Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?

[BusynMember]

HI there. Sorry you had to come here and sorry for your trouble and your hurting heart.

If you want a good response, I think you should start your own thread. As it is, you are just adding to an old one and I'm afraid not a lot of people will see yours.

Anyway, of course a lot of us do make our kids leave, especially when they are violent and disrespectful and dangerous and often they steal from us and use drugs and refuse to work, etc. etc. etc. This isn't a moral issue. It's a safety decision. Also, your son certainly is not going to get his life together if you give him a warm cushy bed, money, a car and hot meals while he threatens you. That is enabling his choice to behave dangerously toward you. There is NO EXCUSE IN THE WORLD...nothing YOU could say...that should EVER have your son coming at you with his fists. He is not two years old. He is responsible for what he does. You aren't.

There are grandparents who enable their grandchildren and who turn on their children and don't believe their stories. I would not focus on that too much, although it hurts. The fact is, they don't know the truth and if they want to close their ears to it, there is nothing you can do about it. If he lives with them a while, they will learn the truth.

It's good that you have supportive loved ones. I t hink you should concentrate on THEM this Christmas and try to detach from the drama that your wayward son and parents are causing. It isn't easy to learn how to do and you are very new to this, but it is something you will learn as time goes on if your son continues to make poor decisions and your parents continue to treat you with disrespect.

I would read the article on the top of the page on detachment. And for now, I would put your parents at a distance. You don't need to listen to their accusations and even abuse. I don't care if they are 104 years old. They should treat you with respect and, if they don't, you do not need to listen to their words. Maybe they need to see that you are not going to listen. As for your son, sounds like he's using drugs. Is this true? If so, well, most of our adult kids who are still self-destructing are doing so because of drugs.

Regardless of the reason, nobody should ever house a dangerous person, even if it is an adult child.

I hope this helped a little. Keep posting. We are always here...24/7. We know what you are going through.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

Thanks so much! I'll figure out now how to start a thread...;-)...I feel so lost that it's nice to find some 'sisters' in this journey

 

[BusynMember]

Just click on New Thread, type in a heading, then type. You may need to scroll down. This is a new format and I'm not really used to it yet, but it's not hard

There are a lot of us who get it. There are specific people who have grandparent problems too You are no longer alone.

 

[recoveringenabler]

JakesMom, you have replied to an old post where your post may get lost. It would be better and offer you more support if you copied and pasted your post onto a new thread...............

Welcome. Your story is a sad one, but not an uncommon one, unfortunately. Yes, there are a few members who have encountered the rest of the family turning against the parents. People who don't live with these challenging kids just have no idea what we go through. It's tough when your family makes those kinds of choices. I'm sorry.

How you get through Christmas or anytime is you make sure you get as much support as you can. If you aren't already it may be prudent for you to get yourself in some kind of therapy, a parent group, a place where YOU will receive the support YOU need to be able to manage this landscape. It is very difficult and in your case made worse by your parents.

If you son threatened you then you absolutely did the right thing. However, in the case of our kids, doing the right thing sometimes feels pretty bad. We know how you feel. We know the heartbreak of having to throw our own kids out..............but you have to respond in appropriate ways and have clear consequences for that kind of behavior. The next time, if you allowed him to get away with that, he may threaten a stranger and end up in jail.

For the time being you will have to be able to acknowledge that you did the right thing and not seek approval outside of your immediate family. That sounds simple, but it isn't. In your heart, you know you are doing the right thing, but as parents, we all tend to second guess ourselves all the time. If you read enough stories on this site, you will be able to identify your son's behavior with many if not most of our kids here.............they act in similar ways and put us through many struggles and much suffering..............

If you get a chance read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Move your post to it's own thread and keep posting. We really get it. Most people who do not live where we do don't get it, so it is wise to let go of thinking that people will understand and agree with your choices, which makes this site even more necessary and life saving.

Go do some nice nurturing things for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take the focus off of your son now and put it onto yourself..........that shift of focus will make a big difference. Your son is making choices. He has to face the consequences of his behavior. You are doing the right thing.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I wonder where and how Kittycat is. Her last post was 1/2013. Believing this was a new poster, I was surprised to read my own comments. It was interesting to chart my own growth through this last, horrible year. Kittycat, if you are still here with us, I hope you did evict the son. As I read the posts before realizing they were from last year, I had intended to post that Kitty should evict the son, with the Sheriff's help if necessary, today. Providing the address, or requesting the Sheriff to drop him off at a homeless shelter, is what Kitty should have done. I think I would be strong enough to do that, today. Last year at this time, I was still too vulnerable myself to know to recommend that.

Though it isn't right or fair that we find ourselves in these positions with our troubled kids, what I have learned through the course of my own journey (and remember, everyone, that my kids are both in their late thirties) is that we are going to have to stand up at some point. Once we do, the kids will stand up, too. Until we do, until we do stand up and mean it to the core of our beings, the kids will become more devious, more manipulative, more blaming. It's a horribly destructive game. We have the power to change it. We have to take the reins. There is no other way. We did not choose this. We would never, ever, have chosen this reality for our children. But it is what it is. Running away from it or pretending it is something else is not helping our children to stand up as adults. Unless they do stand up, they will never evolve a mature perspective or an adult's hard earned self respect. Finally, drugs are drugs. There is no dealing with, understanding, or loving someone through an addiction. Drugs will kill everything good in our children. We need to recognize the nature of the battle we are in and choose to fight for our kids with everything we have. That means throwing them right into the fray of the battle they chose.

They will not survive, otherwise. Even is they live physically, the people they will evolve into will be the darker shadow of the persons they were meant to be.

I am so grateful to have this site.

Kittycat, if you are still out there, please check in. Let us know how you are.

Cedar