Im an aunt of an 18 year old and needs help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tryingaunt, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. tryingaunt

    tryingaunt New Member

    I have stumbled upon this page and and you all seem to have some great experiences and are very non judgmental and am hoping you can offer some advise. Back in September, my father-73 yo- and I made the decision to help my nephew- turned 18 the end of September- move to our town from his hurricane devastated area where he lived with his mother. Once here, he was living with me and was given basic rules of the house, no drugs-including weed, no alcohol, and to stay away from my friends daughters. The same rules as my 19 year old twins live with. Nothing different. Well, within 4 weeks he managed to disobey all 3 of them on several occasions. Things blew up one night when he basically told my husband that he didn't care about breaking our rules and being so incredibly disrespectful that we booted him and he went to stay with my 73 year old father. Fast forward to now and he's managed to wreck a car, continually lie, get fired from 2 jobs and has been overly disrespectful to my father. My dad needs this kid to be out of his house and has given him the date of the 28th of this month to be full time employed and out of his house. He has since found out a few major lies the kid has been telling him and wants him out now. My question is how, within the law, do you physically get an 18 year old out of your home and onto a plane to return to his mother.
     
  2. Hi tryingaunt,
    I live in the UK so I don’t know if it’s the same where you live.

    Here, if he refused to leave, the police could be called to assist. He can only be made to leave though and can’t be forced to go to his mum’s.

    It is completely up to your dad if he doesn’t want him to live there and he can make him leave.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the U.S. you may have to evict him. But you can do it and make him leave.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Trying

    Are you at all worried about your nephew’s anger or violence?

    If so, you should probably call the police department and ask them to assist you in getting him out. Tell them of your concerns for the safety of your father at the hands of your nephew.

    If they don’t want to help, I would call the Department of Aging and Disability and get their help in getting the police involved with the eviction. They have to investigate any potential abuse of an elderly person, so they would definitely be interested if your father feels scared, has been abused, or if he is being taken advantage of by his grandson (which it sounds like he is definitely being taken advantage of). If there has been any thefts, taking your dad’s medications, or any other violations, let them know.

    If your father is in any kind of danger, there shouldn’t be any need to wait for an eviction to get him out of the house.

    You could offer the nephew a plane ticket if he will go quietly and willingly without the assistance of the police.

    Let us know how things go.

    Apple
     
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    Last edited: Feb 12, 2018
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Check the eviction laws in your state, they differ. You can google it. Here in CA. if he would not leave on his own, he would have to be evicted. I believe it's a 30 day notice. At that point, if the person won't leave, you can have a sheriff physically remove him. If your father is afraid, or if your nephew has stolen from your Dad or performed any illegal activities, call the police. Or as Apple said, get the Dept. of Aging involved.

    Unless he is willing to get on a plane to his mother, you may not have that choice, unless you pay for the trip and he accepts your offer. Is his mother aware of the chaos and drama her son is causing all of you? If so, can't she be of some help to get him home?

    We don't know your nephew, however, he exhibits some of the unhealthy traits many of our troubled kids do.......the lying, the refusal to follow rules, the lack of care or empathy for others, substance abuse, disrespectful, cannot be trusted with cars or money or jobs......unfortunately, when our kids act in this fashion, they are usually not willing to do any changing whatsoever.........hence WE have to change.

    From what you've mentioned, your nephew should leave your Dad's home asap. If you require eviction, I would encourage you to start that process immediately. Unfortunately, when we demand action from our kids and stop accepting their poor behavior, they can act out, ramp up the drama, manipulate, threaten, blame, etc., ......so just be careful and remember to stay the course, even if he acts out. It is usually just a manipulation to get you to do what they want.

    From everything you mentioned, however you remove him from your fathers home is a healthy choice .........and the sooner your nephew returns to his mother, the better it will be for you and your Dad. Sigh. I know it's not easy. Take care of yourself and your Dad.
     
  6. tryingaunt

    tryingaunt New Member

    Thank you all for your help. I had my dad serve him an "eviction" notice, which did not go well. I have been in contact with his mother, at least I have contacted her, but she has minimal contact back. Part of me thinks she had to have seen these issues with him before he came here but was hoping he would straighten out, and she likely doesn't want him back. He is now involved with one of my best friends daughters and has gotten extremely verbally abusive with her as well. I have instructed them to not allow him in their home at this point and for their daughter to not take phone calls from him. I also told her if he did show up and was abusive in any way to feel free to call the police as this could only aid in getting him out of my dads home. As far as I know he has not taken anything from my dad, but then who knows. At the beginning of him living with my father, after we kicked him out, my dad saw none of these issues and basically thought we were nuts, but my dad was giving him everything, so who knows if he is now taking things. I will have to make sure my dad knows to not leave money, credit cards, etc around and when the kid is not present in the home next time I will be sure to go and check his room. I never would have even thought of that so thanks again for all of your help.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    There is always a honeymoon period, in the beginning. It never lasts.

    I’m glad you got the eviction notice served, Trying.

    How long do you have before he can be legally removed from the home?

    The majority of our difficult young adults have stolen from family members. Often we don’t notice till we have reason to need the item. They will take things they can resell or barter like jewelry, collectibles, guns, small antiques, tools, electronics, medications (just to name a few things) as well as cash, debit, and credit cards. Some are sneaky enough to just write down the cc numbers and order things online, so you don’t even realize the card is compromised until the bill comes. The items are often resold for drugs.

    The mother is certainly aware of her son’s problems. This type of behavior didn’t start after you brought him into your home. She may be in denial, and hoped that this would be a new start and he would somehow just start acting responsibly.

    He is very likely abusing drugs or alcohol, and has been for a long time. Maybe the mother thought that getting him away from his drug buddies would prompt a change, but it rarely works that way unless the person has a strong desire to change for himself. Drugs can be found anywhere.

    His mother should have warned you, but it’s too late for that now.

    My difficult step-son very likely took a collectible toy in the original box from his younger brother. It was in a box in the closet when the older one was staying here at one point. We didn’t notice till long after the fact, when the younger one was looking for it specifically. It probably wasn’t worth a lot of money, but a desperate drug adict will sell anything for their habit.

    I hope your friend’s daughter understands how dangerous this young man is, and stays away from him. Some girls are drawn to this type and it’s hard to know for sure. I would watch her carefully. Many a young girl has been started down the wrong path by a charming young guy with bad intentions.

    Is your nephew hostile or threatening with your dad? If he is, elder services would investigate and hopefully expedite the eviction.

    Keep us informed about this situation.

    Apple
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You should all check your credit. This can be done for free. Many teens are able to find easy directions online to get your credit card numbers and use them (or just get new cards issued on your accounts if you don't use the card often). Even worse, they are able to find directions to get new credit card accounts in your name, which is often even easier to do!!

    I think everyone exposed to a Difficult Child should do this every year or so, depending on how often it is allowed without harming your credit. If that Difficult Child has a substance abuse problem or other addiction (gambling, porn etc...), then credit may need to be checked more often. Sometimes you can get your bank to help with this. Often they can check your credit in ways that don't impact your credit score. They can also help you find ways to safeguard your credit, such as safe programs that send warnings when someone gets a new card issued on your account. This is just an extra warning if you did authorize this, and a welcome warning if you did not!

    It would be extremely good if the car was removed from his use/possession. Of course if it is in his name, you cannot do this. If it is registered in his name, stop paying for gas, insurance or anything else unless you are required to by law. When he uses it uninsured, report it to the cops. Call and say "Nephew is driving uninsured and probably drunk/high/impaired in a 2012 Honda sedan, tan in color. He is going from this address to this place, probably on Blank Street." Sometimes the cops respond, sometimes they don't have anyone free to respond. Have the family call whenever he drives somewhere and you know he is impaired and/or uninsured. It will eventually get to be too expensive to drive.

    If you own the car, take the keys. If he searches for them and takes them without authorization, there are things you can do. Calling the cops and reporting the car as stolen is one option. You can even tell them that he has stolen the car and he lives at X address. He may or may not get arrested. It depends on the officer and the day and many other factors. You can also disable the vehicle so he CANNOT use the car. It is quite easy. If you need directions to remove the fuses, I can do that easily. I have found that taking off the battery cables is something that a Difficult Child can easily see and fix (or mess up). Fuses are super easy, but they are not so obvious that a Difficult Child will see them. You have to use the book and your head, Know what I mean?? It still only takes a couple of minutes, isn't greasy usually, and can keep the car from operating until you put the fuse back in. A very fast "unfix" to keep a Difficult Child from absconding with a vehicle you don't want him to have. (I have other more diabolical "unfixes" but those are for hardcore situations. I don't think you need them.)

    The reason I say that you should do what you can to keep him from driving is that the vehicle is a 2 ton lethal weapon. If he is impaired, anyone on or near the road is in serious danger. Not having a car is a logical consequence of his behavior. If you stick to logical consequences like this, maybe he will learn a lesson sooner (in a year or two) rather than later (in a decade or two).

    Of course these are just my ideas. I know that these are not the right things to do at this time for everyone. They may or may not positively impact your situation. It may be quite some time before these can be done with your nephew, if they can EVER be done. Sometimes it just isn't safe to do what someone suggests even though you completely believe that it is the right thing to do in most situations. You can and should only do what your instincts tell you is the right thing to do in your situation. It won't be what was right for my family, or SWOT's, or AppleCpri's, or anyone else's family. If anyone ever tells you that you should do something because right now because it was the right thing for them to do for their family, ignore their advice. Always do what you feel is right for your family.

    We may all give you the same advice or we may squabble over what we tell you. It depends on our mood and the day we have had. Know that we are trying to give the best advice we can, but it is colored by our own situations. We don't ever mean to jump on you, I promise. We just get enthusiastic sometimes. I promise that you won't be judged if you ignore what we are telling you to do on those days and you just do what seems right to you. After all, it IS your family. We know this and respect this, even if we get a little over eager sometimes.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  9. tryingaunt

    tryingaunt New Member

    The car he is using is in my fathers name, and the nephew now only has use of it to go on job interviews. My dad is paying for the insurance and gas for this purpose only. I was unaware that he had previously been given until the 28th to get full time employment, so my dad put that date on the eviction notice and that it was served on the first of this month, since that was the verbal agreement they had. He is checking his credit as we speak, and I told him he was to take the car keys with him when he leaves the house. I am aware the kid has taken the car when my dad leaves in the evenings, so that will now stop. I have checked my credit cards as my husband has also and we both are good. This just sucks as we have really tried and I do feel for the kid. He is my brother's son, who passed away 4 years ago. I know the kid has been thru and my dad is dealing with some guilt which is why we have all dealt with this for a while. I know he was smoking weed occasionally when he was with us. I am a pharmacist so am adamant about it not being in my home or cars. My dad insists he is not smoking or drinking. I believe the smoking is done, but not the alcohol. I have instructed my dad to make him take a drug test for the weed, but not sure if he will follow through on that or not. I know we just want him gone at this point and are counting the days til the 28th. Not sure where my dad is planning on buying the plane ticket to since we are not positive where his mother is. Last we knew she was in Pennsylvania working til her employment could be reinstated in her home due to the hurricaine damage.
    Thank you again for all of your suggestions. It seems you all have dealt with something like this and have experience. I am so grateful that I do not with my own kids. Although my son is on the Autism Spectrum and we have had issues in the past, for now he is working-part time-but working and covering his expenses and computer habits. He tried college, but had many difficulties so not worth it for him right now. Told him he could revisit at a later date if he feels the need in the future.
     
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