I bought my kid a tent today, he's homeless.

[JMom]

I was scrolling through new posts today. I generally pay attention for those without a lot of responses because I remember finding this site at my lowest point, and wanted to share good vibes, since I am now in a better place. Out of curiosity, I revisited my first post (this post) and noticed it had 119 responses. Wow. I can't believe how a person can feel at their lowest point in life and other beautiful human beings swoop in to make you feel loved, connected, appreciated.

From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU all, you have put me on the path to peace. I can now co-exist with what is happening in other people's (addicted/recovered) lives and live for myself. What a powerful testimony to the hearts of the people on this forum. Ok, I'm going to stop with the freaking mushy gushy, I'm eye rolling myself.LOL
Jmom

 

[JMom]

Just thought I'd post here since this was my first thread when I found this site. I will keep it short and sweet. My son is drinking, smoking weed and was told yesterday taking pills. VERY strong ones. Can't verify the last part, but don't really need too. Moms (and Dads) can tell.

I'm not going to get lost in it. I let him know that I know, I love him and will see him when he gets sober. Sorry that I don;t have better news, I know you guys were rooting for him, as I root for all of you!!
Love,
JMOM​

 

[newstart]

Jmom, I hate that your son is doing the drugs. I just pray he get tried of the crap lifestyle and gets back on a healthy track. Even though we try hard to not get involved or let it eat us it is always there....My daughters journey is HER journey as your son is on his own path. It is so hard to see someone on the wrong journey and not jump in and stop them. By trying to help my daughter I was hindering her. Having a child at any age off track is one of the most painful experiences there is, the key is to find the peace within yourself. I wish it was easy to just turn off your emotions and let the chips fall. Wish I could learn how to do that. I send sincere prayers of protection and safety over you and your family. Amen.

 

[RN0441]

JMom
How old is your son now?

Mine will be 25 in August.

25. Egads.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

JMOM, I am so sorry your son has started using again. I feel foolish telling you not to worry. Of course we all will continue to worry about our children.
I was thinking of you all day after you wrote you had confirmed he had started back down the road he had fought so hard to get off of.
I will continue to pray for your family and son.
Keep strong JMOM.

Peace and Love

 

[WiseChoices]

JMom, you are so strong. I admire you. I have a question for anyone in here, really, something I have been pondering for a while .

Al-anon says to keep our mouth shut , to not say anything unless it affects us. But I have found when I do that, I slip into feeling I am almost protecting the secret of addiction. And it feels like as a child that I am somehow "protecting" someone's secret very well knowing that secrets keep the addict sick and that a light needs to be shone on it.

You did this here, JMom. You said it like it is. You did not question him which is what I would try and then get lies and defenses. You just said what you perceive and set your boundary. You left the consequences of his choices with him.

I am seeing how the Black and White thinking is very strong in me. And how I have felt in order to do my Al-Anon program perfectly, I never say anything about addictive behavior I observe.

Any input is greatly appreciated.

 

[JayPee]

I could be wrong but the way I see it is that it's a balancing act. We want to practice what Al anon says and to know the three C's (didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it) so I think I understand what you're saying. We take this seriously in our recovery to get better but I agree too with JMom in her decision to confront the truth and then let it be. She isn't trying to cure or control it from my perspective and that shows a lot of recovery.

I think that's where some people don't get it and really I was there a few years ago too. They think that confronting the addict and demanding they see their problem is going to be the saving grace and they will have done their part to assist the addict. Well, that may make a person "feel" good but we all know that it has to be the choice of the addict to find recovery. No amount of love, no begging, pleading, groveling will ever change them.

I tried for three decades to get my ex-husband sober. During all that time I lost site of myself. What I wanted, who I was, what made me valuable.

That's why when I can remind someone to take care of themselves, I really mean it. I never did that and it may take me another three decades to really see myself a valuable person but at least I'm headed in the right direction now.

 

[JMom]

JMom
How old is your son now?

Mine will be 25 in August.

25. Egads.

He is 25 as well

 

[JMom]

JMOM, I am so sorry your son has started using again. I feel foolish telling you not to worry. Of course we all will continue to worry about our children.
I was thinking of you all day after you wrote you had confirmed he had started back down the road he had fought so hard to get off of.
I will continue to pray for your family and son.
Keep strong JMOM.

Peace and Love

Thank OW, don't worry too much, we still communicate and I trust that he will figure it out.

 

[JMom]

JMom, you are so strong. I admire you. I have a question for anyone in here, really, something I have been pondering for a while .

Al-anon says to keep our mouth shut , to not say anything unless it affects us. But I have found when I do that, I slip into feeling I am almost protecting the secret of addiction. And it feels like as a child that I am somehow "protecting" someone's secret very well knowing that secrets keep the addict sick and that a light needs to be shone on it.

You did this here, JMom. You said it like it is. You did not question him which is what I would try and then get lies and defenses. You just said what you perceive and set your boundary. You left the consequences of his choices with him.

I am seeing how the Black and White thinking is very strong in me. And how I have felt in order to do my Al-Anon program perfectly, I never say anything about addictive behavior I observe.

Any input is greatly appreciated.

WC,
I think as a general rule, part of self-care is to do what YOU are comfortable with. If you want to say something, go for it. I just make statements now, I don't question, because I don't want to know the answer. As far as B&W, I am a very gray person, I live in the gray. I feel similar to you in that I hated the secrets, I don't have to tell anyone else, I just let him know. When he denied it, I just said, you know where I stand, let's not beat a dead horse. I think it feels good to say your boundry out loud, in a soft kind voice. I was so tired of confrontation, it made ME feel bad. Now I won't fight or argue, just state my peace and move on. That's my two cents.

As far as Alanon goes, it wasn't for me because I always felt worse. Hearing everyone's hurt, disappointment, fears made me fearful. Here, I choose which posts to stop reading, dive into, take what is helpful and leave the rest. It is freedom without feeling rude lol.

Glad you brought up secrets, they are lousy! lol

 

[RN0441]

Alanon was not for me either. I felt worse too.

We all have to do what makes US feel better and able to cope.

Thankfully there are many things that we can do to help ourselves once we realize that WE are worth helping!

 

[JMom]

I could be wrong but the way I see it is that it's a balancing act. We want to practice what Al anon says and to know the three C's (didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it) so I think I understand what you're saying. We take this seriously in our recovery to get better but I agree too with JMom in her decision to confront the truth and then let it be. She isn't trying to cure or control it from my perspective and that shows a lot of recovery.

I think that's where some people don't get it and really I was there a few years ago too. They think that confronting the addict and demanding they see their problem is going to be the saving grace and they will have done their part to assist the addict. Well, that may make a person "feel" good but we all know that it has to be the choice of the addict to find recovery. No amount of love, no begging, pleading, groveling will ever change them.

I tried for three decades to get my ex-husband sober. During all that time I lost site of myself. What I wanted, who I was, what made me valuable.

That's why when I can remind someone to take care of themselves, I really mean it. I never did that and it may take me another three decades to really see myself a valuable person but at least I'm headed in the right direction now.

JayPee,

YOU ARE VALUABLE and I love ya!

 

[Triedntrue]

Sorry to hear your son is back on drugs. I have been there many times thinking he is doing better then the hammer drops. Sometimes a regular hammer and sometimes a sledge. I think you are handling it wisely. Hope he wises up soon.

 

[JMom]

Sorry to hear your son is back on drugs. I have been there many times thinking he is doing better then the hammer drops. Sometimes a regular hammer and sometimes a sledge. I think you are handling it wisely. Hope he wises up soon.

Thank you True, I appreciate your empathy. Yes, let's hope he does soon!

 

[RN0441]

Keep us posted JMom.

You were one of the first people I mentally connected with when I came here. The story of buying your son a tent really helped me to be strong. It really did give me strength to do what we needed to do.

Forever grateful for that!

 

[JMom]

Keep us posted JMom.

You were one of the first people I mentally connected with when I came here. The story of buying your son a tent really helped me to be strong. It really did give me strength to do what we needed to do.

Forever grateful for that!

Thank you RN, that means a ton to me. It is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. He has kept in touch more and is being less sketch! :0)

 

[JMom]

Hi, and welcome.
Yes, you are one of "us". Parents of non-typical and/or non-conforming kids.

What mom walks away? Well, in my books, you didn't "walk away". You did the only things that were possible in his situation. A tent = a roof over his head. A sleeping bag = a bed. And you gave him a meal besides! The statement to him is... you care. And it's true.

He may have the tent and sleeping bag for a while. Or not. That's on him, not on you. You got him the best possible presents for HIM.

What I can tell you is that there are a LOT of young men that seem to really go off the deep end as teens and young adults, who then somehow wake up / grow up / or something by about age 25 or so. And walk away from that lifestyle and go on to be "normal people". There is hope, at least.

I have replayed your words over in my head for 7 years. They helped save my life. Hugs, JMOM

 

[JMom]

Hi JMom,
Welcome to this soft place to land. You will find support, comfort, and wisdom here to continue to grow in your healthy detachment. You did not "walk away" from your son. You are not turning your back, but rather just "stepping back" to allow son to move on with his life, in the way that he chooses he will. By detaching with love, you give him freedom, space and wings … to experience challenges and responsibilities to mature and step into his manhood. It may not be the picture you had for him, but it sounds like he is resourceful, confident, and has some respect for you. That he wanted to show you his place, introduce you to his friend, and was thankful for your gifts, shows he values a connection with you.


The folks here on this forum know your hurt and pain. We all hurt here. You are doing the right thing, Mom ... you have accepted the situation that you cannot change him, and you have set boundaries, and he is not asking for anything and still wants to be updated on the family . Something deep in him still cares. These are things to be thankful for.

Keep posting with us here. It helps. Others will soon be along with more insights and wisdom and support. You are not alone. Welcome to the forum. Take care and breathe. As you continue to read other threads on the forums, you find common principles and issues throughout and learn from other situations and get strengthened from others' support. Read the article on "detachment" on this forum at this link. It is a great reminder. http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3vMgrCSmN

I hope you will find a bit of joy in this holiday time of renewal. I take some comfort in believing that even though I don't understand all the whys and wherefores of our difficult children and their situations, that all works together for good in some way.
It is a new day... You are going to be alright... Kalahou

Your words have comforted me for years-thank you!

 

[JMom]

Merry Christmas, JM.

You are doing incredibly well. Please do not judge yourself harshly, or at all. Any involvement you have with your son beyond the cursory is as if to support his choice. Which you cannot do. It would be completely sending him the wrong message, I think.

He knows how much you love him. I think what you did was loving and completely appropriate. I spent a career working in prisons. I think it is harder still for us who see and deal with the consequences of the choices are children are making.

It feels like a special kind of hypocrisy to me who can find compassion for prisoners who have done way, way worse than my son--and need to push away my own child. Indeed, even feel disgust and anger. But he is my son. It is a world of difference.

I am glad you found us. Every one of us is living with a variant of your story, your heartbreak. Posting helps a lot. Welcome.

COPA

Copa.

I have appreciated your support over the years. You are a gem to this site!