I spent the morning in tears...

[TheWalrus]

I didn't call. I am too vulnerable, too raw. I expect her verbal abuse, assaults, judgments, but I cannot take it from people who know nothing about me or the situation. My stomach has been a ball of knots since the message. They tried again.

Hubs is different. It made him angry to see me so upset so he did call. It doesn't bother him what anyone thinks. Turns out she lied. She was kicked out of her last place and for whatever reason, is saying WE kicked her out. I guess it gets more sympathy to say your parents kicked you out once you are grown bc no one else is really responsible for you (although, why your parents are, I don't know.).

He honored my wishes and did not tell them anything personal; just made it clear that we had set boundaries she refuses to meet and that is why she cannot be here. They seemed understanding but wanted to know personal details as to what exactly her issues are. (I was right - she had told them NOTHING - they don't know about the drugs or the psychological issues.) Hubs told them that was personal and they needed to talk to her. They admitted they were afraid she would lie and he told them that was a possibility - she had lied to us about this entire situation.

They don't want her there. My husband put it in their court: you need to tell her that and let her make arrangements. Make that clear to HER. He also told them to contact him, not me, which is a huge load off of me. He also made it clear that we didn't want to know details of what had happened to her last arrangement; that it was her business and hers to take care of.

He is amazing and protective and supportive, and he gets it. He usually lets me take the lead but when I am done or overwhelmed or just have nothing left, he always comes in and takes off the pressure in any way he can. I could not do this without him and count myself fortunate that we are on the same page with our daughter.

They will see quickly and I hate that for them. I hate it for her that she is just ok, taking what she can for the moment, then moving on to the next couch, the next temporary fix, never really wanting to get better. It literally breaks my heart.

Thank you all. You are right - I cannot let her keep dragging me in. She is smart and it sometimes seems has a never-ending supply of ways to tug my strings, and like a marionette, she gets my heart and emotions dancing like a fool.

 

[New Leaf]

He is amazing and protective and supportive, and he gets it. He usually lets me take the lead but when I am done or overwhelmed or just have nothing left, he always comes in and takes off the pressure in any way he can. I could not do this without him and count myself fortunate that we are on the same page with our daughter.

YAY just yay for your husband. I am so glad you have his support. Sigh of relief. Walrus, I found this really good article.....
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/work-on-yourself
Though I do not know of any personality disorders of my two, their addictive, using personas fit the bill.
This website has some good articles.........
I am glad that the air is somewhat cleared......
Breathe and take time to rebuild.
Take care of yourself dear.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Your husband is wonderful. He did everything right, to my way of thinking.

I cannot take it from people who know nothing about me or the situation.

I know. Really, I do.

She was kicked out of her last place and for whatever reason, is saying WE kicked her out.

I do not think it is a lie lie.

She just did not bother to mention it was 2 years ago or however long.

She feels like all of her misfortune came from that one bad act by you. If you had not done it her life would be beautiful and wonderful. And after all, she did not deserve it. Get my drift?

You are making wonderful progress.

COPA

 

[Jabberwockey]

He is now with a different family they have not attempted to make contact if they do I will tell them " there were problems and he no longer lives with us" if they ask for more info., I will tell them "I am sorry, all I can say to you is there were problems and my son has not lived with us since September of 2015 if you have more questions please speak to my son"

I haven't read through this entire post yet but I whole heartedly agree with this statement. Hailing from a small town myself, I fully understand the desire to protect your reputation. But here's the thing, you cant really warn these people off and even if you try there is a good chance that they wont believe you. I know its hard but don't worry about your reputation right now. The thing is, your rep will take a hit for a bit but as time goes by and she burns more and more bridges the community will eventually know all about her and her issues and will have a much better understanding of your situation.

And it is because parents are the one bridge that never burns so they can continue to set us on fire and come back again and again.

For the most part this is true. Working in a prison, I deal with offenders every day who have even managed to burn the parental bridge as well. Granted, a lot of the parents I deal with aren't exactly parent of the year materiel either but they are still parents. As cold blooded as it may sound, sometimes there comes a point where you have to write off a child and focus on the rest of the family. Those of you who have Difficult Child's who have been incarcerated repeatedly know what I'm talking about and may have even started to think that way yourself. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed and its beyond useless to wait on someone to fix themselves when they won't even acknowledge that they are broken.

My advise, keep it simple. Don't give details. If you feel the need to speak with these people or are cornered into talking with them, don't bash your daughter. Simply inform them that you would consider letting her move in to be ill advised but that its their decision. For the love of all that you consider Holy PLEASE!!! don't go visit with them. It may go well but odds are that it will end badly. Above all, remember that NONE of this is your fault.

 

[rebelson]

If you give in and communicate with them, it will open a can of worms. They will then be calling you at every wrong turn your dtr makes, looking to you to fix it/her.

 

[Childofmine]

Walrus, I am sorry for all of the pain of this, and I'm sure it is tremendously upsetting. It sounds like you have a great husband and partner and he will go to bat for you. Let him.

The more you can step back and let your daughter live her own life, the better off you will be. One thing I've learned throughout my own journey is this: We can't control what people say about us, and we can't control what people think about us. That's their business, and truly isn't our business.

All we can do is keep our side of the street clean, and live our lives the best we can. In nearly every single case, the truth will out. In time, people will come to see.

We don't have to get involved or go around defending ourselves or engage in the drama that other people create.

We can step back and wait and be silent or say very very little. That is the pathway to peace.

Warm hugs today. I hope it is a better day.

 

[1905]

I always have the feeling that what other people think of me is none of my business. I have other important things to think of, don't waste a minute of your time worrying about what she's saying. Don't even try to explain anything, rise above it. (Everyone isn't gonna like me and I don't like everyone either.)You just be yourself, keep doing what is right for you and the rest of your family.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

New Leaf- I absolutely love your reply and totally agree. I love this comment "This is your Monkey Walrus, not your circus". It is your daughters drama. Hold you head high and silence is best in this situation.

 

[TheWalrus]

I am much better today. No contact. My husband, due to his line of work, is pretty immune to what people say and is quite direct. He made it clear to them that if they wanted details, they needed to ask her. As to their concern she would lie, he admitted that was a possibility. But that was it. He made it clear to go through him and not me if they absolutely had to call. He handles it better, doesn't take it personally, lets it go as soon as the call is over. He doesn't get "cornered" or let her or others make him feel guilty or bad about her situation. They are her choices, her consequences, and he moves on. Me? I ruminate and stress and wind myself up in knots until I can't eat or sleep and become all consumed with it. I thank God for him every day. I wish I had some of his body armor or whatever it is that lets this all bounce off of him. He loves her, but he has a "take no sh*t" attitude with her. If he could put that in a prescription, we would make MILLIONS. LOL

 

[New Leaf]

I will put in my order now for that prescription Walrus....
leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

I wish I had some of his body armor or whatever it is that lets this all bounce off of him.

If you look back at old threads... you will see the term "put on your rhino-skin suit" or something like that. It's for those situations where we need stuff to bounce off of us. Tough skin.

 

[Albatross]

I am glad you are feeling better Walrus. Mr. Walrus sounds like a real keeper. I agree with the others, just put on your rhino suit (or walrus suit) and rise above. She will make the truth apparent on her own, I think.

 

[TheWalrus]

Well, those people took hubs advice and told her she had to find somewhere else. She is living with someone we don't know and know nothing about. It too, will be temporary, I am sure.

She called today and left a "guilt" message about her living situation and wants me to call her because she needs to talk to me. My gut is clenched just thinking about it.

I hate that this is how I feel every time she tries to contact me: dread, anxiety, worry, fear....followed by guilt for being the kind of mother that has that response. But based on the message she left, full of subtle accusation because of her housing problems, I know to expect manipulation, guilt tripping...and there is always the possibility of escalation into rage.

Depending on what she needs or wants from me, it might be mild. That is usually how it is: when she needs something or needs me to do something, the manipulations are subtle. When she doesn't and just wants a target for her unhappiness (or bc I don't give her her way), anything goes.

Either way, whatever is said will most likely be turned and twisted against me to bolster her "poor me, my mother leaves me on the streets" story. She is always the victim and I am always the villain. I am tired of being cast as the bad guy in the story of her life.

Therapist says not to feel guilty; expecting her to go into therapy for drug use and psychiatric counseling is not unreasonable in order to feel safe having her in my home. Especially with her long, past history and self-destructive behavior (that almost took her life). But feelings aren't faucets and aren't so easily turned off.

 

[New Leaf]

Depending on what she needs or wants from me, it might be mild. That is usually how it is: when she needs something or needs me to do something, the manipulations are subtle. When she doesn't and just wants a target for her unhappiness (or bc I don't give her her way), anything goes.

Hey Walrus, it is okay to hold off on the call for awhile, until YOU feel comfortable talking with her. Then, remember, if she starts on you, YOU control the conversation with short, neutral answers. Boundaries work for phone calls too, with RESPECT being top of the list. If your daughter cannot address you with respect, then a frank, "I am sorry, but I will not be spoken to this way." is warranted.

Either way, whatever is said will most likely be turned and twisted against me to bolster her "poor me, my mother leaves me on the streets" story. She is always the victim and I am always the villain. I am tired of being cast as the bad guy in the story of her life.

I know the feeling Walrus, I have two of them out there spinning awful stuff about me. You know what? ANYONE who believes the stories are people I do not want to associate with, anyway. They are bottom feeders.
You know the true story, and so will others, the longer they deal with your daughter.
I am sorry for this Walrus. None of us deserve this.
You know who you are and what you stand for. You have done a good job, in standing your ground and not allowing her to live in your home. Stay strong and stand firm in your convictions, it is the right thing. It is hard, but it is right. To heck with other judgmental people, let them figure it out.
All we do is between us and our higher power, in the end all.

feelings aren't faucets and aren't so easily turned off.

This is true Walrus, feelings are not faucets, I love this, by the way. Feelings are not faucets.
What our kids say and do is very hurtful.
I am sorry for the pain of this Walrus, it is so hard.
Everything in our being just wants things to be right for our kids. Things go haywire with them.
If that is not bad enough to deal with, they go and blame it all on us.
Then, they go and talk badly of us.
It is horrible, destructive and just plain mean.
How could anyone go without having a puffy eyed melt down,
really good cry over it every once in a while, or even more often?

Get your feelings out, don't try to turn them off, get them out anyway you can.
Then build yourself back up.

YOU are worth it. You matter, your feelings count.

It will be okay Walrus, hang in there.

You are not alone.

Really, really big hugs....
leafy

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Well, those people took hubs advice and told her she had to find somewhere else. She is living with someone we don't know and know nothing about. It too, will be temporary, I am sure.
{She called today and left a "guilt" message about her living situation and wants me to call her because she needs to talk to me. My gut is clenched just thinking about it.

I would have your husband call her. She knows how to make you feel guilty. I had to do this couple of times with my son. I had him talk to my hubby (his step-dad). He can remain unemotional, speaks with authority and doesn't get sucked into being made to feel guilty. It takes the pressure off of me, I know my hubby is level-headed and will talk to him man to man.

Just because she wants to talk to you- doesn't mean she gets to. YOU talk to her when you are strong enough to do so. I use to get calls or texts messages "call me now Mom". I was like NO, you don't get to tell me when I need to call you, I will call when I feel I can talk without getting pulled into psycho drama or baited into feeling guilty about the latest emergency that I need to fix.

 

[Albatross]

I agree with New Leaf and Iron, Walrus. She used you as the scapegoat for manipulating these folks into giving her a place to stay...and now she is trying to guilt trip you into calling her about her living situation? She made you out to be the villain, and now she wants you to be the savior? No, she doesn't get to play it from both ends that way.

I would wait to make that call until I had a firm and strong footing.

Either way, whatever is said will most likely be turned and twisted against me to bolster her "poor me, my mother leaves me on the streets" story.

My son is the same way...claiming homelessness and impoverishment...all because we told him he could either go to school or work, but he couldn't stay rent-free and not work, sleep all day and stay up all night partying.

It's just a story, Walrus. They make it their reality and expect us to make it our own, but it's not.

 

[Hopeful97]

Walrus,

I sorry for the pain your experiencing. I agree with the others, you contact her when you are ready. I know there have been times and still are where I have no contact for varying lengths of time sometimes it is hard sometimes not but I know when I need that distance. Take the time you need to regroup, gain strength whatever you want to call it.

Do not let what other people think matter, they have not walked in your shoes.

I agree with Leafy, get your feelings out however you need to. getting your feelings out helps you stay strong and I think helps to get stronger.



Huge Hug

Hopeful

 

[TheWalrus]

I called. I dreaded it but I did. It was what I expected - she needed money among other things. We truly cannot afford it and I told her the truth. She had a horrific accident months ago, nearly dying, and between loss of work and moving temporarily out of state to be with her, we are financially done. We cannot keep giving. I asked if she had filled out the paperwork I gave her a month ago to take care of this financial problem (before it had a chance to arise). No. She said she understood how in debt we are but then brought it up several more times, because "you're the only one I can ask, but I will be ok, I've been going without." Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I bit the bullet and asked where the idea came from that we "kicked her out." At first, she tried to avoid the discussion and tell me about all that had happened since she ended up where she is. I didn't let her off the hook. She said she never said that, it must have been a misunderstanding, she told them she "wasn't welcome in our house." <sigh> Of course she did. Not that she has major issues and we set boundaries on her coming back home; that she fully face those issues so that we could feel comfortable with her in our home. We are still the bad guy. She knows better and I just told her that we weren't even going to have that discussion bc I knew she would fly in a rage. I just reminded her that she has done that before - said things about us that weren't true - and she said no. Um...actually you did. You didn't disclose what you've done and the boundaries we set, that you would be welcome home if you met them. But it wasn't worth the argument.

She tried to make me believe she called me to let me know how she is doing and where she is because she had been apart too long and didn't want me to worry. If she didn't need something or want something, I never would have heard a word.

I kept firm and let her know what she said was not acceptable. She got irritated but didn't escalate, which is an improvement. She accepted my no.

So why do I feel so terrible? Like I should scrape up the money she needs and get it to her? If she had filled out the paperwork I gave her a month ago, this never would have happened and she would have it taken care of. She doesn't work. She has time. I just don't understand. She wants me to rescue her, but then resents the hell out of me and says I try to control everything. It is a lose-lose situation.

But I stayed strong, didn't give in, and didn't let the conversation devolve while letting her know her words had come back to me. I am going to take that as a very small victory.

 

[Albatross]

So why do I feel so terrible? Like I should scrape up the money she needs and get it to her? If she had filled out the paperwork I gave her a month ago, this never would have happened and she would have it taken care of. She doesn't work. She has time. I just don't understand. She wants me to rescue her, but then resents the hell out of me and says I try to control everything. It is a lose-lose situation.

But I stayed strong, didn't give in, and didn't let the conversation devolve while letting her know her words had come back to me. I am going to take that as a very small victory.

I think it is a lot more than a small victory, Walrus. You were honest, strong, and calm.

I don't see an outcome where you WOULDN'T feel terrible, do you? But maybe you feel LESS terrible than if you were feeling resentment and self-loathing for doing what she should have done herself?

In my book you're the good kind of bad @$$ Walrus.

 

[Hopeful97]

Walrus,

That is a huge victory, you did great.

My d c has done similar things calling because of needing money or whatever and I started saying no and he would come back with "you won't help your son" the guilt - he soon discovered that no longer works and switched to "just wanted to say hi" after asking for one thing or another. Just stick to your guns, I know it is very hard. I do not know if I will be able to stick to my guns next time but I have learned via this new tactic put distance in between for a while (length of time totally up to you) to concentrate on you which will strengthen you and you will be that much stronger and thus more likely to stick to your guns.
Praying for inner peace for you.



Hugs,

Hopeful