Also, how does one begin to participate in this FOO forum? Would it be appropriate for me to start a thread with a little info about my Family of Origin?
Hi Nomad. Welcome. Yes indeed, you have already started. It is so nice to see other sister or brother warriors post here.
I posted in FOO because the deep feelings from dealing with my two brought to surface memories of my past and I realized that I needed to work through them. It was good to write things out and receive responses, what it came down to was a validation of how I felt, how those feelings effected me in the past and throughout my life.
I am able to hold a post until I am ready to post it. I retain control in the sense that I may decide not to post it at all. But there is something about that final step of posting that names us to ourselves. It has to do with the power those secret things hold over us because they are secret. Posting is choosing ourselves over our secrets.
Sometimes, I would write things out and ponder over them, edit and evaluate, then post.
There was something very cathartic and freeing about being able to review those old feelings, write them and have people comment and give opinions, encouragement and share resources.
Though some may feel, and it has been written that FOO seemed a bit clique-ish, I think that what occurred, was that a few folks were intent on delving into very personal issues with their FOO that they recognized as effecting them, and ventured to explore and work through those issues.
They had been working together for months, so of course they were close knit.
It may seem like this work only adds to the intensity of what we are dealing with our d cs, but it was that which brought me to FOO. The grieving and processing what was happening to my two, dug a mine shaft through the core of me, that went all the way to my past. Old feelings bubbled up that I could not ignore.
I happened upon FOO and saw the work being done and posted here. At first I was a bit hesitant because my issues were very different from what was being discussed, and I did sense a close bond had been established within the FOO forum. I wondered if I " fit" in, and felt that maybe I was being somewhat intrusive.
I was most welcomed here and though I was at the beginning of my journey, Cedar, Copa, SWOT and Insane, sometimes other members would add their thoughts and encouragement. I am most grateful for that.
Working through my feelings and acknowledging my inner child was and is a way to discover, embrace and build on myself, something that I feel is essential for all human beings, but especially for parents in our situations, dealing with issues with our beloved children.
I think folks could benefit from writing here even if they don't feel they have issues with their FOO, reminiscing about the good times they had growing up.
It is my understanding that our selves as children live within us, and it is healthy to recognize that and the need to heal and embrace that inner child by finding activities that bring us joy and playfulness into our lives.
Family of origin.
How much does our upbringing and experiences shape us and affect us?
Are there memories that come up that we haven't thoroughly processed? Whether the memories bring joy or sorrow, pride or shame, they are still very much a part of us.
It may feel for some, like a betrayal of their FOO, to dredge up the past and write of it here. In my case, I had been told so many times by my FOO that I was making something out of nothing, and that I should just
forget about the past, move on. But, the past kept haunting me, and as I processed what was going on with my two, I saw the need to process those feelings that kept surfacing. I would bring things up with my family, but it was never met with encouragement to discuss, there were sighs and rolling eyeballs, and a "there she goes again" attitude. I love my family, but there was something that existed inside of me that needed to be heard, and was repeatedly rejected and trivialized. I don't think I would have ever talked with a therapist because of this. I felt silly and ashamed, just kept going and swallowing the hurt of it, pushing it down until the wall I had built around it came crumbling down with the grief over my two.
My apologies, this is turning into a looooooong post.
What I learned here through posting my story and the kindness of our fellow sister warriors, was that I was carrying so much inside of me, the biggest part being SHAME. It wasn't shame about what happened to me, I was ashamed of how
I felt about it. I had been taught to feel this way. I was not only carrying the trauma of my childhood, I was carrying this intense jumble of feelings and the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was my
feeling ashamed for my feelings.
I had been taught from a young child that my feelings were incorrect, I was to toughen up, swallow everything that was happening and be brave. That even effected me as I posted and processed here on FOO, and it was work to get to a place where I realized what I needed to do all along was validate my own feelings for my own sake, for
myself. That was possible, because as we all shared our stories and worked together, we moved from piece to piece. The others that began this forum were way ahead of where I was on my own journey, but they were so very kind to share what they had already experienced, to back track and help me, even as they were intensely working through their own pathway.
I am in a certification class for work and speakers have come to instruct us. My FOO issue was constant targeted bullying from my older siblings. I have been told " sisters and brothers always fight, it is sibling rivalry" This was of another level, daily and brutal. My home was not safe for me.
We had a bullying workshop and the instructor asked if any of us had been bullied. If I had not done the work here in FOO, I do not think I would have said anything at all, shame, embarrassment, fear of rejection all would have stopped me from commenting. I raised my hand and shared what happened to me as I was growing up. The instructor commented on how sibling bullying is a more recent focus in the field and professionals are studying and writing papers on the damage it causes. I thought that I must have been the only one. No one else shared.
But.....after class, a few of the students came up to me, and spoke about their own experiences.
I wonder if this is the phenomenon that may be occurring here, with CD, that people are hesitant to bring up their FOO issues.
Maybe that is why FOO does not have so much traffic?
Maybe folks are concerned with privacy issues and also that if their FOO ever read the things written here, they would feel awful.
I felt that way about some of my posts, especially when I was angry and went into blurt mode..... but you know what?
It was not about them.
Well you know what I mean, it was and it wasn't.
It is about working through my feelings and figuring out how to become a whole person. It is about finding my value and self worth, knowing that I matter, and striving to become who I am, and embracing that.
That is not a selfish endeavor. It is self searching and healing.
I love my FOO dearly. I am more able to move on from my past, acknowledge and grow from it.
Though this is a public forum and there is concern about being vulnerable, learning to embrace even
vulnerability was part of what I learned on my journey here.
I would encourage everyone to post here in FOO, wherever the memories take you, it is an amazing experience.
In the midst of working through and processing all the feelings that we face while dealing with our gifts from God, if the past keeps coming up, it is most worth our while to acknowledge and review what our minds and bodies are presenting.
If anyone is hesitant to post here, please do not feel that you are not welcome.
Everyone is welcome.
This forum is here for a very good reason.
We are not only working on solutions and support for parents of young children with conduct disorders and adult children with issues.
We are also working on how to be our best selves. As our best selves, we are better parents to our young children, better able to work through the issues that d cs go through, and in turn we go through as well.
Being our best selves helps to break through the cycle of enabling, towards healthy loving detachment.
If one is still hesitant to post on FOO due to privacy concerns, but old feelings resurface, I encourage those to find a therapist to work through the feelings.
Our feelings about our FOO are real and have effected us so much in all we do.
It is very healing and freeing and opens up a whole new perspective on living the rest of our lives.
Sorry it is another "book" post for me.........
Thank you to all those that helped me on my FOO journey.

Welcome Nomad, and anybody else reading along!
Leafy