I know two general areas but no specific one. The likelihood of finding him is small. But there is a gym where I believe he might be showering. If I could find the name I could call there and ask about him. He is likable and friendly and the employees would know who he is.Do you know he is in a certain spot, or do you just think he is and want to make sure?
If I call and nobody has seen him? How will I feel?
And M and I are old (well, almost old). The idea of wandering around on the streets looking for a homeless person in an area I do not live: I can see myself as getting more desperate. More depressed. More helpless.
As much as missing him, I as seeking a way out of my despair. New Leaf posted today about this very thing. Seeing her sadness as learning opportunities. Learning to know herself and her strengths as well as her sensitivities.
I am not as strong as is she.
This is what M says: It is almost the middle of the month. It is about to get cold. My son will be out of money. He will not have money to pay for a cheap hotel. He will feel the pressure of his situation in a few days. M thinks that it is better to wait the few days until the urgency of my son's situation provokes him to decide what to do. He has always before sought help from me, from us--for better or worse. M's way of thinking makes sense.
This brings home the impossibility of my situation. Because, really, I do not want my son home like he is. If he does call this week or next, what could be different? A month ago he offered me a lot of money to come back. *I found it insulting. I told him my belief was he needed a program. I know he knows that if he had been able to test clean for drugs, he could have come back.Honestly, Copa...if he had, I suspect things wouldn't have worked out any differently this time.
So. I start obsessing. Under what conditions could he come back? And what would really change? Would I accept him as he is? As he lives? What kind of effort would he be willing to put in? That nothing would have changed. We would step right back into the same dance.
How do these things change? I am thinking of com's son who just changed. And Lil's son (I hope their visit is going well.) There was no real indication either com's or lil's son would changed. But change they did. lbl's son is different because he is so young.It's my fervent hope that this will all somehow change the groundwork and lead to things working out differently in the future
But my son has issues that neither one of these other sons had. But then as SWOT reminds us, issues do not preclude good decisions.
I guess the only thing I can do is one hour at a time try to put myself back into my own body and mind and back into the present. And deal with the pain where it is located right here and now.
That is an interesting word Albatross uses, groundwork. Change the groundwork. Which to me right now is sounding like the ground right here and right now. Albatross, you have written about relating to your son from this place, in the here and now...without expectation and a loving heart. Maybe this is the groundwork you are writing about.