keista
New Member
Hitting enter is what I do. Does it happen everywhere you write? (word, notepad, other forums?) If so, some general setting is messed up on your computer.
"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
- Thread starter feelinghelplesss
- Start date
Hitting enter is what I do. Does it happen everywhere you write? (word, notepad, other forums?) If so, some general setting is messed up on your computer.
dashcat
Member
Happy endings? How do you know you're at the end? Most of us here struggle with various ongoing situations with our difficult children. Most of us here are relieved when we see PROGRESS in our kids (read Nancy's thread about her difficult child getting a job and the progress she's made in her sober house).
Shaking an addiction - whatever that may be - is a one day at a time process.
The most important - and the very hardest thing to realize and accept - is that your son is the only one who can battle his addiction. You cannot "help" him to do this or to see this. You can, however, make it clear to him that you will not support or enable his choices while he is using.
You can pray for his recovery, you can make it crystal clear that you will support any effort he makes toward recovery, you can make sure he knows you love him no matter what (you don't always have to like him) and you can work on living your own life in the meantime. This is where I am at right now, and it's easier said than done. My difficult child's addiciton isn't drugs, it's danger. And, after years of fighting this intagible foe, I am laying down my sword and praying she'll pick it up.
You may not always hear what you'd like to hear in this forum, but rest assured that we do understand.
Dash
Shaking an addiction - whatever that may be - is a one day at a time process.
The most important - and the very hardest thing to realize and accept - is that your son is the only one who can battle his addiction. You cannot "help" him to do this or to see this. You can, however, make it clear to him that you will not support or enable his choices while he is using.
You can pray for his recovery, you can make it crystal clear that you will support any effort he makes toward recovery, you can make sure he knows you love him no matter what (you don't always have to like him) and you can work on living your own life in the meantime. This is where I am at right now, and it's easier said than done. My difficult child's addiciton isn't drugs, it's danger. And, after years of fighting this intagible foe, I am laying down my sword and praying she'll pick it up.
You may not always hear what you'd like to hear in this forum, but rest assured that we do understand.
Dash
As others have said, there are happy endings.
What you may have to do is "adust" your idea of what constitutes a happy ending.
My post was probably one of the most emphatic replies you have gotten. I don't believe I made any predictions about his future. Rather I attempted to force you to focus on the present moment and what is REAL right now.
That is because my sense from your post was that the dynamic you were expressing was one of co-dependence with an addict coupled with a preoccupation with what "might" happen down the road.
I know from LONG personal experience (note that our oldest difficult child is 28 and we are currently dealing with a 15 yo difficult child) that it is very painful for a parent to see their child make choices that are guaranteed to lead to terrible heartache and struggle for that child. We can see that they have made choices that are very self-destructive and our hearts feel like they are going to break. This is not the future we wanted the day we held that baby in our arms rejoicing in his birth.
But living in a "possible" future where your son is dead from drug overdoses or whatever and imagining that you have the power to prevent that by letting him victimize you is not going to help him and it is delusional to think you have that kind of power. Instead, living in the present moment and making your decisions based on that is, in my opinion and experience, necessary and one the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your family and your son.
No one can predict the future. But there are certain things as parents that we can do that are very likely to make the future harder for our child. One of them is to keep treating our child as a "child" when they are in fact adults in the eyes of the world.
The developmental trajectory of a child growing into an adult means that over time they gradually assume the responsibility for setting their own limits and separating from their parents as the authority in their life. This role must become their own. If they are mentally ill or developmentally delayed or brain injured - obviously those circumstances call for some changes in the way parents approach this problem.
As long as you hold on to the role of "internal" authority and refuse to pass that on to your son you are preventing him from growing into full adulthood. Your post implied that he is not suffering from serious mental illness or development delays, etc.
Therefore, you must accept the need for YOU to separate from him so that he can move fully into adulthood.
You can love him no matter where he lives and no matter what his life is like. Choosing to treat him as an adult who can handle the challenges life presents and the consequences for bad choices or mistakes is the RESPECTFUL thing you can do. To continue to rescue him and send him the message that he can't function as an adult is not respectful and it is certainly not HOPEFUL. Instead it expresses in very concrete terms your belief that he is NOT capable of becoming/being fully adult.
Allowing him to victimize you is not only disrespectful to him. It is choosing to encourage him to learn to prey on those closest to him.
Is this the lesson you want him to learn? Will this help him grow into the man you want and know he can be?
Holding him accountable is the hopeful thing to do. It expresses the underlying belief that he can handle this problem and find a solution.
That doesn't mean you have abandoned him. As I said in my post, you can offer to help him find and finance the cost for rehab services, when he has realized that he needs those services.
Adjusting your idea of happy ending may mean that you will celebrate small steps as he grapples with the very real challenges of growing into full adulthood. It does not mean that you abandon hope for the best possible outcome. It simply means that you don't let yourself live in the future.
I'm not sure I have expressed myself very well here. I just know that if you keep on as you are, you are almost certainly guaranteeing the worst possible outcome and your own victimization at the hands of your child.
Hugs from been there done that territory. Keep the faith by showing your son that you know he can handle the mess he's gotten himself into.
What you may have to do is "adust" your idea of what constitutes a happy ending.
My post was probably one of the most emphatic replies you have gotten. I don't believe I made any predictions about his future. Rather I attempted to force you to focus on the present moment and what is REAL right now.
That is because my sense from your post was that the dynamic you were expressing was one of co-dependence with an addict coupled with a preoccupation with what "might" happen down the road.
I know from LONG personal experience (note that our oldest difficult child is 28 and we are currently dealing with a 15 yo difficult child) that it is very painful for a parent to see their child make choices that are guaranteed to lead to terrible heartache and struggle for that child. We can see that they have made choices that are very self-destructive and our hearts feel like they are going to break. This is not the future we wanted the day we held that baby in our arms rejoicing in his birth.
But living in a "possible" future where your son is dead from drug overdoses or whatever and imagining that you have the power to prevent that by letting him victimize you is not going to help him and it is delusional to think you have that kind of power. Instead, living in the present moment and making your decisions based on that is, in my opinion and experience, necessary and one the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your family and your son.
No one can predict the future. But there are certain things as parents that we can do that are very likely to make the future harder for our child. One of them is to keep treating our child as a "child" when they are in fact adults in the eyes of the world.
The developmental trajectory of a child growing into an adult means that over time they gradually assume the responsibility for setting their own limits and separating from their parents as the authority in their life. This role must become their own. If they are mentally ill or developmentally delayed or brain injured - obviously those circumstances call for some changes in the way parents approach this problem.
As long as you hold on to the role of "internal" authority and refuse to pass that on to your son you are preventing him from growing into full adulthood. Your post implied that he is not suffering from serious mental illness or development delays, etc.
Therefore, you must accept the need for YOU to separate from him so that he can move fully into adulthood.
You can love him no matter where he lives and no matter what his life is like. Choosing to treat him as an adult who can handle the challenges life presents and the consequences for bad choices or mistakes is the RESPECTFUL thing you can do. To continue to rescue him and send him the message that he can't function as an adult is not respectful and it is certainly not HOPEFUL. Instead it expresses in very concrete terms your belief that he is NOT capable of becoming/being fully adult.
Allowing him to victimize you is not only disrespectful to him. It is choosing to encourage him to learn to prey on those closest to him.
Is this the lesson you want him to learn? Will this help him grow into the man you want and know he can be?
Holding him accountable is the hopeful thing to do. It expresses the underlying belief that he can handle this problem and find a solution.
That doesn't mean you have abandoned him. As I said in my post, you can offer to help him find and finance the cost for rehab services, when he has realized that he needs those services.
Adjusting your idea of happy ending may mean that you will celebrate small steps as he grapples with the very real challenges of growing into full adulthood. It does not mean that you abandon hope for the best possible outcome. It simply means that you don't let yourself live in the future.
I'm not sure I have expressed myself very well here. I just know that if you keep on as you are, you are almost certainly guaranteeing the worst possible outcome and your own victimization at the hands of your child.
Hugs from been there done that territory. Keep the faith by showing your son that you know he can handle the mess he's gotten himself into.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Happy endings. I dont know what one would consider a happy ending when you are standing there staring at a kid who is abusing drugs. Is it having him go to Harvard and become a Doctor or a Lawyer? Well, I dont think we have any of those on this board. I do know we have a former child from this board who was ODD but with help he has gone on to become a world class musician. Actually attended Julliard. But he didnt have a substance abuse issue.
My son is what I call a work in progress. He has been a real challenge his whole life. He has been in trouble with the law and I truly believed that I would probably be visiting him in prison most of his life...or even burying him before he was 21. Well...he has come a long way and is now 25 with one 5 year old daughter and another daughter due in September. His life isnt what I would have wished for him when I held him in my arms the day I gave birth to him but its his life and I cheer for every little step forward he makes.
Then there is me. I was a huge difficult child as a teen. If there had been this board when I was a teen I would probably have taken the award for the biggest loser. I turned my life around on a dime. Happy endings? Well, Im not rich and I dont have some fancy job but I do own my own house even though its a double wide trailer. I also have three grown sons who I love dearly and a man who has stood beside me through thick and thin for 28 years now. I also have 3 of the most beautiful grandchildren God could ever bless anyone with. I know my fourth one will also be wonderful. So yeah...I think I have had a happy ending.
My son is what I call a work in progress. He has been a real challenge his whole life. He has been in trouble with the law and I truly believed that I would probably be visiting him in prison most of his life...or even burying him before he was 21. Well...he has come a long way and is now 25 with one 5 year old daughter and another daughter due in September. His life isnt what I would have wished for him when I held him in my arms the day I gave birth to him but its his life and I cheer for every little step forward he makes.
Then there is me. I was a huge difficult child as a teen. If there had been this board when I was a teen I would probably have taken the award for the biggest loser. I turned my life around on a dime. Happy endings? Well, Im not rich and I dont have some fancy job but I do own my own house even though its a double wide trailer. I also have three grown sons who I love dearly and a man who has stood beside me through thick and thin for 28 years now. I also have 3 of the most beautiful grandchildren God could ever bless anyone with. I know my fourth one will also be wonderful. So yeah...I think I have had a happy ending.
feelinghelplesss
New Member
Seriously, you made perfect sense. Thanks for what you said. It's opening me up to looking at things differently. I really appreciate it!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
My daughter is a success story. After being on parole three times in high school and using drugs like meth and trying heroin, she was thrown out of the house. Once she was dragged to a psychiatric hospital in handcuffs after pulling a knife on herself. Now?
She is 27, back in school with a job which will turn full time after school if over, she owns her own house with her boyfriend of eight years (who is very nice) and she is into holistic healing. If anyone lights up a cigarette in her house, the person is escorted out the door. She is now a high achiever with a good moral compass. How did she do this? She DECIDED to do this. She did not go to rehab and, thus far, never went to counseling either. It is really their decision to quit. How they do it is up to them, but until/unless they are ready, they won't do it. Giving them comfort and money while they take drugs in my opinion certainly does not make them motivated to go through the hard business of quitting drugs. I believe strongly in tough love.
Go to Al-Anon or NarcAnon for support in real life. That really helped me.
She is 27, back in school with a job which will turn full time after school if over, she owns her own house with her boyfriend of eight years (who is very nice) and she is into holistic healing. If anyone lights up a cigarette in her house, the person is escorted out the door. She is now a high achiever with a good moral compass. How did she do this? She DECIDED to do this. She did not go to rehab and, thus far, never went to counseling either. It is really their decision to quit. How they do it is up to them, but until/unless they are ready, they won't do it. Giving them comfort and money while they take drugs in my opinion certainly does not make them motivated to go through the hard business of quitting drugs. I believe strongly in tough love.
Go to Al-Anon or NarcAnon for support in real life. That really helped me.
feelinghelplesss
New Member
Thanks Midwest Mom, for sharing your story. That's what I meant by happy ending...not having a perfect life, but getting their act together. I'm so happy for you that your daughter is doing well.
I hope and pray that my son will decide that he wants a life free of substance abuse. He's at the point where he's blaming me and his dad for things we "failed" do during his childhood. I was there for him throughout our divorce and have managed to be a stay at home mom his entire life. He's full of sh*t, saying that I could have done better. Of course, there's no perfect parent, and I made my share of mistakes, but nothing to deserve this kind of "blame." I haven't been able to kick him out yet, that's the next step, and I've told him so (and I will follow through). For now I have taken all car keys and cancelled his cell phone service. He goes back to school in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping he can handle it. If not, he's cut off. We will do a mid-term assessment and if his grades aren't A's and B's--which he is perfectly capable of--and/or if gets into any trouble, he's done. On his own.
As everyone knows, this really sucks!
I hope and pray that my son will decide that he wants a life free of substance abuse. He's at the point where he's blaming me and his dad for things we "failed" do during his childhood. I was there for him throughout our divorce and have managed to be a stay at home mom his entire life. He's full of sh*t, saying that I could have done better. Of course, there's no perfect parent, and I made my share of mistakes, but nothing to deserve this kind of "blame." I haven't been able to kick him out yet, that's the next step, and I've told him so (and I will follow through). For now I have taken all car keys and cancelled his cell phone service. He goes back to school in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping he can handle it. If not, he's cut off. We will do a mid-term assessment and if his grades aren't A's and B's--which he is perfectly capable of--and/or if gets into any trouble, he's done. On his own.
As everyone knows, this really sucks!
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Yes, it does really suck. (hey, when did we start being able to write that word again??)
He's busy blaming you and his dad because otherwise he's got to put the blame where it belongs, on himself.
Divorce is not an uncommon event, nor has it been for more than 20 yrs. While it's not the greatest thing in the world to go through, either as a child or an adult, it's also no where as traumatic as it was back in the days when it wasn't socially acceptable. And even then......well, I never quite bought into the whole I'm so very very traumatized thing with the kids, myself. I was one of those who lived through it repeatedly before it was really "common". I was made fun of at school, had teachers ect make snarky comments......and of course the "looks". But really? I can't say it traumatized me a bit, or even really did much to me at all, except to be certain the person I chose to be with was truly someone I wanted to be with for the long haul. As the 70's progressed and more and more parents divorced, I watched as my friends and even kids who had made fun of me go through it.......and about the only real thing I noticed was kids learn fast to play the parents against each other. And then the crud would hit the fan as the kid pressed their luck at every turn while blaming it all on the "divorce". ugh (while laughing with friends about how they're playing their parents)
Katie does the same routine. Her biomom would tell her that her dad didn't care yadda yadda boo hoo. Seriously? We got her every chance we could although she was 3 states away, treated her like she belonged here, loved her the same as her sibs, and all the rest, but she was dumb enough to by into her mom's crud? Honey, that's your problem not mine. She gains no sympathy nor even empathy from me on that one. I had a biodad who honestly really couldn't give a crud, whom I can count the times I saw as a kid on one hand, ect. And I could've cared less about the man. But even when my Mom ran him down to us? I knew there are always two sides to the story.
Don't let him play the divorce guilt card. Or use it as an excuse for his behavior.
But you're doing great on the not enabling him part. And I know that's hard because sometimes it's hard to judge what is enabling and what is just plain helping.
((hugs))
He's busy blaming you and his dad because otherwise he's got to put the blame where it belongs, on himself.
Divorce is not an uncommon event, nor has it been for more than 20 yrs. While it's not the greatest thing in the world to go through, either as a child or an adult, it's also no where as traumatic as it was back in the days when it wasn't socially acceptable. And even then......well, I never quite bought into the whole I'm so very very traumatized thing with the kids, myself. I was one of those who lived through it repeatedly before it was really "common". I was made fun of at school, had teachers ect make snarky comments......and of course the "looks". But really? I can't say it traumatized me a bit, or even really did much to me at all, except to be certain the person I chose to be with was truly someone I wanted to be with for the long haul. As the 70's progressed and more and more parents divorced, I watched as my friends and even kids who had made fun of me go through it.......and about the only real thing I noticed was kids learn fast to play the parents against each other. And then the crud would hit the fan as the kid pressed their luck at every turn while blaming it all on the "divorce". ugh (while laughing with friends about how they're playing their parents)
Katie does the same routine. Her biomom would tell her that her dad didn't care yadda yadda boo hoo. Seriously? We got her every chance we could although she was 3 states away, treated her like she belonged here, loved her the same as her sibs, and all the rest, but she was dumb enough to by into her mom's crud? Honey, that's your problem not mine. She gains no sympathy nor even empathy from me on that one. I had a biodad who honestly really couldn't give a crud, whom I can count the times I saw as a kid on one hand, ect. And I could've cared less about the man. But even when my Mom ran him down to us? I knew there are always two sides to the story.
Don't let him play the divorce guilt card. Or use it as an excuse for his behavior.
But you're doing great on the not enabling him part. And I know that's hard because sometimes it's hard to judge what is enabling and what is just plain helping.
((hugs))
feelinghelplesss
New Member
Things are moving very quickly! Unfortunately, I just caught my son getting ready to smoke in his bathroom. I heard the fan start and I knew something was up. I felt under the door and there was a towel to keep the smell in. I walked in and BINGO! Scared the **** out of him and he dropped the loose marijuana all over the floor. I made him clean it up and flush it. I really think he wanted to get caught. He's so unbelievably careless.
Now I have to kick him out. He's going to live with with his dad. I'm taking him tomorrow morning. He does NOT want to go, so it's good. His dad is (my ex) is being very supportive and I think he'll stay on top of things. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but at least I'm not having to put him out on the streets. He's begging and pleading. He's crying. He's saying he'll quit. He says he'll prove it. I told him he can't prove it. He said "drug test me!" I said it stays in your system for several weeks. He said 'test me next week.' I tried to explain that it doesn't work that way and he's not seeming to get it. I hope it's just desperation and not stupidity.
I hope and pray that this is the kick in the ass he needs to wake up. He has no friends where is dad lives and no car. He'll be pretty isolated. It's going to suck for him. GOOD! The look on his face is heartbreaking. He keeps begging to stay. I am holding firm.
Now I have to kick him out. He's going to live with with his dad. I'm taking him tomorrow morning. He does NOT want to go, so it's good. His dad is (my ex) is being very supportive and I think he'll stay on top of things. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but at least I'm not having to put him out on the streets. He's begging and pleading. He's crying. He's saying he'll quit. He says he'll prove it. I told him he can't prove it. He said "drug test me!" I said it stays in your system for several weeks. He said 'test me next week.' I tried to explain that it doesn't work that way and he's not seeming to get it. I hope it's just desperation and not stupidity.
I hope and pray that this is the kick in the ass he needs to wake up. He has no friends where is dad lives and no car. He'll be pretty isolated. It's going to suck for him. GOOD! The look on his face is heartbreaking. He keeps begging to stay. I am holding firm.
feelinghelplesss
New Member
Wow, they don't even let you say cr*p in this forum. Sometimes I really need to swear!
T
toughlovin
Guest
Stay strong you are doing the right thing. I am glad your ex is on board!
TL
TL
keista
New Member
Well, we all do, and we know you are, so the message comes across. Read enough posts, and you'll find some very creative ways to get around the sensor.
I'm sorry you caught him, or more so that he was still using, but so glad you are staying firm. He really does sound like a kid who just got off track and needs that firm guidance to get him back on. I hope your DEX can be just as firm with him.
((((HUGS)))) and prayers out to you all.
I'm sorry you caught him, or more so that he was still using, but so glad you are staying firm. He really does sound like a kid who just got off track and needs that firm guidance to get him back on. I hope your DEX can be just as firm with him.
((((HUGS)))) and prayers out to you all.
