My 20 yr old clinically depressed son refuses help

[lauraasheville]

Thank you so much. I was trying to start a new thread last night but kept just seeing current ones and maybe cause it was late and I am using my phone screen, I couldn't figure it out.
I was looking at apt shares for her back in her college town as it would solve me guaranteeing a lease and she could have a base for a job. We talked last night and she has today to finish a coffee shop applic for here and we agreed she would practice driving 4 days/week. Who knows. Like you, I am an admin asst too in marketing, so act happy then also think back to this easy kid and how lucky I thought I was with a kid who entertained herself so well. Now I realize that maybe it was all signs of depression and I didn't see it. Such a smart girl and so lost. As I read your words and am writing mine, like you, tears start pouring down. I honk of my "18" and because I didn't want to be home I was socializing and with girlfriends. And here she is, content to be home because it's serene and easy, and it's the worst thing for her. I am trying to live my life and formed a meetup group for women, joined a newcomers club, and met someone who is long distance but we see each other every 3-4 wks.
Our children have no clue how our hearts break for them and it's ironic that kids who have "bad" childhoods often end up more independent and healthier adults whereas kids who get too much of us "helping" without realizing it end up cosseted and have a much harder time. I will try to repost original in new thread. Thanks again for taking the time to respond and I wish you peace and that your son finds his way. Laura

yes, it's ironic that everyone kept telling me that i'd really have a problem with empty nest etc since it's mostly been the two of us. and then, she leaves, and I'm having this great year; i loved my privacy, i met someone new, and of course i am thinking my daughter is a poster child for college and that finally she's found her place, based on her texts, her visits, her stories. ha.
she did send in her local coffee shop job applic and is also looking at apt shares in the college town. day by day. i'm going to try to start a new thread since I have my laptop and a bigger screen to work with. thanks again for your very kind and understanding words. laura

 

[halfquarter]

Depression is an awful illness. My son has suffered with this since he was a teenager. I tried to help but, with hindsight, I wasn't helping at all. I know you think you are doing the best thing for him by taking care of him practically so that he doesn't need to do anything for himself. I was the same as you, it's a normal reponse from a mother to look after and protect her child.

But your child is no longer a child, just like mine, he's a grown man. If you weren't there to see to him then he wouldn't have a room to hide away in, not needing to even find food for himself. He would have to go out into the world and find a way to survive. The worst thing for depression is to sit in a room isolated from reality. I know this sounds harsh, but you know that it is true. All the things you have tried to do for him so far have not made him better. Maybe they have made him worse. I made my son worse by trying to solve all his problems. He had to find his own way in life and I was just getting in his way. My son is not great now, he is homeless and peniless because he just can't cope with living a 'normal' life and conforming to society's expectations. But he seems well mentally and he is managing and seems happy and I have accepted his choice to live like that, without supporting it or interfering, but just loving him as he is. You have to let your son find his own way, and that includes finding his own way out of this depression. He needs to get out of his room and get moving and you need to stop doing anything for him, because then you will be actually doing a whole lot for him.

Hello, I am hoping to get some advice as I am at my wit's end and in a state of depression myself over this. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My 20 yr old became severely depressed about two years ago when he left for college. He did not do well in classes and we could all tell something was not right. One day he completely disappeared, leaving phone and identification behind. He was gone for 2 days on the streets of Philadephia. We made missing person posters and he was even on the local news as a missing college student. I thought I would die from worrying and of course thought the worst. He finally showed up, disheveled and dirty from living on the streets. He never, to this day, explained where he went or why he took off.

That was almost 2 years ago, when we realized the extent of his depression. He came home to live with me and his 10 yr old little brother (I'm a single mother). We thought taking a break from school and being with me and his family (we are all very close) would help. He stayed with me for 6 months. In that time, we saw a therapist and was prescribed prozac. He ended up throwing them away as he didn't want to depend on "big pharma". He seemed to get better (or acted like it) and said he was ready to go back to Philadelphia. I should add his dad's family lives there, he was living with them. In the next 6-8 months he deterierated even worse. He would call occasionally and he sounded so defeated. I begged him to come home and he would not.

Fast forward a few more months, I get a call from his dad that he is admitting him into a mental rehab clinic because he tried to end his life by taking a bottle of pills. I was absolutely besides myself. My son later said he was not trying to kill himself, he was just "being stupid" and to his credit, he did call his dad for help after he had taken them. In a strange way, i was relieved because I thought this was just a cry for help.

He only ended up staying in the clinic for 3 days, he was able to just sign himself out by saying he was better and agreeing to take anti-depressants they gave him. Of course he was not better. I made plans to fly him home here with me and he's been with me now since August of 2013. It has been a living nightmare. He's tried a therapist, different anti-depressants, never sticks with them for even 4 weeks, says he can't be around people, hates to even be around me and his little brother, which he hates feeling that way, he has told me that he has given up completely on life, that this is it. He refuses to go back to the therapist, he had a great job lined up that an uncle was able to find for him and all he had to do was show up for a 4 hr safety training, and he couldn't do it. He had to walk out because he said he couldn't handle it.

My parents brought him a paid off car, he got insurance which I paid the first month's premium and he agreed to begin taking care of it when he starts work. Now he refuses to even go back to the employer to try again. They are calling and calling him and he will not answer them. He says he would have failed anyway. I was at my wit's end and at the advice of my family and friends decided to try tough love (which I never have). I was always catering to his sensitive mental state and feared pushing him over the edge. But I had to try it, I've tried loving and supporting and beint patient and ignoring, hoping he would snap out of it and want to start treatment again. So I finally just told him that he had 2 weeks to find a job and an apartment of his own. This job would pay for more than enough for him to care for himself - he just needed to go to it! He was already hired.

Unfortunately he took it as me wanting him to just not be there anymore. I tried to tell him that I love him so much and I'm trying everything to motivate him. I have a younger son and I'm losing my mind and angry and crying all the time over my older son's mental state. So now he's saying he'll be out tomorrow. He has no plan, no means to care for himself, it was 28 degrees here yesterday, I took the keys to his car away and hid them fearing he would take off. I know he plans to just go away and who knows what. He said his life is over, he doesn't see the point of anything anymore.

What can I do?! Am I supposed to sit ouside his bedroom door like a jailor and make sure he doesn't escape? I have a full-time job and a little boy that needs me to keep it together. This has devastated my entire family, as this is a completely different child that we all knew. He was always the most popular outgoing kid in school, now he talks to no one, never keeps in touch with old friends, is in his room day and night, doesn't shower or eat anymore. He is like an invalid living in my home. I feel like God is punishing me for something I don't know.

Hello, I am hoping to get some advice as I am at my wit's end and in a state of depression myself over this. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My 20 yr old became severely depressed about two years ago when he left for college. He did not do well in classes and we could all tell something was not right. One day he completely disappeared, leaving phone and identification behind. He was gone for 2 days on the streets of Philadephia. We made missing person posters and he was even on the local news as a missing college student. I thought I would die from worrying and of course thought the worst. He finally showed up, disheveled and dirty from living on the streets. He never, to this day, explained where he went or why he took off.

That was almost 2 years ago, when we realized the extent of his depression. He came home to live with me and his 10 yr old little brother (I'm a single mother). We thought taking a break from school and being with me and his family (we are all very close) would help. He stayed with me for 6 months. In that time, we saw a therapist and was prescribed prozac. He ended up throwing them away as he didn't want to depend on "big pharma". He seemed to get better (or acted like it) and said he was ready to go back to Philadelphia. I should add his dad's family lives there, he was living with them. In the next 6-8 months he deterierated even worse. He would call occasionally and he sounded so defeated. I begged him to come home and he would not.

Fast forward a few more months, I get a call from his dad that he is admitting him into a mental rehab clinic because he tried to end his life by taking a bottle of pills. I was absolutely besides myself. My son later said he was not trying to kill himself, he was just "being stupid" and to his credit, he did call his dad for help after he had taken them. In a strange way, i was relieved because I thought this was just a cry for help.

He only ended up staying in the clinic for 3 days, he was able to just sign himself out by saying he was better and agreeing to take anti-depressants they gave him. Of course he was not better. I made plans to fly him home here with me and he's been with me now since August of 2013. It has been a living nightmare. He's tried a therapist, different anti-depressants, never sticks with them for even 4 weeks, says he can't be around people, hates to even be around me and his little brother, which he hates feeling that way, he has told me that he has given up completely on life, that this is it. He refuses to go back to the therapist, he had a great job lined up that an uncle was able to find for him and all he had to do was show up for a 4 hr safety training, and he couldn't do it. He had to walk out because he said he couldn't handle it.

My parents brought him a paid off car, he got insurance which I paid the first month's premium and he agreed to begin taking care of it when he starts work. Now he refuses to even go back to the employer to try again. They are calling and calling him and he will not answer them. He says he would have failed anyway. I was at my wit's end and at the advice of my family and friends decided to try tough love (which I never have). I was always catering to his sensitive mental state and feared pushing him over the edge. But I had to try it, I've tried loving and supporting and beint patient and ignoring, hoping he would snap out of it and want to start treatment again. So I finally just told him that he had 2 weeks to find a job and an apartment of his own. This job would pay for more than enough for him to care for himself - he just needed to go to it! He was already hired.

Unfortunately he took it as me wanting him to just not be there anymore. I tried to tell him that I love him so much and I'm trying everything to motivate him. I have a younger son and I'm losing my mind and angry and crying all the time over my older son's mental state. So now he's saying he'll be out tomorrow. He has no plan, no means to care for himself, it was 28 degrees here yesterday, I took the keys to his car away and hid them fearing he would take off. I know he plans to just go away and who knows what. He said his life is over, he doesn't see the point of anything anymore.

What can I do?! Am I supposed to sit ouside his bedroom door like a jailor and make sure he doesn't escape? I have a full-time job and a little boy that needs me to keep it together. This has devastated my entire family, as this is a completely different child that we all knew. He was always the most popular outgoing kid in school, now he talks to no one, never keeps in touch with old friends, is in his room day and night, doesn't shower or eat anymore. He is like an invalid living in my home. I feel like God is punishing me for something I don't know.

 

[halfquarter]

Thank you for your post as I feel you are living my life. My son is 18 and sits in his room all day and can barely get out of bed for school. He says he is mentally ill with depression but won't take medicine. I cant kick him out and if I do, he will be on the streets and die. I can't do this to my son, but my family and I cannot live like this anymore. Our family is completely broken, and my husbands job is at stake and so is mine. My son says his life is over.

My son is self loathing and told me that the worst thing I did in life was to give birth to him. He says hes ugly, a loser, and hates himself. He is obsessed with his complexion and his height. He is 5'10" and not short, and very good looking.
He started college at a local community college and now at the end of the semester he says he can't do it (finish). He was getting straight As. My daughter who is 13 is suffering, my husband is depressed and I am taking Ativan to sleep. I have nightmares every night and I wish I could fix this and help him. He has no friends, and is lonely. He wants help, but is afraid of the medication. I think we need to send him somewhere for help but don't know where. He has been to 25 psychologists/therapists in the past and it has not helped. My heart is broken.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.

First of all you answered an old thread and you'll get more of a response if you start a new one of your own. People will not know that somebody new is here. Click on top on "new topic" and started!!! It's nice to have you here, although I'm sorry you felt the need to come...

The short answer is, you can't do anything for an eighteen year old and there is nowhere to send him. If he is a danger to himself or others, you can call 911 and he could be admitted for observation in a psychiatric hospital. It is rarely a long term stay.

By eighteen, we have no legal rights to our children. All you can do is hope he decides to get help because, since he is mentally ill, only HE can take care of his illness and make himself better. I hope he isn't using drugs too.

Sounds like your whole family could use help and therapy. I recommend you and your husband go for serious help and the younger daughter too. You can not make your eighteen year old son go, but it would be helpful to him if he would. You can take are of yourself, but you can't control eighteen year old. You can't make him happy either. I have endured a lifetime of fighting depression, but I went for help early on and take very good care of myself. I was in bad shape. If I did it, your son can do, but he needs to do it himself, like I did. Nobody will accept a parental call about an eighteen year old. By that age, he has to want to get better and get the help for it. Otherwise, he is choosing to stay sick. It takes more than just medication to help people prone to clinical depression, but t is highly treatable for those who get treatment.

Sounds like you could ALL stand to see psychiatarists and get evaluated. If you are depressed and anxious, you will not be any good for anyone, including yourself and you matter too. Nobody can help a legal adult except the legal adult helping himself/herself. But there is lots of hope if you individually seek out good treatment! Try a psychiatrist, not a therapist or even a psychologist. Therapists and psychologists can not diagnose correctly...they don't have the training. They can't medicate either and the rest of you may need antidepressants. Even if 18 won't take medications, that doesn't mean you, your husband and daughter should follow his destructive lead. Maybe your example of getting help will motivate him. Either way, it is all on him now. Eighteen is the magic number where we no longer have any authority. Was your son always this way? Do you suspect drug use? Has he always had problems?

 

[BusynMember]

If ur son is not abusing drugs and is compliant with treatment I would allow him to heal. I had agoraphobia and it's treatable. He may need to be forced to work at least part time. If any of my grown kids were mentally ill but respectful and law abiding I personally would let them stay...as long as they tried hard. Most of us don't put our kids out unless they are dangerous to themselves or others and being disrespectful and refusing to try. Assault and substance abuse are the usual reasons. Only u know if that is going on. If so then there is really no option but to put him out or be abused. If he is just sick and is trying to get better, I wouldn't make him leave. Only u knowhow full story. One thing I'd do is insist on a job and household chores to push him along.
U may want to start a new post. This is an old one.

 

[Lil]

Push him out and let him fend for himself.

I think that most people here say "tough love" for those kids who are out of control as opposed to depressed or mentally ill, but willing to work, compliant with medication and generally good kids that need help.

My kid disrespected up, stole from us, smoked pot in the house. Does he have problems? I'm sure he does. But we can't be expected to continue to support a kid who steals from us and refuses to do anything to help himself.

Please, start your own thread and let us know what's going on. Give some background and I'm sure there are those here who will be happy to give you advice, or just lend a sympathetic ear.

 

[brken hearted in chicago]

Wow, I didn't expect to get feedback so quickly. I didn't mean to offend, when I spoke of "tough love". You and others have given excellent feedback, and I will consider options I hadn't thought of. Im not kicking hi out, he has done nothing to deserve that. But, he could start doing some chores. I will continue to research, and all input is appreciated. Thank you so much.

 

[LauraLee]

Hello, I am hoping to get some advice as I am at my wit's end and in a state of depression myself over this. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My 20 yr old became severely depressed about two years ago when he left for college. He did not do well in classes and we could all tell something was not right. One day he completely disappeared, leaving phone and identification behind. He was gone for 2 days on the streets of Philadephia. We made missing person posters and he was even on the local news as a missing college student. I thought I would die from worrying and of course thought the worst. He finally showed up, disheveled and dirty from living on the streets. He never, to this day, explained where he went or why he took off.

That was almost 2 years ago, when we realized the extent of his depression. He came home to live with me and his 10 yr old little brother (I'm a single mother). We thought taking a break from school and being with me and his family (we are all very close) would help. He stayed with me for 6 months. In that time, we saw a therapist and was prescribed prozac. He ended up throwing them away as he didn't want to depend on "big pharma". He seemed to get better (or acted like it) and said he was ready to go back to Philadelphia. I should add his dad's family lives there, he was living with them. In the next 6-8 months he deterierated even worse. He would call occasionally and he sounded so defeated. I begged him to come home and he would not.

Fast forward a few more months, I get a call from his dad that he is admitting him into a mental rehab clinic because he tried to end his life by taking a bottle of pills. I was absolutely besides myself. My son later said he was not trying to kill himself, he was just "being stupid" and to his credit, he did call his dad for help after he had taken them. In a strange way, i was relieved because I thought this was just a cry for help.

He only ended up staying in the clinic for 3 days, he was able to just sign himself out by saying he was better and agreeing to take anti-depressants they gave him. Of course he was not better. I made plans to fly him home here with me and he's been with me now since August of 2013. It has been a living nightmare. He's tried a therapist, different anti-depressants, never sticks with them for even 4 weeks, says he can't be around people, hates to even be around me and his little brother, which he hates feeling that way, he has told me that he has given up completely on life, that this is it. He refuses to go back to the therapist, he had a great job lined up that an uncle was able to find for him and all he had to do was show up for a 4 hr safety training, and he couldn't do it. He had to walk out because he said he couldn't handle it.

My parents brought him a paid off car, he got insurance which I paid the first month's premium and he agreed to begin taking care of it when he starts work. Now he refuses to even go back to the employer to try again. They are calling and calling him and he will not answer them. He says he would have failed anyway. I was at my wit's end and at the advice of my family and friends decided to try tough love (which I never have). I was always catering to his sensitive mental state and feared pushing him over the edge. But I had to try it, I've tried loving and supporting and beint patient and ignoring, hoping he would snap out of it and want to start treatment again. So I finally just told him that he had 2 weeks to find a job and an apartment of his own. This job would pay for more than enough for him to care for himself - he just needed to go to it! He was already hired.

Unfortunately he took it as me wanting him to just not be there anymore. I tried to tell him that I love him so much and I'm trying everything to motivate him. I have a younger son and I'm losing my mind and angry and crying all the time over my older son's mental state. So now he's saying he'll be out tomorrow. He has no plan, no means to care for himself, it was 28 degrees here yesterday, I took the keys to his car away and hid them fearing he would take off. I know he plans to just go away and who knows what. He said his life is over, he doesn't see the point of anything anymore.

What can I do?! Am I supposed to sit ouside his bedroom door like a jailor and make sure he doesn't escape? I have a full-time job and a little boy that needs me to keep it together. This has devastated my entire family, as this is a completely different child that we all knew. He was always the most popular outgoing kid in school, now he talks to no one, never keeps in touch with old friends, is in his room day and night, doesn't shower or eat anymore. He is like an invalid living in my home. I feel like God is punishing me for something I don't know.

Hello, I read your post with a kindred heart. How are things now? I am in this spiral with my 20 year old son...trying to do the right things by him but always feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

[Seeking Peace]

My heart goes out to you. I don't have the answers, but my first thought is whether the Dr's have considered more than depression? Many illnesses can come to light at this age. Oftentimes manifesting as depression first. I believe the right combo of medicine can do wonders. Being willing to give any one of them at least 6 weeks is vital.

I oftentimes wondered what I've done so wrong...felt like God was punishing me. That's what prompted me to reply to you....knowing that feeling firsthand.

You're not alone. There's a lot of us out here. Together, we can carry one another through another day.

Hugs to you!

 

[BusynMember]

I oftentimes wondered what I've done so wrong...felt like God was punishing me. That's what prompted me to reply to you....knowing that feeling firsthand.

You didn't do anything wrong and God isn't punishing you. You know He wouldn't. It is your son who is doing this to himself because he is making bad choices. Why? He wants to. It is not because of anything you did or did not do and a lot of very fine parents find themselves in our situations. Please, don't feel like this is on your shoulders. It isn't.
As for mental illness, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Depression is very treatable with the right medication. Often depression stays just a very bad mood problem (like with me) and does not progress to anything more, however depression is horrible and without medical treatment it can last for years or forever. The afflicted person must be proactive about his health or nobody can help.
I urge everyone here, whether believers in God or just believers that everything that happens to our adult kids is due to our own bad parenting, that very bad parents, who did not care about their children at all, often raise very nice, kind, successful adults (Dave Pelzer in "A Child Called It" never got into any trouble and tries to help other disturbed foster children) and some of the best, most loving parents are shocked to see self-destructive adult children.
Drugs and DNA are both at play in most cases. Both can be treated, but that is totally up to the adult child. After 18, parents just do not have any rights. That doesn't stop us from caring, but it also doesn't make what happened our faults. I personally think DNA is the biggest factor. If, as a young 'un, we had sex with a disturbed boy and broke up and our child has similar problems, for example, a great deal of that, I believe, is inherited. The DNA does not change just because the young father is no longer in the picture. Or we ourselves may have mental illness or addiction in our families and that can also be inherited (tendencies to addiction are inherited).
Hopefully, this depressed young man will finally want to get help. Until he does, he will probably stay ill, but that is not on his mother's shoulders.
Just my soapbox opinion. Moms, be good to yourselves. You have and are living in the trenches and surviving and learning how to survive even better. You are all heroes.

 

[A dad]

I have a son who was like a zombie most of his life and still is I guess granted I did nothing as his room was most of his life and sleep his pastime I taught he was just lazy. He might have a mental illness or a illness of any kind but now I have no way of finding out. I mean really there are symptoms that are the same for so many mental illnesses that unless you are a very trained professional you can not find out what the mental illness is its so stupid how do you know someone in bipolar or depressed how do you know someone has Dislexia or ADHD its just so annoying that they have so many similar symptoms.
My point is life sucks that everything is so out of your power and I believe you when you say your son does not take drugs people seem to not grasp the thing that you can not be a addict when you get of the house once in a blue moon meaning at worst once a month and that is forced out. What addict can live with drugs only once a month assuming that that hour he is out is spent on taking drugs.
These are difficult children that stress you by not stressing you by ignoring anyone and everyone that live in their own world and let no one in their life they do not abuse you psychically or swear at you or blame you or even a drain on your resources as they only eat and sleep that is all sometimes there are days they do not even eat. How to put it their stressful for who they are not what they do they are stressful for being so in their world that it ahhhh I just can not explain it.
For example we do not get stressed and mad that our pets are lazy and only sleep and eat but we do get if our fellow humans do that I can not explain why but do you all get what I mean?

 

[nlj]

Hi ...I am new to this site and cannot stop reading...I think I may be in an old thread but not sure how to start a new one......just reading about other parents out there like myself has given me a sense of peace I haven't had in a long time..

Hi Believe

Welcome to the site. If you look on the Parent Emeritus forum you will find that the first thread, posted by Childofmine, is all about how to start your own thread. I have asked someone to help you do this.

I did the same as you when I first found this site. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I posted about my son at the end of a very old thread. Someone helped and I started my own thread. That was the start of a long journey that changed my whole outlook on life.

hugs x

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Wavering,
I'm on my break so just a quick note. You have received a lot of great comments and sharing. So sorry for your need to be here, it is definitely a place to get help and guidance. I am compelled to jot off a fast post to you because of your parents comment that you " have to help".

By not helping, you are helping.

We tried to help our two for many years under a cultural code that says you do not turn your back on family, no matter what, ever. I do not think that is even correct, because in many olelo noe'au or Hawaiian proverbs there are old sayings geared to a value system of working together. There is nothing "working" when an adult child lives at home and sucks the life out of everyone there.

I will write more later, after work. I wish the best for you and yours, this is tough. Very very tough. Hang in there dear we are all routing for you. You are not alone.
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Oops I mean hello Believe. I hope the site gals can get you on your own thread then more will come along. Hugs

 

[Still learning]

I realize this is a very old thread but I'm new here and it's the first one I found. I have read all of it and feel very discouraged. What I'm getting is that there is nothing family members of an adult person can do to help them and that we should detach for our own good. But how can that be? There must be things that can be said that can help otherwise what's the point of therapy? Depression takes over the young adult's mind and tells them everything is hopeless and pointless. As long as they believe that they won't seek help. How can people say that it's their choice when the illness has taken over their ability to think straight and make good choices? Does anyone have a positive outcome to share because after reading this thread I'm terrified. We are just starting on this journey and now I'm more scared than ever.

 

[Seeking Peace]

Still learning,

Detaching doesn't mean giving up or walking away. It simply means recognizing it's not in our control. Believe me, if any of us could control things, this forum would not exist.

Like any medical problem, such as heart disease or diabetes, there is help and treatment. You can certainly help find those Doctors and help cover cost of medicine and treatment, but in the end, if the actual person is not onboard, not following guidelines that are established for their own health and well-being, no amount of love can change that. Especially when they're adults.

We detach for our own health and well-being. Reality is we won't be here forever, so trying to control our adult children's choices will only hurt them later. We're still parents who love and are concerned and worry day after day. We just finally accept we can't do it for them.

We all believe there's still hope

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Still Learning and welcome to the forum.

Depression takes over the young adult's mind and tells them everything is hopeless and pointless. As long as they believe that they won't seek help. How can people say that it's their choice when the illness has taken over their ability to think straight and make good choices? Does anyone have a positive outcome to share because after reading this thread I'm terrified. We are just starting on this journey and now I'm more scared than ever.

Yes, you are exactly right. This is the conundrum we are faced with. Denial is part of the disease itself (mental illness, addiction, etc.) so if a person is sick with a mental illness, they will usually deny it as part of the condition. As long as they said there is nothing wrong with them, and they don't need help, they won't seek help and they won't take help and the circular process continues.

It is infuriating. Frustrating, terrifying, awful.

In my case, I tried for years to get my son's attention and get him help. Get him to even give help a chance. I reasoned, argued, cried, begged, pleaded, yelled, drug him one place after another, pulled him out of the car, pushed him through the door...over and over and over. It didn't work.

But. Here is what happened with me. I turned it all over to my Higher Power. For you it might be God, the Universe, Mother Nature, the support group, this forum, whatever it is. I realized I couldn't make it happen.

I got out of the way and allowed, yes allowed, him to continue doing whatever he wanted to do and I watched from the sidelines. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it took a complete re-orientation of my thinking first. And a lot of missteps.

In my son's case, it took more time---years---before he started changing and working for change. I mark the worst years with him from age 19 to 25, but he was tough in high school and the "trouble" started in middle school, but it was slow to ramp up. He was always a hard kid and was even a hard baby (colic, formula intolerance, very shy, etc.).

I have had to learn the hardest way possible that I can't fix people. I can't fix my stubborn 84-year-old father. I couldn't fix my ex-husband. I can't fix my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) friend. I couldn't fix my precious drug-addicted son.

I had to accept this, and that there are many situations in the world I will never be able to alter or fix.

I wish there was a kind and gentle way we could gather up people who really need help and somehow...somehow...force them to try. I have thought about that a lot.

but we know that if a person doesn't want something, anything, they will fight it with all their might, heart and soul.

My son did that. But last year, after being in jail for about the 8th or 9th time, he came out of jail and he started working to change. I didn't trust it or believe it at first, and I stood back for a long time. But after several months of watching him (not listening to him, because he taught me that talk is cheap. I want to see action) and seeing the difference in him, my ex-husband and I started giving him some help. Not doing it for him, but helping.

Through it all, we maintained a relationship with him. With limits and sometimes very strained, but we never cut off contact, and we always told him we love him. There were ugly conversations and a lot of very stringent limits set by me and his dad (like, if you come to this house again uninvited I will call the police). That is what it took. I hate to say it, but it did.

Please share with us more of your story. If you would like to, please create a new thread and tell us some of the details.

We know how hard this is. It is the hardest thing in the world. We are here for you, and we care. Also, there are many ways to walk through this journey. You will do whatever you feel is right and best and we will support you. Everybody is different and every situation is different. We can only share here what we have learned through experience, in hopes it might help you.

Warm hugs.

 

[in a daze]

Hi SL,

If you are able to tell us your story, we will be able to validate and support.

It is a long, hard road and there are no easy answers. There are some success stories on the board, but they came about after very difficult philosophical changes on the part of the parents here.

Recommended reading: the sticky at the top "Detachment" and the book Codepandent no More.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Greg, welcome to the forum, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son, it is a tough road.
There are no judgements here, just lots of folks with similar experiences who offer advice and support. The rest is up to you, in what you choose to do. This is your path.

If you are going to hang out with us for awhile, you may want to start your own thread on this PE forum.
Also, you may want to add a signature, it helps others understand your situation a bit more.

Please do not continue to feel badly, it does not help. You are not a failure, our children grow up and make choices, that is all. The guilt we feel, is what our d cs pounce on, to keep us in the game.

I hope you continue to post here, it has helped me tremendously.

More will come along and offer support, even more if you begin your own thread.

So sorry for your sorrows.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Thissiteishopeless]

Do something normal with him, not necessarily normal for you but normal for your kids - if you know them well enough to know what that is. If you don't, than i feel sorry for your kid and he 'DEFINITELY has a higher IQ than you and anyone who may be helping you. Sorry for the harshness, but you guys are being harsh behind your kids back. Doesn't that pain you a bit? cause it does to me.