I am sad and desperate and hopeless again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I didnt know my husband was bald when I first met him. He had lovely longish thick hair but always wore a baseball cap. Getting a clue was not one of my strong traits so I never wondered why he always wore a cap. I thought he looked cute with it on.

    One day after about a month of dating we went out to eat and he took his cap off at the table. I think my jaw dropped to the floor and I stared. I could see him getting red initje face and I finally stammered probably in an embarassing way "You...you're BALD!" The jaw was still hanging.

    He sat back and said "Yeah. So?"

    I laughed. He laughed.

    He still wears a baseball cap everywhere. Well it looks like a baseball cap but its not related to sports. Now my son in law to be is 26 and you can already tell he is going to lose his hair. He also wears baseball cap shaped hats everywhere. I vote for a baseball the cap. They dont offend or scare anyone. Just dont wear a Bears cap in Packer country.....haha. Just kidding. You may get some ugly looks but nothing more.

    Now....I am pretty neutral about clothes but we are over three hours away from a big city (Milwaukee) and I dont think the culture is the same here. No real gangbangers, just fakes.

    A lot of people wear hoodies here. I have a favorite one that says "Dog Is Good" on the front with a picture of a chihuahua underneath the words. My kids have hoodies. We live in the COLD. So they are practical But they cant wear them to work.

    I dont tell my kids how to dress or wear their hair. I wouldnt go there unless it was Satanic clotjes or KKK or like that. Color your hair blue. Get a tatoo. I dont interfer with those decisuons and never did. I dont think we can force them to dress a certain way anyhow. I dont think I would touch that even if the grown kid moved in with me. But I lived near Chicago half of my life and a hoodie is probably more menacing near a big city. Not that we have no crime. Drugs are bad all over this area so we have an alarm system and there are robberies, but murder isnt part of here.

    I think if J were my son and he was just playing with my emotions Id be quite angry. If he actually saw the liver doctor and made a neuropsychologist appointment I would consider these two huge steps for the good!

    Keep us posted, hon. We all care about you and J. I feel as if J were a nephew of mine. I want both of you to be ok.

    Big hugs and cuppa Starbucks!!!
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    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  2. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Dear Copa,
    Sorry to hear you feel sad, desperate and hopeless again. We all know how these up and downs take us into the deep valleys over and over.
    Slow way down. Breathe. You need to do nothing right now. J will do what he will do.

    My short take on a few points - You tucked these short clips in, but hey appear big to you.

    It’s not about your "right to say". The hoody has no bearing on the big issues about J. Your concern about his clothes and haircut are only about what you want. In my opinion, this is too minor to even think about. Let it be.
    Yes. There is a need to surrender your own expectations and desires to what the reality is. And yes, there are some parts of yourself and your life that you lose in the process. It is a necessary loss. (I’m NOT talking about giving in to J but to surrendering to what is, and to lose the need to have your own way. ) ( To honestly stay alive (keep my health), I have given up and surrendered so much of my former fears, ideas, perceptions, critical judgments, etc, that I am surprised at who I am sometimes, but I am still here and still alright, and still changing and giving up more day by day. )
    Hoody is OK. Leave it.

    Take care, dear.
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I agree with SWOT- I never say anything about clothes, hair, piercings, tattoos, etc. If it causes my daughter enough problems she'll stop wearing it. I remember the first time she was pregnant and living with-her horrible baby daddy and they had no money. I picked her up to take her on a day trip somewhere, I don't even remember where. She came out wearing those Soffe athletic shorts and a regular t-shirt, and she was BIG pregnant. She looked crazy and I know she didn't have the money to buy any real maternity items, so we went on our trip like that and I didn't say a word. She and I laugh about it now, but it was not funny at the time. I was both sad and embarrassed for her, and honestly, myself as well. But what they wear and how they chose to present themselves is not something we can control.
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  4. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    I just can't keep my mouth shut about things like always wearing a hoody. It will drive me crazy. I have to say something, as many times as it takes. I am being reasonable and logical. I am saying that your hair is going to fall out even more if you keep wearing a hoody all the time. Or you're going to get sick if you eat that. Or you're going to be cold if you wear that. Or you're going to fry your brain if you consume that.... We are mothers after all. Isn't it our job, to some extent, to remind our kids to have healthy habits? I get that most people are smart enough to pick their battles and not sweat the small stuff so much. But I would be looking at that hoody thinking about his poor hair follicles, the fact that it's dark and sweaty in there, no air, poor scalp... I can't watch my son be unhealthy, to a fault. I'm a fitness and nutrition nut, I just can't see my own child doing these things to his body/mind/image. That said, I have tattoos, my nose pierced, and walk around barefoot most of the time - I'm relaxed and open minded about many things.

    What if you allow J to smoke his weed, BUT he has to do all other mental and physical health things that you ask of him? Maybe if you could get that far, the weed-smoking could be cleaned up afterwards. Of the things you ask of him, I'm pretty sure that it's the NO WEED that is the only real obstacle for him.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My kids know everything you said as do you. But we did we do what our mothers wanted when we grew up? They dobt and no its not MY job to say things that annoy them that they wont listen to. I dont care if they get a cold. They will live. I dont think it is proven that caps hasten hair loss. If it did, its thsir hair, not mine. When my daughter did cosmetology she and her friends changed hair colors every day. Not my hair. The tatoos....my girls wanted them, paid fpr them, and put them where they can be hidden. Cant complain. One girl is in law enforcenent and has never ever been in trouble. Never even mouthed off. The older one took drugs and turned her life around by age 20. 20!! Thays young. I am proud. She is now a mature 35.

    I cant biotch about everything they may do that I wouldnt have done. Not my place. Not my job. I prefer a good fun relationship with the girls over petty arguments.

    Neither of my boys do funky hair or tattooes.

    I have an ability to let the generations differ and respect our differences. I think.that is best :)

    Bags, your son is a teen. Once rhey are working and 21 they dont need us to remind them of this and that. We didnt like it. They dont either.
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    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  6. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    Swot, definitely agree, and I admire that, it's just so hard to watch and not say anything.
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    What do you mean by "what do you think?"
    Do I think you should tell him not to wear it?
    Do you think he is really insecure about the hair-loss, or do you think looking in the mirror and seeing his own face and doesn't have the hair defining that he is getting older (since it is hidden by the hoodie), therefore needs to grow-up.
    I wouldn't tell him not to wear the hoodie but I might give him an alternative. A sport zippy and a deadpool beanie :) comes to mind. A baseball cap. Some thing that wouldn't be correlated with a gang relationship.
    I hope J isn't just pulling your heartstings. Fingers crossed he is following through and doing what he has told you he is doing.

    Deep Breaths.

  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Just catching up today. Been very busy this week with new year.

    Wonderful friendship and advice you have gotten here. I would have to align my feelings most with Elsi.

    Take baby steps here. Do what you need to do to feel okay but don't forget about you in the process.

    I don't think you should permanently do anything to upset your relationship with M any further. I do not think you want him out of your life. I could be wrong but it seems he is a great source of comfort and strength to you. As we get older we so NEED that. No one wants to age alone. You deserve to have a life as a woman.

    You raised your son. You love him. I get that. But you have to find a middle ground here and not just put YOU out of the equation.

    I understand the worry of how he may not be able to do the things that he needs to do. I do hope that he gets analyzed so you can have some concrete answers to those questions.

    To me the saddest thing I ever heard is that he or she is a lost soul. I could wail hearing that and when I thought of my son like that it broke me to my very core. To me the soul is everything. It is the beginning and the end.

    I hate hoodies too. I don't even like my son's glasses because I've seen him high in them so many times. He just ordered new ones thankfully.

    Prayers for you that you have peace, strength and guidance.
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think he could be diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. But that said, I think the balding he uses as a focus of his anxiety, especially about his liver.

    He feels defective, tainted because of his beginnings, that he was drug exposed and given a horrible disease and because of his bioparents' lifestyle he feels just toxic, like garbage. It breaks my heart. He was so greatly loved by me.

    While he has been able to resist greatly destructive behaviors like serious drugs and criminality and violence, he has not been able to feel, fully, the self worth that would come from the love and structure I tried to give him.

    I understand that this is his journey. That he is trying to reconcile and make sense of his life. It does not make it less hard. Or painful.

    Thank you people. Thank you everybody.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The irony does not escape me that here on this board we represent multiple generations: The difficult children parents that give birth to drug exposed and abandoned kids, and their innocent babies (our grandchildren and adopted children) like my own son and swot's sonic, and others, like ksm's girls. And so many more. Sad.
  11. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    It is hard to come to terms with, isn't it? That there is so much beyond our control with our kids, especially those who are not ours by birth, and who had such damaging experiences and exposures before we even came into their lives. I feel like I've spent my entire adult life trying to patch holes and fix things that I am realizing may be beyond my power to fix. I thought if I just poured enough love in it would be enough. Oh, how I wish I had answers for both of us...for all of us. I'm sorry, Copa, for all the pain you are in right now.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Elsi. Thank you everybody. That's exactly my life story Elsi--pouring love into holes, to make myself and others whole. Trying to save myself, my dead parents, through loving my son, my beloved prisoners. Thank you.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    We cannot fix them. But love heals. Us. If nobody else. I believe that.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I really like that Copa. Love heals us.

    This is the year of forgiveness for me. Forgiveness is a form of love. We cant make people love us but we can love them anyway.

    And ultimately I believe that heals our souls.

    Thank you!
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m saddened and so sorry to read of your despair..especially the hopelessness. I know I had the most personal pain when that horror entered my mind and world.

    And, I had no idea there were any concerns with M. He seems to have been a source of comfort and someone to share ideas with. I hope that it is not a serious issue. (((Hugs)))

    I also hope your son is being honest with reference to his movements and activities.

    I hope a visit to the neuropsychologist comes to fruition. It could provide answers. And to the liver doctor for his health and safety.

    I don’t know what to think about the Hoodie. I personally don’t like them. He seems over sensitive about the hair issue, but maybe it’s worse than typical. Or his hair had been a source of pride. But I also think many would not chose a hoodie to cover up. Perhaps a cap as has been mentioned. It’s not a huge issue...I think. ??? Sort of quirky??

    Please take care of yourself. Not a platitude. Not something one says to “be nice.” It’s something you absolutely must do!!!
  16. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    I'm sorry I'm late to this, but when I read your first post the pain was palpable. I wanted to reach through my computer and hug you. I am so sorry for your pain. I am hopeful that your son will see the liver doctor. That would be a sticking point for me. I don't think I'd be able to let it go. Anything to do with my kid's health makes me almost desperate. I am pulling for you and your son. You are definitely not alone.
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  17. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    In my area hoodies don't necessary project a gang image, but I still don't like them. And I have found just because you buy them clothes doesn't mean they'll actually wear them. Copa, I've read a lot of threads from so many different places differing personalities and many different things issues and I think you SHOULD offer him a place to live. I think you should try to help as long as he's not totally tuning out. And I I think you should try to power through it while still trying to have a life of your own and not drowning in his. And don't take anything that happens personally, therapy has helped me immensely. And when and if it has taken you over to the point you can't function or have to give up for good, then you will know you tried your hardest. Hugs.
  18. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    I am new and no nothing but what the people on this site have taught me. But I don’t think I’m staying with you is the best idea. My father, my daughter‘s grandfather, told me before he died that my daughter would always be dependent on me. There’s nothing wrong with her except she does not know how to live a normal life. She is intelligent beautiful smart talented but she does not know how to get a job, work, engage with normal people. She hangs out with losers and criminals. She is comfortable in that Place. I want to rescue her and I know you want to rescue your son. But once you let him in it so hard to kick him out. Help him find a place to stay. Again I know nothing. I’m on this journey at 57 after years of trauma from my daughter. I hope you find some peace.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Rpmom. I agree with you.

    My son wrote he's in the train right now coming here. I got terrified.

    I was in Dreamland.

    I told him we'd call the cops if he came near either property. So it's escallated..

    I told him I would help him get section 8 Housing.

    He had the nerve to say he just wanted to come to be in a peaceful, trainquil place with solitude.

    I wrote back:

    that tranquil, safe place you're talking about,,,,it's called "home." That's why people protect their home and pay rent, follow rules, keep it clean. Because they want to have a home.,,where they have solitude and peace.

    What's going to happen now is I'm going to get frantic not knowing where he is. There is no safe place for me. With him back here.

    I can't, won't have him here. I know that now.

    He did not, would not do one thing. Not even call about the neuropsychogist exam.

    I'm sick.
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  20. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    So he didn't see the liver doctor?
    Copa, I am so sorry to hear he isn't following through on anything.
    I as very hopeful he could do 1 step and you could both move forward.
    Do you think he is afraid of what the neuro will say? He has gotten such awful medical news int he past. Is he just afraid of more?
    I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I am just trying to understand where he could be in his head.
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