I need advice ASAP

[BusynMember]

Tanya...thanks for pointing out that we can be attached to ANYTHING. I'd never thought about that! You can also take negative feelings out on an inanimate object, like a house. The house I grew up in is not somewhere I'd ever like to walk through again.

You always have such good points.

 

[JulieAnn]

SoTired, first I'm sending you a ((HUG)).

Your daughter is playing you. If her apology was sincere she would not have come back to you with such hatefulness. You did not respond to her in the way she expected so she is lashing out.
You do not deserve to be treated with such disdain.

It's time to stop walking on egg shells. It's time to stop allowing your daughter to hold your emotions hostage. She is trying to engage you into an argument.
You see if our Difficult Child can't get us to do what they want like giving them money or letting them move in with us then they go on the attack. They will come at us with such hatred, accusing us of being the worst parent on the planet. They want us to weaken in our resolve, they want us question ourselves, they want to break us and if they can break us they can control us.

You ARE strong enough to stand up against her. You are standing on firm ground not on egg shells.

If it were me, I would limit contact with her. Again, she will try to engage you into an argument, don't let her do that. I would simply reply to her saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and when she comes back with something else, just keep repeating the same thing. The same simple response. She will grow tired of it.

You can do this. You are not alone. When those times come where you feel like you can't handle it remember all of us here, we are with you.

You're right, she's playing her Mom. I think it was Done Dad who said "You're the ATM machine, they know the PIN".

 

[Tanya M]

Thanks @SomewhereOutThere

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Difficult Child told me he was diagnosed with and then proceeded to tell me it's all my fault. He also told me I was evil and some of the things your daughter says to you. Now, all this is always said with such hate and extreme, scary anger. Also, how I will never see my grandson, I will die alone and even that he hopes I die.

I wish I could take those words out of your heart.

I am so sorry he said something like that to you.

SWOT is so right when she says don't let her know how much it bothers you because she will use it. I always act like all his threats didn't bother me from threatening to kill me, wouldn't it be ashame if my house burned down while I was sleeping, how you can get someone to do anything for money. Of course inside I was in terror but I have never acknowledged any of it.

You have had to be very brave.

I think I will start a gratitude journal, to help shift my focus.

That helps me. To remember what I do have, I mean. Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnack, consists of one to two page essays on all things female. It is beautifully written.

I will fake it until I make it.

I love this. That is what they tell us, alright. "Behave as if...." I liked that you wrote about smiling and endorphins. At our house? We add "lift your eyebrows". Our daughter came up with that one, actually. (Man, I am heartsick about what your boy said to you. It just hit me again, when I posted that sentence about our daughter. That must be what it is like for you. I am so sorry.)

She has never held a job and does nothing to try to help herself...she will be 40 in February,and of course this is all my fault, funny thing is sometimes I think it is!!!

SWOT has posted information on personality disorder and emotional illness for us in the past, soooo tired. Reading that information helped me understand that much of what was happening really was no one's fault. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't even my Difficult Child's fault.

So all at once, I could hear how to detach from the emotions that were swamping me. Then, I began to be able to reclaim myself from that lost place we get into, little piece by little piece, day by day. SWOT also came up with the phrase "differently wired children". That too was helpful to me, was a good way for me to visualize how the problems and issues began and what they meant and whether they meant anything.

We've recently gone through something similar with our 41 year old daughter. If you can be crystal clear that she can not live with you, that will help you both in the long run. In the beginning we had thought we might have to care for her, so we had to do an about face. I am so glad we did. It was tough, but over time she pulled her life back together in the most amazing way. So now, I post about looking at saying no to one of the kids moving in, and no to money, as making a space for something new to happen.

That helped me.

Regarding whose "fault" any of this is? That is a manipulation. I know you know that. I think the kids use it to shock us and take the attention away from what they did. But I see it this way, now: They can do whatever they want. Anything at all. And then, I say things like: "You are bright and capable and you can figure this out." "I love you." "No one can move home." "I'm sorry that happened. What are you going to do?" Stuff like that. It really helps to know what I am going to say ahead of time.

When I am in the thick of it, I cannot think. It's like my brain freezes.

Some times, I have to remind myself to breathe.

I feel badly for you that you are selling your house. Tanya and SWOT have excellent points, though. Maybe you could see it as an adventure. You will be creating a whole new you.

Cedar