Husband has an adult child that was adopted.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by kim75062, Aug 20, 2017.

  1. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    where to begin! This will be a long post and I apologize in advance if I get it out of order.

    So hubby of 17 years has an adult daughter. She's 22 now and living out of state with her adopted parents. She contacted him via Facebook a few days ago. I'm very supportive of him and his child building a relationship and our children also with their sibling. I've told him for years that she would be accepted with open arms at anytime she felt she wanted too. After all she is part of him and our children together so there's no way I could not have just as much love for her as my own.

    First a little history. Yes he knew about her and so did I. Her mother choose to hide her pregnancy from him and they split up etc. after a few month bad relationship. he didn't know she was his until the child was around 2. Then they decided to try to make it work as a family. Move out of state and start over. That lasted all of maybe a month.

    *mother at this time has older child (4 years old I think), his child 2 and infant son from failed abusive marriage she was fleeing from.*

    They moved and again could not get along at all so mom split with some new guy.

    A few months later I meet hubby and fell completely in young teenage puppy love with him. Still hasn't changed :)

    About 6 months later hubby finds her and child because he got court papers in the mail from child protection. *Now mom has newborn twins also.*

    Being very young and very neive (and broke) he listened to mother and mothers attorney. He did not try for custody because mom was getting the kids back in a few weeks and it wouldn't be good to split the siblings up.

    Plus I just found out I was a pregnant teen at this time.***boy where we stupid young people***

    Anyway almost a year later he's still had no contact with his child. He was never informed he had visitation rights and really didn't know better. At this time I have a newborn baby, and child protection has already taken away the mothers parental rights. Child protect told my husband and myself that if he choose to go for custody he would lose and they would include our daughter in the case and take his rights from him for both of them. He was scared to death to lose another child so he signed the papers.

    Maybe 5 years and a lot of growing up later we realized how wrong the entire situation was and that he could still go for custody etc. per an attorney we hired to consult this mess with. After a lot of long hard conversations we decided that the child did not know him, and was being raised by a very loving family that adopted her as their only child. We also lived across the country at this point. If was in her best interest to stay where she was.

    He has filed the form for years on how to contact him if she ever wanted to find him with all his info. She finally did a few days ago.

    They have been talking (mostly texting through skype) all day pretty much since.

    Now the problems I'm having. We have 3 children together, the oldest 2 are teens and do and have known of her existence for years now. They are eager to talk to and meet her etc. my youngest has no clue and truthfully wouldn't understand at this point. I'm waiting for him to meet her in person to help him figure it out. So far they haven't even talked yet but I told them to give her and her dad a few days to process this before adding more new family members. She found her mother, father and oldest sister all the same day. They completely understand.

    Now my biggest problem, you guessed it, the Ex. Now I knew the ex before I even knew the hubby. I have my own personal reasons for disliking her that has nothing to do with this current situation.

    Beyond that the mother thought it would be a great idea to start a family group chat on skype with hubby, herself, their child together, older sister of shared child and that ones bio dad. I'm not sure why she thought adding a bunch of grown ups that truly couldn't stand each to a chat with these fragile adult children was a good idea but she did. Bio mom is single bio dads both married. Bio mom was bringing up the past and flirting with both dads. Which ended in them fighting with each other.

    Now my hubby has a very flirtatious personality and it truly does not bother me most of the time. I told him him needs to leave the past in the past and get along with bio mom for the sake of the adult child and any future grandchildren. He took that as be friends. He said some things to her that did piss me off and as usual had not a clue how what he said could of been perceived by others(bio mom). That ended in him saying he's not going to talk to the bio mom again. Not what I was going for but I'm fine with that for now.

    So my biggest concern is what is an appropriate level of contact they (hubby and bio mom) should have? I mean it's not like there's a small child envolved and visitation etc. I really have no clue because it's not abnormal situation to be in I guess.

    Next what is my role in all of this? I so far have stayed out of it because that child really doesn't have anything to do with me. And I don't know what I should or shouldn't be envolved with anyway. She does want to come here to meet him etc. and I am fine with that. I'm the one that suggested it to start with.

    She's not on great terms with her adoptive parents at this point. They had a bio child 6 years ago and her side of the story is they haven't treated her the same since. Which could be true, but she was also in the peak of being a teenager at the time and used to being the only child so I'm sure there's more to it.

    Also Hubby did send a message to adoptive parents thanking them for all they have done for her he couldn't at the time and assured them he is in no way trying to replace them as her parents. Just adding the missing branch from her family tree.

    I know a lot of you here have adopted grown children and hopefully have some words of wisdom for me as to how you felt with the bio parents and maybe some pointers to not mess it up.
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Wow, Kim. That's a lot to wrap a mind around, for sure. I think since the daughter is grown, that there is no reason your husband has to talk to her biomother. There may come a time in the future where he may need to be around her for his daughter's sake, like a wedding or a funeral. He only needs to be courteous and civil.

    I know your youngest is struggling right now. I don't think I would clue him in on the reality yet. He's too young. I wouldn't keep it a secret, maybe just not fully explain what he won't comprehend.

    My brother is adopted and has never wanted to meet his birth parents, so I don't have much to add. I think if you are being supportive of your husband that is all you need to do at the moment. They will figure out where to go from here. Good for you for wanting him to know his daughter.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Thanks :)

    My biggest thing with telling my son is he just turned 7. Has lots of issues one being ADHD and no patience. His new sister has the same name as his cousin that he loves to death, is close in age to him and that he sees daily. Somehow I feel I'm going to mess it up and he's going to think his cousin is his sister lol which he would love to be true anyway lol I hoping for an in person meeting before the end of the year. I think he will do better when there's a person to go with the name and explanation.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    It would be nice iyour husband would say...I want you to meet my wife, I am sure you two will hit it off when you get a chance to meet.

    Biomom can have her own relationship with her daughter. She sounds a little flaky, and if she upsets the daughter, your husband wouldn't want to be included in that relationship. Better to have his own, in case it doesn't work out with biomom.

    Good luck.
  5. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    He has to daughter. She asked about me and her siblings etc. was told by hubby that she is welcome and loved by us all. I have not talked to his daughter yet because it's only been a few days. I want to give them that time to reconnect and bond alone.

    I told our older daughters the same thing. They are 18 and 15 and completely understand. They both said they've had dad their entire lives and it's her turn to get to know him first. His child has our children's Facebook account info and can contact them whenever she's ready.
  6. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    And as for biomom, she has a total of 6 kids with 5 different men all within about a 7-8 year span. None of which she has raised.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My best friend met her bio. Family. It was a long, hard road to acceptance from all. But she was mature and 37 and not all her half sibs were happy at firstand it certainly was not a big happy reunion. It was touch and go. And adopted mother was not accepting and she loved her adoptive family a lot. It was a head trip for her.
    I would simplify it. Let hub know daughter first rather than overwhelming her and your family all at have no idea if she is nice, stable, sober, honest, sincere etc. You do not know how it will go.

    Bio. Mom has no place in the relationship on any deep level. Keep her and other fringe players out. Dont complicate an already complicated situation by adding non essential bit players. You dont know THEIR motives. Just dad and bio. Daughter. That is enough. Dont Skype the whole clan again. Overwhelming and not necessary.

    Hub needs to control the flirting. This woman is not just the lady at a party who is flattered. This is the mother of a child of his...he is capable of controlling himself. Or, if not, he isnt ready for this daughter.
    My friend calls meeting her birth family the hardest experience of her life. It never was 100% perfect, but with years it got better...largely because friend is loving, giving, wise and forgiving. Her birthmothers husband was an awesome man in the end and actually pulled everyone together...but not before once trying to get her into bed as he saw her as a lovely younger version of his wife. That incident almost blew it apart, but it actually was able to be forgiven by friend.

    Have realistic expectations. Go slow. Baby steps. Dont throw her in the family swimming pool with all the others right away. This messed up the birth familys stability too for several years and this was a stable family...dont get romantic notions of bliss. Complicated situartions are rarely easy, even if they seem like they will be at first. I would seek a family therapy session before the meeting with you and hub. My friend met her birthfamily in a therspists office and the first time it ended in tears and anger from all. The hurt was not expected. My friend was temporarily destroyed.

    This will likely take time and work. Maybe daughter wants dont know anything yet. Nothing. Somebody else raised her. She has deep ties. She has a family. Maybe, as in most families, she is youthfully upset with her parents. That doesbt mean she doesnt love them derply. Or worse want something materially from bio. Dad. Bio. Mom could be behind out. You dont know the back story. My friend did not even tell the person she considers her real mom (her adoptive mother) that she was looking for bio. Mom until she had already met her, and the two women saw one another maybe three times. I am suspicios that this bio. Mother wants something from you and is egging on her daughter in order to get it.

    Go slow, go slow, go slow.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2017
  8. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Thank you SWOT I was hoping you'd see this post ❤️.

    Yes I'm sure there will be difficulties in the near future, unfortunately these situations don't come with an instruction manual so I really can't predict or prepare for them.

    I did go through her Facebook page and it seems she's had some depression issues ties to a friends untimely death. And also just her circumstances in life. She's always know she was adopted but has no memory of any life before being adopted.

    I can empathize for her, I can't imagine growing up in a home where I don't look like anyone in my family and not having any other adoptee in the home that feeling of being alone because no one else would be going through what she was at the time. the constant struggle of looking at strangers in the street wondering if there's a reason they have the "same" eyes and chin as me. I must of been hard for her even with a loving family.

    Her adoptive mother is supportive of her finding her biological family. We invited daughter and her adoptive mom to come visit for Christmas. It seemend strange to only invite only the child across the country to a strange place meet strange people.? I mean really for all she knows we could all be the nut jobs lol

    Daughter did send me a friend request on Facebook last night thanking me for accepting her into our family so willingly. I told her there's no way I could not accept her and have love for her. I also let her know that her siblings have known of her for a few years and have been waiting for her to contact them. I then ensured her that no one from our part of the family has any expectations of her and to do things in a pace that's comfortable for her. I wanted to make sure she knows that we are not going anywhere and there's no reason to try to make up for lost time when we have the entire future to look forward to.

    As for hubbys flirting, i guess if what he said would of been to anyone else it would not of been considered flirting? It's hard to really say with out actually typing out an entire conversation lol after I reminded him he was talking to a single women that was his ex and that they had a child together he got it. Sometimes I think he's so used to be married and being around other married people that he doesn't realize when he puts his foot in his mouth.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My adopted kids do not walk around feeling sad about being adopted. They all say they had great childhoods, even Bart (he wasnt adopted but he mopes the most). All of my adopted kids have been told we woukd help them search. None have. They have thought about being adopted, but are not consumed. I hope to see Jumpers birthmother once again. I love her to death.

    As for this young lady, I think it is smart to assume that with all her moves in early years and a history of a bio. Mom who was very promisuois, you cant kn3ow how much she is genetically her mom and how messed up she could be from the instability of her first five years where she was passed around then relinquished for good.

    See how it goes. Right now her real parents are her adoptive parents. I will bet her life has been difficult, not because of being adopted as much as because her early years, whether her conscious mind remembers or not, were a mess. The first three years are critical to later stability and attachment. Not saying for sure she will be a mess, but she has red flags and bio. Mom is not out for bio. Mom her to be a problem.

    This situation is complicated. Dont rush into it until hub knows what he is dealing with.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2017
  10. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Oh I'm sure her early life has had a huge negative impact on her. Luckily she has been with the same stable parents since she was 3 or 4 years old.

    As for bio mom, I know she's going to be the cause of many problems. When all those kids were very little the mom bounced them around from place to place and a "new daddy" with each new place. One of the many reasons I had disliked her before I even knew my hubby.

    Hubby has made it very clear to her that he is biologically her father but she already has a mom and dad. And that he is not going to do anything that would jeopardize the relationship she has with her parents, but at the same time knows she is an adult and will make her own choices.

    So far hubby and her adoptive parents seem to be on the same page with it all. In a perfect world we would be an extension of the family she already has and everyone will get along great. But I know we don't live in that world so I'm going to sit back and cautiously wait for something horrible to happen.
  11. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    So there's very little reading I've found on biological father/family and adoptee reunions. I've read what I could find and many from the birthmothers perspective also because there's a ton on that subject.

    Me and hubby have been talking and there's really no right solution to our current dilemma so we want to make the best choice?

    Bio daughter wants to meet hubby and me and siblings. So we invited her and her mom (adopted mom, side note* seems strange to have to add the adjective in front of the title to this women who earned the title of mom so for future posts mom or dad will mean the adopted parents and ill add bio in front of hubby and his ex) to come here in a few months around Christmas time. One so there's enough time to get to know each other and mentally process it all first, and 2 because the holidays seem to have the magical way of making people really want to get along with each other, at least until after New Years anyway lol

    Turns out mom doesn't want to come with daughter here but is fine with her coming on her own(strange to me?). So after talking and rethinking things, we thought maybe we should all go there instead? It would be incredibly unfair to fly this young women across the country to meet a group of related strangers without her having some kind of support system for herself.

    Then we said maybe hubby should go there alone just for a few days to get the initial first meeting out of the way (it sounds cold and business like and I don't mean it to but I can't find a way to word it better). Second meeting are always easier for everyone envolved in any other relationship. But then there he is all alone also with no support system, which from knowing him for years he will need. He is extremely emotional and bottles it all up until he can't hold no more. He also has some anxiety issues to begin with and is deathly afraid he is going to mess it all up alone and she will never want to see him again or meet her siblings.

    So next thought is we ALL go there, (it's a major tourist area) get one of those big 3 br villas and spend a week. Giving everyone enough space and her a safe place to retreat to (home) if she needs to. The plan so far is to have them have their first meeting in a safe neutral public place for a brief time and hopefully continue to the vist for the next few days if she feels comfortable.

    At the same time if all goes horribly wrong we will be in one of the best tourist destinations in the country so I should be able to easily distract our children from all that's going wrong.

    Hubby thinks support groups and counselers are all a "fraud" like fortune tellers. In his mind there's no way a complete stranger could ever know how to help you live your life.

    But in all this he actually asked me to "ask those moms (that's you guys lol) what they would do". Knowing many of you have adopted children.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There is no one answer. In these situations sometimes second meetings can be worse and there is NO WAY everyone will all be comfortable. I think meeting everyone is a bad idea...your daughters may not be as thrilled about this stranger getting all this attention as you and they think they will be. Nor do I feel its best for bio. Dad to invite himself there to their Christmas. Its family time. You dont know each other.

    I would keep it simple. Dad and her. Period. See how it goes. It takes months to know how it will go. Daughter may be inwardly very angry at him. With my friend, both sides deteriorated as the two sided anger erupted. It was not apoarent at first. The anger showed up after time. My friend's oldest half sister was jeaous as all get go of this new person who suddnly made her no longer the oldest. And my friend is beautiful and smart. This half suster lost her oldest child status was not as pretty and charming as my friend. They still are strained twenty years later. My friend never called her birthmom Mom. Mom was adopted mom. She called birthmom by her first name. She called birthmom's husband by his first name. The two families did not bond. There were tears,resentment and jealousy on all sides.

    If not for birthmother's husband, who was not related to her, this birth family would not have ever somewhat come together. He was the mediator, in spite of his one slip of trying to sleep with her. My friend's children truly bonded with and loved this man the very most of all. He made sure my friend was included in the will...they were wealthy. The man was not DNA related but ended up the most beloved of all.

    This was very hard, took years, forgiveness and ups and downs. It turned out that friend was stronger than the other women in her DNA family and theyball started coming to her for advice, rides and favors. It drove her nuts. She felt overwhelmed and had her other family too who resented birth family. She did not tell each family when she saw the other to avoid jealousy.

    Reading other stories wont tell you how things will turn out for you. It is very complicated with no right or wrong way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesnt. It often csuses chaos.

    I do believe less people, more calm and time to get acquainted and I dont think Christmas will help. I would wait for calmer times, after the holidays. No offense, but I dont think you should be there. This is between them. You can be there for him after the meeting. She may want to see Dad alone.

    Good luck. Dont waste time overthinking..there is no great solution. Less people is the only thing I feel will help. Less people, less complications. More people, more complications. Dont rush this.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2017
  13. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    thanks SWOT :) I really do value your input on this.

    So far there seems to be no issues between kids. They have been talking via Facebook messenger about what most teens talk about, you tube, books, and games etc.

    As for my oldest she has always known she was not the oldest and I don't foresee that as being a problem. She is VERY much a daddies girl though and I am waiting for the jealousy to come to a head. She insists that shes fine with it all and is even annoyed that I asked her if she was having any of these feelings.

    Next daughter is still the "middle" child so that didn't change lol She also has known this day may come and was and is excited about it all still. I'm not to sure on the jealousy thing with her yet, shes more of a mommys girl then daddys but who knows.

    Youngest (difficult child) has no clue, I showed him her picture and asked him what he thought of the girl in the picture without saying who she was. He looked at it and then at me and said "its another (my oldest daughters name)" rolled his eyes and ran away making ghost noises lol they do look VERY alike and I don't think he was impressed that there might possibly be another one of "her" to boss him around :)

    I do realize that kids seem to think that new siblings born now or reappearing from the past will some how make the parents have to divide their love again. Like its a certain size piece that gets cut up or something. Theres really no way to explain to a child that that's just not how it works until they have there own kids and feel it for themselves. I know when I had my first I was more in love with her then any other person on this planet from before she was even born and couldn't comprehend how it would be possible to love anyone else as much. then her sister was born a few years later and it all made sense to me. The heart just keeps getting fuller and theres always room for more :)

    as for the timing, i was figuring more just sometime December (its the off season for tourists) not actually Christmas itself. But maybe that's a bad idea, I don't know. We where planning a family trip this year anyway, no real plans yet and it just seemed to make sense.

    I was NOT planning on being there for their initial meeting. That should be a private time between them alone. I was thinking being there for him as in a short drive away as opposed to across the country. Also I would not invite myself into that relationship or the ones with the siblings. If they need me obviously I would be there but otherwise I am fine sitting on the side lines waiting to pick up the pieces that I hope I never have to.

    His daughter was told that we will never discuss the details of her dysfunctional past ( her BIOmom has already told her things she does not need to know that have nothing to do with her anyway). There is no reason for her to know all the details and it will not do anything to help her with who she is today.There will be no "what ifs" or trying to make up all the lost years. He knows that its impossible to do and will only lead to problems with let downs etc. He has been waiting and somewhat mentally preparing for this to happen for years but never really believed it would. From the moment she sent him that first message everything that he had prepared himself for was gone. He was at a loss for words and is just starting to regain his sense again.

    From the first message she sent him she called him dad, which I found as very odd. I think she definitely has some attachment disorder but its to soon to really tell. Its been a week now and shes made no mention of her dad so far, only her mom. For all we know she may not have a dad in her life. Hubby does not want to push for any information or hard questions figuring she will share when shes ready.

    Do you think him going there alone is the best idea out of the bunch at this point?
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I honestly don't think a family trip is a bad idea. As long as you manage the meeting time with your husband and adopted D appropriately so your kids don't feel giped of his time. Also that Dad has time to decompress post meeting would be important factors. She having a home base and he having family support at hand is kind of a nice thought. Manage it well and it looks like you are thinking ahead. Pre Christmas on a school break might be ok. But if things go poorly the fall out could interfere with the holidays for everyone.
    I agree with SWOT. Every situation is so unique and different. Don't you wish there was a easy button for this stuff?
    Best of luck with your decision.
  15. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I totally agree get out of this odd chat room it's nit let's make a new family. Focus on meeting his daughter. That's enough to manaage without adding the let all chat dynamic to this new situation.
  17. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Oh he did that same day. Buried emotions were running high that day for sure. All it took was me asking him if he remembered why they are exs and he figured it out quickly.

    Biomom is a selfish, manipulative and unstable person. Time can change people and REALLY hope it has but I'm not counting on it.
  18. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Also I told hubby to direct the blame toward me for leaving the chat group. It was literally there first day of contact. He told her that he said some things that upset his wife and thinks it's better to have a relationship of their own without her biomom Involved. Daughter said she understood and is fine with that. (She Also told hubby to apologize and bring me chocolate and flowers )

    I'm completely fine with being labeled the "jealous new wife". It couldn't be the further from the truth anyway lol
  19. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    That was my way of thinking. The place where we'd be is about 45 mins from daughters home. I figured we'd stay about a week, donsome family stuff for the first few days (we still have friends and in law family in the area as well) and then invite his daughter to meet him, then our children etc if she felt ready for that. Somehow our daughters seem completey fine with the entire situation so far. I hoping it's because we raised loving compassionate little people but preparing for the emotional explosion of jealousy.
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I agree with SWOT take the meeting if other family members as a flexible plan depending upon how the meeting goes with bio dad.