You are welcome! When you say you just posted to me, what does that mean? I'm so computer illiterate and I have no idea..... Sorry.
Karen
moving on!
- Thread starter standswithcourage
- Start date
You are welcome! When you say you just posted to me, what does that mean? I'm so computer illiterate and I have no idea..... Sorry.
Karen
Standswithcourage, please know that I am reaching within this computer and giving you a big old hug because I have walked in your shoes and I know exactly what you are feeling.
It is very hard. Emotionally draining. The first time I seen my son in jail, I was petrified. I had to wait in this room, with about 50 other people, and it about put me over the edge. I sat there wondering to myself, "What the heck am I doing in here with these people? I don't belong here." After waiting 2 hours, my name was called. I was escorted into this small room with a chair and a glass pane between me and another room. This place stunk, was noisy, and people were laughing (how could they laugh being in a place like this I thought). And then my son appeared, in an orange jumpsuit, looking absolutely filthy. I was NOT prepared for that moment. I started crying -- no, I started bawling. All I remember is picking up the phone on the wall to talk to him, and he just kept promising me things and saying he was sorry.
Of course, I had to get my son out! He didn't belong there. And I did. He came home. Within weeks, he was back to being himself.....lazy, not working, not going to school, stealing from us, shoplifting, drinking, drugs.......just endless.
Arrested again. Calls started coming. I couldn't handle his broken promises. I had the calls blocked. Well, then letters came. Wonderful, tear wrenching letters. Full of promise. Regret from him. Words like, "Mom and dad, you did your best. I messed up. Please believe me, I will change. Please forgive me and give me another chance -- you'll see!" And we did.......
Within weeks, same old story. Shortly after, arrested again. This time for arson. Serious. But not his fault you know! (Right!!) The letters started again, begging for forgiveness.
In between the times he was out, he had to have major lung surgery -- 3 times (they eventually removed 1/4 of his left lung) due to his drug usage. That didn't even wake him up to his life style. Even having a chest tube didn't scare him!! And he also overdosed a few times while he was out requiring hospitalization and even a week in the psychiatric-ward.
This child (now a man) has only been to jail. Even with the arson charges, he was threatened with 80 years of jail, but got out with just a fine. I know he is heading to prison...I have no doubt about that......it is just a matter of time.
But please don't fall for his promises. The promises are only being made to get out. And if he is serious about rehab, he MUST do it -- not you, not your spouse -- he has to do it! I asked my son to get rehab so many times, but it just fell on deaf ears -- unless he was sitting behind bars. But once he got out, the rehab idea went right down the drain.
There is so much I would like to add, but I will close now as this is long enough. But before I do, I felt guilty so many times wondering "What IF this is the time he is truly wanting rehab?" -- but now I've learned it is just a ploy. Unless they really, really want it -- and not just a promise (which will probably be broken) as soon as he is released from them bars.
It is very hard. Emotionally draining. The first time I seen my son in jail, I was petrified. I had to wait in this room, with about 50 other people, and it about put me over the edge. I sat there wondering to myself, "What the heck am I doing in here with these people? I don't belong here." After waiting 2 hours, my name was called. I was escorted into this small room with a chair and a glass pane between me and another room. This place stunk, was noisy, and people were laughing (how could they laugh being in a place like this I thought). And then my son appeared, in an orange jumpsuit, looking absolutely filthy. I was NOT prepared for that moment. I started crying -- no, I started bawling. All I remember is picking up the phone on the wall to talk to him, and he just kept promising me things and saying he was sorry.
Of course, I had to get my son out! He didn't belong there. And I did. He came home. Within weeks, he was back to being himself.....lazy, not working, not going to school, stealing from us, shoplifting, drinking, drugs.......just endless.
Arrested again. Calls started coming. I couldn't handle his broken promises. I had the calls blocked. Well, then letters came. Wonderful, tear wrenching letters. Full of promise. Regret from him. Words like, "Mom and dad, you did your best. I messed up. Please believe me, I will change. Please forgive me and give me another chance -- you'll see!" And we did.......
Within weeks, same old story. Shortly after, arrested again. This time for arson. Serious. But not his fault you know! (Right!!) The letters started again, begging for forgiveness.
In between the times he was out, he had to have major lung surgery -- 3 times (they eventually removed 1/4 of his left lung) due to his drug usage. That didn't even wake him up to his life style. Even having a chest tube didn't scare him!! And he also overdosed a few times while he was out requiring hospitalization and even a week in the psychiatric-ward.
This child (now a man) has only been to jail. Even with the arson charges, he was threatened with 80 years of jail, but got out with just a fine. I know he is heading to prison...I have no doubt about that......it is just a matter of time.
But please don't fall for his promises. The promises are only being made to get out. And if he is serious about rehab, he MUST do it -- not you, not your spouse -- he has to do it! I asked my son to get rehab so many times, but it just fell on deaf ears -- unless he was sitting behind bars. But once he got out, the rehab idea went right down the drain.
There is so much I would like to add, but I will close now as this is long enough. But before I do, I felt guilty so many times wondering "What IF this is the time he is truly wanting rehab?" -- but now I've learned it is just a ploy. Unless they really, really want it -- and not just a promise (which will probably be broken) as soon as he is released from them bars.
I do have to add, Standswithcourage, that in my case, when my son was in jail, it was the only time I could really, really sleep at night. I knew where he was, he was safe, he was drug free, he was getting fed and he was warm. Sad, but true.
When he is out, that is when I can't sleep. Even though him and I are now estranged, and have been for quite some time, I still wake up during the night wondering what he is doing, is he safe? Being estranged does not mean I don't love him and don't worry about him. I still keep tabs on him; I just don't have direct contact with him nor do I want to at this point in my life.
When he is out, that is when I can't sleep. Even though him and I are now estranged, and have been for quite some time, I still wake up during the night wondering what he is doing, is he safe? Being estranged does not mean I don't love him and don't worry about him. I still keep tabs on him; I just don't have direct contact with him nor do I want to at this point in my life.
WhymeMom?
No real answers to life..
Wise words from Karen......this is what I have had to resort to with my son.....Don't know if he has a drug problem or just mentally cannot live within a society with rules he has to follow...he has stopped asking for help and we have stopped offering.....I still think about him.....I too sleep better at night knowing he is in prison.
standswithcourage
New Member
All of you are right. I just wonder what ever went wrong and how it is ever going to be better. I am really having to concentrate hard on myself. I have never (since I have had kids) put myself first - I probably didnt even put God first - my kids came first - their needs always before mine - now that my daughter is married that has changed some but I am always there for her no matter what - my easy child son is pretty independent and easy going but my oldest difficult child has always needed something more - I tried to give it - at school, in the neighborhood, at church, wherever he needed social help I tried to intervene - boy scouts the whole bit - now look at where he is - I wanted so much more for him - I would do anything to help him but i dont know how in my old way of helping - so I have to help in the opposite way that I know how and it has been difficult for me but I realize that I am a valuable person too and I dont want to lose my health or life -
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Susan,
This is one of the strongest, most profound things I have ever heard you say. This is the sort of thing that you must keep thinking, when you feel the pressure to step in and "help" your difficult child.
In my last meeting with my therapist, he told me that I must create an affirmation about something I need to do, and say it over and over to myself until I believe it and can live it.
I think this should be your affirmation:
I am a valuable person
Keep saying it to yourself. Believe it and treat yourself like the valuable person you are. You'll be surprised that when you start to treat yourself well, everyone else around you will follow suit.
Congratulations on taking such a huge step, Susan.Good for you!
Trinity
standswithcourage
New Member
Trinity Thanks! Where did you find that little smiley face thing! I have been looking for those! It makes me happy!
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Our kids must be all cut from the same cloth. Or so many of them at least. The phone calls and letters all begging and pleading with promises of how much they have learned and will forever be changed. Pure manipulative bs. They must pass out manuals to new arrivals in the jails. "How to con your parents into getting your out in 5 easy steps."
standswithcourage
New Member
That is pretty funny! I know - he tells me the most biazarre things. Like all the drugs he has done in there making me think it is worse in there than on the street and I need to get him out. Well I dont think so - it saddens me to think that is where he is - I hate it so much for him - but he is alive and still able to think - I think of that actor that just died - I believe he had a drug problem and it was not accidental just my 2 cents and it makes me think how easy it is to overdose. I dont know if my worry will ever stop but I am tired of having my heart stepped on over and over.
gottaloveem
Active Member
Janet, how funny.
Stands you are doing good. I haven't been around here too much but I was reading the thread to see how things are for you and your son. I'm glad you are going to alanon, that must be helpful.
When Alex was in juvy, I heard the same stuff. So keep up being strong. I bet he wasn't kidding about doing the drugs in jail. He doesn't sound like somebody willing to change yet. I think if he really wanted a better life, he would start taking the steps to make that happen. But you know difficult child's always the hard road.
The best thing you can do now is take care of yourself. Try to enjoy all the other wonderful positive things in your life. The only persons behavior you can change is your own.
Good luck. Stay strong!
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Let me tell you something very scary.
When Cory was in last August before we bailed him out, he was cell mates with some other guys...how many I am not sure. I know two of their names...Derek and Aaron. When they were bailed out Cory stayed in contact with them and saw them at the courthouse various times. One time Cory actually brought Aaron and his girlfriend to OUR house and they were staying in the little barn out back before we realized it. We through a fit and said they had to leave.
This Aaron boy used to have the same case manager as Cory when he was under aged in mental health...lol ...so he obviously had problems.
We recently found out that Aaron snapped or something and shot a guy who lives next door to husband's boss in the mouth at point blank range and killed him! And to think he was right here AT MY HOUSE!!!!!
When Cory was in last August before we bailed him out, he was cell mates with some other guys...how many I am not sure. I know two of their names...Derek and Aaron. When they were bailed out Cory stayed in contact with them and saw them at the courthouse various times. One time Cory actually brought Aaron and his girlfriend to OUR house and they were staying in the little barn out back before we realized it. We through a fit and said they had to leave.
This Aaron boy used to have the same case manager as Cory when he was under aged in mental health...lol ...so he obviously had problems.
We recently found out that Aaron snapped or something and shot a guy who lives next door to husband's boss in the mouth at point blank range and killed him! And to think he was right here AT MY HOUSE!!!!!
That is scary!
standswithcourage
New Member
That is scary. Well the lawyers secretary called today saying they sent the papers to the Drug Court. I believe the solictors office knows it too. They said it would be 3 - 4 weeks longer before they knew anything. So the ministry man called and wants a meeting with me and husband on sunday to talk about options. whatever - I am so nervous about it - I think I am just dreading another result or another decision making time. So I guess you are saying dont bail him out???????
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
I'll give you three guesses, Susan.
meowbunny
New Member
I don't get it. Why is the ministry contacting you? Your son is an adult. Shouldn't they be contacting him? Susan, cancel the appointment! All it's going to do is bring on more pain and hurt to you. Let the ministry work something out with your son, not with you. Don't put yourself in the middle. It's not fair to you, your husband, your son at home.
standswithcourage
New Member
I think he is just wanting to see how we could get him to the Transformation Life Center. He could get him in - it probably costs $300. to get him in and then my son has to pay the rest. He has to be willing to go and now that Drug Court is maybe an option we will see how bad he wants to go to rehab. I hope Drug Court will have aplace for him to live also - he will not be coming home. I cannot stand that again - gettinghim from place to place - my husband took off work just about every day to take him to work - going to the doctor - seeing boys in the neighborhood that he shouldnt be with (why he is where he is), etc. I am not moving because of it - he needs to. Sometimes I just dont know how he will ever have a life of his own. I hope he does someday.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
The thing is...even if another decision is required, it should be up to your difficult child to make that decision. He's 24 years old. There's not a country in the world where a 24-year-old is not considered an adult. He's a fully grown adult with all of the privileges and responsibilities that come with adulthood.
Including...Making. His. Own. Decisions. For good or bad, HE needs to be the one making them.
Just my opinion, but I think that you should instruct the Ministry man to speak directly to your son from now on. Don't accept his calls, cancel the meeting you have and don't schedule another one. If your son's lawyer's office calls, instruct them to contact him directly. Don't accept calls, or do any of the running around on your son's behalf.
Have you noticed that your son still asks you to do things for him and gets miffed when you don't, every time you have contact with him? That's because you're still chasing around trying to clean up your son's mess. Your behaviour is inconsistent, and your difficult child is trying to get you to toe the line.
That's just not acceptable. You need to let go. This isn't about you, or anything you did wrong, or anything you can fix if you just try hard enough. It's about your son, and his bad choices, and the work he is going to have to do to clean up his life. If you don't let go, you're never going to give your son the chance to earn the self respect that comes from doing things for himself.
Your son will either turn his life around or he won't. But that's entirely up to him. The longer you keep doing things for him, the less likely that he will realize he needs to do for himself.
Just like the title of your thread says, Susan, you need to move on.
standswithcourage
New Member
well we went to see the ministry man today. Me and husband. The ministry man said to leave the rascal where he is! He is an Englishman and I love to hear him talk. We had a good visit. He is a Christian and can put my difficult child iin a rehab but he doesnt think he is really ready yet. He is better off staying there until court in case he blew the rehab and was on the street! So, me and husband are going to tell him. Also the ministry man will go visit him again and talk to him. It is no problem for him to get him into rehab but he really has to want to go not just want to be out of jail. He has a recovery Bible that he has been reading - so he says. I cannot believe him one way or another. It becomes almost a numb feeling. I just cannot put up with the craziness in my house any longer. However, I am glad he is still living. There is always hope. We prayed right there in Atlanta Bread Company - I was glad - because others watched.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Well I named that tune in one note WEEKS ago.
I am glad that this ministry guy is seeing your son for the BS-er that he is. I certainly hope that you take his advice and LEAVE HIM THERE. He has to hit bottom before he is ready to seek help. He obviously has not hit bottom yet.
Susan, I may come off as harsh, but you and your boy are in my prayers. Now get yourself to the tattoo parlor and see about that eyeliner.
I am glad that this ministry guy is seeing your son for the BS-er that he is. I certainly hope that you take his advice and LEAVE HIM THERE. He has to hit bottom before he is ready to seek help. He obviously has not hit bottom yet.
Susan, I may come off as harsh, but you and your boy are in my prayers. Now get yourself to the tattoo parlor and see about that eyeliner.
meowbunny
New Member
Susan, when do you stop???? Why do you need to tell your son that he isn't ready for rehab, that he just wants a get out of jail free card? He knows this. Let the ministry man tell him -- it will have more impact coming from him, anyway. Your son will discover he's not as good at conning as he thinks he is.
Step back. Love him. Maybe put a little money in his account to buy the basics, make phone calls and maybe one or two treats. Visit him but be prepared to leave when the manipulations start -- just warn him that will happen. Send him little gifts -- not just those about religion or rehab, but a book he would enjoy, something he could do to occupy himself while in jail.
Don't take on any more burdens about what he needs to do and don't tell him what to do. Let him figure it out himself. It might mean more to him in the long run. Practice comforting phrases and ideas ("I know, dear." "I hope you can find the answer." "I hope you can find someone who can help with this.") Also practice the strong replies ("I'm sorry, I can't help with that." "No, we can't do that." "You need to do this for yourself. We can't do it for you any more.") Who knows, it might even get him off his duff to do something instead of whining to you and making you feel guilty for his bad choices.
You're not deserting him. You're still his mother but he put himself in jail. Let him get himself out. Quit helping for now. He hasn't earned the privilege of you doing extra for him.
Step back. Love him. Maybe put a little money in his account to buy the basics, make phone calls and maybe one or two treats. Visit him but be prepared to leave when the manipulations start -- just warn him that will happen. Send him little gifts -- not just those about religion or rehab, but a book he would enjoy, something he could do to occupy himself while in jail.
Don't take on any more burdens about what he needs to do and don't tell him what to do. Let him figure it out himself. It might mean more to him in the long run. Practice comforting phrases and ideas ("I know, dear." "I hope you can find the answer." "I hope you can find someone who can help with this.") Also practice the strong replies ("I'm sorry, I can't help with that." "No, we can't do that." "You need to do this for yourself. We can't do it for you any more.") Who knows, it might even get him off his duff to do something instead of whining to you and making you feel guilty for his bad choices.
You're not deserting him. You're still his mother but he put himself in jail. Let him get himself out. Quit helping for now. He hasn't earned the privilege of you doing extra for him.
