i need advice asap!!!!
- Thread starter sooooo tired
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
This is a temporary fix at best to my way of thinking.
As long as your daughter chooses to expose her child to this dangerous situation, this will continue. Like a revolving door. If she is asserting that there are dangerous things happening, I would believe her. The only way to deal with this is to call the authorities every single time. That is the only way there will be a record so that the child can be protected.
I would think about whether taking the child, who will soon return to the same dangerous environment, is protecting the child or enabling your daughter to continue as she has been doing. If your daughter consistently chooses to participate in havoc and drama, that she herself is describing as dangerous, the child is danger, and will return to a dangerous situation, that over time, will get worse.
Taking the child away for a night or couple of days--is it really a solution?
Only the authorities can protect the child. Unless your daughter gives legal custody to a family member who is able to alternatively parent the child.
Of course your feelings in this are important, but more pressing is that the child be protected.
You might want to post to enlist ideas and support for how to handle this the the next time. Because there will be a next time. All this child seems to have is you and your other children. To my way of thinking a more permanent solution needs to be thought of, if this child is living in risk.
COPA
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AppleCori
Well-Known Member
How are you doing today, ST?
I hope you were able to sleep well.
Copa is right, ST, in that this is only a temporary reprieve. This will happen again and again, and probably escalate each time. Picking up the baby whenever they fight is not a good or permanent solution.
Unless your daughter agrees to sign over custody of the baby to her sister until she gets her life together on her own (not sure if sis is even able to take the child), you will need to get the authorities involved, ultimately.
It would make sense that it happens sooner rather than later.
You should get together with other daughter today and make a plan for what to do when this happens next time. You both have been dancing to the Difficult Child tune for so long, hoping that doing the same thing over and over will ultimately produce a different result. It won't. Time to take control of your reactions and do the right thing, no matter the cost to your relationship with Difficult Child.
Many of us have had to do this, in one form or another.
Think about it.
We are here.
Apple
I hope you were able to sleep well.
Copa is right, ST, in that this is only a temporary reprieve. This will happen again and again, and probably escalate each time. Picking up the baby whenever they fight is not a good or permanent solution.
Unless your daughter agrees to sign over custody of the baby to her sister until she gets her life together on her own (not sure if sis is even able to take the child), you will need to get the authorities involved, ultimately.
It would make sense that it happens sooner rather than later.
You should get together with other daughter today and make a plan for what to do when this happens next time. You both have been dancing to the Difficult Child tune for so long, hoping that doing the same thing over and over will ultimately produce a different result. It won't. Time to take control of your reactions and do the right thing, no matter the cost to your relationship with Difficult Child.
Many of us have had to do this, in one form or another.
Think about it.
We are here.
Apple
sooooo tired
soooootired
thank you apple..I slept ok. thanks for asking. Although when this happens I am a wreck no matter how hard I try not to be! You see I have had problems with depression and anxiety all my life, so when she goes off I cannot handle it! I want to be strong but I am not. I don't know how to turn off my mind! She always badgers me and tells me how pathetic I am because I can't handle anything!! And she is right....I can't seem to be strong no matter what I do....I just always want to just run from it all!!! The sad thing is that no matter if we do take my grandson, he always wants to go home to his mom! How do you handle that?
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
Sooooo tired,
Anyone would be stressed with what is happening with your daughter and grandson. You aren't pathetic and don't listen to her talk negatively about you. You want to run because it's the natural gut reaction.
I taught preschool for 9 years, so I can address what you say to your grandson. First, be truthful with him. Tell him you know that he wants to see mommy. It's actually a good sign that he is attached to her. Don't tell him that he will be seeing her or staying with her unless you are positive it will happen. If you don't know when he will see her again, tell him that. Tell him his mother loves him and wants him to be safe. Tell him that she misses him too and will see him as soon as she can. Tell him he is safe with you. Do fun things with him to help him de-stress.
Every child is different, but boys typically love duplos and cars. They like running around at the park. Pounding on play-doh is also a great stress reliever. The more active you can keep him, the less stressed he will be.
It would be great if you could get him a photo of his mom or a stuffed animal or blanket from his house to sleep with. Little kids find a lot of comfort in familiar items.
One year I taught a girl whose father left her family for a second family that he had on the side in another state (what a dirtbag). He would drop her at school and leave to go to the other state for an undetermined amount of time. I would take her to the classroom, sit in a chair with her in my lap, and just hold her. She sobbed for a few minutes but after a bit would get interested in the other children playing. Once she was playing, she forgot to feel sad. She needed to feel loved and safe first, then she could go back to being a child and explore.
You could also take him to the library to find books to read to him. Essentially, ANYTHING you do with him will be a step in the right direction. I hope this helps.
Anyone would be stressed with what is happening with your daughter and grandson. You aren't pathetic and don't listen to her talk negatively about you. You want to run because it's the natural gut reaction.
I taught preschool for 9 years, so I can address what you say to your grandson. First, be truthful with him. Tell him you know that he wants to see mommy. It's actually a good sign that he is attached to her. Don't tell him that he will be seeing her or staying with her unless you are positive it will happen. If you don't know when he will see her again, tell him that. Tell him his mother loves him and wants him to be safe. Tell him that she misses him too and will see him as soon as she can. Tell him he is safe with you. Do fun things with him to help him de-stress.
Every child is different, but boys typically love duplos and cars. They like running around at the park. Pounding on play-doh is also a great stress reliever. The more active you can keep him, the less stressed he will be.
It would be great if you could get him a photo of his mom or a stuffed animal or blanket from his house to sleep with. Little kids find a lot of comfort in familiar items.
One year I taught a girl whose father left her family for a second family that he had on the side in another state (what a dirtbag). He would drop her at school and leave to go to the other state for an undetermined amount of time. I would take her to the classroom, sit in a chair with her in my lap, and just hold her. She sobbed for a few minutes but after a bit would get interested in the other children playing. Once she was playing, she forgot to feel sad. She needed to feel loved and safe first, then she could go back to being a child and explore.
You could also take him to the library to find books to read to him. Essentially, ANYTHING you do with him will be a step in the right direction. I hope this helps.
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Of course he wants his mom, ST.
All kids do. Even abused kids want to be with their parents. They also want the abuse to stop, and for the parents to start acting like adults.
Your grandson wants his mom, but he also wants and needs the fighting and arguing to stop and for his parents to provide a safe and happy home, whether together or apart. This is probably not going to happen without intervention.
ST, you are not pathetic or weak. I am shocked that someone would say this to their mother. This is abuse. You don't have to put up with it. Many of us (probably most) have had to deal with an abusive adult child. Many of us have had to institute boundaries. We have to hang up or leave when our adult Difficult Child gets abusive.
In fact, you are strong enough not to let her move in with you, ST.
I have to say, gently, ST, that your daughter is the last person who should be telling someone else that they are not handling their business.
Is your grandson back with his mother?
Start thinking about what you will say/do next time you get a call from Difficult Child. If you have your responses pre-thought-out, it will be easier.
All kids do. Even abused kids want to be with their parents. They also want the abuse to stop, and for the parents to start acting like adults.
Your grandson wants his mom, but he also wants and needs the fighting and arguing to stop and for his parents to provide a safe and happy home, whether together or apart. This is probably not going to happen without intervention.
ST, you are not pathetic or weak. I am shocked that someone would say this to their mother. This is abuse. You don't have to put up with it. Many of us (probably most) have had to deal with an abusive adult child. Many of us have had to institute boundaries. We have to hang up or leave when our adult Difficult Child gets abusive.
In fact, you are strong enough not to let her move in with you, ST.
I have to say, gently, ST, that your daughter is the last person who should be telling someone else that they are not handling their business.
Is your grandson back with his mother?
Start thinking about what you will say/do next time you get a call from Difficult Child. If you have your responses pre-thought-out, it will be easier.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
You are not pathetic, you are you, and that is the only person you can be.
What is pathetic, is for a daughter to badger her mother, blame her for her bad choices, expect help, get it, and be disrespectful at the same time.
It is abusive and unacceptable.
And that is pathetic.
We had our grands for awhile ST. They were not our responsibility, we stepped in when we could. They wanted to be with their mom, too. That is where they are now. Kids grow up in tough situations and figure out if they want better lives or not. CPS got involved a few times with my grands, the goal was always reunification.
With all we did and put in, Tornado on a rampage, left with all three saying "These are my kids you have no right to tell me what to do." It was hard, but true.
Later that day, her boyfriend called and said "I have the kids......" I said " They are your children you and their mom will have to figure this out."
It sounds harsh, but I came to realize that if they continued to stay in my home, it would slowly kill all of us. Reason being, they had no respect, the grands we're learning through that not to be respectful. I love them all and want better for them but not at my, my husbands and sons expense. Someone had to put a stop to it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
The change wasn't happening with my daughter, so it had to be me. Not easy. But totally necessary. Kids do want their parents. It is natural. I see it all the time, grandparents raising grands, and the grands resent it. So now we are talking generations of d cs. Where does it end?
I don't want to raise disgruntled grands. If I continue to step in and rescue my grands, when do their parents step up?
Each families situation is unique. Only you can determine how you will deal with all of this. We will be here for you, when you need us.
One thing I can tell you, is no matter what your challenges are, anxiety, depression, you are a mother and a grandmother.
No one should talk to you the way your daughter does.
It is unacceptable. This, you can stand up to.
Stand up for yourself Soootired.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
What is pathetic, is for a daughter to badger her mother, blame her for her bad choices, expect help, get it, and be disrespectful at the same time.
It is abusive and unacceptable.
And that is pathetic.
We had our grands for awhile ST. They were not our responsibility, we stepped in when we could. They wanted to be with their mom, too. That is where they are now. Kids grow up in tough situations and figure out if they want better lives or not. CPS got involved a few times with my grands, the goal was always reunification.
With all we did and put in, Tornado on a rampage, left with all three saying "These are my kids you have no right to tell me what to do." It was hard, but true.
Later that day, her boyfriend called and said "I have the kids......" I said " They are your children you and their mom will have to figure this out."
It sounds harsh, but I came to realize that if they continued to stay in my home, it would slowly kill all of us. Reason being, they had no respect, the grands we're learning through that not to be respectful. I love them all and want better for them but not at my, my husbands and sons expense. Someone had to put a stop to it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
The change wasn't happening with my daughter, so it had to be me. Not easy. But totally necessary. Kids do want their parents. It is natural. I see it all the time, grandparents raising grands, and the grands resent it. So now we are talking generations of d cs. Where does it end?
I don't want to raise disgruntled grands. If I continue to step in and rescue my grands, when do their parents step up?
Each families situation is unique. Only you can determine how you will deal with all of this. We will be here for you, when you need us.
One thing I can tell you, is no matter what your challenges are, anxiety, depression, you are a mother and a grandmother.
No one should talk to you the way your daughter does.
It is unacceptable. This, you can stand up to.
Stand up for yourself Soootired.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Sooo Tired. Like many of us you are sooo hard on yourself. Quit it.
We change when we come here to CD and stop dancing to our kid's tune, and begin to remember that we each have our own tune which we have suppressed, either because we are weary or feel guilty to even have a life.
If you look at my posts in the past few days I refer to myself as fleeing ISIS (my son) wanting to cross the Mediterranean in a raft to escape him. Or alternatively, wanting to surrender. I have said I am in a big green tank, with 3' wide wheels, and guns ready...to defend myself from him. Does this sound like coping?
But we are, you and I. The thing that unites us, too, is our self-perception as weak and defenseless. It is not true. It just feels that way.
About your grandson. They cry when we leave them at kindergarten, too. And then you peak in through the window, and they are smiling and laughing and playing.
Your daughter loves her child. That is not enough. She needs to care for him.
Everything in the world is not your fault, Sooo Tired. Please get that straight. I wish you would join us on FOO.
Anyway, today sounds better than yesterday. Keep posting.
COPA
This is sooo true...of each of us.
We change when we come here to CD and stop dancing to our kid's tune, and begin to remember that we each have our own tune which we have suppressed, either because we are weary or feel guilty to even have a life.
OMG, I cannot handle anything these past few years.
If you look at my posts in the past few days I refer to myself as fleeing ISIS (my son) wanting to cross the Mediterranean in a raft to escape him. Or alternatively, wanting to surrender. I have said I am in a big green tank, with 3' wide wheels, and guns ready...to defend myself from him. Does this sound like coping?
But we are, you and I. The thing that unites us, too, is our self-perception as weak and defenseless. It is not true. It just feels that way.
About your grandson. They cry when we leave them at kindergarten, too. And then you peak in through the window, and they are smiling and laughing and playing.
I agree with pigless. It IS a good sign that he misses his Mommy. That does not mean he needs to go down the drain with her. To watch her be abused. To live in that chaos. To be used as a pawn and bargaining chip. To be disregarded and ignored. to be allowed to witness this kind of degradation, and gradually to believe it is his fault and he does not deserve more. Because if he was a good boy...they would care about him.
Your daughter loves her child. That is not enough. She needs to care for him.
Everything in the world is not your fault, Sooo Tired. Please get that straight. I wish you would join us on FOO.
Anyway, today sounds better than yesterday. Keep posting.
COPA
sooooo tired
soooootired
I just want to enjoy whats left of life. I had a boyfriend 3 years ago that helped me with her so much!! He made me strong and as long as he was around she knew not to annoy me! But sadly I lost him to cancer. I have not dated since. She has had me on this roller coaster ride since she was 18. I want to get off and if it wasnt for my grandson I could much easier. This is her 4th child all from different men. She has an 18 year old and a 21 year old, both boys. They are completley irresponsible also. She has a little girl that is 12 and lives with her dad. She hardly ever sees her. Then she goes and has another one and that is my 3 year old grandson. He is so sweet, but I fear he wont be when the 2 of them get done with him!! I work full time and so does my well daughter. She gas a 10 month old. I just don't want to deal with this anymore!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Soooo Tired, I am very sorry you lost him. What a good man.
There will be somebody else. When you least expect him to arrive. He will. He will knock on your door and you will know. I hope he comes soon.
COPA
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
ST,
I'm so sorry that you lost him to cancer. Do you remember what he used to say to you? Let his words guide you when dealing with your daughter. I agree that it takes a ton of strength to say no to her living with you. It also takes strength to continue to love your grandson. I think you are far stronger than your daughter believes. She is only hoping to manipulate you into doing what she refuses to do for herself. It's her roller coaster; you don't need to ride it.
So true. It sounds as though she has made some poor life choices.
