My 25 year old daughter wants space

[BusynMember]

Why? Doesnt she work?

Something is not right here. You should not have to pay her bills at her age. She is a full grown woman now...yes, she will get angry at you if you stop,but NOT because you would be doing anything wrong.

Not wanting to see you as often as you wish is normal for somebody her age. But she is old enough to sustain her own bills. If she doesnt, in my opinion she at least needs to know she can not disrespect you. She has it good! Honestly we dont pay our adult kids bills and one if them will be 25 and has a form of autism. Although he us on the family plan with us still, he lives on his own and between his SSI and part time salary pays us $100 for his cell phone bill.

You are stronger than you think! It is GOOD for her to take responsibility for herself. And getting a robust life of your own would be terrific for you!

 

[toughlovin]

HI Steph...So I have been thinking about your situation. I have 2 children but on this site I usually talk about my son since he is my difficult child. My daughter who is 23 is my easy child, we have always been close and get along well. So what I want to say is that even with my very easy daughter there are times when she wants space. There are times she distances herself from me. I have also begun to understand that basically she wants my approval (What daughter doesnt want that from her mom) and so she is oversensitive to anything I say that sounds at all critical. There have been times when she has felt I am disapproving or will disaprove when that is absolutely untrue. So what I have learned is to be more careful in my comments to her, listent to her, be honest, but be aware of her sensitivity to things I say. I also try to follow her lead, so when she distances herself that I try to respect that. Usually something is going on that she is not ready to talk about and if I wait she will eventually open up.

So yes back off a bit I think your daughter will come around. As far as the student loan.... She is probably worried about it, upset about it, doesnt know what to do about it and so is trying to just avoid it hoping it will go away. Obviously it won’t. I would not approach her about it in front of anyone else. I might write her a letter telling her your own concerns about it and asking her to talk about it with you so that you can figure out how to solve the situation. My guess is doesnt know what to do and so needs help in brainstorming figuring it out. Is this a place your hsuband could help her. I am not suggesting you pay it off, but help her figure how to pay it off.

TL

 

[Steph2mm]

Thank you TL!
I have not spoken to or heard from her since Monday....I really believe I will not hear from her until I reach out.
She has shared with me these types of interactions she’s had with her friends where she ends all contact. The ones she becomes friends with again are the ones who reach back out to her....
I’m so mixed about contacting her. Whether I should or shouldn’t. I just don’t know?

 

[BusynMember]

Does she only "reach out" back when you apologize, say you were wrong or grovel? When you are desperate?

Can she ever say "I am sorry. I was wrong" first?

Does she admit being wrong at all or is it all about YOU having to make amends, even when she is in the wrong?

It is next to impssible to have a satisfying relationship with somebody who acts as if you are always in the wrong and never admits wrongdoing. Trust me, this is first hand information. I have had this with relatives i dearly wanted to love me. But they eere so sure they were wronged by me and that there was no reason for my stances that it did not, could not ever happen. They had much to answer for. Me too. I did. I blamed myself to my mother for things i never did, that she just said i did. I wrote loving, demeaning to myself letters to her. Even that was not enough.

Her heartbwas not moved. My sister did some awful things to my brother, my sweet grandma and to me and never ever admitted any of it...not that I heard anyway. I decided it was time to go.

Some people do this silence game to get out of responsibility and if they hurt us enough they know we will do anything, say anything, go along with anything to be in their lives.They do not understand or maybe just refuse to accept accountability. They demand a free pass. Maybe they truly believe that they did nothing wrong.

Is this a relationship? I had to cut somebody out for this. Sometimes we need to admit that we dont have fulfilling relationships with people we love to the moon and back. Sometimes we cant. Sometimes we just have to take what we can get or end it. Ending a relationship with a child rarely happens but we can accept that the relationship
will not be the relationship we dreamed about.

It sounds as if your daughter wants to be in total control of your relationship. This only works well if it doesnt bother you to do this.

You do whatever your heart tells you to do and expect very little. Your daughters past is close to how she will behave now and in the future. Dont expect miracles and you wont be disappointed. Do not grovel. She will not respect you if you never stand strong. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Light and love!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Steph

You will hear from her if you stop paying her bills, guaranteed, though I doubt it will be a pleasant conversation. That is what I would recommend doing, though.

I hope the student loans aren’t a lot of money, because it’s going to be hard to get her to assume responsibility for them when she doesn’t even support herself as it is. I would try, anyway.

SWOT is right, Steph. You need to get back into the driver’s seat in this relationship. That will be the only way to get her to take care of her loans.

Counseling would help you to figure out how to do this.

Good luck, and stay with us.

Apple

 

[Steph2mm]

Unfortunately, the bills we pay are her car insurance and cell phone bill which is all lumped together. Both of those are in family plans so the bills don’t go to her, we just pay them cause they come here so she won’t have to contact me when the bills need paid. After this whole ordeal we will be taking her off the insurance so she can get her own and we will be exploring what needs to be done with the phone situation. I feel I can handle all of that, but I’m struggling with things she said about how I’ve made her feel. I’m not completely innocent of pushing her too hard....
If I have been in the wrong at all where she feels as if nothing is good enough for me, do I reach out and apologize for this? If so, I don’t know how to approach this....
I feel so saddened by all this and I’m frankly a little scared what I’ll feel like if she is unfeeling and aloof when I approach her.
I know I don’t sound very parental right now but I grew up with criticism and it’s not completely ridiculous that she feels I do that sometimes to her.

 

[BusynMember]

She is 25. How parental are you supposed to feel? She is a woman, not a child in need of parenting, like she did when she was ten.

Big deal if you pushed her too hard. How did you push her too hard? Is it even true? Sounds like her excuse to get you to keep taking care of her.

Maybe you can say something like this to her in a confident way.

"Daughter, I am sorry you felt i pushed you in the past. That does not excuse your student.loan or not taking responsibility for your car insurance and cell phone right now."

Her: what kind of horrible mother are you?

You: i really dont think we should talk more until you are calm. I am just letting you know that our expectations have changed.

Her: You pushed me too hard and now you arent going to pay these bills??? You are awful! I will never speak to you again!

You: i am human and made mistakes pushing you and I wont make more mistakes by paying your bills when you owe us money and are old enough to pay your own bills."

Her: i will never speak to you again! (This is likely baloney)

You: i cant control that. I love you and hope its not true. Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know what is changing.

Her: cussing/name calling/being mean/crying/any/all

You: i have to go. When you feel calmer we can talk (leave)

You can not allow her or anyone else to boss you around and make you feel like a bad person. So what if you feel you made a mistake? If indeed it was a mistake. Most of us pysh our grown kids to adult. That is normal and not horrible. Your daughter is a woman now and she is making mistakes too, if you feel you did. Who doesnt make mistakes???

in my opinion you should stop feeling guilty and step up. Stand strong. You can do it. You need to help your daughter grow up and that may make her angry. Oh well. It is worse to be her doormat while she makes no progress as an adult. She MUST grow up and stop depending on you!

Light and love!

 

[toughlovin]

I think it is very hard sometimes not to take it personally when our daughters criticize us and yet I think its important to let a lot of it roll off our backs....especially at this age. Yes they are adults bit they are still finding their way to adulthood and independence. I think this transition and need to differentiste themselves from us is sometimes less obvious in girls than boys. Its a process. So really do things for yourself and try to remember that some of this is really about her and not so much about you

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Steph,

I think you need to stop doing the same things and expecting different results.

Don’t contact her right now, and don’t apologize.

Let it go for a while and get some perspective.

You mentioned this is a pattern with you, and you need to break the habit. It won’t work out any better this time than it has all those previous times.

 

[CareTooMuch]

SomeWhereOutThere, such good advice. I need to keep your post in my thoughts at all times right now.