I'm so sorry. You say you want to make sense of his position. Can you really? Why put pressure on yourself to understand what is never going to be understandable? Why not just accept that it is and not torture yourself? You want him to accept your position. Is he capable of that? Isn't his thinking so distorted that he's just not capable? Aren't you beating yourself up about something that you cannot change? One of mine had a BD today too. I had hoped to at least see him. Preferably have dinner with him. None of that was as important to him as it was to me. He slept and "hung out" all morning.. tll he had to be at work at 4 p.m. 4 pm! Well he's almost 30. I can't force him. I suspect there was a great deal of time spent today with a drug still illegal in my state. I hate it! It does him no good. Its self- medication for ADHD. I traded texts with him. I talked to him on the phone. All innocuous. So how do I make myself feel better? I spent some time thinking about the first time I saw him, held him. His BD parties when he was little. The smiles and hugs when he was a kid. I may not approve of his choices but they're his. I cannot make myself unhappy because of his choices. Not the same situation. But focus on the positive and detach from the negative.