my 19yr old daughter makes terrible choices and I'm afraid for her safety
- Thread starter aws0107
- Start date
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
We have been right where you are at aws.
One really good piece of advice I got from CD, is to slow....way....down.
We get so tangled up in or d cs lives, it gets to a point, where we don't know if we are coming or going.....
take some time for yourself, read books, find a support group to help you figure things out.
Whatever you do, we will be here for you.
take care
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Well, she ended up at her dad's. It seemed To be working fine until last night. She got enrolled in a local community college and took a part-time job to supplement her full-time one, but is still hanging with losers in the worst neighborhood in town. She "had a bad day" according to her and called in to work. Apparently a friend had stopped by in the morning....not sure why....but she made herself breakfast (already having called onto work) and ultimately skipped class (2nd week, sigh). She called me and said she and her dad got into it and he accused her if skipping work and class to hang out with her crap friends and let them eat his food, etc. It turned into a screaming match and according to her, he said she wasn't welcome there any longer. That was all I knew until the police knocked on my door look for her. They said she called them stating she was being followed and didn't know where she was and hung up when they pressed her for more information (typical angry behavior for her). They came to my place looking for her and asked me to to try to reach her. No answer, but dispatch finally got her and she tells them she didn't call and doesn't need help. Wtf??? The officer proceeds to tell me that she is probably "working" for these guys to get crack. Crack?? Seriously? He asked if there was an underlying mental health issue l I told him yes, untreated bipolar disorder most likely. He did go on to give some helpful advice claiming his mother is the same way, won't take medications etc. But is it bad that I don't even care to have a discussion with her about this? The officer also said she probably won't stop hanging where she does and with who she does until she gets mental health treatment. She's 19 though, and won't listen to reason. I just feel like at this point she isn't going to hear anyone until she gets hurt or desperate or both. He also stated that the girls in this neighborhood don't like others taking their men, and will continue to follow her and harass her until she goes away. I really do wish she pick up and go away. It sounds bad , but I'm close to over it. Any advice??
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Why talk to her about it? Haven't you done that 100 times before? It doesn't work and is not worth your time or aggravation.
The best way to tell if your adult is really going the right way (my daughter did!!!) is to watch who the person hangs around with. My daughter had to and did dump everyone who had anything to do with drugs. She also had to move to a new town and continue not to hook up with drug users. She got a job on her own and did not call in, even though she had no car and had to walk back and forth in Chicago's awful winter. This went on for close to a year before we exhaled. A few days or nice words or momentary intentions do not mean your adult child is going to suddenly turn around. It takes time and a total change in lifestyle. My daughter was very lonely for a long time, but very determined to do this. She even quit cigarettes. She detoxed on her own with her new boyfriend, whom she is still with, helping her, in a basement. Twelve years later she is clean, she gained the weight she lost while using meth, looks healthy, went back to school, has a beautiful baby who she only allows to eat organic food with almost no sugar, and is a responsible citizen.
Words and intentions mean nothing. Actions mean a lot. And you have to wait a long time before you can exhale and say, "I think this time it's for good." And it may not be. Relapses are common. It's a tough fight.
But, sadly, the fact the your daughter is still hanging with trashy friends and calling into work means s he is not ready yet, in spite of her intentions when you spoke with her. And talking accomplishes nothing. Often it just makes your adult kid, who is usually years behind emotionally, rebel and get high again. Just make sure not to enable. My daughter has told me many times that telling her she had to leave and making her have to find ways to survive on her home made her sick to death of drug life, as well as the horrible people she had to associate with.
Today she is awesome at 32.
Your daugher is no ready. When she is, you will know and it will have been going on for quite a while. And she'll dump her trashy friends.
The best way to tell if your adult is really going the right way (my daughter did!!!) is to watch who the person hangs around with. My daughter had to and did dump everyone who had anything to do with drugs. She also had to move to a new town and continue not to hook up with drug users. She got a job on her own and did not call in, even though she had no car and had to walk back and forth in Chicago's awful winter. This went on for close to a year before we exhaled. A few days or nice words or momentary intentions do not mean your adult child is going to suddenly turn around. It takes time and a total change in lifestyle. My daughter was very lonely for a long time, but very determined to do this. She even quit cigarettes. She detoxed on her own with her new boyfriend, whom she is still with, helping her, in a basement. Twelve years later she is clean, she gained the weight she lost while using meth, looks healthy, went back to school, has a beautiful baby who she only allows to eat organic food with almost no sugar, and is a responsible citizen.
Words and intentions mean nothing. Actions mean a lot. And you have to wait a long time before you can exhale and say, "I think this time it's for good." And it may not be. Relapses are common. It's a tough fight.
But, sadly, the fact the your daughter is still hanging with trashy friends and calling into work means s he is not ready yet, in spite of her intentions when you spoke with her. And talking accomplishes nothing. Often it just makes your adult kid, who is usually years behind emotionally, rebel and get high again. Just make sure not to enable. My daughter has told me many times that telling her she had to leave and making her have to find ways to survive on her home made her sick to death of drug life, as well as the horrible people she had to associate with.
Today she is awesome at 32.
Your daugher is no ready. When she is, you will know and it will have been going on for quite a while. And she'll dump her trashy friends.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi aws, it has been awhile since your last post, nice to hear from you again, but sorry for your need to be here and that it is the same old, same old.
Keep posting, it really helps to write this out and get pointers from folks who are on the same road but miles ahead, you know? They have been there, done that. Stay with us aws! check in and let us know how you are doing.
Do something nice for yourself today, I am signing off to go for my walk.....
(((HUGS)))
leafy
No, it is not bad, it is real. It is pretty much what we have all come to, because your words are falling on deaf ears. Our d cs know they are not doing right, making bad choices, they do not want to hear it from us.
Yup, my two are the same.
Keep working at loving detachment, and LIVE your life. I think this is the best thing to do, show by example, what good living looks like. Build yourself up, and do good things for yourself. You can have a list of rehabs ready for when your daughter ASKS for it. I have learned the hard way, suggesting it, doesn't work for someone who cant even admit to having a problem.
Keep posting, it really helps to write this out and get pointers from folks who are on the same road but miles ahead, you know? They have been there, done that. Stay with us aws! check in and let us know how you are doing.
Do something nice for yourself today, I am signing off to go for my walk.....
(((HUGS)))
leafy
TheWalrus
I Am The Walrus
Sometimes I think this is one of the biggest challenges for those who struggle with addiction. Even if they want to change, they keep getting "sucked back in" by their old "friends" (drug buddies). They struggle making new friends or making real change bc they have that reputation of drug use so non-users avoid them to avoid "catching" their reputation. I wish my daughter would move somewhere where she could start over, because I think that is the only way she will have a chance to kick her drug habits for good.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
According to my daughter, this indeed happened. On top of that, some of the people they know are dangerous and threaten them. Many times before she quit, she wanted to quit, but was scared back into using and even selling. She had to leave the state.
BUT....
A determined drug user can and will make druggie friends wherever he/she goes. It takes a determination NOT to hang with those types anymore and can be very lonely as they try to switch to another type of lifestyle. Often, Daughter was lonely. But she was also determined. And she is pig-headed. Nobody was going to suck her back in. However, if she had stayed home, in our house, she would have been surrounded by those who had encouraged and threatened her to use and sell. According to her, and I can't validate if it is right or not, if you use, you sell. She was clean by the time she told us her story, which shocked us--we had no idea she had used so many horrible drugs--we had figured it was mostly pot. Not so.Speed was her thing. ADHD drugs crushed into pillcrushers and snorted with or without cocaine. Ecstacy. Meth. Yes, meth. We hadn't even gone there in our minds, my husband and me.
The drug life is hard to leave. They welcome you with open arms until you make noise about quitting. That's why your adult child is probably not clean if he/she is still hanging with druggie using friends. You are not allowed to co-exist beside them without also using. Plus like attracts like. People who don't use have no interest in users. My daughter is now, as s he calls herself, "a boring housewife and mother." After she had her baby, she quit her job and is nothing like that wild child she used to be. Right now, she takes no drugs and it is even hard to get her to take an Ibuprofen. She is an "all natural" girl as is her boyfriend (only he is not a girl...haha).
The baby eats all sorts of stuff that most little ones don't like....she totally loves veggies and fruit without sugar...it is amazing. They don't allow anyone to smoke in their home. They almost never party or even drink, although they do drink once in a while, but not to get drunk.
I think the drug addict has to be in the state of mind to give up h is lifestyle entirely in order to quit. You are literally changing what you do, who you interact with, and making a decision to join society.
BUT....
A determined drug user can and will make druggie friends wherever he/she goes. It takes a determination NOT to hang with those types anymore and can be very lonely as they try to switch to another type of lifestyle. Often, Daughter was lonely. But she was also determined. And she is pig-headed. Nobody was going to suck her back in. However, if she had stayed home, in our house, she would have been surrounded by those who had encouraged and threatened her to use and sell. According to her, and I can't validate if it is right or not, if you use, you sell. She was clean by the time she told us her story, which shocked us--we had no idea she had used so many horrible drugs--we had figured it was mostly pot. Not so.Speed was her thing. ADHD drugs crushed into pillcrushers and snorted with or without cocaine. Ecstacy. Meth. Yes, meth. We hadn't even gone there in our minds, my husband and me.
The drug life is hard to leave. They welcome you with open arms until you make noise about quitting. That's why your adult child is probably not clean if he/she is still hanging with druggie using friends. You are not allowed to co-exist beside them without also using. Plus like attracts like. People who don't use have no interest in users. My daughter is now, as s he calls herself, "a boring housewife and mother." After she had her baby, she quit her job and is nothing like that wild child she used to be. Right now, she takes no drugs and it is even hard to get her to take an Ibuprofen. She is an "all natural" girl as is her boyfriend (only he is not a girl...haha).
The baby eats all sorts of stuff that most little ones don't like....she totally loves veggies and fruit without sugar...it is amazing. They don't allow anyone to smoke in their home. They almost never party or even drink, although they do drink once in a while, but not to get drunk.
I think the drug addict has to be in the state of mind to give up h is lifestyle entirely in order to quit. You are literally changing what you do, who you interact with, and making a decision to join society.
