Irritated with oldest

[HaoZi]

I've been separated since 2004, had two final hearings, and still haven't managed to actually get divorced. He was served, I did the silly parenting and divorce grief class, blah blah blah, but because my ex did not once send in anything to court saying yea, nay, or f u, they won't give me the stupid finalization. It might be because what I'm asking for is so beyond the visitation guildelines, but still... he was served and didn't argue it. Now unless I write the whole frikkin thing up again and get him to sign off on it, nothing is going to happen. Judge also wanted us to re-do the support order. Well I tried that before, but because his state issued the order on behalf of another state, they refuse to give up jurisdiction on that. I sent in all the paperwork to have it redone here, and the response I got from the other state was that same paperwork and the requirement of that state's notary. You kidding me?! I'm not going 800+ miles to get the same frikkin paperwork notarized when it should be moved here anyway just because that state won't let it go.

So I've let it linger. Kind of like my oil changes (don't smack me Shari!). When I have the $ I forget to get it done; when I remember I need it, I don't have the $.

Now this isn't my first divorce, and from my perspective if I was seriously looking to remarry or even co-habitate with a guy at this point, one requirement is that it be someone that HAS lived on their own before and has proven they're capable of taking care of themselves. Both of my ex's went straight from mama's home to mine, and after splitting straight to someone else's. Neither one of them has ever lived on their own. I don't think either of them can. I'm not raising another husband, I've already done it twice. So this paragraph is me adding my two cents on pushing him out on his own and using his girlfriend as incentive to do it. She's a mom, she's military, she's likely tired of always having to be the responsible one and wants a partner, an equal, not a grown kid. He needs to show her he can do it. Not saying that's what she's thinking or feeling, but it's possible and if he thinks that's what she wants, he might well rise to the occasion.

 

[Hound dog]

Billy is making plenty enough to rent a small place of his own. He doesn't want to simply because there he gets his cake and eats it too. So there is no motivation.

I'd be doing at least twice the rent and start charging for meals or he contributes to the grocery bill. If you make it uncomfortable enough, he will find motivation to move out on his own. Or he'll be more willing to help out to see if he can get more money back into his pocket. But I think he'd move first.......he likes his toys and wants to keep his money to himself.

 

[susiestar]

Time to sit Billy down iwth a new LEASE for his room. The terms need to be in writing and you MUST be willing to enforce them swiftly per terms of the lease. First is the amt of rent - even twice what you are now charging is a gift. So go for $300 a month cash. The room he lives in must be orderly and free of anything to attract bugs/mice. He is to do his own laundry on X day. tha tis the day the machines are to be open and waiting for him. He works that day? Well, put a load in before work, ask to have it tossed in the dryer, if it doesn't get moved over toss it in when he gets home and start a second load. Toss that in the dryer after dinner. Watch some tv, fold clothes, etc... Done. It CAN be done after a full day of work. esp as it is just him.

He MUST clean X amt of time per week or rent $450 the next month. he can SAVE $150 per month by doing X, Y and Z chores. That means he is responsible for certain things.

Arguing wtih landlord over if he has done chores or not will cost a $25 fine per argument. IF he has a problem or is not being credited for his chores, he can submit a WRITTEN explanation of what chores he did and it will be considered. Verbal arguments cost $25 per argument. Any argument over 15 min will cost $10 per 15 min period after the first 15 min.

Figure out what chores, specifically, you want him to do. All of his own dishes? What if you cook a meal and he eats with you - does he do all the dishes or just what he used to eat/drink from?

Make sure that if he is given a chore to do on a day off that it has to be done regardless of whatever esle he has to do.

Why can't he take the car in, get a ride home and do the cleaning, then get a ride to go get the car? Then he could fix the car AND do what he needs to.

I really think it is time to put your foot down. I won't be surprised to hear the girlfriend is not willing to continue the relationship because he is just not mature enough. She needs a partner and he cannot do that yet - someone who cannot clean up his dishes during a weekend simply is not a partner to someone with kids, Know what I mean??

 

[DammitJanet]

Supposedly the girlfriend likes to cook and clean when stressed...lol. I told her she would be cooking and cleaning a whole lot if she lived with him and then she could come to my house...lol. I mean she met us.

I have tried the chore charts just like with a little kid before. I even posted a sign on my front door saying if you were over 18, you had to take out the trash every day. Did no good. Everyone remarked on my sign but no one checked the trash to see if it was full to take it out...sigh. I am expected to wash dishes and make the meals every single day except days that Tony is off work. Then he will make the meals. Washing the dishes wouldnt be such a big deal if we had a dish washer. As it is, my back kill me when I have to stand there and wash the dishes and then make the meals. Oh I dont need to explain.

 

[HaoZi]

Breaker box. No power to his room and computers until he does what he's expected to do. Pull the fuse and keep it in your pocket if you have to.

 

[Hound dog]

Breaker box. No power to his room and computers until he does what he's expected to do. Pull the fuse and keep it in your pocket if you have to.

I like it. Very creative. Makes him very uncomfortable. Good motivator to either help out or move out.

See, that's the option Travis gets. We're a family. Means we all do things we don't necessarily want to do to help the family out as a whole. Refuse to help? Find a new place to live.

 

[1905]

on the other hand, It's easy for me to type what someone should do, but I myself can't get anyone to do anything for themselves around here. I've been trying to get my youngest to pick weeds, for money, and he's just always almost, on the verge of, soon, ...later.....after my nap, and it never gets done, husband gives him money on the promise he'll do it tomorrow. I'm the bad guy, and it never gets done. 6 weeks of this! Also, my car is full of wrappers from middle easy child and he is the same way....soon... he'll clean up after himself. I give this kid my car to take to work, and I ride my bike!!! It's not even my bike ...it's way too small, it's some old childs bike from my garage. (I only work a 10 minute bike ride away). The point is, my family doesn't do things I want them to,it is so frustrating and I doubt they will change. We need a Supernanny for adult children. Some of us may need her for our husband's also.

 

[susiestar]

Also turn the hot water off when he gets into the shower. STOP taking the garbage out. If you empty the can, tie the bag and ptu it in his room. If that doesn't work, he just puts it in hte hall or leaves it in his room, stop tying it shut and and put it on his BED. No. NOT kidding. Make him uncomfortable.

Home is too easy for him. Signs are cute but do nothing. Time to be the creative warrior mom I know you are.

Get rid of the dishes. Box them up, leave out one plate, bowl, cup, mug, fork, spoon, knife for each of you and tony. Put those in a cabinet or drawer with a lock. tell him that since he won't do the chores he doesn't get to eat there. His piddly rent doesn't cover food and maid service - he wants to eat he can go get an apt or he can start to earn the right to eat your food.

or else, let him know that dishes are his to wash every single day from now on. Days he doesn't? Dishes go into his room. In a bowl, dishpan, or just loose on his bed. With all the food, nasty yuck, etc... caked on them. When he washes them he can again eat. Otherwise? get out of my kitchen and food.

Trust me, fill his room with enough bags of garbage and dirty dishes and he WILL get the point. Esp if you put them on his precious computers.

 

[dashcat]

Janet,
Seriously. This is not a battle you should be fighting. He's not twelve - he's a grown man. If he wants to live in squalor and be lazy ... fine. He live like that in his own place. You've been given a lot of great suggestions here as to how to make that happen - pick a strategy that you can live with and implement it.
Dash

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

Oh wow - all that for a hundred bucks a month and me makes $1400 or more takehome? Get real! He'll never move out - why should he?

Charge him $500 rent all inclusive with washer/dryer priviledges for specific days.

He buys his own food or goes hungry. He already buys his goodies anyways and doesn't share - so let him buy all of his food. If he wants to eat at home or have food access there - charge an additional $50 bucks per week.

He takes the trash or it gets parked in his room. If he forgets to take it in the morning when he is off to work, make him go back after work to drop it off. If he dumps it somewhere on the premises when you are not looking, he needs to clean it up and take care of it, or there will be a $25 litter clean up fee each time.

If he is not voluntarily moving on his own, you might as well charge for the inconvenience and added expenses he is costing you. You will never get him out of the house otherwise... He certainly earns enough to contribute considerably more than a lousy 100 bucks! This is a 30 yr old adult male [not a 19 yr old highschool student] that is capable of holding down a job, and no matter what his other issues are, he can pay his fair share for the household support! If you feel uncomfortable putting him out, change his status from son living at home to room mate with benefits.

 

[DammitJanet]

Susie...I did the one plate etc...it did no good. As far as bags of trash...oh you havent seen his room! He wouldnt notice. He is an episode of hoarders. eventually he just moves bags to my other bedroom when we arent looking and I dont notice for a month or two.

Problem for me is Tony isnt on board so nothing gets done. I can itch and moan but if Tony doesnt back me up when I tell him to make sure Billy works on something before he goes to work, well, nothing changes.

 

[Hound dog]

I think I'd have to drill it into Tony's head how much the kid is making, how much he's not contributing either money wise or anything else, and push like all get out for a near move out date. There is no reason Billy can't live independently and for you and Tony to live in peace.

 

[HaoZi]

Take his keyboard. Lock it (and possibly yours) up until it's done.