But there is something in me that feels the imposter. Like I know I am a person worthy of respect because others do and have respected me...not because of what I feel myself to be. I deserve respect for what I know myself to be. Not what I feel myself to be.
I think that is where we are beginning to work now, Copa.
This is huge.
You are questioning that core of how you were taught to see yourself.
This is how I see what is happening to all of us as we heal: Almost without our conscious direction, we are presented with opportunities to heal, if we can sit with the feelings. There is nothing more we have to do. You are in contact with the core of woundedness, but you are not allowing yourself to protect yourself in the old, habitual ways.
You are allowing vulnerability. That's so huge, Copa.
Whose voice is talking?
Whose words are being used to describe the feeling of "imposter"?
Remember when I discovered the real messages underlying "That'll do, pig."
In the past, when we were confronted with feelings we did not understand, we created a role. That, to me, is where the feeling of imposter (for you) or of fraudulence (for me) comes from. Now, we are questioning the role. It isn't enough for us. We want to be real. We want to interact from the warmth at the heart of us, and not from the fear, from the certainty, that we are unworthy; that if people really knew us, they would condemn us as we were condemned when we were little girls ~ too little to understand how to come through the mother's intensity of emotion. It takes great courage...but living from a role is a lonely life. We were brought up knowing the core self had to be protected at all costs. Vulnerability, being real and open and trusting, is impossibly hard for us because we cannot yet trust ourselves; our self concepts are changing. We are like beautiful dragonflies, coming out of our newt stages.
Now, we are choosing vulnerability.
We have to. Otherwise, we go back to believing ourselves that ugly stage we were taught we always would be. But of course that isn't true. We are meant to mature into ourselves.
Each time we accept and we survive it, we are stronger, the next time.
We have to stand in the fire to come through it, but that's okay, Copa.
We are coming real.
The dragon rises from the mists and rolling fog of Not Knowing, aware that the journey has begun. It is time for the authentic self to emerge from confusion, seek its education, claim its heritage.
That is from The Artist's Way at Work.
I am pleased and proud for all of us. Sometimes, I cannot even believe we are able to do what we are so clearly doing.
It's hard, Copa. We have each come through terrible things, and those things hurt us deeply.
But we are coming awake, and that is an amazing thing.
You can do this. I like it that you know better than to believe those old negative tapes from the past. You are (me, too; Serenity, too) questioning their validity.
That's really scary.
But we know our moms were not healthy enough to do better for us than they did. We know now not to believe the things they taught us. What we don't know yet is what it is to be real. We think it must be some perfectly "right" mindset. It is instead, I think, a mindset of accepting vulnerability. We can take time. We can see how a thing evolves.
We can stick around for that, instead of believing successful interaction has anything to do with managing a situation so someone else will grant us acceptability.
That's scary.
Not because of them? But because of the things we tell ourselves about ourselves.
We are doing such good, good work together.
Cedar
