I am sad and desperate and hopeless again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Copa, You know we are all here for you.
    Do you have PTSD due tot he fact that J doesn't follow through on things and because he makes you stress? I don't remember himbeing physical or threatening towards you. Just not following any directives but pretending he was.
    He is being a piss by saying.."mom? thanks, good-bye" he wanted you to feel bad and of course you did. because then you think.."on no I sent those texts, was he really following through and I just thought he wasn't..but he was. and oh no.. I hurt his feelings, he is fragile, I don't want to hurt his feelings?"
    HA! he just pulled your heartstrings--master of manipulation, I think he is friends with my son.
    Follow a rule I have: NEVER send a text to J until 30 minutes has passed. then re-read it and see if you still want to send it or maybe should re-word it. when i don't answer Ben within 10 minutes he texts me again and again, then he calls. That is if (he thinks) it is important. Yet if I text him and he doesn't respond it could be 2 hours before he responds--they are $hits. I used to send a sting of texts thinking I could prompt a response. NOPE. I made a new rule for myself..if I want Ben to respond to a text, the 1st text I send is "Ben?" then I wait. that way he doesn't know what I want and if his phone is available, charged, he isn't busy, he will text back right away. If I don't hear back right away when I only send "Ben?" i know he isn't available. He hasn't caught onto my new ploy ..yet.
    But I really, truly, do think J is scared. He doesn't realize lif will be easier with answers. That maybe even though he is smart, he functions in a different way.
    Hugs, Prayers, Warm thoughts.
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son does that: what you do tired,, when he texts..

    Mom? Mom? I dIdn't get it until now.

    The PTSD is from my life. Not my son. But my son is a trigger now. I denied my feelings for so long, so much that about five months ago, I had an extreme reaction when he tried to push his way into my house for what? He thought I had his marijuana in the house.

    I don't want to say what I did but I will say that I was not in a conscious state. I did something to protect myself and I only stopped because m ordered me to and then i woke up. I had dissociated.

    People think I've changed and I have with respect to my son and other things. If I have it's largely because I was forced to by recognition of how far I fell. I was acting like a battered woman who won't take it any more.and it was not a conscious change. It welled up from within me. But my son was not my perptetator.

    There were other circumstances..Not more than millions of others deal with, but mine.

    With my son the rubber hits the road. I have no stamina.and all of my panic seems to come up. There's no reservoir of confidence that all will be well. That it will all work out..

    My father was an alcoholic and drug addict and he abandoned us. He died on skid row.

    I know that these things don't necessarily end well.

    Although with my son I always believed they would.

    So he and I are mirror images of of each other.

    All of my achievement was running for my life away from my real life. And I have been dealing with the fact that there's no place anymore to run.

    All of this has nothing to do with my real life son. But it is the reality I deal with inside myself as I deal with him. And everything else.

    There is a very famous article in psychoanalysis from almost 70 years ago, I think. It's called ""Parenthood as a deveiopmental stage." Ruth Benedict

    The gist if I remember is that problems with our kids as they grow up trigger our own incomplete developmental struggles, with our own parents. So in this way they both trip us up and give us opportunities for resolution.

    That said, my son said he wants to meet me tomorrow, and if it pans out, I will take the train. But I am grateful we are in a dialog In the here and now.

    I have to say I am both grateful and pleased he got off the train turned around and went back. And even more pleased he is communicating with me.

    It felt so horrible the thought he would be on the streets here in my town. This I acknowledge was a completely irrational response

    I am forced to wonder if this has something to do with my father.

    Thank you very much.
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    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think I agree tired. medical info has not so far been my son's friend. He's like .No more reality for me, thank you.

    I can relate.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa I think I get it. Silly things trigger my childhood, even now. Honestly, if one of my sweet kids is tired and quiet around me I may think,"She doesnt like me. She will leave me. My mother did!"

    Its so dumb. But, hey, a lot of people I loved did not love me. So its normal to have a weird moment like that, at least for me.

    Your father and your son, like my daughter and my mom, are not the same people. But sometimes we get throwbacks to the past.

    I am sorry for your PTSD. I hope you have a peaceful night and see J tomorrow. Try to remember that PTSD isnt reality. It is just a fear about something that has not and probably never will happen. Thats how I deal with that now.

    Please accept a hug and some soothing hot cocoa! Everything will be okay.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You are a wonderful friend swot. Thank you.
  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I wish we could be there and could follow you to see your son --just so you would know "we have your back" and if he didn't show we could talk about it on the way home. I am praying and wishing he shows. I think your PTSD may take a backseat if you can help him get on some kind of plan.
    Try and get a good nights sleep.
    Good luck tomorrow.
    Fingers crossed.
    Prayers said.
  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Copa we are with you. Sending you hugs and strength across the miles. I hope all goes well tomorrow.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I bought the ticket and I should be there tomorrow about 2pm. If you're here on the board maybe think of me then.

    It is over 5 mos since I've seen him. At first he said after all he didn't want to meet--i freaked out--a bit. He said he was too depressed. And he changed his mind.

    I wonder if it was a test.

    There will be drama. I am prepared .I hope. The hoody. And I will take him to lunch. A family style Greek restaurant. I love Greek food. It is almost my favorite food.

    I am prepared to tell him I will travel to meet him one day during each week near where he lives until we are able to get him the neuropsychological exam.

    I think i am prepared to commit to his living in 20th if he agrees to basic, specified self care and treatment. I hope he doesn't cancel.

    I do not think I will accept rent but I will want him to pay an equivalent amount for therapy.

    I will try to rest. Thank you very much. I feel you with me.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If my son doesn't show I will have five hours to eat Greek food, until the train comes. If I could handle liquor I'd drink Ouzo and dance. I used to love Ouzo.

    I think I'm going to either Portugal and Greece or Brazil. Or israel. This year needs to be a break-out.
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  10. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Hope prayers and hugs for tomorrow. Whatever happens remember... Don't take it personally because it isn't.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Have a wonderful visit, Copa. Enjoy that Greek food!
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Wishing you much luck today!

    I too loooove Greek food!

    Re a therapist, one of the very best in my former big city was a MSW. A Social Worker. She did not work as a Social worker. Nothing of the sort, really. BUT, her ability to understand, empathize and validate was incrediable. It got you to a calmer place. Once there, she helped you move on to hash out a plan with her by your side. She also had some analytical abilities. Anyway, many professionals ended up seeing her. What I’m saying is that it might not necessarily be a psychologist as the best fit for therapy. Good grief I miss this woman. She got my husband and I through the roughest patches with our Difficult Child. I had heard through the grapevine that she was good with very difficult life crisis events and sure enough she really was.I strongly suspected many physicians saw her. Bottom line, she wasn’t a psychiatrist or psychologist. She was trained in the field, had natural abilities and had a ton of experience.
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member


    I just saw your post too. I don't post much anymore, and I'm sorry for that. Most of my replies would be filled with anger and cynicism, and that's not good for anybody. Things are still pretty raw for me, and posting rips the scabs off, if that makes any sense. But you have been such a good friend to me, and I wish I had some advice for you. If I could "fix" your situation I would, and I would "fix" mine too. I guess the only wisdom I have to share is that in a situation with impossible choices, we choose what we hope we can live with. If we can't live with any of the choices, we do what causes the least pain. I so hope you and M work things out, Copa. I hope you find some clarity and peace.
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  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I will be there in spirit. I will soothe you. You wont be alone or alone with J. If you start to feel alone think of me. At 2 I will be thinking about you both.

    Enjoy the Greek Food. Yum!

    Big hugs!
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  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well. I'm at the train station. No response from my son requesting he confirm. It will be what it will be. My breakfast room and kitchen had a flood. 2" of water. I mean. A swimming pool. (It was channeling ktmoms porch.)

    i called m. What did you do, leave the faucet on?

    I'm so disoriented I went to check. No

    It turns out it's the icemaker on the fridge .

    It's the least of my worries. I feel my son will not be there. Oh well. I could have written, I will only leave if you confirm .but I did not want to put more barriers. I'm going as much for me as him.

    My stomach hurts so much. I wish I'd taken Prilosec. This is what happens to me with my son. Oh well.

    These journeys of our lives.
  16. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Sending you extra hugs for your journey Copa. Thinking of you.
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  17. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Copa, Thinking of you and praying J shows up. If not..kick back. enjoy the Greek food. Have a baklava with extra honey for me.
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  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hoping and praying that he shows up. If he doesnt that mean anything against you. He lost out. But hold on. All my kids are always late!!
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    On train. Got series of (missed) calls from payphones in general area of station. Calling back didn't work. Got no answer or fax tone. He has not responded to texts. Who knows?

    Entering into his chaos. Up is down. Down
    Is up. And it changes upon whim.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
  20. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Sounds like maybe his phone is dead or lost and he tried to make it. But he should have just shown up at the meeting place on time. I hope you had a great lunch.