Major struggles with 18 & 15 Year Old and husband travels

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mamaang, Oct 22, 2017.

  1. Mamaang

    Mamaang New Member

    I found this forum last week as I was desperately trying to find advice on what to do about my 18 year old son who is a senior in high school. We discovered he had been smoking pot last year. We started drug testing him and started taking away privileges. At this point, we've taken the doors off his room because we've found pot in his room multiple times. His grandfather gave him a vehicle and the title is under my sons name. He also pays for his own insurance and gas. We've now decided to stop paying for his cell phone since he is using it to contact his pot dealer. It's so difficult because he makes B's in school, holds down a part time job and is responsible. He just refuses to stop smoking pot. Last April we found out our 15 year old daughter was drinking, smoking and sending nude pictures of herself to boys. We took away her phone and social media and she was very depressed. We had her in counseling and thought things were getting better. However, we found out last week that she was cutting daily for almost 2 months this past summer. A couple of months ago she called us to come pick her up at a party because she was so drunk. The plus side was that she called us. Last week we found out she had been taking Xanax for 3 weeks and a few days ago was in the bath tub cutting herself after taking too many Xanax and blacked out. She woke up in the tub with blood in the water and she was terrified. However, she didn't tell me until the next evening. My husband was out of town and it seems like every time there is a crisis, I'm here alone to deal with it. My daughter admitted she needs help and is going to start therapy and will have to stay in therapy indefinitely. I have been in therapy for the past 2 years and am on an antidepressant and anxiety medication. I work from home part time and feel stuck without an outlet. I'd like to be able to get away like my husband does at least once a month, but don't even know what I'd do or if it's a good idea? Has anyone else been in my shoes? If so, I would love any and all the advice I can get.
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome. Our forum is often quiet on the weekends, I am sure you will receive many more responses in the coming days. This is a warm and welcoming place. We are glad you are here, although we are sorry you need us.

    I have two stepsons, both of whom are very troubled. It is hard to know what to do. Are you and your husband on the same page as far as your son is concerned? I think cutting off his cell phone is a great idea. If you know who the pot dealer is, you could inform the police and let things play out as they will. I don't know how you feel about doing something like that. But it is an option.

    Your daughter's situation sounds much more serious than your son's. It sounds like your son is functioning well and following most of the rules of the household with the exception of his marijuana use. However your daughter is putting her life at risk with the drugs she is abusing and the cutting, which can easily cross the line into a suicide attempt. My younger stepson nearly completed suicide via overdose. He has been hospitalized since Labor Day and is still hospitalized. It is a miracle that he survived. He will have disabilities for the rest of his life as a result of this attempt. We are still figuring out the extent of the damage. He was on life support for a full week.

    This sort of thing is no joke as I am sure you know. I hope that you are able to locate a therapist for her, a good one that she respects and trusts, and that she can work with. Talk to her about the source of her stress. In my YS case it was school along with a host of long term family issues which simply became too overwhelming for him in that moment. He now says that he is glad to be alive which makes us VERY happy. However I do not want any family to go through what we are currently living.

    Keep on posting, you will get a lot of feedback and support.
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome. You are not alone. So many stories here some very much the same, and others same but different.

    Are you in 1:1 therapy, would a group session be something that would be a good support for you? Self care is very very important. I lost track of that for some time.

    My husband travels and we were not on the same page at all. Husband was in absolute denial and it almost killed our 30 year realatinship. We are in therapy and now much better. We are both on the same page dealing with our Difficult Child/AS.

    Back story son is 18 just turned 18 Friday. Has been drugging since 14/15. Started with pot escalated to other drugs. Xanax is one of his doctor. Street Xanax is terrible as it is often laced with fentanyl. Prescription Xanax is bad enough. He has continued to drug, steal from us, lie to us. No matter what we do he continues. We have taken his cell phone plan away. We have taken away his car and now have sold it. He makes no effort to stop drugging. He was dealing and we told him to stop or we would call the police. He was arrested for possession and theft at a later date. He does not do well in school at all.

    We have asked him to leave our home as we are just not able to get him to agree to go to long term rehab. He had been put out of the house, in the summer and begged to come home saying he wanted to go to rehab. Rehab bed became open and he refused to go.

    It’s not easy. There is great support here. You son is smoking pot and yes make it uncomfortable for him. Hopefully he will give it up.

    I am glad your daughter is in therapy she definitely needs it. Cutting is a disorder and it needs to be treated properly. She is so young to be starting the drink and drug. But that is the tragedy. They start so young.

    Keep posting and know your not alone.
  4. Mamaang

    Mamaang New Member

    Thank you for your advice and support.
  5. Mamaang

    Mamaang New Member

    Thank you so much. My husband and I are on the same page most of the time. It's definitely challenged our marriage. We are seeing our therapist tomorrow to get more advice. I have a friend how is a sergeant in one of our neighboring suburbs where one of his dealers is and that dealer is not being watched. It heart breaking because he does not want to stop. We also sold a beautiful Jeep we got for him when he turned 16. We thought that would make him want to stop, but it didn't. He's lost so many privileges and nothing at this point has worked. I'm also worried that he might be selling. Now, we're dealing with our daughter and I honestly don't know how much more I can handle or when or if it will stop. It's so hard to just ignore what's happening and not let it rob my joy.
  6. Mamaang

    Mamaang New Member

    Thank you so much for your support. I have already reported one of his pot dealers to a friend of mine that is a sergeant and he has his narcotics team watching the dealer. Learning about my daughter was another blow to my stomach. I'm so sorry to hear about your step son. I'm praying that my daughter will connect with her therapist and start to heal and love herself. She is such a beautiful young lady and it kills me knowing that she's hurting. I'm so new to this forum and I'm wondering if there is a way to edit my topic that says "Major Struggles with 18 & 15 year old and husband travels?" I'd like to add "Advice Please" to the beginning of the Topic. Is that possible? Thank you!
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Contact the admin (one is Runawaybunny they can do your edit for you)
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I agree with the others in that I would focus more on your daughter than your son right now.

    Frankly I do not condone the smoking of weed in my home BUT if that is all my son did and was doing well in every other area, I'd leave it alone for now. You can see by my signature we have had many years of drug abuse and our son not being able to accomplish anything due to drug use. He would go several months without using and that is why it took so long for us to take hard action. We kept thinking he was "done". He did use weed as a gateway drug but many do not.

    This generation does not see marijuana as a "drug" and equate it with drinking alcohol. Some can do it recreationally and some cannot.

    Glad you have a husband that is on the same page with you. You do need to take care of yourself and your marriage as well.

    Raising teenagers is not easy, especially when they have problems that we do not know how to address.

    Good luck and keep posting. It does help.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree that if a kid is smoking pot but functioning well, I wouldnt go overboard on that. It will be legal everywhere soon and kids and even many older adults do not and never will see pot as anything big. Many think alcohol as worse. Losing battle. Your son is doing well in life. You wont win the pot war because pot is mainstream now and you wont convince him its a dangerous drug or a drug at all. You CAN ban smoking in your house. About it. Even in states where it is still illegal, often having pot is not a serious crime.

    Your daughter is where I would put my focus. And it seems you have a plan to help her and that she is cooperating. You are doing a great job with her.
  10. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think the younger one is angry because of the older kid's behavior and may be acting out from stress. Counseling might help.