My 20 year old son won't move out. HELP!

[Childofmine]

I remember hearing in an Al-Anon meeting one day: "If you're more upset about things than your son is, then something is wrong."

I was always the one upset. He wasn't. Now, he is the one upset and I am much more calm about it all. That is the way it should be.

If HE isn't upset about his life, why should I be? Think about that for a minute in regards to yours.

He has his life, and I have mine. I can't continue to be like a mosquito buzzing around his head (probably a better bug metaphor but I can't think of what it is right now...lol). I would buzz and buzz and buzz. He was just doing his thing.

Now, he is buzzing because I say no. And I believe today, when he starts buzzing enough, maybe he will decide he doesn't like to buzz and change.

(wasn't intending to be humorous but it is a bit humorous isn't it? Buzz, buzz...

 

[Echolette]

I think this attitude, which I share, has helped a lot with my 3 easy child's as well..difficult child's twin, who had an awful adolescence and was pretty much a difficult child herself, and two teenage brothers who are good kids but, uh, TEENAGERS. When I buzz they swat. If I sit back sometimes they gather honey and sometimes they storm around...but as long as I stay out of the way and STOP MY DANG BUZZING...they do better and we do better. I have faith in them that way. One of the few bright spots of having difficult child in my life is that I learned that lesson well and it has benefitted his siblings.

I hope that is a happy thought for the day.

Buzz

Echo

 

[SuZir]

I don't know but are you sure drugs aren't part of some of these stories? I find it questionable that these very functional people suddenly with little warning turned nonfunctional.

That is kind of the key feature in bona fide mental illness. Not so much in mental health problems, but with classic mental illnesses, mainly bipolar (type 1) and schizophrenia. Also dissociative people can function very well, till they don't. There is an onset (and it typically is in young adulthood) and that is when everything changes. At times there may have been earlier signs, at times not. Drugs or alcohol very rarely make such a steep change in a person so quickly. You usually need to drink and drug for years to cause that type of damage to cognitive functions that mental illness can cause in weeks or even days.

Social phobias usually develop more slowly, but are also very disabling (and not uncommon, for example around here the most common reason for people under 30 to get 'the disability retirement.') Many of course try to self medicate mental illness with alcohol or drugs or both (benzos with alcohol for example make havoc very quickly and of course also benzos alone, but that takes bit more time.) Often it is easy to mix the two and think drugs or alcohol are the real problem when they are just symptoms. Which is understandable especially with us parents. Who wouldn't hope that their kid only has an addiction and not anything more serious and chronic?

 

[WaveringFaith]

Buzzzzz buzzzz! I agree with everything said above! I had a moment today with my difficult child that is starting to really make me feel he is manipulating me. He's known that he will need to start paying his own cell phone bill as I told him I would not pay for it. But I made it clear that it's the one thing I wanted him to keep, because should he decide to have a tantrum and leave that I would really need to at least be in contact with him to know he was okay. So he said he didn't know. I told him about that "straight talk" phone plan that walmart offers now, where you can use your current phone and only pay 45/month for a phone and data plan. So, that was the plan we had. I told him to let me know what he decides to do with the phone situation.

Before I left for work this morning, I decided he would no longer have the privilege of using my laptop anymore. Normally he would take it in his room to watch Netflix, listen to music, etc.. But in my new efforts to start detaching and stop enabling, I decided I would change my network password so you couldn't use it anymore. He doesn't contribute to anything around here, aside from the occasional taking trash out.

Well, when I got home after work, I noticed his bedroom door was wide open - which it NEVER is. He always has it closed. Closed from the me, his little brother, the world. But it was open and I peeked in and saw him fast asleep. I thought it was very weird because he never sleeps when he hears me coming near. He is always so alert and defensive, etc.. Well, I walked in to get some dirty dishes that I saw on his desk, when I saw that he had smashed his iphone to smithereens. It was in a million pieces. I could see that he had my laptop on his bed, open, as if he was trying to access it. But since I just changed the PW this morning, it was locked.

And immediately I could picture the scenario.. He tried to use the laptop as he normally would, saw that I had locked him out, and took the one thing that I wanted him to keep.. his phone, and destroyed it and left the pieces for me to see. And left his door wide open to ensure I would walk in.un

And it doesn't end there... The more I tried to call him, I could see he had taken something. he was clearly breathing and moving around on the bed, sleeping soundly, but when I yelled his name in anger, it took him a while to focus on my face and his eyes looked like he was drugged. I noticed his bottle of wellbutrin on the desk, but there weren't any missing, just the few pills left that should be there. I was busy rummaging through his room to find anything he might have taken, but found nothing.

I know I have nothing in my house, because of his dwindling depression, I had gotten rid of any possible dangerous medication long ago. I started to get scared thinking he had left the house while I was at work and gotten a hold of something, so I start shaking him and he kept acting annoyed that I was bothering him and kept trying to cover his head with the blanket. I went and got my water spray bottle and was spraying his face. He just got more annoyed.

So I left him alone. He was clearly not overdosed, but I could not tell what, if anything, he had consumed. So I called my mom and I told her the whole story about the phone, etc.. She said to just leave him alone (if he seemed okay). But as we talked, we both came to the conclusion that he really is manipulating me. He knew that the one thing I was concerned about - was him continuing to have a phone. Since he has threatened to just walk out, thinking I didn't want him there after I tried to use tough love and gave him 2 weeks to find job, apartment. So now he destroys it (out of anger of no longer having access to my laptop) to show me.

My mom both decided that there is absolutely no doubt he is trying to get my attention, having a tantrum, and now destroyed a $400 iphone to spite me, or for whatever reason.

I'm so angry! He's snoring in there and I'm seriously thinking how to get him out of here. He has no plans to refill his wellbutrin, which I could tell from the bottle that he hasn't taken in 3 days. No telling how more out of control he will continue to get not being on any medications at all.

I hate that I have to leave him here in my home, not knowing what things of mine he will rummage through and destroy or take of mine. I will have to take my laptop with me, as I am surprised he didn't destroy THAT in anger.

Ughh!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Once we start to open our eyes, it doesn't take long to figure out who our kids really are. I'm sorry WaveringFaith, it's no picnic for us to see the truth of who they are. Smashing the phone is an aggressive, destructive act and keeping the door opened for you to see "his work" is obnoxious, he wanted to hurt you............and then sleeping on top of everything else is crazy making for sure.

I recall someone else here whose adult child was home all day, insisted they leave the house in the morning when the parent left, in theory to be looking for a job and they couldn't come home until the parent was home from work. I thought that was a good idea. Your son is home alone all day doing nothing, contributing nothing and now has smashed his phone? I would think that constitutes his losing the main privilege he presently has, a roof over his head during the day............. He can walk on over to the public library if looking for a job is too much for him, he can hang at the local park, he can walk all day, he can go to a shelter and try out the beds.........who cares...............just as long as he is OUT OF YOUR HOME FOR THE DAY. You don't have to leave for work worrying about his actions and what he may destroy. Look into other options. Drive him somewhere in the morning and pick him up at night...........I am not a believer in kids being rewarded for bad behavior, I believe there should be consequences for bad behavior.

Once you remove him from your home for the day, you may want to look into what the eviction laws are in your state for the likely eventuality of his permanent eviction. In my state, even if you want to evict your own child from your home, you have to go through the legal system, get paperwork and give notice. Check on that so you know what you're dealing with. You may want to research shelters and other options for your son.

Mental Illness does not give anyone a pass on being responsible for their actions and behavior. While your son is depressed and lacking in motivation, he could be seeking help for himself on SOME level, if he doesn't, there isn't anything you can do except make sure you and your family and your home are safe and protected and faring well. He is the only one responsible for his actions and his life. And, you have a younger boy who is watching how you handle this. He deserves your time and your love...............

 

[BusynMember]

If you want to verify drug use, it's a good idea to check his Facebook, his room (don't forget under the mattress and in every nook and cranny there) and...well, you can't check his cell phone, I guess...lol. Not funny, but ya halfta laff or ya cry.

That's how I found out my daughter was using drugs. I didn't think she was, and her therapist had mentioned bipolar to explain her moodswings, but I had a hunch something more was up. We found her drug toys so we knew. Most of the time, these lazy, entitled adult kids are doing some sort of drug. They may also have mental illnesses, however BOTH problems have to be solved by THEM. Your son is coherant enough to figure out how to "play" you a good one. His mind is functioning ok.

The majority of us have been through this disaster and, of course, anger and heartache. It is really maddening when we look back and realize how much we have been manipulated.

Check your money. Better yet, lock it up.

Hugs for the hurt and pain you are experiencing. Time to take good care of YOURSELF and to enjoy your loved ones and friends who appreciate all your wonderful, caring qualities. It's up to difficult child to get his life back on track; you can't do anything about it. Regardless of whether he is a drug user, depressed, both or none...he is the one who has to get his life back on track and I agree with RE that what he did was vile and meant to wound you. Yes, make sure he is driven to the library every day while you're at work if you don't want to make him leave. I wouldn't trust him at home at all.

 

[WaveringFaith]

Thank you Recovering & MWM for chiming in so quickly. As devastated that I am, and heartbroken that my child would want to hurt me so, I'm glad this happened. It took this to get me to clear the cobwebs from my eyes. I will need to begin looking very seriously at options for removing him from my home. In my mind, I still am making unconscious excuses, like the recent freezing temps, etc.. But he brought this on himself. I will not have someone so destructive in my home. I am starting to believe that perhaps there has been drugs involved all along, I was just so blind to it, not wanting to believe.

My mom seems to think that he has his own psychological war going on in his mind and in his efforts to detach himself from me, he is wanting to do everything he can for me to throw him out. I wouldn't doubt there's a little bit of that in there too. I still believe he has a major mental problem, not able to be around other people, extreme social phobia, and perhaps that is why I always felt so terrible for him. How would he ever be able to find/hold down a job, if he can't even stand being around other human beings? How would he have money to eat, find a warm home? But these are the thoughts that would replay in my mind over and over again, and that is why this has lasted this long.

I agree that he shouldn't be allowed in my home when i'm at work all day. I might need to make him go with me, so I can drop him off somewhere during the day. He has brought this on himself. It would at least give me peace of mind that I wouldn't have to worry each afternoon what I would find at home when I open the door.

Thank you so much. I know you've been there and have the experience to support your advice, which is why I value it so much. It just hurts so very much to come to this realization. But better sooner rather than later.

Hugs to you!!

 

[BusynMember]

Most of our kids have co-morbid mental illness besides using drugs. In fact it is very common for the mentally ill to self-medicate. However, being mentally ill is no excuse for being cruel, violent or criminal. He is not so mentally ill that he is out of touch with reality. He knows what he is doing. Also, sometimes it is hard or impossible to seperate the two. My daughter acted bipolar while using drugs so she got the diagnosis. She has been clean for years now and is clearly not bipolar or even mentally unstable. It was the drugs that made her seem that way. That may not be the case with your son, but it isn't that uncommon.

Most of us have one defining moment when we can no longer deny what our kids are doing. It is then that we finally have to make tough decisions about what to do about it.

Hugs!!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

WaveringFaith, the hardest thing for us is to allow ourselves to know exactly who our kids are. I know the heartbreak you feel now, but at the same time it's freeing.

I think perhaps I may hold the record for believing in my daughter long after the truth was obvious to everyone else. I gave her every chance for years to change, thinking it was because of her husbands suicide that she was acting so badly............because of her in-laws blaming her for the suicide...........because of obvious signs of some kind of mental illness or conduct disorder............because she lost her job...........because her kids were taken from her..................on and on it went, with me just not willing to see what the truth was.................don't do that WaveringFaith............it will just keep you stuck in this hamster wheel of enabling, giving in, making excuses for his behavior...............all the while, he manipulates you and NOTHING changes.

You must change and then if he is going to change at all, that will be his chance. But you must be the one to let go, take action, make changes......................often our kids are living a rather cushy life at our expense, and at our expense on every level. Keep your eyes wide opened.

I am glad this happened too, it often takes something very blatant for us to come out of the darkness and see the truth. Along the way make sure you get lots of support and be very, very kind to yourself. This is very difficult for us and we need all the help we can get and all the kindness and care we can allow ourselves. Amp up your self care and surround yourself with compassionate, non judgmental people who have your back and can listen to you and support your choices. Sending hugs........

 

[Echolette]

Wavering,
I used to make my son leave the house when I left, and not come home till after I got home. Once he was in for the evening he wasn't allowed out again. I definitely felt safer and better that way...safer in that I knew he wouldn't take stuff/break stuff/let friends in (he never actually did that but I was afraid he would), take advantage of me (eat all the food, leave a mess, use my computer). Better in that I started to really resent him lying around, watching TV, eating, and funking up the house with his poor hygiene while I was out working, shopping, doing errands, whatever. If I couldn't stay home and relax then he shouldn't be able to either (after a while).
At first he was pretty good about it. Then he started making the mornings really unpleasant...had to wake him three/four/five times. I too used water to wake him. Made me late, etc. It was really unpleasant, but better than the alternatives. Eventually he just didn't come home one evening, and that finished that era. I don't remember which era we entered after that.

Yucky variations on that theme: We have a small nanny suite with a bathroom. I had a locksmith put a deadbolt lock on the door (very fire-unsafe, and perhaps against code). I let him stay there sometimes for brief respites from the street...and I locked him in when I went to bed and let him out in the morning. That didn't last long, but again, better than having him wandering the house at night (I should note he never scared me or hurt me or anyone else at night, but he did rifle through stuff, use computers, eat and leave food around, and once or twice left the house and left the front door open...we live downtown in a major city.).

Our house used to be a duplex and has a joint entryway...you can lock the door between the entry and the main part of the house. For a while when he was really a mess, using all the time, unmedicated disaster...we gave him a pillow and blanket and let him sleep in the foyer. At least he couldn't get into the house. My then-middle school aged younger boys had to step over him to get out in the morning to go to school. That was not great for them, or us...and yet, at the time...we did what we felt we had to do as we always did.

Even as I write this I can't believe it took me so long to detach. Wow. I let him put us through a lot of awful.

Anyway...of all those options the one that worked best was..I'm out of the house you are out of the house. You can tell him that his behavior is sketchy and you feel uncomfortable. Those are two poses you don't have to defend.

Good luck to you.

I'm glad he is showing his colors clearly to you now....I hope you don't let him drag things out the way I did...they way maybe I still do (although difficult child hasn't lived at home now since September, when I let him come home briefly after his first, 4 night stint in jail--I say briefly but actually I would have let him stay. He came home and packed his stuff and left at 10 one night because I had a curfew for him. Hasn't been home since. He did go back to jail for a month...I paid his resitution for smashing someone's tv (it was an accident mom I knocked it over) and for stealing from the gap (I didn't have any pants that fit, mom!)...and when he was released --after he had called me every day 5 x/ day, I had put money on his books for phone calls, socks and underwear...he said "its a holiday mom I just want to be with my friends")). I haven't spoken to him since. I have seen him on the streets from time to time, begging. That is my boy. All the bending over backwards for him in the world didn't prevent that.

Hugs to you today. YOu are engaged in a difficult struggle of self-awareness, growth, realization, and the brutal fact that a kind of yucky guy is camped out in your house and not so easy to get rid of. I've been there. We've all been there. Keep posting, we will hold your hand and hug you as you do with us.

Echo

 

[WaveringFaith]

Amen!!!

 

[A dad]

Everything can be a drug even video games and well there is your drug. I hate that basically everything can be a addiction.