How will she ever manage to survive on her own?
- Thread starter Nancy
- Start date
Update - difficult child came over yesterday to do laundry and to get help in sorting out her bills. I had her bring all her bills for the past year, many that she never opened. She has an accordian folder marked with Utilities, Pay stubs, Medical Bills, Insurance, etc and she brought that too. We organized everything marking that was paid and when.
Trying out my new plan we rollplayed what she would say when calling the various companies she owed money to. The city that charged her a $25 penalty for underpaying her city taxes by $23 agreed to waive the charge. This was stupid anyway because she only made $9,000 last year and it was an error and she paid it as soon as they got the bill to her correct address and after she paid it they sent another bill with the penalty. I told her that she would just have to pay it if they wouldn't agree to removing it because she never wants to owe any taxes but she did a good job in explaining it and the woman agreed to remove the penalty.
The next bill was for the gas which she is over $200 past due and current bill brings it to $400. She had made payment arrangements but they never put it in the computer so she got a letter demanding full payment and an additional $83 deposit on top of the $110 deposit they already have. The service rep would not give in and told her she didn't stick to the original payment plan because she made it in seperate payments and paid more than she was suppose to. At that I had to take over, couldn't help myself. I pointed out to this idiot that I worked for the telephone company for 15 years and when we made payment arrangements with someone and they paid on time and paid more than they were suppose to we appaluded them and were very happy we could help them get back on track. I then asked to talk to her supervisor and she was gone for 10 minutes before she came back and said they figured out a way to remove the deposit????? When I asked how that way was she said they figured out how to remove it in the computer. I laughed and said I couldn't believe we were arguing over a computer entry and she would have been better to come back and tell me that they agreed to remove the deposit because difficult child was making the payments that were agreed upon.
There was much more to this conversation including her constantly interrupting me and telling me difficult child should apply for a government program called PIP that would limit her bills to a certain percentage of her salary. I just about lost it at this point and told her we already checked into that program and difficult child does not qualify and furthermore they would be charging her more under that program than her actual bills.
All in all difficult child did a good job and we talked about her not getting behind anymore and she agreed that trying to sort it out like this was difficult and she should have called the companies when she first fell behind.
I don't know how I knew how to handle bills and inquiries and such when I was her age. I just did. I paid attention to my parents and how they paid bills and how they managed their lives. I watched my mother iron and just started doing it. I learned how to stick a screwdriver in the carburator to unflood a car. I was so much more aware of things. I knew when things made sense and when they didn't and I wasn't afraid to advocate for myself. But then I didn't spend my entire adolescence and yougng adult life hiding things and running from people.
Trying out my new plan we rollplayed what she would say when calling the various companies she owed money to. The city that charged her a $25 penalty for underpaying her city taxes by $23 agreed to waive the charge. This was stupid anyway because she only made $9,000 last year and it was an error and she paid it as soon as they got the bill to her correct address and after she paid it they sent another bill with the penalty. I told her that she would just have to pay it if they wouldn't agree to removing it because she never wants to owe any taxes but she did a good job in explaining it and the woman agreed to remove the penalty.
The next bill was for the gas which she is over $200 past due and current bill brings it to $400. She had made payment arrangements but they never put it in the computer so she got a letter demanding full payment and an additional $83 deposit on top of the $110 deposit they already have. The service rep would not give in and told her she didn't stick to the original payment plan because she made it in seperate payments and paid more than she was suppose to. At that I had to take over, couldn't help myself. I pointed out to this idiot that I worked for the telephone company for 15 years and when we made payment arrangements with someone and they paid on time and paid more than they were suppose to we appaluded them and were very happy we could help them get back on track. I then asked to talk to her supervisor and she was gone for 10 minutes before she came back and said they figured out a way to remove the deposit????? When I asked how that way was she said they figured out how to remove it in the computer. I laughed and said I couldn't believe we were arguing over a computer entry and she would have been better to come back and tell me that they agreed to remove the deposit because difficult child was making the payments that were agreed upon.
There was much more to this conversation including her constantly interrupting me and telling me difficult child should apply for a government program called PIP that would limit her bills to a certain percentage of her salary. I just about lost it at this point and told her we already checked into that program and difficult child does not qualify and furthermore they would be charging her more under that program than her actual bills.
All in all difficult child did a good job and we talked about her not getting behind anymore and she agreed that trying to sort it out like this was difficult and she should have called the companies when she first fell behind.
I don't know how I knew how to handle bills and inquiries and such when I was her age. I just did. I paid attention to my parents and how they paid bills and how they managed their lives. I watched my mother iron and just started doing it. I learned how to stick a screwdriver in the carburator to unflood a car. I was so much more aware of things. I knew when things made sense and when they didn't and I wasn't afraid to advocate for myself. But then I didn't spend my entire adolescence and yougng adult life hiding things and running from people.
Ummm....
Nancy?
MOST OF US never learned hard skills just by observation.
Social stuff, yes, "most" people pick up on.
But... using a screwdriver to unflood a carb? Ummm... I was TAUGHT all sorts of car self-help and never picked up on that, even though I'm sure Dad did it (he was super handy that way).
Part of the challenge may be that you're gifted at picking up on details.
I am hardly gifted Insane. The ironing is easy, not difficult to observe and mimic and when dad needs a uniform shirt ironed for work and mom is working you just do it. I will admit the screwdriver trick dad taught me and you can't do it on cars now, I am showing my age on this one.
I don't think it's picking up on details, I think it's a desire to learn how to take care of myself. I just always knew there would come a time when I would no longer have my parents to take care of me, that I would have to do that for myself. I had that awareness that difficult child doesn't seem to have, awareness of the future and what that entails. difficult child lives for today, I truly believe that is the difference.
I don't think it's picking up on details, I think it's a desire to learn how to take care of myself. I just always knew there would come a time when I would no longer have my parents to take care of me, that I would have to do that for myself. I had that awareness that difficult child doesn't seem to have, awareness of the future and what that entails. difficult child lives for today, I truly believe that is the difference.
StressedM0mma
Active Member
Nancy, I am so glad that she took some responsibility and tried to work on the bills. She is putting in an effort. I will let you in on a little secret, I had no idea how to balance a checkbook until I was married. My mom paid the bills, and I was never involved with that. It was all private. I still have no idea how much money my parents made/make. When I went to college, my parents helped me set up a savings acct with a debit card. No checking. And, I am still terrible with a checkbook.
I know your difficult child has other "issues" but does she have any social anxiety? I do, and so does difficult child. Hers is far worse than mine. She has a difficult time even ordering her own food at a restaurant. And, if she needs a to go box? Forget it. She tries, but it takes everything she has to ask. Mine is more on the phone. I have a really hard time making phone calls and asking about things. I can stand in front of a group of people and talk all about what I do, but hand me a phone and I sound like a big doofus.
Regardless of what is happening, I am so happy that she is doing well, and taking steps forward.
I know your difficult child has other "issues" but does she have any social anxiety? I do, and so does difficult child. Hers is far worse than mine. She has a difficult time even ordering her own food at a restaurant. And, if she needs a to go box? Forget it. She tries, but it takes everything she has to ask. Mine is more on the phone. I have a really hard time making phone calls and asking about things. I can stand in front of a group of people and talk all about what I do, but hand me a phone and I sound like a big doofus.
Regardless of what is happening, I am so happy that she is doing well, and taking steps forward.
everywoman
Well-Known Member
My easy child text me Monday "Mommy, I don't feel good...." I text back "I'm sorry." Her fiance was out of town, and I think she just needed to tell someone, anyone, how horrible she felt. I think we all need a little mothering from time to time.
I had an epiphany while reading this thread. I know we talk about detachment, but to us, what does that look like? I think we often practice detachment when they aren't "doing" the things they should or "doing" the things they shouldn't. We attach our care as a mother to their behaviors, and we condition them that if they are doing "right" then we will provide XYZ. Realistically, I don't know how fair that is. We don't want to see them fail, but growth only comes from falling down and getting back up again. What message do we send to them by helping them out in any situation?
We can't expect our children to behave like adults when we continue to treat them like children. As an adult, we are responsible for our own choices. And each of those choices come with consequences---good and bad. We are distraught and detach when they make poor choices. When they make good choices, we attach and praise and help them dig themselves out of the mess they created with the bad choices, hoping they've learned their lesson. I think that sends a mixed message to them. Do they think we only "love" them when they are being good adults? And do we tie our love to them through material things?
Believe me, I'm preaching to myself here because I am equally guilty of doing this.
I had an epiphany while reading this thread. I know we talk about detachment, but to us, what does that look like? I think we often practice detachment when they aren't "doing" the things they should or "doing" the things they shouldn't. We attach our care as a mother to their behaviors, and we condition them that if they are doing "right" then we will provide XYZ. Realistically, I don't know how fair that is. We don't want to see them fail, but growth only comes from falling down and getting back up again. What message do we send to them by helping them out in any situation?
We can't expect our children to behave like adults when we continue to treat them like children. As an adult, we are responsible for our own choices. And each of those choices come with consequences---good and bad. We are distraught and detach when they make poor choices. When they make good choices, we attach and praise and help them dig themselves out of the mess they created with the bad choices, hoping they've learned their lesson. I think that sends a mixed message to them. Do they think we only "love" them when they are being good adults? And do we tie our love to them through material things?
Believe me, I'm preaching to myself here because I am equally guilty of doing this.
