regarding: the explosive Child and reading about attachment disorder...
The explosive child helped me feel less guilty for sure. It helped me realize that even when people criticized me for letting things go at times (priorities had to be working on safety issues first and to work on everything overwhelms them and the family system...so first priority is to reduce EVERYONES stress! pick only a few things to work on...the "A" basket....it is a great read) Even if Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not the right diagnosis it seems to cover many of the issues you are discussing so you will likely find things that will be very very helpful in the information.
Regardless of the dagnosis now or ever....what if it is NOT what you think and you give up now? (sounds like you are not giving up because you are here for one and you said giving him up to the system is not an option...bless your heart) You sound like such an amazing person who cares so much (or why would this all bother you?) so it will not hurt to start the spiral back up a little by realizing that there are others of us out here dealing with OUTRAGEOUS behavior from our kids. Believe me, there is not one day I don't have a lonely feeling as a single mom, (not just a feeling, I cry very very often...wonder about if he will end up locked up in jail or a state mental hospital. with criminally insane people forever etc....so easy to catastrophize when things are so serious). And, even though for now I have a pretty good team....it is NEVER perfect and even today I was in the principals office thinking OMGosh, just when I thought it was all good. (the principal went over IEP team's head and decisions and just mucked things up a bit...sigh). I feel like my family, though they love me, just can't get it and they never offer me a break. NOT FOR YEARS. I really do understand and I hope you hear this...it is normal to feel unattached to a child who has a hard time attaching. The thing is that they can't do anything about it and only we can at this point. So whether or not there is hope for our kids the only way we will know is to try. People who specialize in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) really do understand. One of the symptoms on the list is "angry mother" because it is natural to be angry when you are so rejected by your own child. Remember, years ago moms of kids with autism were called "refrigerator moms" and that was thought to be the cause of autism!
There are methods to work with kids who are not developing attachment or conscience appropriately. It is not hopeless. Especially with a child as young as yours. The brain parts that control those areas are not fully formed until the mid to late 20's. So it is impossible to say this is it, they are who they are at an early age. When you look at symptom lists for a diagnosis, please remember the child does not have to have all of the symptoms to have the disorder or condition. And not everyone meets criteria for something...doesn't mean there isn't a problem. He could have his own issue that is not in the books. Most kids with mental health issues get several diagnosis. over the years. as they grow and change. One reason some docs argue against giving any label is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is better to deal with the symptoms. A label is only useful for billing insurance and getting school and therapy services. The medical books for diagnosing actually have symptoms grouped into sections and people only have to have one or two in each of the sections to meet criteria.
It sounds like you were so great about checking to see what was wrong with him as a baby. I have checked for years to see why my son has anal itching (sorry if it seems like too much information but you will understand). Is it constipation, no...not cleaning right, no, internal issues, no... yeast, worms....no,no no no no. of course a question comes up about sexual abuse. Well since he is supervised all the time and those people-except me- change almost yearly, no. He can't keep a secret anyway even if he is gonna get into trouble so it is really unlikely. It feels awful to think it and worse to have someone else ask me. In addition, I know he is in distress as you knew this with your baby. No baby cries to make you mad. But the screamming and crying can feel very deliberate. My son will wake with itching so intense that he will break things. He yells at me and tells me I am the worst mother ever and he is going to get a knife and cut my throat. STill to this day at age 14 it happens! Just because we test our kids medically doesn't mean they will find the cause of our child's discomfort. Not having a medical test that finds the right answer for things does not mean the pain is not real. Your child could have experienced very real disomfort and there simply was no way to figure out what it was. That is no one's fault. ( and especially with kids who have sensory issues that they are not able to explain because it has always been like this for them. Everything they feel , hear, see, taste, smell is stronger or way too weak...you said he is loud I think??? that is a sign of sensory issues. Kids will try to be louder than the sounds they perceive even if it seems quiet to us. IT looks attention seeking but is often comforting. How food feels in the mouth, going through the tract is not something that can be medically diagnosed....normal burps may have been too much for him.
Please be assured, it seems for everyone here (but I can't speak for them) and for sure for me, If I offer a suggestion I am fine with you tossing it out. In such a desperate situation it is natural to want to help, it is not in any way meaning you hadn't thought of that first or that it is a better thought than what you have thought. It is all because I care and so truly understand being in the depths of despare over what seems like and impossible situation. I mean what the heck, you have a child and think it will be a certain way (even with "special needs" you expect love and fun at times)...and to find out it is a totally different life. I love a quote I read in one of the Chicken Soup books....When our kids deserve our love the least is when they need the most. It helps me during the times like when a full peanut butter jar flies through the air and I have a huge bump on my forehead while at the same time the tv is being pushed over and broken.
I hope if you can only do one thing, you will give yourself a break. Not meaning a going out kind of break if that is not doable but a break in the blaming yourself deal. There are a million reasons he could have these problems and you may never know why. The only option is to push forward but take it easy on yourself. Try to stop yourself from asking people what is wrong with you because I really believe, at least for me, that what I say and think affects my feelings and my actions. Maybe tell yourself out loud the things we are saying to you...write it out if you need to? Just do this one thing to start your thinking on a different path. Our brains are like roads and we get used to one route...maybe you can try to take a different road when you are thinking about blaming yourself. I have had to force myself to do that many many times. I really truly do admire that you got here when he is so young. I didn't find this until now and my son is 14! There really is hope. A tough ride maybe, but for sure there is hope.
Glad the school mtg went better than you thought it did. difficult child 1 also will mis-behave to get to go home or to get me to come to school. Some schools have to learn the hard way. Would they let you stay at a room in the school? Do they have a time out room? Not every school does. I hope you live close to the school.
there are good days, and rough days. everyone has them, we just feel them a little more i think. i feel like that sometimes, but there is no giving up. i can't. it's my job and like it or not i have to keep trying and hoping for the best, dealing with the rest. we mothers have alot of inner strength and the more we struggle the more that will grow. don't get me wrong, i often find myself sobbing in the middle of the night or wishing i could pull the blanket over my head and go back to sleep and that's okay, it's natural. we just have to get up in the morning and try to wipe the slate clean and give the difficult child's a fresh start to make the right choices.
