If you could raise your kids again, what would you change?

[Pink Elephant]

All kids respond differently to different parenting and some /many do not accet ehat we try to teach him. And some do with very little parenting...they just seem to want to do well.

Absolutely my experience, and it applies to everything kid related. Everything from behaviour to toilet training, and everything in-between.

 

[BusynMember]

Absolutly. There are no guarantees, but all of us have tried our very best.

 

[Pink Elephant]

Absolutly. There are no guarantees, but all of us have tried our very best.

Oh my goodness have we ever.

 

[pigless in VA]

My biggest regret is in allowing Ferb to use the Xbox as an escape. The psychologist he was seeing at the time his father died, thought it was a good idea to allow him to relax with it and enjoy something. I recognize now that he became addicted to it. Instead of a passing fancy, it became an all-consuming monster in his life. All his angry outbursts have centered around my removing his use of the Xbox.

I used to mistakenly tell myself that it was "just a game." Now I can see that it is as addicting as any substance. The games are designed to be addicting. They are designed to hook the players into being trapping in the gaming world. As a result, my son does not handle his emotions well and would rather be immersed in a fictitious world than involved in real world activities.

 

[Pink Elephant]

My biggest regret is in allowing Ferb to use the Xbox as an escape. The psychologist he was seeing at the time his father died, thought it was a good idea to allow him to relax with it and enjoy something. I recognize now that he became addicted to it. Instead of a passing fancy, it became an all-consuming monster in his life. All his angry outbursts have centered around my removing his use of the Xbox.

I used to mistakenly tell myself that it was "just a game." Now I can see that it is as addicting as any substance. The games are designed to be addicting. They are designed to hook the players into being trapping in the gaming world. As a result, my son does not handle his emotions well and would rather be immersed in a fictitious world than involved in real world activities.

Today's generation of Smart-phones and other electronic gadgetry, is doing nothing to promote well-grounded and healthy people. My kids had a few things they played with when they were younger, but I always tried to get them outside to play so they were active. Activity nowadays has almost escaped certain kids, hence the obesity I see today.

 

[Copabanana]

The games are designed to be addicting. They are designed to hook the players into being trapping in the gaming world.

I see the online media on both sides of the political spectrum operating in the same way: conspiracy theories, fake news, a false sense of community that operates through suggestion, perhaps manipulation, incitement--without responsibility and accountability.

 

[radams]

If I had it to do over again, I would have stayed home more with the kids rather than dating so much. I would have tried much harder to engage my daughter and show her my love more clearly. My original decision to have my daughter outside of any relationship was well-intentioned but so damaging to her. My thinking was, if all fathers are like my father, why would any child want a father.

 

[JaneBetty]

Very moving replies.

I would have tried to be more patient, and less dead serious all the time. I took the job of parenting on like it was my solemn duty, much like my father did, but I didn't have the touch that he did in making it fun and wonderful to be around him. So, if I had to do it over, I would have tried to do more fun things with my children, and stop stressing over the little things.

 

[dayatatime]

I think the things I would have done differently are things that would benefit me-- and that they would trickle down to benefiting my son. Primarily, I would have divorced his father sooooo very much sooner. It took me 13 years of marriage before divorce (the light at the end of the tunnel of marriage) even occurred to me. If I could travel back in time I would somehow pull myself aside and explain the social services that are available. If I could go even further back I wouldn't have had a kid with that man.

COPA wrote something about how we all love our kids and wouldn't trade them in for another model. I think I would be very happy to trade mine in for another model. As horrible as that sounds, I think I would give anything to have a "normal" parenting experience-- have a kid who thrives-- not in the way of socially validated excellence, but just someone who follows the basic social structure, or even is moderately respectful-- I'd trade.

My own child is just a well of pain.

Easter, I am second generation, too. Though my maternal grandparents survived and made it to the states, none of their extended family did. And my father was very distant from his large (American) extended family-- when I look at "what went wrong" and the pile of dysfunction stretches through generations and ends at the war-- but maybe there was plenty of dysfunction before them, too.... I have been a domino.

At this point I'm a domino who has picked herself up and dusted herself off.... but I just can't dust off some of the pain, most of which has come to rest in my relationship with my son. And in his pain, which is acute. I am going to start another thread to talk about what's happening there now.

 

[Copabanana]

I am second generation, too

I am too. I am talking to a spiritual director most weeks. She believes (and cites research to bolster her thinking) that trauma and pain are passed on generationally, even carried genetically. She sees pivotal aspects of my own character and experience as reacting and responding to events that preceded my birth.

When you think about it, we are talking about 70 years, which is a heartbeat of time when you think about it. How could we not be bearing the trauma that our parents could not face at all?

 

[Copabanana]

the pain, most of which has come to rest in my relationship with my son

Looked at another way, the pain in our relationships with our children can become a way to work it through. Our difficult relationships are as much an opportunity as a crisis. Or they can be.

 

[Nomad]

I said earlier something about wishing that we took trips more often and I still do, but the truth is that our difficult child made most trips extraordinarily difficult. We did the best we could under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. What we tended to do is go to the same place year after year for a week. It is a favorite spot among families only two hours away. Sometimes we went just with our family and sometimes we went with another family. Our Difficult Child coped best with familiar surroundings.

One time, our son's friend, whose father was a physician and divorced, asked if our son could join them on a trip. I jumped at the opportunity. That worked out well.

I think perhaps I might in retrospect of asked for a little help from relatives or friends. Not so much as to burden them, but just a little more help.

We truly needed it and even just a little more help would of been appreciated and perhaps made a difference.

I also wish we were more consistent in our discpline, especially with our other child who didn't have as many issues as our Difficult Child.

He ended up with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (not too bad) and I think it could be because of the very peculiar behaviors of his sister and also because sometimes we were just too exhausted to cope with the craziness and we let things slide.

This certainly can lead to insecurity and perhaps entitlement.

He had a VERY bad teen year (was always a super kid) and we had to go tough love all the way and fortunately that worked well and he is a very responsible young adult today.

So...I would add that I wish we had asked for some more help. I still don't believe in burdening others or overwhelming others. But, we just simply could of used extra help.

And more consistent with our discipline (for lack of a better word). I think our non special needs child kinda got away with things at times...maybe because his sister was sooo extreme.

I did see a therapist and from time to time husband and I saw a counselor...that was great. We had a good babysitter...also great. But with a special needs child, the more support you can get, probably the better (assuming the support is from a healthy source).
(The therapist and the good babysitter were things I would highly recommend...big time!)

I still marvel that we made it through all of that. It still is kinda difficult...but not as bad as those early years.

 

[radams]

If I had it to do over again, I would have stayed home more with the kids rather than dating so much. I would have tried much harder to engage my daughter and show her my love more clearly. My original decision to have my daughter outside of any relationship was well-intentioned but so damaging to her. My thinking was, if all fathers are like my father, why would any child want a father.

The truth (right now at least), if I had to do it over, I wouldn't have chosen to have children.

 

[Copabanana]

Lately, I feel 50/50. Regrettably, things are going downhill and I see the huge emotional price I pay.

But still, parenthood has been a powerful teacher. And continues to be. For good or ill.

 

[Pink Elephant]

I can honestly say, not a thing.

I was fair - but strict, yet I allowed all of my kids more freedom than many of their peers enjoyed, and at home life was for the taking. I imposed nary a responsibility on my kids other than for them to be responsible.

No, I would repeat again if I were to do it all over again.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. This is from long ago!

 

[Triedntrue]

I would be much more careful about Difficult Child friends although how do you know in advance.

Depending on my mood at the time you ask would i have kids. Right now probably not.


I would be more careful with money

I would make my kids if i had any do more chores and have more responsibility.

 

[Pink Elephant]

Wow. This is from long ago!

It is, but it's such a great thread conversation.

 

[Pink Elephant]

Wow. This is from long ago!

LOL! Just seen that I responded to this conversation a few times, yet when I came across it yesterday I didn't see my old replies. We really do go blind the older we get.

 

[AppleCori]

I see the online media on both sides of the political spectrum operating in the same way: conspiracy theories, fake news, a false sense of community that operates through suggestion, perhaps manipulation, incitement--without responsibility and accountability.

I have wondered if I was the only person that saw this. I feel the same about tv news. 1984....