My 20 yr old clinically depressed son refuses help

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WaveringFaith, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Ander. I dobt know who you are or if you have kids, but you cant love a child to wellness, especially a mentally ill adult that wont get professional help.

    I have suffered depression badly most of my young years but I kept trying hard to help myself. Love does not cure clinical depression. Getting the right intervention medically helps. I'm in a good place today because I accepted help. And worked hard to change my negative thinking. it does require time and effort and desire to become well.

    If people don't come to this forum, but seek out professionals, they will also be told that we can not legally do anything to force a mentally ill person to get help and likely we will be told that we can't do anything to force it. So we love them still, but it is only one person who can help anyone...the person himself. So we dont continue involvement in the outcome. It has nothing to do with us.

    Nobody can give up or not give up on somebody else. It us impossible. Giving up is strictly on the sick person. Only they can either stop trying or forge ahead, Others dont have the ability to give up on somebody else...this is like saying we can force somebody else to lose weight. Sometimes the more we nag, the less they do. Only they decide whether to give up or try.

    it appears to me that perhaps, and this is common, that you may not understand clinical depression. At all. It is a medical chemical difference in the brain requiring medical attention. It takes hard work to get better and a willingness to seek out appropriate help. Therefore outsiders, such as parents, do not have control. The depressed person is in control and Id back off too if a grown child of mine refused to get medical help for a medical brain disorder.

    Depression is not a willful state of sadness. It is a treatable illness. Ander, I dont believe you understand thst these are ADULT children or that depression is not simple. I hope you never have to learn about it.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2016
  2. Tyler

    Tyler New Member

    I feel I am qualified to answer this question after having been through the psychiatric run-around for the last 7 years, been in inpatient over 15 times, and have been on every single drug that has come on the market. Now I'm drug free and better than ever.

    The advice given to OP on this thread is downright dangerous, both to her and to her son. People with major depression need serious help. Thinking it is a life choice is beyond ignorance. Thinking that being hard on them will make them wake up and suddenly get better is one of the most incompetent things I have ever heard. Here we have a case of the stupid leading the beggars. You can't always take the advice of others, because like most things in life, you get what you pay for (free advice = dogshit).

    Clinical depression makes a person not want something. They are dead inside. To the person who said the OP's son is doing these things because he "wants to" needs to never post here again. The chemical imbalance theory is just that: a theory. In my mind, it is the biggest crock of :censored2: to hit the mental health world, right up there with frontal lobotomies. Drugs are handed out like candy when what we really need is to get down to the basics. I'm going to tell you what they are:

    1. Everybody is different. Some people have strengths others don't have, and everyone has a different personality. Some people are far more intelligent than the rest of the population, and others are borderline retarded. Thinking pills are going to help everyone is ridiculous. The human brain is so complex we cannot even begin to understand it, yet we have doctors who make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year (pushing pills) who believe they are the authority on the subject. How asinine. The worst are the forum posters who think they know something they don't, and routinely give bad advice from their soap box. News flash, nobody gives a :censored2: what you have to say, so stop saying it.
    2. Clinical depression is, more likely than not for your son, a broken soul. He is either in a toxic environment, around toxic people, or has given up from being in a state of despair and hopelessness at something going on in his life. One does not just shut down without some sort of event taking place. We can train rats to become hopeless through regular torture. Does that mean they suddenly acquire a chemical imbalance? There is much more to depression than what pharma and quacksters would have you believe. I would be willing to bet that your child is highly intelligent, if not gifted.
    3. The last thing a person with this level of crippling depression needs is someone abandoning him. Being hard on him will make him feel even worse. Have you not figured out by now that he is unable to just snap out of it? Why don't you take a problem solving approach and figure out what is wrong with him.

    Oh wait, you already do. He feels like his life is over. He has given up. Do you really think being tough on him to get his act together will solve anything? Will that suddenly make him realize life again? Do you see how that doesn't make any sense at all?

    Why don't you sit down with him for 10 minutes and ask him what is REALLY on his mind. Chances are he'll be too depressed to talk about it. People with this level of pain need to have others around them that recognize what they are going through. Sometimes you need someone to see how bad you look, rather than have someone continuously ask you how you feel. It's black and white.

    Chances are he's broken and going through an identity crisis. His mind is shutting down due to complete inability to figure out himself or where is place in the world is. Do you think beating him down further will solve the problem? Do you think stressing him out over what he's going to do with his life will solve anything? Maybe all he needs is another 6 months to a year to chill the :censored2: out, become stress free, and then figure out what it is that he wants to do.

    Had I taken the well needed 6 month to 1 year break that I needed, I wouldn't be in the position that I am in today. Instead, I listened to the "professionals" and my family tell me what they think they know. Bottom line is the drugs don't work, and he's right not to take them. Nobody in their right mind would. I wish I NEVER went down that path, and trusted my gut. My gut was telling me I needed to calm down, and the world kept pressuring me to do things I did not want to do. I eventually snapped (as any sane person would).

    Had I listened to myself and wallowed around for a year, I would have rested, recharged, and eventually made it out of there, ready to take on the world.

    Sometimes all we need is a recharge. You throwing him the hell out is setting him up for years of abuse. Why don't you be a good :censored2:ing parent and treat your son as you would want to be treated in that situation, and treat your son with the love, respect, and kindness that he deserves? If I had a child I would be there for my son. This "tough love" crap comes from parents who are either too ignorant or too incompetent to do things the right way. Me, me, me, me, me. The level of narcissism from parents who are supposed to be there for their children is astounding. Baby boomers need to really get the :censored2: out of the way.

    I would go into debt for my son. I would kill or be killed for my son. Where are all these "great" parents coming from who are ready to throw their child out on the street? You said it yourself, he was a VERY good kid. Why are you abandoning him all of a sudden? He falls from grace and you feed him to the wolves. It wasn't like he was a :censored2: bag that didn't get his act together. Why don't you try listening to him and stop force feeding him this stupid medication. People like you make me sick.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2016
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Tyler, and welcome to the forum.

    We welcome all points of view here that are respectful of all views. You make some good points in your post.

    Please take a look at our guidelines:

    Every situation is different. We are all speaking from experience, and all of our experiences are different, and all have been very hard, and we've learned tough lessons over many years.

    Our position is this: we offer support, encouragement and ideas/advice/options. Every person has the option to "take what they like and leave the rest." We realize every experience doesn't fit every situation, but we all look for truth in each person's experience and try to apply that truth, if applicable, to our own experience.

    Being respectful of all views will go a long way on this forum. We welcome you and respect your experience.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Tyler, you are obviously young. Probably no kids or young kids. I have grown kids and have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. I know that even if you spend very dime on an adult child, and many of us have, and if that child wont get help, the money won't do any good. Depression is not just about needing a time out, I wish!! If it is clinical depression usually it requires medical attention and depression has been proven to get worse with inactivity.

    I've been in three psychiatric hospitals and you are not allowed to lay around BECAUSE it makes you worse. You must dress in street clothes, participate in activities and therapy and socialize. Your entire day is planned. I am much better now, but I had to do the hard work. Parents cant make depression go away, but they can push their adult kids to get help or to find their paths on their own. Mine did. I am grateful.

    Please dont diagnose us. You probably are not a professional capable of spotting narcissism. Yes, I known this is the new word for " person whom I feel is not doing it my way," The word will be gone in five years, replaced by another one.

    We are all loving parents who are doing our best. Our children are adults. You cant parent a 23 year old the same as an 8 year old. Many of our adult kids are drug users and criminals. Many have been in apartments and rehabs on our dogs mes with no results. At some point we have to pull back and let them do it. whether you think so or not. That is thrle afvice ptofesdionals give. Are they slso N. because you don like what they advise?

    As for listening, we do. Often it feels like they dont listen back. A conversation is two ways.

    Anyhow, just know nothing about us or what we have been through or what we have done for our adult children. Have a good day and post again but please try not to name call. We dont do that here.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Better said we are humans also we all understand that sometimes they need time to get the will to help themselves and it happens but sometime we are the crutch that keeps them that way and the best way is to remove the crutch. Do not forget depressed people do not want to get help and in USA there is no such thing as forced treatment if you are out of North America there is such a thing but most parents on this forum really have little choices.
  6. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    Who the heck are these 2 ppl? Trolls? How dare someone, who is not even a parent, come on here and judge. People like us make you sick? Wow. Unless you've walked in someone's shoes, go away with this cr*p.

    The 1st quote on this (my) comment, is from WaveringFaith. Her very 1st CD post (not the one above) is how, months ago, I found this site, after a google search.

    Since 'Thissiteishopeless' and 'Tyler' have resurrected it, I noticed that Wavering hasn't posted since the day (9/2014) she started her last thread, which is quoted above.

    Her comment above, and the ones to follow on that same day, is one that very much concerns me. She was talking of her suicidal son, 2 states away...and then she never posted again after that night. I truly hope that he is ok and that she is ok. I have messaged her to reach out. But, it is worrisome to me, that she posts this ^^^^ and then never again.

    Tyler's critical and judgmental comment gave me a sick feeling. Ugh. Hopefully WaveringFaith will not read it.

    If anybody talks to her or knows her, please touch base here with an update?
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    probably the same person.
  8. debra mcpherson

    debra mcpherson New Member

    Hi there my name is Debra it sounds like I'm reading the same thing about my son it's uncanny and very frustrating. How are things now with your son.
  9. Frustratedmom

    Frustratedmom New Member

    I have a very similar situation with a son about the same age. I just joined and can't find the start a thread button on my phone. Reading these comments helps me feel that others might understand what I have -and am going through.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Press thank you he new thread button. This is an old yhread. You will get a better welcome if you post your own.
  11. Frustratedmom

    Frustratedmom New Member

    Thanks for responding, but I don't see how to start a thread.
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If you are reading this, scroll up to the top and Click on Parent Emeritus... From there you should see Post New to the right at the top...

    Hope this helps. KSM
  13. Frustratedmom

    Frustratedmom New Member