I'm so stupid. It's supposed to be when you know better, you do better.

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Have you figured anything out? Any advice or what you did or wished you had done differently, etc?

How are things going now? I've been searching and searching for more help online. Not finding much on Google.

I'm still here- just navigating all of this the best I can. Things are calm but they aren't. My son has, actually, done pretty good since my last update.

I don't know what I would have done differently to be honest. I really don't. The mother of this baby is as crazytown as my son but in a more duplicitous way - as we are learning. Last Friday was "his" weekend- and she wanted the exchange to happen at the police department because she believed he also had been charged in their incident (when I called 911) the end of September- he also thought that- and so for leverage, she wanted him to get arrested- she's ok with being in trouble as long as he is too.

As it turns out- he was never charged. Only her. Which throws a whole NEW set of considerations into the mix.

He has had the baby for spring break- per court order. it's been a real joy for me- because I've kept him during the day while my son is at work.

One thing I do wish I had done would be to have my son establish rights and be smart about it from the very beginning. I was always nothing but nice to the baby's mother, and respectful of her folks- but what I've found is she is extremely resentful of us (my daughter and I) and our relationship with my son. She's a classic abusive person- doesn't want him to have any support system at all. So my only access to the baby IS through my son. Although I tried really hard to make sure I'd have access through her too.

It's hard. It's so so hard. Because this baby is so innocent in ALL of it.

My son is really really trying hard right now to get his life together- he wants 50/50 at some point if not more.

It's going to take a lot of work on his part, but he honestly seems very determined.

I'll try to come around more often!

 

[BusynMember]

Has he gone to court to establish custodial time and shared legal rights? My son was able to get 50 per cent physical and legal custody and his dysfunctional ex, who ran off with another man while married to my son may even lose more in court. Your son (or you) should not give her the majority custody. You do need court.
Good luck.

 

[Copabanana]

I'll raise that baby- no problem.

But first the parents have to both lose custody per the court and it is all done legally. You'd need a lawyer and to fight for custody

I second what Serenity says. I would insist upon legal protection for the baby and for yourself. Without it the parents can take the baby, which would be the worst of outcomes or close to it.

Do not doubt yourself. You are doing everything, handling everything, phenomenally.

COPA

 

[JMom]

It's so tough once children are brought into the mix. Fortunately, children are resilient. You are doing all the right things. Prayers for you and everyone involved. :

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Has he gone to court to establish custodial time and shared legal rights?

Yes, which is why he has had the baby all this week. He returns him to her tomorrow.

A friend of mine, who knows the WHOLE situation recommended my son contact the local Abuse center for help too- because in THEIR situation, he was the ABUSED (physically, emotionally, etc)- given that she was the only one charged- I'm told that they may help him and help him get back into court to modify this order.

He goes thursday to talk with them. Cross your fingers.

He has so many of his own issues to work through- but I have to say seeing him be a father to this sweet baby has been very heartwarming for me. I knew he had "it" in him- that soft side, the side that can reflect.....he worries about this baby all the time. ALL THE TIME. Because you know, he lived with her- he KNOWS her far better than any of us do. So because he worries, I worry (and I'm trying so hard to not do that- or I'll make myself crazy)....

You know, unrelated to him in particular but overall- it's such a shame that the 'system' views dad's rights to be worth no more than four nights a month. They were getting along and he had the baby quite a bit- she works midnight shift at a hospital- so he kept the baby those nights- but because she's chosen to be hateful - she's decided he cannot do this anymore and is paying a 'friend' to watch him. He has NEVER stayed with non-relatives- not in all his seven months. I'm proud that he's managed his anger in this. Because I know him, and a year ago? No telling what he would do. But he's learning- because of his son - he MUST manage it and THINK first. He slips, but it's been very interesting for me to see.

 

[BusynMember]

Certain states, and more and more each year, have a presumption of 50/50 custody. Missouri is one, where my son lives. Check your states custody laws. It is no longer a womans obvious advantage. A good lawyer knows this and asks for 50/50.

 

[Copabanana]

He has so many of his own issues to work through- but I have to say seeing him be a father to this sweet baby

Penny, there is another mother on the board who is caring for her grandson, her son's child. The mother is incompetent and either gave up or lost her parental rights, and her son is trying to get it together.

Meanwhile the grandparents are caring for their grandson who is autistic, and 4 years old.

Her name is Tishthedish. It might be helpful to look for her threads.

COPA

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Certain states, and more and more each year, have a presumption of 50/50 custody. Missouri is one, where my son lives. Check your states custody laws. It is no longer a womans obvious advantage. A good lawyer knows this and asks for 50/50.

That is most definitely not the case here. This is a mother state. My son didn't have an atty- they went to court for child support, and here, you automatically get standard visitation. Fathers in this state pretty much have to prove the mom UNFIT to get 50/50 much less full custody. It's going to be uphill from now on. I do not have the income for an attorney for him, which is why I hope going the domestic violence route will help him legally.

He signed those papers when they went to mediation for support against what I told him because the person with child support enforcement scared him (long story, but I know exactly how and why they did that and knew it would happen).

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Penny, there is another mother on the board who is caring for her grandson, her son's child. The mother is incompetent and either gave up or lost her parental rights, and her son is trying to get it together.

Meanwhile the grandparents are caring for their grandson who is autistic, and 4 years old.

Her name is Tishthedish. It might be helpful to look for her threads.

I'll check that out. I wish this broad would get another boyfriend and just give up.

My son can do this- I will help and can do it until he gets his footing- but he can do it better than she can (and given his issues, that's saying a lot)

 

[Copabanana]

My son can do this

This is the important thing. For him, for you, for the baby.

I feel so much respect for him. He is defining himself from the best of all motivations, love of his child and desire to protect. You did a good, good job, Penny. He will prevail. I know it in my heart.

COPA

 

[BusynMember]

Penny, I am sorry. If there is a way for him to go back WITH AN ATTORNEY it could make a huge difference. I pray for all of you, especially baby.

 

[detachingmother]

Thank you so much for that update. It is helping me gather my thoughts.

I do know he wants to establish some type of custody. We do have a state which most judges want to see that first...50/50, regardless of who did what and when.

Now that he's in jail though, it's all on hold. Before he went he had seen an attorney even though they were together to first establish paternity, then a custody arrangement, as they were on and off again. After having done the math on when she conceived and when her due date is, it probably is Son's, so here we go...I am gearing up because I know it's going to be an issue.

Yes, this girlfriend is as crazy as it comes. No drugs or alcohol at all, but she beats on him. She is almost always the aggressor. She Went to jail for punching him square in the face in front of a security guard in the mall....that was right when she conceived--spent 5 days that time. She went to jail pregnant and didn't know she was at the time. Then it was nothing but abuse until the culmination of him ending up back in jail. That was just ONE incident. She's been to jail three times for "abusing" him or someone else. Once it was just a girl at the grocery store who "looked" at her wrong. At least she DOES have a public paper trail of her behavior. Not just physical, but constant emotional abuse. Calls him to please pick her up three times a day, and he will go over there crying and upset to get her, and she will stand at the window flipping him off, the dad calls him POS, the mother is a fruit too. She throws tantrums when she wants him to buy her stuff, and he's so whipped, he does it. Non stop, ok, I digress, you probably get the point. Son's a jerk in many ways, and I do see some good in him too, when he's not wrapped up in a woman. This is the third crazytown he's been with....first one for three years, left him for a woman...messed him up too.

I am pretty sure I could establish grand parent rights and get some sort of arrangement, as we also have that in our state. At least I know we did in the past, unless that has changed. I just have spent so much on this Son of mine, to the point of financial depletion, I just don't know if I want to keep this up. I am getting to the point, I want to enjoy my life, not spend the rest of it fighting for my grand baby. Maybe I am just selfish. And, I am scared I guess of spending the next 18 years fighting with this....

I also think there's a good chance this might be a case of, "you give her enough rope, and she will ...."

I am probably getting way ahead of myself though, but I can assume that there will be problems based on both their past bad behavior. She could change, but I doubt it, so could he, but I am just not sure yet. I think with girlfriend living with her parents that she will behave...her mom is one who would call CPS on her own daughter. Oddly, I believe that.

Thanks again for the update.

 

[New Leaf]

I am probably getting way ahead of myself though, but I can assume that there will be problems based on both their past bad behavior.

If only we could all have crystal balls to see into the future, then we would know for sure which direction to go in.

DM, I have been through much with my daughter, her boyfriend and three grands. It seems this generation feed off of drama. I put the grands in the forefront with the mindset that they were innocent babes, who didn't deserve any of this.
TRUE.
BUT, the reality of the whole situation, led the horse and the cart, and everything else that came along with it.

Looking back, the one most important thing I would have changed, would be to build myself up. Their ship went through some very stormy seas, and I was hanging on for dear life right alongside.

Work hard to build yourself up. Try to focus also on your 17 year old, he is your first priority, even above your grandchild.

You will get through this, but ready yourself for the battle at hand, dear.
It is a rough ride.



My heart goes out to you.

leafy

 

[detachingmother]

DM, I have been through much with my daughter, her boyfriend and three grands. It seems this generation feed off of drama.

Yep, I have been reading all of your journey too. I also agree...the drama. Too many people listened to the likes of Dr. Phil. I think while he has/had good intentions, it helped create the "poor me" generation. I like Dr.Phil, and much of what he says, but I do think all that don't do this, and don't do that, it's abuse, negect, etc, did it's own brand of damage for certain personality types. Not just Dr. Phil, everything from the Politically Correct talk, all the way to the do not spank your kids talk. Bad! Stuff! in many ways....in my opinion

Looking back, the one most important thing I would have changed, would be to build myself up.

This is where I am at, for the most part. Learning to make sure my own hopes, dreams, and happiness is allowed for myself. Guess we all need reminders.

I do not love that you have a "story" for me to read, but I do highly appreciate that you put it out here for me and people like me to read! I know you went through, and still are going through, alot of un-necessary crap. Wish none of us had to deal with this....

Hugs to you Leafy, you're a special person! I love your poems too!