Hi Ithurtz,
Thank you for your kindness.
When I had the session with my therapist last week, she indicated that some addicted people regress into behavior similar to a toddler, that they want to be cared for and taken care off. She says he seems to acting like that. I think that is what destresses me the most, that he will not do anything about his situation.
“Behavior similar to a toddler.” They want their cake and eat it too. But they are not toddlers, they are adults. We wont be around forever to pick up the crumbs.
My two are the same, they won’t do anything about their situations. They don’t want to. I can’t for the life of me imagine living as they do, but that’s me, not them. For whatever reason, they have chosen living on the streets, in parks, under bridges, over conventional living. I don’t like it, but have no control over what they choose. While fretting and worrying over them, they settled into a vagabond lifestyle without a care. I hope that your son chooses differently, but if he doesn’t, that is his choice. No amount of stress on your part will change that.
I still think he feels he's been dealt a bad deal in life and somehow wants me to pay for that.
There was a point on this journey where my two would say outright “I am this way because of you.” I realized after some time that what mattered was if I believed that, if I fed into that rhetoric with my own reaction and response, they doubled down on trying to guilt trip me. They were trying to pass the consequences of their choices over to me. It’s far easier to blame others, than to take an honest look in the mirror. In a moment of clarity during rehab, Tornado said “Mom, what Rain and I have gone through is not your fault.” Huh.
Our responsibility now is far different then it was when they were little. Our responsibility now is to get out of the way.. And let them with their own resources to do the work of maturing and healing. Of taking responsibility to play out their lives, their cards, in the best way that they can. What I am saying here, is to try your hardest to not succumb to your son's extortion or blackmail. Why? Because it hurts him if you do.
Tornado has repeatedly said to me through the years “All I need to do is come home.” I have had to tell her the truth, that she did not do better at home, that there are far more appropriate resources available that can help her get on her feet. That used to hurt to say no, until I found this to be true, she has way more help through various agencies. She has shuffled in and out of rehabs and programs, that if she completed, would have housed her in sober living, provided classes, vocational training, etc. I have not put one cent into those resources. She is an adult and is able to apply for financial aid to access treatment, if she chooses to. I have fallen prey to her calls from rehab a few times “I need clothes, candy, etc.” because I felt at the time, if she is in rehab trying to get sober, I would help a bit. That turned out to be a ploy. She had most of that available to her.
This has reaffirmed my conviction that I am not her “safety net.” I have told her that my “help” has not helped her. It’s true. If I am too involved, she stagnates. She slowly becomes more dependent, manipulative, and the cycle continues. She doesn’t claim ownership of her responsibility and accountability for her poor choices. It does not help her take her focus off of relying on me to solve her problems. She is capable of stepping up. But, if I am in rescue mode, her motivation to be self sufficient goes out the window.
The tricky part is how to engage, or not, with our adult wayward children. We love them. How do we strengthen ourselves as to not fall victim to their toddler like whims? With that, I must say that I was a bit perturbed at the analogy your therapist use of “toddler behavior”. While true, I think it struck a chord with me because part of my over involvement was just that, I wasn’t seeing them as adults. They were my kids, and I was willing to do whatever it took to try to pull them up out of the rabbit hole. It has taken years of chaos and drama for me to get that imagery out of my head and heart. Years to let go and understand that my wayward adult kids will choose as they do. I’m still here on CD writing to share what I am learning with others, and to guard my heart, but also to remind myself of the work I must do, to keep my sanity and live the best possible life I can, no matter what my two choose. Rain is going to be 45, Tornado 36.
The remedy for me, is to understand that I cannot put my life on hold waiting for my two to fix their problems. Interestingly, my 16 year old granddaughter has been modeling that for quite some time. Both of her parents have been grossly negligent of their responsibilities due to active addiction. Despite all she has been through, she has resolved to live her life, excel in school and set goals for herself. I don’t think she realizes how much her strength and resilience has helped me.
Keep working on building yourself up, Ithurtz. Take one day, one step at a time. We can’t change our adult kids, but we can change ourselves.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
I liken it to 2 steps forward, 3 back. When on my better days, full of strength and I got this attitude but then, next day or week/month, always that crash.
