I may just report my son to his parole officer

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ckay87, Nov 26, 2019.

  1. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    My problem son was set up to live in a rental property owned by his father when I moved on to have a lovely and peaceful life with my boyfriend several months ago. Son is an absolute disaster. I've mentioned the details in other conversations. Aside from not working and barely functioning at ALL, he's added to the mix some pretty heavy paranoia and, word has it, hallucinating. I'm not ruling out mental illness, but it's more likely he's back into some real drug use. His father and I are working on convincing him to attend rehab. He's been down that road before. But, as most of you probably know, that's useless unless the addict wants and is willing to participate in treatment.

    So here's my backup plan. And this may or may not make me a horrible person, but that line is pretty fine these days, so I can't really tell....He's on parole. He was released on parole (multiple DUI charges) in June 2018. He is currently on minimal supervision because I suspect they have bigger fish to fry. But he has done NOTHING that is required of him in his terms of parole AND he's getting worse. I very well may contact his parole officer and put a bug in his ear that things aren't going so well. The man asked me, during the only time I met him, that I let him know if things start taking a turn for the worse. My thoughts at the time were that I'd just stay out of it, but now I'm thinking otherwise. Now, doing so may or may not land him back in jail, but honestly, it wouldn't be the worst thing. It's just a matter of time before he crashes and burns somehow, anyway. Perhaps I should let him crash and burn (and hope no third parties get hurt in the process), or perhaps I should encourage the legal system to intervene.

    I guess I'm just thinking out loud at this point. But if my thinking is way off OR if anyone has had this similar experience, definitely chime in here.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Ckay

    I can tell you that I would report him if he were my son. You pretty much answered every question and checked all the boxes as to why you should report him.

    He's not doing anything he is supposed to do. You were asked to let them know if he takes a turn for the worse.

    When my son was young I was always afraid to "get him into more trouble". HE was the one doing that, not me. I now wish I had just not worried about that part of it.

    Many parents say they are happy/relieved when the legal system gets involved. Sometimes that makes them want to do better. Sometimes something drastic has to happen to turn them around.

    Just my two cents.
  3. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I appreciate your two cents. You know, I'm the one who had him hauled off to jail the first time, so I don't even know why I'm hesitating. He'd been on probation at the time and was just barely a free man. One day he threatened me, I said "uh, nope," called the cops and they carted him away. He was gone for a year and yes, it was a relief.

    Again, thanks for your input, you are so right.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think this is where the hesitation comes in, the thinking that it would make you a horrible person.

    Contacting his parole officer does not make you a horrible person. It makes you a mother who cares about her son's well being. Your son has had plenty of time to make some better lifestyle choices and he has chosen not to. If it were me, I would contact the parole officer.

    ((HUGS)) to you..................
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  5. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I don’t know really what the right answer is. I often wish most times there was a hand book to give me the right answers but honestly I usually pray about it. Either my vision becomes clear for me and my part or sons paths for better or usually worst become evident.

    Lately as much as I pray for both my sons I sadly feel like they are strangers to me. The distance is what I needed for detaching and it has helped but by doing that I’m kind of grieving what was my perception of what I thought I meant to them and what we had for better or worst.
    it’s better for me if I don’t dwell on those thoughts too long or I get in a funk.

    Praying you make the right decision.
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  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I would not get involved or get into a texting war afterward at all but turning him in may keep him safe for a little longer. It may not help him but you will have some peace if he is in jail or forced rehab. Don't feel horrible. You are a loving mom!
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  7. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I called and planted a bug in the officer's ear. He was rude (because I swear, that is in their very job description :pouting2:) and wouldn't assure me that my "tip" would be anonymous. I don't normally worry about my own safety with respect to my son, but there have been some anger issues and you never know. So yeah, that's probably the last time I'll get involved with that guy. BUT, he's bringing son in for a pee test. I'm sure I'll hear about it soon enough. Ugh
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Ugh indeed.

    You do not have to read his texts or answer his calls. I would not. What is the point? He will be abusive and you will find yourself defensive and second guessing yourself. My own rule is not to verbally engage. That's throwing fuel on the fire.

    Do you have any alarms or other security devices on your home? He should not be allowed inside.

    I send prayers. I am so sorry.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Keep us posted!

    I hope that you have a blessed Thanksgiving!
  10. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    CKay, I agree with or like what others have said. I think using an option submitted to you by the only person in a position to make the evaluation is the right thing to do. It saddens me that our system is overloaded and broken, but it's all we have. I sometimes think it would be best for my Difficult Child daughter to go to jail for her drinking, then maybe she could dry out and make lucid choices, whatever they might me. We do the best we can with what we have, there is no shame in that, only love. The rest is up to our Difficult Child.

    In healing
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Me too, I would contact his parole officer. It’s not a horrible thing. It’s called tough love. I think tough, because all of this with our kids is so tough on us. Too bad it affects their free wheeling drugging lifestyle. Which of course in the short and long run is not a good thing for them.
    Peace to you
  12. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    In the 3 months I've lived here, he hasn't been to visit. He doesn't know my address and doesn't drive. As sad as that sounds, it's a good thing. I hate that I'm glad to be hiding from my own son.
  13. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't blame you for contacting his parole officer. Probably nothing will come of it. Still, it's good to keep these things documented.
  14. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I had no idea how right I was to contact his parole officer that day.

    On thanksgiving, I brought him to my house for dinner. Fortunately only a few family members were there. He was confused, weak and extremely paranoid. I tried to keep him calm and distracted with tv but he was all over the place.

    At a certain point he approached my boyfriend and kind of shouldered him. boyfriend laughed but I recognized the aggression immediately and got my purse to take him home. Anyway, without continuing the play-by-play, son eventually pulled out a knife on us (one of my butcher knives that he'd hidden up his sleeve). We locked him out of the house and called the police.

    Still had a lovely dinner but yeah....he's back in jail now. I haven't heard from him, which is perfectly fine for now. I have no idea what will come next, but I sincerely hope he stays where he is. The drug use is undeniable, of course, but I'm seeing pretty clear evidence of mental illness as well. His uncle on my ex's side is schizophrenic, which is hereditary I believe. I'm sad, angry, and very much dread what may be a very long road. For now, he's where he needs to be.
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2019
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    WOW!! Mother's intuition is never wrong it seems.

    So glad that no one got hurt!

    For your son I hope that what seems to be a setback will propel him to turn his life around.

    My son just admitted to depression so is on medication. He was drinking recently to "feel better". I think that is perhaps what started his drug use many years ago. He said he doesn't know because he isn't a professional.

    Glad that you were able to get enjoyment out of the day in spite of the commotion he caused.

    Keep us posted.
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I am so very, very sorry. Safety is my biggest reason to suggest that loving parents not allow their beloved troubled kids in the home. Many use drugs. Many are mentally ill on top of it with the instability that this can cause. Some are just impulsive and unpredictable.

    For years Kay has only been allowed to see us in crowded coffee houses and restaurants. As long as we paid her bills this rule did not bother her in the least! As soon as the bank of Parental Codependency closed, of course, we were horrible people who did not allow her in our home. She never brought up that she stole and threw tantrums and broke our treasures and attempted to harm people. And we didn't remind her

    We do what we must to keep everyone safe, even them. How awful he would have felt later on if he had hurt anyone! Calling the police helped him.

    Meth use can cause psychosis.

    Pot can trigger schizophrenia in people who have a dormant gene.

    You did the right, loving thing for your son. He was out of control and needed help. It's sad that in our country help is jail or else just 72 hrs. in a psychiatric hospital. Sigh.

    Maybe it's your time to take good care of you and your more stable loved ones. We can not manage those who are not able to think with calmness and in a rational way. Been there/tried that.

    Blessings and hoping you can get help for yourself and that you find peace. Sending hugs.
  17. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    Literally every single word of this post was helpful, informative and comforting, thank you.
  18. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    ckay, I’m so sorry this happened to you but so glad no one was hurt and that your son was safely detained.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry Okay, that must have been so scary. Hopefully your son has a chance to get clean and address his issues.
    I have not seen my two daughters for a very long time, in the real sense. They have been drugknapped by meth and are not in their right mind. It is a strange world they live in, so different than how we raised them. I don’t try to contact them and am leery when they approach me, be it by text or showing up at my home.
    This puts us in the realm of “It us what it is.” It is not an easy place to be, especially around the holidays, but what choice do we have?
    I don’t know what came first, drug use, mental health issues, a mix of the two? All I know is that I cannot live in fear of what may happen.
    For me, jail for my two would be a relief, at least I know where they are, three squares, possible help. How strange to write that, but it’s the awful truth. I hope you are being very kind to yourself and allowing yourself time to recover from the shock of events on Thursday. It is a terrible ordeal to see our beloveds in such a state of mind. I am sorry for the pain of it. I am glad you and your family are safe and that your son is where he needs to be.
  20. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I just want to hug you through the screen. I am fairly certain meth is what has "drugnapped" my son (this time, at least). He is 5' 10" and just weighed in at115 pounds. :cry: