go by pretty quickly. Isn't it funny, maybe that isn't the right word to use, I don't really mean funny haha, but you know what I mean??? how months back you were so devestated that your son was removed from your home and how were you ever going to survive, and now the thought of him actually coming back home to live probably terrifies you just as much.
It in no way means we love them any less, just that we have learned to detatch with love and we have learned how to once again live a normal life.

I would definatley look into something beyond the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I think he has come to far and moving back home and you becoming the babysitter again will only be moving backwards for all of you.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm trying to think about the people on this board who's difficult child's have left home and come back, and how many who moved back home have actually been successful in becoming responsible adults compared to how many went right back to their old ways. I'm thinking most of the time they go back to their old ways. I know mine would have.

 

[jbrain]

Karen,
you are right in my case at least. My difficult child 1 was at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for nearly 9 months and went back to her old ways when she returned (after a "honeymoon" phase). She also went back to many of her old ways after her dual diagnosis rehab--came home all full of great plans only to never implement any of them. I don't think she would ever have gotten a job had she not been living away from our house and had to do it. Of course, in our case we were dealing with someone who has had mental health problems since age 3. Maybe with a "rebellious teen" type situation it would be different.
Jane

 

[CAmom]

Karen, it is "funny" (I know EXACTLY what you meant...) about how we have managed to adjust to what seemed like an intolerable situation six months ago. I don't feel guilty in the least that we've managed to do this--in retrospect, we were SO co-dependent that our day-to-day lives were farily miserable. Who'd want to go back to THAT sort of existence again...

We've told our son that, when he does come home (a couple of weeks before he turns 18...), he'll be expected to go on to community college (probably NOT happening as school has never been a happy experience for him) or trade school (he's interested) or get a job. He can live at home as long as he's being compliant with the above and no drugs. We've always promised him a car for graduation, although we've made it clear all along that his use of the car will be dependent on whether or not he is complying with all the above.

We're going to be provided with family counseling prior to his return and are going to take that opportunity to put all of this in a family "contract" (we've done this in the past, and doing so was a joke, really). Living at home and the use of a car are going to be dependent on his keeping to the contract.

I have a degree of hope that some of what he's learned in this nine-month program will actually rub off and stick and think SOME has already done so. For example, when he first went into the group home, he asked us to bring him a certain soft drink and snack he loves. Going overboard, as usual, I would bring a couple of six-packs of the drink and several bags of his snack mix every week when we visited. Eventually, his easy child asked us not to do this as he wanted our son to earn his status, thus earning his snacks, along with everyone else. At first, this REALLY p-ssed him off, and he complained bitterly about the "unfairness" of it. When he was home last weekend and we were out together at a grocery store, I asked him if he wanted me to buy some of those drinks and snacks to take back since he was on status, and it would be allowed. He declined and said, "Mom, this has nothing to do with my status--we're on a daily point program and, if we earn enough points, I can shop for our OWN snacks using my OWN money. If you buy me these, and I take them back, they'll think you're still treating me like a baby!" Now I know this is a VERY baby step but it does give me hope.

Well, nonetheless, I know very well that life in his group home is nothing like the reality he will face when he's home and out in the "real" world with no PO and easy child to monitor his activities.

 

[KFld]

Just the fact that he doesn't want to look like you are treating him like a baby in front of others by sending him back with things that in the beginning he wanted, looks like a good sign to me. Hopefully they will stick when he gets home.

I just know with my difficult child, even when he comes to visit for a weekend for holidays etc., doesn't understand why he has to be home at a certain time, or let me know if he's not coming home, when the house he's in has probably stricter rules then he has to abide by when visiting, and he has no problem following those. He has a curfew there during the week, and on weekends. He's only allowed to sleep out on Friday and Saturday nights, and if he's not going home he needs to let somebody know. He knows if he breaks these rules, he isn't dealing with his mommy, he's dealing with a house manager who won't think twice about telling him to pack his bags and leave. Amazing they can follow these rules for others, but when we suggest them, we are being rediculous!!

 

[CAmom]

In our son's case, I was totally an enabler, always wanting things to be "nice," and he learned that all he had to do was make things "un-nice" to get what he wanted.

I know, in his case, if he feels he doesn't have to follow rules, it's because getting around them always worked in the past. This has been his main issue in the group home over the past five months because he's tried and knows now that they aren't going to wiggle, bend, or break no matter HOW much he pleads, bargains, or threatens.

He didn't push the limits except once over this last weekend, but I can see that I've got to get even stronger over the next few months before he comes home for good.

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: CAmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">but I can see that I've got to get even stronger over the next few months before he comes home for good. </div></div>

You certainly have come a long way baby!!!!

 

[CAmom]

Karen, you've got THAT right...but, I'm not sure it's going to be enough.

It's SO much easier to be strong when I'm not face to face with those huge green eyes in that innocent face--that look which I'm sure he's gotten fine-tuned to an art form!

 

[KFld]

You really should get yourselves involved in alanon or some kind of support program before he comes home. You will need something to help you stay strong when you are faced with the day to day stuff that you have gotten used to not having to deal with over the last months. Like you said, it will be different when you are face to face with those big green eyes and innocent face.