I fall every time

[Worndown68]

It’s always worse at this time of year, I am the Mother of identical twins who became uncontrollable about 10yrs old. They are now early 50s, both are alcohol and drug addicted, I tried everything to help them over the years, I read everything by Marsha Linehan and every other book I could. I know not to engage when they are accusing me of something I know didn’t happen. I have lived through so much that is the same as so many others on this forum, so thank you everyone who has the courage to post. This past week I have hardly slept at all. I had a phone message from one last week that was just sobbing into the phone. Followed up with a strange text (they are always strange) but saying she needs to leave town within 48hrs so could I meet her. I sent her $500 (i know )
But it’s always money they want and I couldn’t talk to her so I sent it and a text asking where she is, does she have a plan, reminding her of crisis intervention # and that AA might be supportive and maybe she could give it a try? I heard nothing and I had a nightmare worrying about her. Her daughter my granddaughter came to visit me today, thank goodness, she had seen her Mum last week and had been taken out to a fancy restaurant for steak dinner, about the time of the sobbing voicemail. It is rare for her to treat any of her children so she must have been in a good place to do that. I also found out my granddaughter had managed to get her to share her location on her phone some time ago, so she was able to tell me she was at the home of her boyfriend. I don’t feel foolish for sending her money because I am her Mum and I remember when she was a kid and adorable. I just feel relieved. Her eldest is in outpatient treatment for a month (I am paying for that) she has been sober 14 months and decided to get sober after graduating University (with 4.0) because she didn’t want to end up like her Mum. Her other 2 don’t drink at all, both at Uni now. I was feeling awful this week but I am so blessed that her 3 kids I practically raised myself are all doing well. I’m not in great health physically or indeed financially and I divorced 2 years ago which means I will grow older alone. I adopted a dog and we live together quietly, but I can’t make new friends at my age because I am so ashamed of my daughters. I think they thought when I divorced that I would have them live with me. I live in a small apartment and I don’t want any upset, shouting or yelling here. I already had to move apartments because one of them sent police to do a “welfare check “ to embarrass me, it did. So I don’t want them to know my address. I read that other parents have their adult children visit them and I just can’t do that. I just wanted to post this, there is no advice Im looking for. Just wanted to feel part of this group instead of only reading others posts. I am very grateful for my puppy who gets me out on walks and finds joy in squirrels and leaves, and my grandkids especially my 2 granddaughters who are so loving and grateful for everything. I didn’t parent them any differently so although several therapists have told me it’s not my fault I think my grands have proven it for me. I don’t think they will ever get sober and responsible now.
I fear for them. When I die they will be taken care of, but until then I really can’t help them.
Thank you everyone, especially Copa who is so wonderful and always supportive to everyone. X

 

[Bettyboo44]

Worndown68, I totally respect you don’t want advice but am so glad you posted.
I’m saddened that you are struggling both health wise and financially, hardly no sleep for a week sounds beyond draining, you must be struggling to function . This time of year definitely brings up a lot of memories of what was/what we envisioned it would be like/or hoped it to be.
That sounds very hurtful and distressing, receiving that phone message from your daughter and then blank….nothing, after you had sent such a large amount of money, when all you wanted was a little reassurance.

I hope you know that it’s absolutely not your responsibility to give your adult children any money, not one more cent ever if you should decide not to. You texted your daughter after giving her such a generous gift offering words of support and just wanting a little reassurance…unfortunately I fear she didn’t care about your feelings or if your financially struggling, but only contacted you for money, knowing from previous experiences she’d get exactly what she wanted. You said that’s all they (both your daughters) want, but what about you Worndown68, what about what you want and need, for 50 years you’ve always put their wants and needs before yours. Your daughters haven’t changed their behaviours in 40 years, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can say or do that will ever change that, ever. Trying is only causing you detrimental pain in so many aspects, and it’s all in vain, they’ll do what they want to, regardless of whether your doing tip top or in the depths of despair, they will do what they choose to.

So I hope you can find it in your heart to start putting you first, minding yourself, and your health and spending YOUR money on you. You deserve peace, love and friendship (sounds like you have denied yourself this for far far too long), so I genuinely hope you allow yourself to have that in the knowledge your adult children are going to do what they choose to, totally irrespective of anything you say or do. If you do make new friends, you don’t have to divulge your daughters lifestyles if you don’t want to or equally friends with similar situations can be of great support and comfort…this site shows that such people do exist!

Your puppy sounds adorable, I’m glad ye found each other and that you have your grandchildren, and they have you. I hope you can start using your time and energy on people (and dogs ) that value you half as much as you value them.
I agree Copabanana has been like a guardian angel to me and so many others on here
Sending hugs to you and your puppy

 

[Worndown68]

Thank you BettyBoo44, that was a lovely response and so greatly appreciated 🫶

 

[LetGo]

It’s always worse at this time of year, I am the Mother of identical twins who became uncontrollable about 10yrs old. They are now early 50s, both are alcohol and drug addicted, I tried everything to help them over the years, I read everything by Marsha Linehan and every other book I could. I know not to engage when they are accusing me of something I know didn’t happen. I have lived through so much that is the same as so many others on this forum, so thank you everyone who has the courage to post. This past week I have hardly slept at all. I had a phone message from one last week that was just sobbing into the phone. Followed up with a strange text (they are always strange) but saying she needs to leave town within 48hrs so could I meet her. I sent her $500 (i know )
But it’s always money they want and I couldn’t talk to her so I sent it and a text asking where she is, does she have a plan, reminding her of crisis intervention # and that AA might be supportive and maybe she could give it a try? I heard nothing and I had a nightmare worrying about her. Her daughter my granddaughter came to visit me today, thank goodness, she had seen her Mum last week and had been taken out to a fancy restaurant for steak dinner, about the time of the sobbing voicemail. It is rare for her to treat any of her children so she must have been in a good place to do that. I also found out my granddaughter had managed to get her to share her location on her phone some time ago, so she was able to tell me she was at the home of her boyfriend. I don’t feel foolish for sending her money because I am her Mum and I remember when she was a kid and adorable. I just feel relieved. Her eldest is in outpatient treatment for a month (I am paying for that) she has been sober 14 months and decided to get sober after graduating University (with 4.0) because she didn’t want to end up like her Mum. Her other 2 don’t drink at all, both at Uni now. I was feeling awful this week but I am so blessed that her 3 kids I practically raised myself are all doing well. I’m not in great health physically or indeed financially and I divorced 2 years ago which means I will grow older alone. I adopted a dog and we live together quietly, but I can’t make new friends at my age because I am so ashamed of my daughters. I think they thought when I divorced that I would have them live with me. I live in a small apartment and I don’t want any upset, shouting or yelling here. I already had to move apartments because one of them sent police to do a “welfare check “ to embarrass me, it did. So I don’t want them to know my address. I read that other parents have their adult children visit them and I just can’t do that. I just wanted to post this, there is no advice Im looking for. Just wanted to feel part of this group instead of only reading others posts. I am very grateful for my puppy who gets me out on walks and finds joy in squirrels and leaves, and my grandkids especially my 2 granddaughters who are so loving and grateful for everything. I didn’t parent them any differently so although several therapists have told me it’s not my fault I think my grands have proven it for me. I don’t think they will ever get sober and responsible now.
I fear for them. When I die they will be taken care of, but until then I really can’t help them.
Thank you everyone, especially Copa who is so wonderful and always supportive to everyone. X

WornDown68, I'm so glad that you posted here. We understand! I certainly have gotten the calls for money, etc. I am not giving advice...just saying that I stopped doing that a while back. It feels freeing. I am so glad that you have a dog! They are the best company. Try not to be afraid to make new friends...you'd be amazed at how many people have issues with their adult children. I am also so happy that you have grandchildren who are doing well! They are a blessing!

 

[Beta]

Thank you BettyBoo44, that was a lovely response and so greatly appreciated 🫶

BettyBoo44 said it exactly as it should be said. I'm glad you posted, but I hope you will begin to take care of yourself. Welcome.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Thank you BettyBoo44, that was a lovely response and so greatly appreciated 🫶

You are so welcome. How have you been, have you managed to get some proper rest? I do hope so and I’m so glad you did post, and hope you continue to do so.
Sending much love to you and of course the puppy

 

[Copabanana]

Hello worndown68.
I want to share a couple of insights that have helped me. Welcome.

The most important is this: People own their own lives. That means, our children too. While we may have the hope, wish and intention that our children grow up and live well, as adults they have autonomy, authority and responsibility for their own lives. They are responsible for creating and living their own lives, and they do. Their lives are theirs, not ours.

I believe that we are responsible in our lives to live well. That applies to our children. But whether or not they do is on them, not us. That also applies to us, that when we turn over our lives, our welfare, so that our children prosper, neglecting ourselves or permitting mistreatment, we are choosing to live badly. I believe we have the responsibility to ourselves and in our lives to live well. Living well includes not hurting ourselves or letting others hurt us.

I believe we are responsible for keeping ourselves on an even keel. That means, prolonging self-pity, guilt, catastrophizing, or regret for the path not taken, is a choice.. To overly indulge myself in these things, is my choice to hurt myself.

I can choose to suffer. Or not. I see this as a boundary issue. I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself, internal boundaries.
Internal boundaries are no different from the external boundaries we set for others. It's to set limits to self-hurt, to self-abuse.

You see, we hurt ourselves too. There is no reason to. And we can stop it.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You really don't deserve it.

 

[Fairy dust]

Hello worndown68.
I want to share a couple of insights that have helped me. Welcome.

The most important is this: People own their own lives. That means, our children too. While we may have the hope, wish and intention that our children grow up and live well, as adults they have autonomy, authority and responsibility for their own lives. They are responsible for creating and their own lives, and they do. Their lives are theirs, not ours.

I believe that we are responsible in our lives to live well. That applies to our children. But whether or not they do is on them, not us. That also applies to us, that when we turn over our lives, our welfare, so that our children prosper, neglecting ourselves or permitting mistreatment, we are choosing to live badly. I believe we have the responsibility to ourselves and in our lives to live well. Living well includes not hurting ourselves or letting others do so.

I believe we are responsible for keeping ourselves on an even keel. That means,prolonging self-pity, guilt, catastrophizing, or regret for the path not taken. To overly indulge myself in these things, is my choice to hurt myself.

I can choose to limit this. Or not. I see this as a boundary issue. I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself, internal boundaries.
Internal boundaries are no different from the external boundaries we set for others. It's to set limits to hurt, to abuse. You see, we hurt ourselves too. There is no reason to. And we can stop it.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You really don't deserve it.

I love you Copa. Your words of wisdom strengthen my soul. Thank you.

 

[LetGo]

Hello worndown68.
I want to share a couple of insights that have helped me. Welcome.

The most important is this: People own their own lives. That means, our children too. While we may have the hope, wish and intention that our children grow up and live well, as adults they have autonomy, authority and responsibility for their own lives. They are responsible for creating and living their own lives, and they do. Their lives are theirs, not ours.

I believe that we are responsible in our lives to live well. That applies to our children. But whether or not they do is on them, not us. That also applies to us, that when we turn over our lives, our welfare, so that our children prosper, neglecting ourselves or permitting mistreatment, we are choosing to live badly. I believe we have the responsibility to ourselves and in our lives to live well. Living well includes not hurting ourselves or letting others hurt us.

I believe we are responsible for keeping ourselves on an even keel. That means, prolonging self-pity, guilt, catastrophizing, or regret for the path not taken, is a choice.. To overly indulge myself in these things, is my choice to hurt myself.

I can choose to suffer. Or not. I see this as a boundary issue. I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself, internal boundaries.
Internal boundaries are no different from the external boundaries we set for others. It's to set limits to self-hurt, to self-abuse.

You see, we hurt ourselves too. There is no reason to. And we can stop it.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You really don't deserve it.

Copa, You are so wise and put this so beautifully. It has taken me a long, long time to put myself first. My children are grown and like you said, their lives are theirs. They can make good choices or not...again their responsibility. I have chosen to live my life with joy, surrounded by positive people. You are one of the people who has guided me when I needed it. We all need to be kind to ourselves. Hugs, LetGo

 

[So Very Drained]

How. Please tell me how you do it. How do you let your adult child (mine is a 41 year old male) go after everything you've done to help? After all the times the bottom hasn't been the bottom? After years of him being homeless in the dead of winter, losing custody of his first child, now has shared custody of a second child, is working but can't be trusted with his or my money - and just today let's me know he's probably okay in his hotel room until Christmas but will have to leave it after that? You can't imagine the thousands of dollars I have spent to get him through his divorce and to not losing total custody of his current child - and here we are again. He "borrows" but ends up not paying it back and admitting that means he stole from me. Makes promises and doesn't follow through. No drug addiction but had a brain injury when he was 15 years old and seizures started in his early 20's - controlled by medications. I've tried every group for him. Disability. Shelters. Programs. NAMI. He's lived with me off and own over the years but no more - ever. He now lives in another state. And here we go again. He's smart as a whip. Manipulative. Knows exactly where my guilt button is. I am beside myself. And so very very very tired of this. I am a 66 year old Mom still working and still heartbroken as hell. There isn't an anti depressant strong enough for this.

 

[Copabanana]

How do you let your adult child (mine is a 41 year old male) go after everything you've done to help?

I don't believe I can let my child go. But I can accept the reality that doing for him doesn't help him. There are things my son can only do for himself, and I can't control whether or not he does them.

just today let's me know he's probably okay in his hotel room until Christmas but will have to leave it after that?

My son is homeless in the cold. He is brain injured and he is psychotic. As we speak he is manipulating me so as to return to an apartment in a house I own. He just left 2 weeks ago, trashing it, and not fulfilling any of the commitments he made. I have just reviewed online the options he has for mental health intensive outpatient treatment, partial hospitalization, and housing--all of which he refuses to do.

Your child has options too. I know he does. Our sons prefer us to help, because they can control us, abuse us, and they have learned that they call the shots, and we don't hold them accountable. This is why we become "so very drained."

I do not believe I have "let my child go" if I accept the reality that my "help" only hurts him and hurts me. There is real help. If my son won't accept it, that is not "letting go."

The real bottom is death. 'We on this forum have lost children to drugs and homelessness.. But the thing is, children die of overdoses and suicide in their parents homes. We have absolutely no way to protect our children or ourselves from life. My son in his psychosis and the personality he has developed through his lifestyle, is aggressive and he inivites altercations. What in the world can I do to stop him?

Do you believe there is something I can do, that I am not doing? If you think there is, can you tell me, and I will do it.

 

[Worndown68]

Worndown68, I totally respect you don’t want advice but am so glad you posted.
I’m saddened that you are struggling both health wise and financially, hardly no sleep for a week sounds beyond draining, you must be struggling to function . This time of year definitely brings up a lot of memories of what was/what we envisioned it would be like/or hoped it to be.
That sounds very hurtful and distressing, receiving that phone message from your daughter and then blank….nothing, after you had sent such a large amount of money, when all you wanted was a little reassurance.

I hope you know that it’s absolutely not your responsibility to give your adult children any money, not one more cent ever if you should decide not to. You texted your daughter after giving her such a generous gift offering words of support and just wanting a little reassurance…unfortunately I fear she didn’t care about your feelings or if your financially struggling, but only contacted you for money, knowing from previous experiences she’d get exactly what she wanted. You said that’s all they (both your daughters) want, but what about you Worndown68, what about what you want and need, for 50 years you’ve always put their wants and needs before yours. Your daughters haven’t changed their behaviours in 40 years, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can say or do that will ever change that, ever. Trying is only causing you detrimental pain in so many aspects, and it’s all in vain, they’ll do what they want to, regardless of whether your doing tip top or in the depths of despair, they will do what they choose to.

So I hope you can find it in your heart to start putting you first, minding yourself, and your health and spending YOUR money on you. You deserve peace, love and friendship (sounds like you have denied yourself this for far far too long), so I genuinely hope you allow yourself to have that in the knowledge your adult children are going to do what they choose to, totally irrespective of anything you say or do. If you do make new friends, you don’t have to divulge your daughters lifestyles if you don’t want to or equally friends with similar situations can be of great support and comfort…this site shows that such people do exist!

Your puppy sounds adorable, I’m glad ye found each other and that you have your grandchildren, and they have you. I hope you can start using your time and energy on people (and dogs ) that value you half as much as you value them.
I agree Copabanana has been like a guardian angel to me and so many others on here
Sending hugs to you and your puppy

 

[Worndown68]

Bettyboo44
I just re read your response, thank you for such wise advice. I have been in contact with the daughter I sent money to. She had another emergency (physical bust up) she ended up in Emergency Room and apparently has a new fracture to her already damaged leg. She said she refused an immobiliser because she can’t drive with it on. She is now staying with an older lady who has multiple health issues herself. I had sent her a new bed mattress and linens to this lady’s address last year. It does seem as though she can’t live anywhere for very long. She did tell me that she was up in federal court on Dec 4 for an incident that occurred with boyfriends aunt in spring. It was thrown out but I think it would have been very difficult and stressful. Maybe that was why she wanted to leave town? I listened to her for a long time and I felt so sorry for her. I don’t understand why if she was worried she didn’t do her absolute best to keep her job, I don’t know how she lost it. But it is and always seems to have been a pattern, losing jobs and a roof over her head. I think she was thankful I listened without judgement and sympathised. She has had a very difficult yea, she (fell downstairs ?) in October 2023 and has metal in several places in her right leg. She has done well even if loudly complaining the entire time she has a tendency to bad mouth doctors and nurses so maybe that went against her. I tried my best to encourage her, but I think she was hoping that I could wave a wand and find her an apartment and pay for it. I think both daughters think I am sitting on a pot of gold. Neither understand finances at all.Her final text said she would walk into the ocean with rocks in her pocket, Virginia Wolf ? I know she will never do that though. I don’t expect to hear from her for awhile. I did ask how much her car payment is but she didn’t answer that?
My other daughter sent me a cartoon video about being raised by a narcissistic mother, and praised Gabor Mat´e ? She said he had saved her life last year. Strangely enough I had his book The Myth of Normal downloaded already, so I listened to it.
He clearly states that he is not about blaming parents, but encourages figuring out your trauma and fixing it yoursel.
I think I had downloaded it because I found the title intriguing. Has anyone else heard him speak or read any of his books.
I have to take my puppy out now. But love and compassion to all of you. X

 

[LetGo]

Hello WornDown68, My user name is "LetGo" not because I will actually ever let go of my children in my heart...but because I have had to learn to LetGo and just let them continue to make the choices that they make as adults. This part has been very hard for me as I always felt that they really needed the help (they do need help but guess what, that help does not have to come from me). My daughter has really hit rock bottom and is in prison. I started putting myself and my husband first. I spent many years helping. Now it is time for me. As far as abusive and manipulative behavior goes, I repeat this mantra to myself "I don't need it, don't want it and most importantly, I don't deserve it." Hugs.