I finally threw her out

[Copabanana]

Look. You can rip yourself apart put yourself back together and do it over again. And it won't make your daughter whole. Why? Nobody's whole.

Leonard Cohen has a song with a lyric that says it all: the cracks are where the light gets in.

In my faith which I share with Cohen that light is G-d.

We are each of us on a journey thru life. Nobody can do it for somebody else. The why questions will only prompt us to find a culprit, which usually leads us back to us.

While I have deep affection and respect for the other posters whose words led you to express you didn't parent your child, I disagree wholeheartedly.

You parented the best you could. Just as we all do. That other parent, every other parent--me, you, all of us do the best we can do. There is no perfect parent. They don't exist. That is what Naina is trying to tell you. And that is what Leonard Cohen is telling you too.

The answers for your daughter she will find. Each of us is on a quest to find our own.

 

[RPmom]

Look to. You can rip yourself apart put yourself back together and do it over again. And it won't make your daughter whole. Why? Nobody's whole.

Leonard Cohen has a song with a lyric that says it all: the cracks are where the light gets in.

In my faith which I share with Cohen that light is G-d.

We are each of us on a journey thru life. Nobody can do it for somebody else. The why questions will only prompt us to find a culprit, which usually leads us back to us.

While I have deep affection and respect for the poster whose words led you to express you didn't parent your child, I disagree wholeheartedly.

You parented the best you could. Just as we all do. That other parent, you, me, you, all of us do the best we can do. There is no perfect parent. They don't exist. That is what Naina is trying to tell you.

The answers for your daughter she will find. Each of us is on a quest to find our own.

 

[RPmom]

I’m still learning how to use this site so I don’t know how to quote what you said “the cracks arewhere the light come in”; but it is one of my favorite quotes. I so love it. I am so grateful and feel so blessed that you recited that line to me.

 

[Tired out]

My daughter has been a compulsive liar as long as I can remember but I do not remember one time making her suffer consequences for that, In fact, a lot of times even when I knew she was lying I couldn’t prove it so I just either gave up her gave her the benefit of the doubt.When she began stealing, she was stealing from me

Take it for me it wouldn't have done you a bit of good to have consequences. Our son did the same thing. there were consequences. they did not good. last time he stole from us the consequence was that he had to change his ways or get out. he stormed out. I think he expected to come back the next day but that did not happen. We didn't allow it. I don't know if he is still stealing form anyone. He is a very good liar. I haven't seen his nae in the paper for being arrested or anything.
when I said you hadn't parented. i was just going on the 1st post where you said your parents raised her and you weren't around. But as a single parent you had to work. lots of kids grow-up going to after school care , they don't get to go home to grandma and grandpa and they still turn out fine. What went on besides that, I don't know. But quit beating yourself up. As you meet parents on the board you will see many of these kids had a Disneyland childhood and yet..here we are! Mine had it all and I don't think he had a clue how lucky he was. The only fault I can see in his child hood is that his dad worked a lot of hours, but still made time for whatever Ben wanted to do as far as sports and activities and that we relocated away form extended family when he was in kindergarten, he thinks THAT ruined his life! Lots of families relocate and the kids don't tern into nasty, lying thiefs and druggies.
I hope your daughter and my son wake up and realize life is too short to make it miserable.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome. You've gotten great advice. I'll reiterate on what I feel is most important.

My advice would be to find a therapist that specializes in addiction that can help educate you on how to form boundaries for yourself with your daughter. She needs them as much as you do! This does not mean you do not love her. This is because you love her.

She should never live with you again. She needs a long term rehab program in my opinion. She is a grown woman and needs to start acting like one which is first and foremost to face the consequences of her actions and behavior. If we do not let them suffer the consequences of their bad choices, they do not learn. They will never learn. Her thinking needs to be changed and that is on HER.

I really am glad you had an awakening that you needed to make changes in order to get your life turned around and live YOUR life with purpose and meaning. Our time here is so short and we need to do some good in this world while we are here!! You cannot do that if you are in a drug or alcohol haze.

I recommend looking to your higher power, which is God for me, and start implementing his word into your life. It will give you great strength and peace.

Good luck.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Please stop blaming yourself. You have no way of knowing if she would have turned out differently if your life had been different. Sometimes they are just born with personality issues. There are people out there who were there 24hrs a day and still turn out homeless, ungrateful,rude, addicts, etc.

Begin with yourself in therapy and support group. Guilt equals enabling. Do not allow her or boyfriends to live with you. Your home is a sanctuary. On this forum is an article on detachment and enabling vs. not enabling. Print it out, put it on your refrigerator.

Have a written response when she calls for money, cries, begs for help, to come home. Maybe something like: I love you and I know you will figure this out on your own. I have to go. Do not get into conversations and explanations with her- this is how they suck you back in. Keep it simple. The more you do this easier it will be.


Clean and paint the room.

These kids are survivors. There are shelters where she can stay. She will couch surf. Do not worry about her being cold and homeless she will figure it out. They always do. Take this from me as my son has lived on the streets, homeless, couch surfed, rented from slumlord, for 18 yrs. He now rents a room from his payee. They know where to go for free food from shelters to churches to various organizations. They know how to panhandle.

The only way to change your life, is to take it back. Nothing changes until it changes.

 

[Misssy2]

Yikes, I saw the turn when she moved from her Grandparents house to your house...I think she lost the little bit of structure she had left and went haywire.

I believe that substance addictions are hereditary and that she is also escaping her feelings, situations and problems with drugs or alcohol....and in order to do that because she doesn't have a job...she is stealing for it...and yes addicts will steal from those they love the most "her Grandfather"....A teens brain works different than ours...she was probably thinking she wasn't hurting him..because she thought she was getting away with it.

Her life is in chaos...I don't know if there are any programs like halfway houses around you ..but if there are...these places as you might know...will help her live sober and deal...and also help locate her a job and eventually housing....

Its best that she is away from you...because you have not learned to set boundaries (I am just learning at 54)...and you need a lot of counseling to get you thru on how to build a new relationship with her.

Cause right now she does not respect you...and you do not respect her.....and you both need to learn how to be adults....I'm not saying that to be mean...I also am still growing into an adult.

My kids had a dysfunctional family life due to my drinking and my X's domestic violence...and it takes a LOT to heal everyone from those wounds and neither or you can do it alone...

On my end...my son refuses any help...So I am the one getting the help and doing the work for both of us...its slow...but I am seeing results from just me getting help.