Thank you each of you. I wrote a book.
Perhaps it would help to try to separate the behaviors you actually object to - not paying rent, ring irresponsible with money, etc - from the pot smoking
I think this is the core of it. Clearly he uses the pot to self-medicate. He not only uses it to escape, he escapes a reality that is painful to him.
That said. For the longest time we did not interfere with his pot use. Especially when he used a prescription to get it. But the prescription fell through the cracks and he began to buy it on the street. We left it alone. But he was high all of the time. It was the elephant in the living room.
If it were me, I would search for treatments, activities that address the pain, it pains me that he does not. That is clearly my pain, and I do not have a right to impose that on him. I see that.
try to separate the behaviors you actually object to - not paying rent, ring irresponsible with money, etc - from the pot smoking
focus more on the end result
I am going to talk out of the other side of my mouth here. And I will say that even though I know that he has issues that are primary, and pot is a symptom, the pot causes problems in itself. He wants all of his money for the pot. This is his business model and one reason we keep running into problems. He feels his SSI money should be his allowance to buy pot and go to movies and to buy food he likes and supplements.
But to return to the pot. It is like the 12 step addiction model. Whether or not there are other problems (there always are) such as mental or physical illness or family problems, as long as the drug or alcohol is seen as the solution, we are lost. But I see that if he is dependent upon a drug or a behavior this is highly personal and not the right of a mother to address. I can rightfully put a limit for myself but not him.
Nobody can do this for another person or force them to do this. I see that.
Even drawing it up in a written lease that he signs
I do not think legally I can mix tenants rights with maternal rights.
1) treat him like any other tenant.
I have an out here. While pot is legal in my state, it is not legally federally, and I have a right to say no drugs on my property. I have the right to say that for him and for any other tenant.
Clear eviction process if he does not comply.
I think this makes sense. Whether or not I decide this, it is logical.
If he chooses to remain homeless rather than follow reasonable rules
Where we are getting here is defining what are reasonable rules. Thank you.
If this is mostly M. i would rethink giving him the heavy role
I agree here, SWOT. Thank you.
isn't that what we're looking for here? That he is responsible for him?
Yes. But in his mind he is responsible for him. Thinking this way, he is being responsible for himself living in the street. It is just that this eats me up alive
J has SSI, right? You may have to simply accept he will never hold much of a job.
rent out that place and make some money on it
This is Lil's second option. I really like this option. I brought up to M yesterday the possibility that if J came back he would move back in to our house. There is a way to separate a wing, which has its own entrance and bathroom. M asked if I could bear this. He said he would only accept J back if he lived in the separate space and not in ours.
let him live his own life.
There are two ways to look at this. His autonomy, and support. He has wanted both. His autonomy with support. I can surely understand that he would want both, but this has driven me nuts. Because he wants to live as he wants to live--with my help. That is the problem in a nutshell. And I can't bear aspects of how he lives….And there are things I do not want to help him do. Like smoke pot.
But I see what you are saying. If I insist that he meets his responsibilities with me, it is his right to behave as he chooses. So. If I put it this way, I am the one who has fallen down on the job, by not identifying sufficiently and properly holding him to reasonable and appropriate rules.
there is a 3 - You could tell him he can have the apartment IF and list the conditions
Well. This is what we have been doing, but not entirely well. This is M's position.
What have I learned in the course of this posting:
The thing that gives me the most space to breathe...is the idea of renting the space out....That surprises me.
The second thing is that I have not sufficiently accepted that my son may not change. That this is his baseline. That he does not aspire to or value what I have chosen for myself. And that there is movement for the positive over time, and that is both good and more than that--he has a right to define his course and his pace, independent of me.
But he has no right to impose that on me. There is no obligation on my part to do for him, especially if it is injurious to me. And we have no right to keep imposing this burden on M, who, yes, steps. But I need to think this through if this is the right thing for me, for my son and for M.
I have the obligation as a person and a mother to step up and clearly define what I am willing to do, and to stick with it. This is a process. I am a work in progress. I am calling upon myself to keep doing it. It is neither here nor there that he insists on taking advantage of the situation. Let him do it. It is my responsibility to stop it. I did not do a good enough job in stopping it. Or in defining boundaries so he could not do it as much.
Finally, he is making choices here. Some of them are good, some bad. M is really upset J has not sought housing where he is. But how would he do that, really, where he is? He has no credit. Rents for a room begin at $700 a month where he lives. He is homeless. Who would want to live with him? He could qualify for a subsidized apartment but like M says, he does NOT WANT TO PAY for housing, not even a subsidized rent. And he does NOT WANT RULES. And this is why he had to leave the apartment. He did not want to pay the agreed upon rent. That was his choice.
So. At last I see the problem. I stayed in a dance with him, knowing he had these attitudes. That he did not want rules. And he did not want to pay.
It really boils down to this: Do I want to accept him back in my property knowing this? That he will not want to adhere to any rules and he will not want to pay.
What has really changed? Not.one.thing.
He will mouth this and that. But he does not understand commitment and responsibility. And he does not understand reciprocity.
I cannot affect his choices. I tried and I tried. I cannot get him to the doctor and I cannot get him to get psychological treatment. I cannot get him to want things for himself, except for what he wants.
He has not called. He has known now, for 2 days, that I wanted to talk. He has his money for the month. It has not turned real cold and it is not raining. There is no motivation to contact us. I have to let him carry this. I have no control.
I do not know yet what I want, but I am starting to get the lay of the land and to see where the problems are. They are not my own. They are his.
M has a great deal of confidence in the intelligence of my son. In his ability to take care of himself. He is steadfast in believing my son is nobody's full. He does not see him as vulnerability as do I. M thinks males generally see themselves as invulnerable and put themselves out there in the world, at risk. He sees this as part of maleness.
Where M is crestfallen and judgmental about my son is his stubborn refusal to learn and to submit a little bit, to reality and to the need to work things out with other people. He sees this is a domination issue. That my son wants to dominate, without taking responsibility, while wanting and needing help.
People. I will read this thread over and over again to try to absorb its wisdom.
I do believe that there is no good reason to enable him.
